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For years, football-player-turned-lifestyle-entrepreneur Lewis Howes identified as a man’s man. He built his entire personality around what he now believes was a misguided definition of “masculinity.” It took a bloody fistfight in front of a police station to wake him up and inspire him to change everything.

In today’s episode, Lewis makes the case for why, as a society, we must reexamine what it means to be masculine.

As you know, I’m a fierce advocate for women with a largely female audience. That said, in order to create the world that we all hope to live in — one that is kinder, less violent, more peaceful and more equitable, we need everyone working towards those goals as one.

Work on being a little bit better every single day. @LewisHowes Click To Tweet

If there’s any part of you that hopes for a better world and wants a fresh lens on how to stay connected to your father, partner, brother, son or students who identify as masculine, I hope you enjoy this conversation.

You’ll hear Lewis tell the story behind his new book, The Mask of Masculinity, including:

  • His frightening wake-up call after years of aggressive behavior
  • The incredible shift that happened in his relationships when he finally opened up and publicly shared his most painful childhood secret
  • Why success doesn’t always = happiness
  • How to better understand and stay connected to the men in your life
  • And much more

View Transcript

Check out this episode on The Marie Forleo Podcast

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After you’ve watched this episode, I’d love to hear from you. What’s the single biggest insight you’re taking away from today’s conversation and how can you turn that insight into action? Let me know by leaving a comment below.

Remember, share as much detail as possible in your reply. Thousands of incredible souls come here each week for insight and inspiration and your observation may help someone else have a meaningful breakthrough.

Important: share your thoughts and ideas directly in the comments. Links to other posts, videos, etc. will be deleted as they come across as spammy.

Just because someone seems fearless, doesn’t mean they are. When we’re stripped of our masks and can show up as is, magic happens. We can connect with each other more deeply and feel safe and supported in each other’s presence.

Thanks for reading and watching today — and for continuing to be a voice in this incredible community.

With all my love,

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  1. This book comes in perfect timing

  2. Yes!
    Lewis – we are a lesbian couple with two sons trying to support their maleness – without getting caught up in the “boys will be boys” culture.
    Thank you for your insight!

    • Julia - Team Forleo

      Amazing, Jena. Raising and supporting the males of our future is such an important job and we love how mindful you’re being in this delicate process. We’re so glad Lewis’ insights were helpful! Keep up the awesome work.

    • SFC

      Tony, I agree with you on a lot. See my post below. I am disgusted with the constant demonizing of men. The problem is not “toxic masculinity” anymore than it is “toxic femininity” – the real problem is a lack of God and the Bible in this liberal culture. A perfect example of how women can be just as vicious if not more so is Jezebel. And EVERYONE has met a Jezebel in their lives at one time or another. They are the worst! They destroy both men & women. They even made a magazine for women with her namesake, as if that’s something to be proud of!


      Ok so I’ll refer to your porn example. Yes women get paid as do men, but I don’t see men getting more or less abused by women its quite the opposite. You don’t see men getting chocked by 5 women in the most abusive fashion so thay argument is a bit silly. Do you think that poor chick getting sodomized in the most vicious way is actually enjoying that. I don’t see women getting off to a man getting hate fucked. Women in that industry are victimised not the other way round. And yeah your right many people have died cause of the whispers of women but that comes down male ego and how easily that can be taken advantage of.

    • sunny

      I believe you are expressing frustration at the men being pointed to as the problem. I have not read Lewis’s book, however, I believe the point and goal of this book and these conversations is to help men learn to express themselves appropriately. If you take a look the personal development world is FULL of women focused books, classes and groups that are helping women to become aware of emotions that we messy humans are pre-loaded with! His point is that you are raised to be action oriented, not feeling oriented…. He is not saying men need to be soft and let the world walk all over them. He IS saying we need to become aware of our internal emotions. How we feel and what we ‘do’ with our emotions is important as we evolve.
      You are correct, society has changed! We have moved away from a God centered, family focus into a SELF-centered “What about me” society. The problem with that is that no one knows their ‘place’ any longer. Men used to be providers, women were homemakers. We worked as a family unit to do life historically. That has changed significantly, the family structure is no longer defined so clearly.
      That being said it is everyone’s responsibility to ‘do unto others’ as we go through life. Be KIND, Be compassionate. Doing those things does NOT make you less of a man, it makes you aware of yourself and others!
      I do pray we find some balance in this crazy world we live in!

    • Wow, hold your horses! He’s talking from his point of view and from his experience. He can not comment on “toxic femininity,” because he hasn’t been through that experience himself.
      I agree with the fact that both are equally bad, yet one can only talk about their own personal experience, and he’s doing a great job. There are most likely plenty of women who are talking about the same thing from their experience -always trying to measure up to other girls, fashion parade contests from an early age at school, bitching and lying for the sake of popularity, slagging each other off to big themselves up and so on and so forth. Women may talk to each other more, but they are not as open with each other as most people think – they often lie while pretending to be open, trying to cover up their insecurities. Everything he said can be inverted and applied to a feminine side just as well, but he simply can not comment on the experiences and shortcomings of the opposite sex from a point of view of someone who experienced it.
      The reason his book might be more popular in this day and age, is because of the current sex politics climate, constantly promoting the idea that women are somehow better – this is simply dumb and unhealthy. But why is this going on? Because for many centuries the opposite was happening, and women were regarded as inferior. This is still ongoing in less developed societies. A relatively large female community is trying to “correct” this situation in a very dysfunctional and destructive way, by devaluing every aspect of masculinity.
      If each sex finally stopped unloading their insecurities upon each other, we would experience a massive step in the evolution of humankind. We should stop picking sides and be more open and honest with each other. We need to talk about the societal pressures from our own experience – just like this guy does. Well done to him 🙂

  3. Nadia

    There is no video to play?

    • Julia - Team Forleo

      Hi Nadia! Try using this link in a fresh browser window: You should see the YouTube video player about halfway down the page when you scroll down. If you continue to have trouble finding it, you may want to try a different internet browser (we recommend Chrome or Firefox). You can also email us at infoATmarieforleoDOTcom and we’ll be glad to help!

  4. Kate Mahaits

    So glad this conversation is happening!! My 5 year old son inspires me constantly – my biggest goal is to ensure his self-confidence and self-worth without hindering his right to his emotions – Just a little example for ya, he wore his hair long, like, down his back until just a few days ago. It was HIS choice to cut it for his 5th birthday – a decision he made about three months ago and he stuck to it. He LOVES his new haircut and I think he looks adorable, but I also mourned his haircut, (as silly as that sounds) and I realized it’s because I no longer have to defend his right to long hair… I don’t have to say to anyone anymore, “Oh? You’ve never seen a boy with long hair before?” I posted on Facebook the other day that I think the double standard that we raise our boys and girls with sucks. The feedback was great but I also noticed that a lot of people are nervous about boys not being masculine “enough” … My cousin recommended I watch that documentary, The Mask You Live In – and then bam! – two days later I find this interview in my email… I sincerely hope this timely conversation picks up some major speed, because just like the #metoo creating a shift in our society, so too should the #aboycantoo

    Thank you, Marie for continuing this important conversation. 🙂

    • Julia - Team Forleo

      Absolutely Kate, we feel the same way, that this is such an important conversation to be having at this time in our society. It’s our hope that conversations like this one with Lewis, his book, that documentary, and more all serve to help open us up to a new and more healthy way of expressing masculinity, sensitivity, and vulnerability. We couldn’t agree with you more about the need to address the double standard that’s been created in raising girls and boys, as well as the general discomfort with closing this gap that you mentioned. HUGE kudos to you for allowing your son the freedom to be himself and express himself in his own way, and for raising awareness of the importance of this along the way. You’re amazing, mama!


      I think there is an agenda to remove male masculinity from society as manly men aren’t afraid to stand up for whats right. There is absolutley no need to defend your sons choice to wear his hair long. It should be your responsibility to teach him to stand up for himself so there is no need to defend him.

    • Star

      First of all Thank you Marie. To Lewis Howes; wonderful book a step in the right direction regarding awareness of what goes on for boys and men. It is the same for women each dealing with struggles. This book, show and author is speaking for men, therefore we need not bring in the female struggle here. We as parents do our best to address most of it but it is what happens when your boy gets outside influence at school, university work. To Kate; that has been what happened with my son you can teach them all you want but as Lewis is saying the world can takes over and boys will learn what is accepted. My son was raise a kind, soft caring intelligent person, he was a driven athlete, strong and close to family. At 18 a freshmen in university, he was abused so badly by his team for who he was that at times he contemplated suicide. He is a junior and although he is doing okay for now, he has changed, he has learn what will be accepted and just as Lewis, he bottles things up instead, seems lonely and intolerant of people and afraid of showing any closeness to family. It hurts to see what has been done. Perhaps if some of this is exposed and changed some aggression in men may change. I am hoping this book will help him to feel he is not alone.

  5. What a gorgeous interview! It’s so relieving to hear a man like Lewis talking about feelings, emotions, reactions and conscious self-improvement. He’s so brave. What an amazing role model for boys & men. Such a valuable conversation to have. I have such compassion for the men in my life now.

  6. Amos Kamil

    Fantastic! I am a writer who exposed a sexual abuse scandal at the Horace Mann school, an elite private school in NYC. I came to the realization, after spending so much time with so many male sexual abuse survivors, that the mask of masculinity is simply another way of surviving. I applaud this brave and important work. Our society NEEDS more men like Lewis willing to look at their own masculinity as part of the larger problems our society faces. Hats off to both of you.

    Amos Kamil

    • Julia - Team Forleo

      You’re exactly right, Amos – we need more men like Lewis to bravely look at their own masculinity as it relates to our societal problems at large. This is such a poignant topic that we must begin addressing right now, for the well-being of all. Thank you for sharing your unique perspective on this, and for the amazing work you’re doing to help men share their painful stories, in order to begin the healing process. We’re so happy you’re in our community and that you enjoyed this conversation!

  7. Kudos to Lewis for his courage and self-awareness. So important!
    There’s also a book called Self-Made Man about a woman who lives as a man for 18 months (dyes her facial hair and passes). It brings a crucial point-of-view to this very powerful and necessary discussion…because it asks us to not only redefine masculinity, but to understand the way women support traditional views of men. Because of this, it’s challenging to read…and the author had a breakdown after living as a man for 18 months, so it wasn’t easy on her either.

  8. I have just left a 25 year marriage with a toxic man who cannot show emotion and always has to be right. In the end he became very controlling as I was the only part of his life that he felt he could control. He is still suffering and needs this book.

    • Julia - Team Forleo

      We’re so sorry to hear this, Louise. I can tell that you’ve put a lot of work into understanding where his behaviors come from, and we hope this conversation may have provided a bit of insight into male emotionality as well. It’s such a difficult gap to bridge and understand. We hope that conversations and books like Lewis’ will help him connect to his emotions and vulnerability, and that you will both find healing. We’re sending tons of love your way.

  9. Denice Basnett

    Thank you, Marie and Lewis, for this. It was a gift!
    I think what made most impact for me was that when we begin to share, we begin to heal. I am sending this video to everyone in my family. I am sure they, too, will appreciate it.
    Thank you.

    • Julia - Team Forleo

      Wonderful, Denice. We’re so glad this conversation resonated with you! Realizing that when we begin to share, we begin to heal is such a monumental takeaway – this is SO important for us all to remember. Not only can sharing our stories and pain heal us, but help others in this process as well. Thank you for watching and sharing this with your loved ones!

  10. This video made me cry. Thank you for sharing this.

  11. Rebecca

    What a great interview. I wasn’t a huge Lewis Howes fan until I watched this! My husband is all of the things he describes, and this couldn’t come at a better time… will be taking the advice about connecting on a deeper level – even if I do want to kill him!!

    • Julia - Team Forleo

      Love this, Rebecca! We admire your commitment to understanding your husband and connecting on a deeper level, even when it’s difficult. Thank you for watching, we’re so glad what Lewis shared was helpful for you!

  12. He is assuming that women have no understanding of why so many men do not express their emotional experiences. Even more, he is saying that women do not understand toxic masculinity. Perhaps we have more understanding about it than men do because we have been watching toxic masculinity develop for ages, and we have received such a huge bulk of that toxic masculinity.

    Lewis, my heart goes out to 5 year old you, and to the boy and man that had to struggle and carry the pain and shame that this abuse did to you. And the confusion that toxic masculinity caused for you. It really does.

    But what disappoints me here is, while it is great that you tell your story and open up — giving permission for other men who are struggling to do the same — what I want to see is not merely the self healing. I want to see real change.

    I want to know how you are actively working to protect others from toxic masculinity and how you are having those conversations to stop the destruction from this toxic masculinity.

    Also, right before you brought this book out, about a month or so ago, you (or someone on your team) posted on your Instagram, an image of Ernestine Shepherd, the senior body builder, and a stock photo of an elderly woman with a cane. The post claimed that both women were the same age (which I would argue was far from the truth) and that this was a choice.

    It was misogyny at its best — shaming an older woman for looking like an older woman. Or even more, for not looking younger. As if this is the measure of value for women.

    While I think Ernestine is amazing for who she is, who is to say that other woman is not amazing simply because she does not have a young-looking body that would turn a man on? Who is to say why she looks her age? Who is to say it is wrong for her to look her age? Who is to say she does not have an illness, or was not in a concentration camp as a child, or was not hit by a truck?

    You posted this and so many women spoke up to say that post was painful and to take it down. You ignored every one of those women.

    I respect your process and journey. I respect that you have come out with your experience. But getting real about how you have done damage through toxic masculinity is not revolutionary. It is just the start. The real work is is getting real about listening to women when we tell you are are still doing that damage.

    And what concerns me, is your message centers your own relief in our “detox” instead the impact that toxic masculinity has and still has on others.

    A toxic masculinity you benefitted from, which is why you practice it, regardless of the damage it did to others as well as yourself.

    And most importantly, not owning up to the ways toxic masculinity continues in your (micro)aggressions, such as in that post.

    So again, my heart really does go out to you for how you are abused. I appreciate that you are willing to do this work. I appreciate your willingness to get vulnerable about it and share your story.

    But the work is not on women here. The work needs to be for us, as well as for men. The work is for humanity.


    • Annemiek

      Thank you Sara.

    • Thank you! I also admire Lewis’s willingness to face his past, to learn from it, and to spread this message to other boys and men, but I was also disturbed by his suggestion that women try to empathize more to fix this pervasive problem.

      Of course, empathy is important, but men absolutely need to take responsibility for their aggressive and hurtful behavior, even if it has been encouraged by our society.

      Many of the most empathetic of us are the ones who suffer the most abuse from men/people who repress their emotions, and lash out when we call them on the “obvious “ signs of it (we usually do this out of love).

      Lewis focuses on his own story, but how did the man on the basketball court feel after being assaulted? Were there any attempts at amends?

      We may be able and/or willing to forgive, but that is not something that anyone is entitled to.

      Again, thanks Lewis, for your courage and your willingness to open up to comments like this.

      I wish you luck and strength on your journey, and sincerely hope that you can change the cycle for the men and boys you are reaching out to.


      • Anastacia

        Thank you, Sara

    • I love your comment, Sara!

    • Lynelle Paulick

      Oh my gosh, Sara — you sound Very angry!

      • And this is a bad thing? Because…?

        He beat a guy into a pulp because he was angry at his girlfriend, got up, walked home and gave himself a talking to and that made it right.
        Even more, that evokes our sympathy.
        I express honestly that I am disappointed that he asks women to have sympathy for the perpetration of toxic male abuse, and this bothers you enough to label me as angry?
        So physically abusive anger is ok for men because they are struggling with their masculinity. But a woman speaking out against asking us to sympathise with abuse is suddenly “angry” (as if female anger is a bad thing).
        You might want to ask yourself why you think women need to stay silent about the things that harm us, why any anger we have is off limits, and why you feel the need to tell a woman expressing disappointment and even upset that she is being “angry” rather than acknowledge the full prism of her experience and capability of her intellect…

        • Chris

          Hi Sara, I think a potentially useful question, if you want to ask it, is this: is their violence in your anger?

          Some of us use our fists, some of us use our words, and some use both. Everybody uses something, because we all have violence in us.

    • This kind of utterly blind toxic femininity has an awful lot to answer for.
      The way men have HAD to supress the gentler feeling feminine side of themselves over literally milennia is the greatest untold story of suffering in history. And much of it has been sponsored BY WOMEN , particularly a woman like you. How dare you go on about toxic masculinity as if masculinity were a disease? What about toxic femininity you utter hypocrite? I could write a book on the subject easily – but here you demonstrate it clearly for all to see. _STILL man-shaming, even when a man is willing to be vulnerable enough to share his struggles, his deep pains and abuse he has suffered – no it still all has to be about you , as the woman.
      Who puts most input into childhood in this world where men must apparently always be seen as the malefactors? Who is emotionally nurturer/ provides most of the conditioning ? Mothers and therefore women. But no of course they have no responsibility for ever doing anything wrong , and the most beneficial thing they can do it seems is to shame men for their toxicness. Your part in this tragedy lady is staring you in the face, from the attitudes that your post demonstrates – but you are no doubt completely oblivious to that.

  13. This is so needed amongst men. Men are hurting; and as a result are hurting themselves and their families.
    So many men wearing the mask, and their sons sons are suffering.

  14. Christine K

    Most impactful insight: To be patient and compassionate with each other (and myself).

    I too was abused as a child and get triggered when I am woken in the middle of the night — my poor husband… sometimes he wakes me accidentally (it might just the sound of the covers moving) and it turns on my aggressive mask. I’ve been actively working on my own patience and compassion (to not blame him for waking me up in his sleep). (He is always patient and compassionate with me—thank God!!)

    How to turn it into action now…? Remember that the poor man is sleeping and didn’t deliberately wake me and that he is not going to abuse me. And also to have compassion for myself for being triggered.

    Thanks for sharing your story, Lewis.

  15. I was just listening to Lewis’s course on podcasting over at Creative Live. I’d like to learn more about the impact he’s had on others. From a story perspective, he’s the perfect person to share a journey story as an athlete and former pro football player. Seems like he’d have a lot of credibility, especially with younger men.

    • Maggie Dillon Katz

      Lewis, Thank you so much for sharing and being so vulnerable. It helps me understand the men I love and men in the world. My favorite part of the interview is your story that happened last week when you missed the airplane. I loved you sharing how you kept staring at the wall and the inner struggle you went through and most of all you not responding and breathing so you wouldn’t say anything hurtful. I bow in honor of your ability to have come so00000000000000000 far to be able to do that. It is the practice I want to practice – zipping it when I’m in a rage and not saying something that hurts – and when the truth needs to be said to learn how to say it without being mean, harsh, or fierce like some kind of Disney Witch. I’m trying…..getting better…not all there yet. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability and for helping me better understand men and our humanity as humans. Thank you.

  16. Good for Lewis for acknowledging, dealing with and addressing this. I don’t think this is a male/female issue. Women struggle with the same thing. I think that to claim this as a male issue will create even more problems. Sexual abuse/rape isn’t something that either gender is comfortable exposing or living with – there are a lot of reasons, guilt and conditioning are parts. Mental health problems exist (violence and inability to deal with feelings) for both men and women. On the other hand, seeing a 13-year-old boy kicking and hitting a girl- then, having adults laugh and dismiss it saying “oh, he has a crush.” Is something that encourages this behavior. I think kindness and empathy need to be modeled at home and school and life. If someone can see what another person is feeling, instead of focusing on themselves, that is when you move forward. When we start to lose our temper, think about what the other person is going through. Sorry, I could go on and I didn’t answer 🙂 Best insight, understanding, compassion, and patience. Well done 🙂

    • Julia - Team Forleo

      Love what you shared here, Cathy and you’re so right that this isn’t a male/female issue at all. We all have complex histories that can often cause us to have trouble expressing our difficult emotions or pain. And of course, there is a whole spectrum of “masculine and feminine” that we all embody. While Lewis focuses on his own experience of masculinity, we couldn’t agree more that empathy, compassion, understanding, and patience are SO essential in connecting and healing on a deeper level for us all 🙂 Thank you for tuning in!

      • Sylvan Moir

        Julia : this absolutely IS and issue that affects men mostly. In a deeper Jungian (say) sense no issues are male/female because all emerge out of a deeper collective conscious and we all have and anima and an animus. However , in a male body
        the emotional repression and murdering almost of the gentler parts of the pysche that men have had to experience is light years beyond anything most women do . That is changing now thank goodness. But ALL will have to take responsibility for the change, and for the horror that has been the norm : both men AND women. I realise some women, especially some feminists, will not want to hear that, but they are wrong. And I do not fail to notice and take encouragement from the fact that many women on this site are posting grateful and appreciative comments about Lewis’ stand and revelations.

  17. This was an amazing conversation – it addresses a disquieting feeling I’ve had about our society that I’ve never quite been able to put my finger on. It also clarifies why my most popular posts seem to be those in which I figuratively strip myself naked. Authenticity, being present and letting people know you is often not valued in our society.

  18. Nina

    One of the things I love so much about this interview and Lewis is that his focus is on the healing process, living in the solution and how it’s empowering to own and speak one’s truth. Whether you’re male or female! Thank you both for this.

  19. Lorena

    This is a great tool for parents, men and women. I question what mask do I wear and have taught them to my son and what masks has he gained elsewhere.
    So I will open up discussion with my son of my masks to make him realize that vulnerability is ok.
    I’m glad to have had a chance to being enlightened about this!
    Thank you ?

    • Julia - Team Forleo

      Beautiful, Lorena! This is such an important reflection for all of us to do, particularly parents as you said – as our masks, openness to vulnerability, and ability to express emotions will inevitably be picked up by our children. We applaud you for opening up this discussion with yourself and your son, you’re a wonderful mom!

      Thank you so much for taking the time to watch 🙂

  20. Kim

    Marie, thank you so much for sharing this much needed conversation with your audience. Women must own their part in the healing of men. I am divorced and raising a teenage boy on my own. I am now trying to date and it is such a struggle to find a man who can own the vulnerable part in himself. This topic is what ended my marriage and I see my son struggling with trying to be a “man” and also exposing his heart. As women we have to allow our men the space to learn how to be open, we cannot project onto them what we think a real man is.

    • Garry Crosbie

      As a Scottish man who loves Marie Forleo, this interview was fascininating for me. Lewis is 100% correct and is a fantastic role model for men no matter what their age. Women in Americq such as Oprah, Marie, Brené Brown, Marianne Williamson and Pastor Amy Butler are showing us the way to a more loving, fulfilling and peaceful life where men and women can live in harmony, creativity and abundance. Until now, these voices have been predominantly female but this interview with a Lewis shows that the issues that face both male and females are actually the same. Powerful and transformational! A must watch for all.

      • Julia - Team Forleo

        We’re so happy to hear you enjoyed this conversation with Lewis, Garry! You’re exactly right, that more male voices are needed on these important topics as we find the way together to a more peaceful, loving, and fulfilling future as a society. We absolutely face many of the same issues, whether male or female, and learning ways to share our experiences authentically is so essential. Thank you for being an amazing part of our community!

      • Tim

        Are you the Garry Crosby from NE Indiana?

        If so, gimme a call at 239-470-8915


  21. Brilliant interview! Such a wonderful and timely subject.

  22. What an amazing interview! Applies across genders, not just masculinity.

    So blessed to have found this going through the exact same scenarios in my live!

    Thank you!

  23. Miguel V.

    I think everyone should watch “The Red Pill” documentary.

    It’s about a feminist exploring the Men’s Rights movement and about us guys not being vilified and actually understanding that we as men also deal with a LOT of unpleasant expectations from society, whether it’s from women or from other men.

    Instead of using empty slogans like “toxic masculinity”, I suggest women to actually watch a documentary like that, or Cassie Jaye’s TEDTalk “Meeting the Enemy: A Feminist Comes To Terms With The Men’s Rights Movement”. Actually listen to what men are saying, like this guy, but many others as well. Instead of just making assumptions that it’s women who know exactly what us men should change about ourselves and listening to all the pre-prepared slogans and fabricated concepts about men that your feminist friends have given you ‘ready to be served’, without questioning them or going deeper into things and looking for the other side of the coin.
    We need to listen to each other and discuss things, instead of being in our own comfortable bubbles. I highly recommend the documentary and the TEDTalk, it’s groundbreaking material.

    • Julia - Team Forleo

      Hi Miguel, thanks so much for watching and sharing this with us here! We absolutely agree, that it’s so important to create a healthy dialogue and genuinely listen to one another about our experiences. Understanding each other’s perspectives with compassion is essential to healing ourselves and our society as a whole. This definitely goes both ways, and our hope is that many more conversations like this one with Lewis will be had on a global scale – to help women better understand the experiences of men and support our mutual growth.

      • Miguel V.

        Thanks for the reply, Julia.

        I am so glad to see that openness here by you and Marie Forleo.

  24. For years, I have wanted to know what is at the ROOT of so much violence in America. I sincerely hope that this man can help us open the door and shed some light on it. Thank you both for your courage!

  25. Laura

    Thanks Lewis and Marie~ Great timing! If you can talk about it all that’s half the problem, it’s when you can’t talk about it, that we tend to have a bigger problem. Keep the faith that we are learning as a society to be better communicators free of violence and discord. Congratulations on your book!

  26. Hi Marie, thank you very much for the interview with Lewis Howes.
    For the record: I am a straight hetero guy, BUT will you please tell Lewis I LOVE him for his journey, his openess, vulnerability, his message, his book. Awesom touching story! There is so much going on in the world that needs to be healed by exactly the experience and knowledge that Lewis just shared. AND, of course, there is lots of stuff going on in myself that made me have wet eyes while listening.
    What this interview has really done for me is give me a window of opportunity, a new inspiration in bringing a recently conceived new training event (using accelerated learning) to a whole different level. Sharing is healing. And agression can be used as a positieve energy to create your best self, once you are more and more able to tap into your own vulnerability. I see that as a great invitation for me and for my audience. You once asked: what is your ‘onesie’* for today? (*Do I spell this right?) Well, this is my wowsie for today AND my onesy for tomorrow. Thank you so much. Felix

    • Julia - Team Forleo

      Felix, we’re SO thrilled that this interview with Lewis resonated deeply with you! Your new idea for a training event sounds fantastic, and we’re wishing you all the best with it. Sharing, healing, and tapping into our vulnerability are such essential aspects for all of us working to create our best selves. Keep up the awesome work with your onesie, Felix, we’re cheering you on!

    • Regina S Islas

      Thank you for sharing this w/us Felix. I thought his morning exercise of visualizing what could go wrong during the day, and what his response to it would be (traffic, unpleasant people) was powerful, and I daresay if you read any Marcus Aurelius, (or any of the stoics) I hear notes of the same kind of thinking.
      Best of luck to you and your audience!

  27. My son is going through a tough time, finding himself.
    I’ve sent him this interview and hopefully he will watch it.
    I’ve been through what he’s going through and now at 61 years old I finally have some peace, I don’t want him to take so long and go through so mush pain.
    Lewis came across as a genuine guy who like us all is “trying to little better each day”

    • Julia - Team Forleo

      Absolutely, Tony, we’re all trying to be a little better each day 🙂 We’re so glad you’ve shared this with your son and we hope it helps him on his journey. It isn’t easy for any of us, but know that your kind and wise example as a parent is no doubt a huge help to him along the way – he’s lucky to have you! Thanks so much for watching and sharing.

  28. I am ordering the book for me and my husband. I have never followed Lewis but after watching this interview I am a huge fan and grateful he opened his heart to share his story so others can feel comfortable to do the same. I have an 8 year old son who is very sensitive, loves kisses and hugs, and writes the sweetest notes to people. He cried for hours when Penn States lost to Ohio. I want to support him to express himself so thank you. I am excited to get the book and read it.

  29. I know this was going to be a good interview the moment I over read your email, but it was AMAZING! Thank you because awarness is the first step, but it is still not very clear for me, how can I help my husband or the men in my life to be more vulnerable and to connect in a deeper level? I’m going to do some research, but I hope someone from this community can help.


    • Julia - Team Forleo

      Hi Viridiana, we’re so glad you enjoyed this interview! The first step in helping the men in your life is to really be more compassionate and understanding about where they’re coming from and why it’s often difficult for them to express their emotions, vulnerability and sensitivity. By creating this space of understanding and not making them “wrong”, they can begin to open up to their vulnerability in their own way, to hopefully connect on a deeper level. You can of course also share this interview and books like Lewis’ with them, to help them connect to the stories and experiences of other men who struggle with this. I hope this helps, and absolutely, we encourage you to continue researching this important topic as well!

  30. I’m a mum of 2 boys 14 & 12yrs. We’ve brought our boys up to not hide feelings, my partner is a very loving father, we talk about issues & emotions. So all the right stuff, in theory. I have recently had several heated arguments with my 14yr old where he has expressed a hatred for “feminists” and “feminazi’s”. Obviously I find this really hard to deal with having brought my kids up as open minded and liberal. Conversation in our house has never been “radical” but we do talk about women’s issues and my partner fully supports and is involved in these conversations. So I know this thinking isn’t from home but infact where he goes on the internet : you tube, buzzfeed etc. Viral videos etc teen share amongst each other. So even liberal young boys/men consume / are influenced by a very limited and constructed view of feminist/ womens issues which talk about women hating men which in turn creates a culture of angry young men who not only feel they have to fit into a certain age old male stereotypes but also that they are hated by girls and women. I’m struggling to even talk to my boy about it now without fear of an angry backlash from him and a total shutdown ( fairly typical of a teen I expect) but I really have no idea how to deal with it and realise it is not for me necessarily but their dad to broach the subject – thankfully he is the kind of man who can. Thank you Lewis for being the kind of man to be brave enough to share this and making space for other men to be brave too.

    • JASON

      Perhaps your son is wiser than you acknowledge. As a long time Liberal, I have grown to resent that segment of society, especially these days where the internet has given everyone a voice but no responsibility.

      Open mindedness. A strong and admired trait, that sadly many if not most vocal liberal groups including women activists don’t practise. Feminazi is a term clearly defining that combination of ignorant, intolerant, activism.

      Perhaps your son’s frustration stems from a place of compassion, and understanding.

      While this may seem contradictory (and admittedly on a deeper it level IS), I know from my own introspection that is often the case.

  31. SFC

    I don’t support liberal, new-agey, Oprah-fied agendas like this that seek to shame men. All have sinned & fall short of God’s glory, including women. (case in point: Jezebel – will you do an expose on toxic femininity too?)

    One can still maintain masculinity without being a savage, and men everywhere are tired of being demonized.

    Men should be men, and the mass feminization of our men has to stop.
    Who will be the good men to protect women from danger & evil if all you seek is to feminize them? God created men as they are supposed to be – if they are abusive it is because they lack God in their lives and have fallen to a sinful world.

    Men who have God know how to treat people and still maintain their masculinity, but the liberal agenda seeks to castrate them. A feminized culture is a God-less culture run amok, and I want no part of it. The world is what it is today because of this liberalism where everyone is trying to be their own god with their own theories. Everything I need to learn about how men should be can be found in God’s Word.

  32. Lewis,
    Thank you for putting this out into the world. The anger with men today has been frightening. Since you recorded this we have had one more shooting in Texas from an angry man. I recently have done work with women that have been subjected to domestic abuse. The stats and real world stories are staggering. Women can only say and do so much – to have another man step up to fix this anger issue is huge. Helping the men of our world to find the inner peace you speak of is huge. Again thank you and thanks Marie!

  33. I am in awe of Lewis Howes and am so grateful for his work. Thank you, Marie for yet another awesome interview. We all need to hear more from the men in our lives. Our men are hurting, our culture is in pain. People want to blame all the shootings on guns, but it’s not the guns, is it? And sadly, this is not just a “guy” thing. While women may not be physically abusive, we can be just as hurtful with our words and actions. Girls can be viciously mean on social media and bullying is not just a boy problem. Kudos to Lewis for bringing this conversation to the forefront. The only way to heal our world is to heal ourselves. Thank you for the inspiration to look at our own past, notice what triggers us, be more compassionate towards men and their challenges, and to ultimately rise our own pain and live better lives.

    • Julia - Team Forleo

      What you shared is so true, Lorraine, it’s not just about the guns. We need to go deeper, and continue to create the space for brave conversations like this one about our hurting and the real roots of our pain and aggression. Only from this vulnerable place can we begin to heal our society, one person at a time. You’re so right, that many of us women struggle with this too. Here’s to having more open and compassionate conversations in this light, to sharing, healing, and living better lives together! Thank you so much for taking the time to watch.

  34. Good story here! It’s interesting to learn that most men don’t have a close friend they can trust and share with. Honestly, I have been scouting for some-More male friends to connect with. Lewis story is an incredible inspiration to me!

  35. This is so topical it’s stunning. There’s also a very striking observation in a Brene Brown book – we as women ask for the men in our lives show vulnerability/willingness to show they are afraid, but ARE WE READY and DO WE MEAN IT? If our men let their guard down and aren’t “perfect”, do we embrace that/are we there for them/support them? OR do we react with fear, embarrassment, disappointment?
    If we don’t embrace the vulnerability, then we are (consciously or not) part of patriarchy/toxic masculinity. It’s not our job to “fix” our men. But it IS our job to be there for them and embrace them and make it possible for them to be fully themselves so we can all break down the intrusion of toxicity into masculinity.

    • Julia - Team Forleo

      Beautifully said, Trish and you’re so right. It’s essential that we as women also open up to and create the space for this type of authentic vulnerability and sharing. In this way, we can begin to allow for more healthy expressions of emotions and understand each other’s experience and pain more deeply. Creating these safe spaces for sharing will allow for the healing we so deeply need as a society. Thank you for sharing this important perspective here!

  36. I loved this conversation. Lewis shows courage beyond measure to stand forward like this.. and also be willing to show that he still is ‘a work in progress’. This is what I am taking with me. How to show more of who I am and not be scared to be judged for my failures and flaws. What action I can take I am not sure of yet. First I have to reveal my insecurities to myself, I guess 🙂 Thank you, Marie for yet another inspiring episode. Love from Michelle

  37. Regina S Islas

    yes. and Please dear friends today, 7 NOV, VOTE VOTE VOTE our great-granny’s had to get in the street for us to have this privilege! VOTE.

  38. Thank you for this interview Marie and Lewis. I am now ordering the book for myself, my partner and one of my male clients … who is working through his own self belief in relation to his identity as the father of twin teenage sons. I’m curious to read as a woman and to hear what my partner’s perspective is as an English male. Lewis was clear that his reference points are mostly north American … and yet I wonder how this shows up in other geographies and cultures. I am a Kiwi who now lives in London so am spanning the globe with my own thoughts and experiences in this space. I am loving that now as women continue stepping more fully into our power, men are looking at what their own power actually is all about and redefining it to be vastly more compassionate, creative and courageous. What an amazing world we are evolving together.

  39. Melissa C

    I am so excited to purchase this book for myself and the men in my life! I truly love and admire Lewis for his courage and openness. For mothers to allow our sons the freedom to define themselves while supporting them with unconditional love and a safe harbor is the ultimate gift to humanity. We are raising the next generation of fathers, lovers, teachers and leaders. Always keep sharing! Love you both!!

  40. The biggest insight from this interview… when he said: “A lot of people that are so driven that are successful, usually come from a dark pain or something to prove”. It just shows us the mask that all of society is wearing. Hope this brings more awareness to hidden pain in both men and women, and that it’s time for us to talk about it. Thank you.

    • Julia - Team Forleo

      YES, Kristin. It’s so true. We all tend to wear masks of some kind, and being aware of and compassionate to each other’s hidden pain is so very important. We hope more and more conversations like this one will continue to happen. Talking about our pain is essential to healing it, and our world. Thank YOU for tuning in and sharing your insights!

  41. Anne-Sophie

    Yaaaas Marie and Lewis wonderful episode! The whole talk about vulnerability really resonated with me and reminded me of one of Brené Brown’s books where she writes specifically about how men and women approach vulnerability differently – because we’re conditioned to, not for any biological reasons. Just having that knowledge and understanding is key.
    I would also venture to say that, although this is about masculinity, it can also be important for women to notice where in our lives we either unconsciously encourage this behavior (“stop whining and be a man”) or where we act it out ourselves because even though we get that free pass to express ourselves more openly and emotionally, in our society there is a tendency to downplay vulnerability compared to stoicism because all things masculine are perceived as “better”/”stronger” etc. Personally, I know if I’m seeing red I won’t get physically violent and punch a wall but instead will use words and tone that can be equally as violent. And – surprise! – I’ve since realized that was a family trend growing up.
    So, a question I will now practice asking myself when I can feel my defenses coming on is, is this a mask? What a I covering up? And ditto if it’s my husband, father, one of my brothers, or a male friend reacting in a way that’s tipping me off: is that a mask he’s wearing? Not immediately rolling my eyes and being judgemental or defensive. Instead, practicing being aware and curious.
    Thank you, I really appreciate the nuggets o’ wisdom on building empathy and compassion by starting to understand. You rock for addressing this issue, Marie, as always!

  42. Lewis Howes….I love you! I just sent this to my son, as well as my boyfriend who is a Retired Navy Seal. (24 years)

    I have been telling him that there is a huge movement of men like him who are working to get in touch with their vulnerability and to create a new definition of masculinity. That his tribe is out there and it’s in formation as we speak. A tribe he will have much to share with coming from the highest levels of what we as a society THINK is masculinity. He didn’t believe me! Now he will have to! lol!

    Thank you so much for doing the work inside of yourself to get to these truths and to bring them to other men. I absolutely loved, loved your discovery that you were a super sensitive little boy. So was he and so are both my sons. I have tried to explain this for years but because I am a woman and because I am their mother, they could not hear me. Now, they will because it is coming from a man. So beautiful. Thank you SO VERY MUCH!!!!!!! I will never be able to thank you enough and I hope that your courage will inspire my sons and my man to reach out to other men like you who are making it safe, freeing and honorable to be vulnerable!

    • Julia - Team Forleo

      Teri Lynn, this is wonderful! We’re so happy that you’re creating the space for your sons and boyfriend to explore and embrace their vulnerability. You’re absolutely right, that there is a movement to create a new definition of masculinity, and that so many males can benefit from hearing and participating in conversations like this with other men. Thank you for being such an amazing part of this societal shift and for sharing this with your boys!

  43. Alanna Myers

    I was waiting for this interview! Thank you Lewis for writing this book and thank you Marie for interviewing him! We need to make being a gentleman cool again! Emphasis on the GENTLE in gentleman. Even though gentle … it was still SO manly and attractive. Gentlemanliness (if that’s a word, haha) seems so much healthier than the ‘toxic’ masculinity we see today when men move from assertiveness to aggression and get praised for it. Thank you again for playing such a big part in this sensitive man movement.

  44. Mauricio

    As a man, please let me tell you that Lewis is totally right, we just do not express our feelings because we are men, we must be strong and hard as a Rock !

  45. Hi, Marie and Lewis:

    Great interview but missing an important element about how men behave. Before they are men, they are little boys, and most little boys have mothers who sincerely want to raise good men. I’m now 70 so I was raising my son during the height of the women’s movement (as were all my mother-friends with sons). We made it OUR job to teach them what was expected of them in terms of relationships. We gave them household chores, taught them to cook and take care of their younger siblings, look people in the eye, stay in the conflict when they wanted to flee because they didn’t know how to communicate their feelings. We were WOMEN whose husbands couldn’t do these things, and we were determined that not happen to our sons. It took work; it didn’t come easily to our little boys. My son WANTED to go to his room alone when he couldn’t work out a problem with his sister, but I marched into that room and made him hang in there until he could finally talk about what angered him. I stood by his side while he struggled to speak up. I explained to his sister how important it was that we help boys learn how to express themselves so that she and her friends would have emotionally intelligent mates later in life.

    When my son, now a wonderful husband and a fabulous father to a son of his own, was 16-17, he said to me one day, “Mom, I think you raised the man you always wish you had married.” And he was exactly right. Nor was I alone. My women friends did the same; we talked to each other as we figured out step by step how to raise a good man. I now look around at the men those boys now are, and credit their mothers far more than their fathers for the good men that they are. (My DIL, by the way, tells me several times a year how grateful she is to me because she has such a fabulous life partner.)

    Long ago, a teacher of mine said this, “Fathers teach their sons how to be men. Mothers teach their sons how to treat women.” My belief, based on my experience, is that mothers are critical in the work of son-raising. So when Lewis is asked where women fit in here, he’s lost a whole segment of the process if he doesn’t talk about how important it is that mothers teach their sons the very relational skills Lewis says are so challenging for men to bring to bear in their lives.

    One other thing I did as a mom was to make sure he had plenty of role models in his life of really, really good men so he had them to look up to and learn from.

    My son is a high school teacher. Kids love him. He has never been in a fist fight in his life. He has lots of wonderful male friends (as well as female). He and his brother-in-law adore each other and are unafraid to say so. He and his sister can work out just about anything, as is also true with his wife. I am proud of him every day and often tell him so. It’s still more of an effort to get him talking from his vulnerability than it is, say, his wife or sister, but he’s doing it.

    Mothers have a lot to do with how boys become men. Please develop this talking point so more young mothers are empowered as mothers of sons.

    Thank you!

    Meredith Jordan, RN, MA, LCPC

    • Julia - Team Forleo

      Meredith, thank you so much for bringing up this essential point! You’re exactly right, that mothers (and fathers) play such a huge role in teaching their sons about opening up to their emotions and sharing their vulnerability with others in a healthy way. We have a handful of mothers of sons on Team Forleo and were speaking about how important this shift is for raising our next generation. It’s clear that you’ve done an incredible job of setting this example of parenthood and we thank you for all the hard work you’ve put into raising your son in a conscious way, instilling these values in him. Sensitive men like him will continue this important work in reforming our society and gender roles for the better. Thank you for being in our community and sharing your unique perspective on this conversation!

  46. Oh, my! Can I relate to this!! And, not from the standpoint of men vs. women, but the idea that as a human being, I’m aware of failing over and over when I’m triggered to respond in a loving, patient way. Living with my mother whose dementia doesn’t allow for negotiation of any kind guarantees many opportunities to practice letting go of the stories I’ve carried from my past. I know what Lewis and Marie are talking about when they acknowledge that habitual patterns don’t go away overnight. I feel encouraged to keep on keepin’ by listening to this conversation! Our teachers truly do appear when we’re ready! And the reminders I need of lessons already learned require frequent ‘visits’ by those who also walk this path of human existence.

    Thank you, so much!!

  47. Kay

    This is SUCH an important topic, as you both say, especially at this time in our culture. I am a marriage and family therapist and have studied with Terrence Real (and many others) for years. Literally our Relational Life community of therapists are in the midst of a 5 week course on the subject of Patriarchy and masculinity. Biggest take away from today is actually Lewis’s willingness to be vulnerable and model that for other men… giving permission and a Way. Thank you so much, both of you!!!! PLEASE KEEP TALKING ABOUT THIS!!!!

  48. I applaud you, Lewis, for your honesty and willingness to bring this topic into the open so that more men can hopefully feel empowered to live their inner truth. Vulnerability connects all of us, as Brené Brown has so eloquently taught us, and it’s important that men aren’t suppressed in their sensitivities and emotions. We know from history that men who embrace power as their weapon of choice don’t serve the world well … compassion always wins. And Lewis, you’re helping men AND women see how vital this is in our society. Compassion is what will heal our planet, and I thank you with all my heart for adding to the conversation. xoxo

  49. I was sexually assaulted a year ago, right after a heart wrenching breakup, and right before the 2016 election. The combination of events has sent me into utter frustration and straight anger at men. I don’t know how to date, I don’t know how to trust, I can barely talk to my father without getting vehemently upset at his refusal to accept not all behavior is “innate.” I hope this message will help current and future generations raise awareness and affect change around the cause for violence and lack of emotional intelligence in men.

    • Hailey - Team Forleo

      Thank you for sharing so openly, Mattie Jo. We’re so sorry to hear that you’ve been a victim of assault and that it has deeply affected your relationships with other men in your life. So often the scars of abuse aren’t visible on the surface so others may not always be aware of the pain we’re carrying and sometimes the best place to start is by having a conversation about it with those we love and trust. I hope this conversation helped provide a bit of comfort and encouragement for you as you continue along your own path to healing. Thanks for being a part of our world.

  50. Check out Dr Sue JOhnson’s work in Love Sense and Hold Me Tight! Correlates with the discussion of vulnerability and relationships.

  51. This conversation, to me, is the masculine side of allowing the world’s paradigm to shift. The Dalai Lama’s powerful statement, “the Western woman will save the world” and this awesome community I’m happy to be part of — we want men with us too. We need each other. We want and deserve each other. This is the start, where men can meet us. Vulnerability = strength and it’s great to see it in a man as well as in a woman.

  52. I’ll start by saying that any man who watches this video and says they can’t relate to what Lewis is saying is a liar. We’ve all been there. As a gay man I can relate on just as many levels to Lewis’ experiences as the next guy.

    However …
    … talk about masculine ego! (Mine, not Lewis.) I’m not unfamiliar with Lewis’ work and who he is. I discovered his writing and experience while researching material for a men’s retreat I’m facilitating in the spring of next year. But, this video was my first experience of hearing him express himself.

    I found myself becoming more and more tense, a bit annoyed, and then angry while hearing him share his story and speak about his work. Even now as I type this my palms are sweating! I’ve been teaching and preaching this for decades, but I’ve been told repeatedly, “Well, you’re gay. Of course you express yourself. But you don’t understand what it means to be a REAL man.” Lewis is that “real man” I always aspired to be, thought I needed to be, yet always fell short. (I was picked last on the team … every time .)

    ARGHHHHHHH!!!! (The sound Charlie Brown makes….) I read “The Hazards of Being Male” in my twenties, which eventually led to my wife at the time and me divorcing. No matter how much I loved her and wanted to be straight, it just wasn’t working, nor was it supposed to. Like Lewis and so many other males – gay, straight, bisexual, non-binary, and yet-to-be-determined – I had NO male friends I could confide in.

    Today that’s all changed. I’m in a long-term relationship, legally married to another guy, and have at least three “straight husbands” I can call on to go see the “guy movies” my family at home has absolutely no interest in seeing (the last one was “Atomic Blonde”). I have several guys in my life of various sexual orientations, including one trans man, who I call friends and confidants. I used to rely only on women for mentoring, since I couldn’t relate to successful straight guys, nor they to me it seemed.

    Now Marie is my own female mentor, surrounded by a group of men (Dennis Merritt Jones, Jeff Walker, Michael Hyatt, and Tony Robbins) whose work I follow and that I credit (along with Marie, of course!) for the limited success I’ve had in my work so far.

    Thank you so much for having Lewis on your show. And, thanks to Lewis for doing the work he’s doing.

    This video and the work Lewis does are not just important for men. It’s only by the males of our planet figuring out there’s no “top” to get to, but rather to it’s to work in concert with all people regardless of gender. It’s only by caring for one another that we’ll save our planet from the destructive course we’re on.

    And now, since Lewis pushed a few buttons on my ideas of gorgeous, successful straight guys that I thought I’d removed, I’ll be doing my TM session followed by a 90-minute massage (from another straight guy in my life!). It’s like Lewis says, doing everyday what it takes to continue being a better man, a better person, continually refining what it means to be the best version of myself.

    Thank you, Lewis, for pushing my buttons, making me aware of the work I still have to accomplish. I’m acutely aware that while I allowed you to push my buttons, you didn’t install them. That was my choice. Now, to find that owner’s manual to remind myself how to take a few more out of the mix.

    In Spirit, Truth, and Playfulness,

  53. Elaine Dolan

    Realizing the reason for his rage and deciding to reorganize it inside, NOT putting himself in that same weakened, diminished category of person as the volcanic reactive male, is Louis’ (Lewis’) saving grace. I have added *The Mask You Live In* to my reading list. Thanks for this Marie-share. ~Elena

    • Hailey - Team Forleo

      What a powerful takeaway, Elaine! Thanks for tuning in today– we hope you enjoy reading Lewis’ book and that his story continues to inspire you along your own journey. Thanks for being a part of our community!

  54. just watched your interview with Lewis Howe… yes I too have the puff up agressive programming with the win-at-all-cost disposition… Lewis’ share took me to a particular event where I wasn’t abused per se but it came via a strange conundrum of later needing prove my sexual masculinity because of a comment my father made about his, in a needling sort of way… at age 7… he was a powerful built man but an aesthete without the belief systems and social support to live it functionally- guess it was braggadocio on the way to sharing a male bonding moment, didn’t help

    very helpful, loving video, truly a gift and thank you, I’ll begin to reconstruct from here!

  55. Dervin Gilbert

    oops typos: to prove and powerfully plus I really loved my Dad

  56. Thanks for sharing! We have a Hopeful Minds program that teaches Hope to young kids, based on this very important concept that success does not equate to Happiness, instead it is how you treat yourself and others along the way. With the increase in anxiety and depression in youth, it is more important that we teach this to others, especially our children.
    36% of young girls report depression prior to age 18, and suicide is now the leading cause of death for females ages 15-18. We need to reframe this important conversation on success, especially when we talk to youth. Thank you for your work!

  57. I come from a family of big ten football players, and have typically chose unavailable men as partners. Now I am raising a son, who thankfully is a thoughtful and aware person. I appreciate the information about “just understanding, and be aware” as a place to start in relationship differences – understanding WHY that person is having this reaaction. Also, absolutely fascinating about the cultures you mentioned with little violence. I feel as a society of sexual, racial and gun violence, our most important task right now is social and emotional health. Thanks for coming forward, Lewis, and being vulnerable for us.

    • Hailey - Team Forleo

      Thanks so much for sharing, Kellie! We absolutely agree that the world needs this message now more than ever. You’re providing a beautiful example for your son to look up to and we’re so grateful to have you in our world.

  58. Martie

    Great timing for this book for me… as my brother enters his 9th month in rehab our family is coming together to understand him & one another… I’m buying this book for all of us:)

  59. Peggy DaValt

    Wow, Marie and Lewis – This was such an extraordinary episode. I am grateful that I was guided here to listen to this today. It truly was remarkable.
    Lewis – thank you so much for coming forward and revealing this to Marie’s vast audience, through sharing your own vulnerability in an effort to help others open up their hearts to love. When we delve deep into our shadow we really do find ourselves. Sharing is caring and you stepped right up in style.
    I appreciate this and you for sharing. Sharing is caring and so welcome to all of us.

  60. Carrie Richardson

    WoW! What a wonderful interview. Thank you so much, Lewis, for your courage and insight on this very important topic. I have been getting ready to launch my own coaching business and one of the areas I really want to focus on is how women can help support and encourage the men in their lives to feel safe enough to be more vulnerable and emotionally engaged. I really feel this “mask” analogy speaks volumes to the level of loneliness that a lot of women feel in their relationships with their men. I believe this emotional abandonment is a key reason why women cheat and have affairs (Yes, I am speaking from experience and this is the first time I am admitting that online) This might be a surprise to some but affairs usually are not about “not loving our husbands” or even “sex”. It’s all about connection.
    It’s the emotionally isolated that becomes so unbearable. There are a lot of smart, wonderful, loving women who fall into this illusional trap that another man can full fill their needs. Yes, they can but usually only temporarily and the results, as we all know, are devastating. The amount of shame, guilt, and pain for everyone involved can be insurmountable for most. This is an area of relationships that I feel is gravely misunderstood and can be eradicated if we can evolve our society to a place where both men AND women take their masks off. In the past 50 years, women have gone through an enormous societal shift creating the “superwoman” mentality that has undermined the essence of women today. We are confused anymore as to what is feminine and what is masculine energies and its out of balance and encroaching on the men in our lives and their masculine energies that help balance and support us as women. We need to come from a place deep in the heart, connect and express ourselves authentically, trust each other emphatically and love passionately. We need to learn to be fully present with each other in all relationships. I LOVED what you said about being in the airport. Realizing that you were “triggered” is key for ALL of us. Getting hold of that moment, making a conscious decision to recognize it, honor it, feel it, then let it go and breathe, breathe and breathe until the trigger passes so you can function in a productive and loving way rather than reacting impulsively and irresponsibly. What an amazing transformation!! This topic is some of the most important work that needs to get out there to our society. I thank you and honor you so much for being vulnerable and putting yourself out there for all to hear and see. We need more men like you. We all need to learn to conquer the fear, shame and guilt manifested from our past. It’s never too late for ANY man or women to make tremendous transitions in their lives. Much love and blessings to you and Marie!!

  61. M&L – Thank you for an AWESOME episode. We have my two boys living with us (2nd time around for us) and it’s easy to see how many of these responses given to boys (be a man, don’t be a sissy, you cry like a girl, you throw like a girl…) are detrimental to them as young adults.
    Recently, our younger son (18) came at me with verbal aggression over something, and I cut him off. He replied with (paraphrasing) “I guess it’s because I was raised to respond like that, and no, I don’t want to be this way.” That made us smile. 😉
    The road to true growth is rocky, especially for you guys. Thanks for sharing your story and how every day is a challenge and an adventure. 🙂

    • Hailey - Team Forleo

      We’re so glad you enjoyed this interview, Mary Jo! We hope Lewis’ story will continue to be a source of insight and inspiration for you as you navigate your own relationships with your sons. It sounds like you’ve already set a beautiful example for them to look up to and we’re grateful for your commitment to raising such conscious and considerate men. Thanks for stopping by today!

  62. Cindy

    I have been so blessed for over 35 years to be married to a man who has never been afraid to show his feelings, to express his love tenderly, to put caring for those he loves first and always be the nice guy who helps others for no other reason than he can. I did not fully appreciate all of these so called ‘softer sides’ when we first became a couple. I guess in some ways I bought into the masculine stereotype and sometimes expected him to ‘act’ like a man, as I had been taught, was his ‘masculine’ right to do. The fact that he never did was the truest testament to his masculinity. He was strong enough to be a loving man who didn’t need to diminish or dominate or decimate anyone else to be masculine. His kindness is his strength, love is his weapon of choice and he is truly one of the most genuine human beings I have ever met. Through him I learned a whole new definition of what can define a man’s sense of masculinity and it was so different from any other experience I had ever had it took awhile for me to wake up to how very blessed I was. There is no need for men and women to compete as to nature’s…we both have the innate ability to combat negativity in the world and bring people together harmoniously in exactly the same way…with simple love.

  63. Definitely a “wow” kind of interview. Thank you both…truly special

  64. Dear Marie,
    What Lewis is talking about is so necessary for boys and men today. Three years ago my nephew an extremely sensitive young man found drugs as a way to try to cope with depression and fitting in this world as a man. Of course there is so much more to Hamza’s story than the young man who handed out two dollar bills to homeless and helped others to get off drugs. At nineteen he committed suicide and our secret heart became something I felt needs more airing and sharing. A week after returning from his funeral I wrote ‘Masks’ . I wanted to share because it related to what you and Lewis talked about today.

    I put my mask on and bury my unkind thoughts, to shield the world from my inner demons.
    I put my mask on to bolster my backbone, to strengthen my core, so you don’t see the dark side of my light-filled heart.
    I put my mask on to cloak my hurt and pain, my anger and disdain.
    The hell that burns inside my soul flickers like a flame from beneath my mask seldom. Years of practice have tempered my mask.
    Behind my mask I hide.
    The forgotten me…
    I am beyond the tomorrow and the yesterday.
    I am the happiness in a moment and the reflection of the moon.
    Magic lives within and all around me.
    I am the eternal forever of the soul. ~
    I know that some masks are necessary to navigate the world but with conditioning I agree that many are wearing so many they no longer recognize who they are and what lies beneath.


    The most impactful inside for me is we need to show other people we care about them and try to connect to really get to know what is going inside people that are close to us. Most of the time, we assume people are a certain way just because and it is ok. Maybe they want to talk about what is going on but just do not how. Also, I loved what Lewis said about knowing and understanding what does not feel right inside of us, so each individual can work on that every single day.
    About showing emotions, my father never showed emotions about anything; my brothers and I could only talk to him about school, grades, work and accomplishments. On the other hand, my mother was too emotional she broke down for everything and cried all the time for everything. So, I think It is important to find the equilibrium between being vulnerable and being strong.

  66. Judy Binning pratt

    Marie has elevated her interviewing to the most compassionate level, this will be Lewis’s sweetest most heartfelt conversation. As a mother of a street fighting bar brawling son, I’m going to beg him to watch this interview. Thank you so much Lewis . These are words of healing that sink deep .

  67. Thank you for publishing this, Marie, and thank you, Lewis Howes for having the courage and strength of character to come forward with this very moving testament.

    Being a “real man” like being a “real woman” has everything to do with integrity, honesty, compassion, understanding, kindness, caring and commitment to others—not just ourselves.

    My spouse and I are raising an adolescent boy right now and every day I hope I’m modeling a good role model for him. Lewis has made it easier for all males, of all ages, by his truly laudable words and ideas.

    • Hailey - Team Forleo

      Beautifully said, Steve! We’re glad that Lewis’ message resonated so deeply with you and we’re grateful for your commitment to raising your own son with these values. Thanks so much for being a part of our community!

  68. Lillian Halls

    After reading through some of these comments, I’m sad that Louis has been attacked for where he is in his journey.
    Awareness is the first step in the healing process. I applaud Louis and everyone who work towards improving emotional health.
    Awareness is the first step. I love how Louis gained awareness of how he’s been internalizing and emoting his internal and external environment.
    His discovery of this and the masks he wears is wonderful!
    I’ve walked many male clients through this extremely emotionally painful time as they begin to see who they are without their masks. I applaud Louis for having the courage to uncover his mask and to come out openly to talk about it. It’s by far the hardest thing a man could do. Most of the men I coach would rather die than become vulnerable in this way.
    I love how Louis visualizes his upcoming day each morning. Rehearsing how he will emotionally and physically respond when problems arise is brilliant.
    Being on my own journey towards emotional health, I’ve come to realize it’s a journey that all of us must travel on our entire lives. No one is above improvement and progression.
    It’s also a journey that needs many guides and tools along the way. Louis’ message and book resonates with many men and woman and can be a Segway into essential conversations leading to emotional healing. Men need other men to model healthy masculinity as much as women need other woman to model healthy femininity. Having these modeled is essential.

    • Healthy masculinity is not one’s becoming more female because of a terrible experience such as what he had to go through. It is very powerful to see his response but a response to his experience does not mean it is an attack. That forgive me is the way women would see this in an attempt to protect a sensitive man.
      I have worked with many NFL players and men from every profession including the military. Without men being men you, your freedom would not be.

      • Regina S Islas

        How exactly do you define freedom Mark? In a rape culture, such as the reality of the one we in which we are both living in-women are confined, conscribed and limited; physically, economically, socially. We don’t know yet what freedom is truly. When you write ‘men being men’ do you mean military service? Women serve, have done so, and will continue to-in secret as in WWII, and publicly. Is this the freedom men have provided us? Curious.

  69. Chris Edie

    I quite enjoyed listenting to this interview and really gets my level of confusion up even higher than normal.
    So -short- background, I’m a male, late 30s and generally have grown my life much more in the category of -gentle-man, as Alanna put it. Currently I’m working in an After School program with 5-12 yr olds (mostly male in my group) trying to be a strong role model but also pull from the best minds on the subject.
    I’ve been reading and Michael Gurian “Saving our Sons” after hearing a couple interviews with him. He goes much less a ‘boys will be boys’ approach, but also not overly a ‘show your emotions and vunderabilty’ approach. I may have to pick up Lewis’s book for comparison.

    I struggle to figure out which way to teach and guide my kids (both mine and the ones I look after)
    1) Current paradigms are ‘no touching’ and ‘use your words’ with kids (especially boys) to develop and have them be more in tune with their female counterparts.
    2) Boys will be boys, rough housing and intense play is okay allowing for competition and one-ups-man-ship. (Mind you hazing/bullying/and abuse are still a no-no)

    I feel like I grew up more in a more ‘use your words’ style upbringing as did many of my friends, but also feel like I suffer from, as Gurian calls it, Male Anhedonia. As I think do many of my friends. Some achieved much and pushed on and forward, but many seem to list from one place to another without real direction.
    Nearly everyone of my friends that went on to advanced degrees were Female, and it seems more and more of the Science and technologies degrees programs are full with women. Many men seem to have fallen to the side without the drive they once seem to have had.
    I don’t know how much might have to do with one way of raising or another, and I suppose only time will tell as paradigms change.

    Normally I wouldn’t post online, much more of a ‘lurker’ than a poster, but I have come to respect Marie and much of her followers. So any thoughts or personal views on the subject would be welcome.

    • Hailey - Team Forleo

      Thanks for taking a moment to share your thoughts with us, Chris! We’re so glad Lewis’ message resonated with you and offered you a different perspective on this important topic. While there isn’t a one-size-fits-all formula for relationships or raising children, we hope this conversation will continue to be a source of insight and inspiration for you. Thanks for being a part of our community and adding your voice to this conversation!

    • Chris,
      This is a subject that really has no experts. It’s all about personal experience. There are emotional people, not genders. Some are sensitive, some not as much. How we allow kids to express themselves has to be in consideration of their effect on others. If a kid has only his fists to use as tools, he’s got to be trained to use words. If she only knows words to use in anger, she’s got to be trained to be kind. If he only knows insult to get back at someone for hurting him, he needs to be trained to express his feelings instead of getting even. People are children first and foremost. That child inside the adult has either been trained or is still a brat.

      I’m glad to know you’re working with kids because you care. That’s always the first step for any kid.

      • Thanks Sondra, loved the clarity and elegance of your post. I believe your comment that the “child inside the adult has either been trained or is still a brat” cuts to the heart of this entire conversation.

        The destructive behaviors that are so often labeled “masculine” have little to do with healthy, integrated, adult Masculinity. Rather, they are the product of men who are acting out from a place of immature “boy” energy and psychology.

        For me, every moment of every day is an exercise in deciding who will run the show – my needy, demanding, narcissistic child, or the healthy Adult Man who knows he’s enough, is aware of his internal emotional world, and has the capacity to deal with it in a healthy way. Some times the brat wins, some times the Adult wins.

        In the end, so much of it goes back to losing the ability to feel. I can still remember crying on the playground at an early age and being told not to be a baby or a sissy or a girl. It wasn’t long before I would have been willing to have my ass kicked all day long rather than cry or show “weakness”.

        And so I learned to shut down. I couldn’t feel. I couldn’t talk. I lost the connection to my body’s wisdom and intelligence. By some point in my early teens the only thing I could feel was rage. (This is a fairly common experience with most of the men I know, by the way.) And it wasn’t until a few years ago – after years of hard work – that I finally was able to crack through. I can feel now. I’m in touch with what’s going on inside of me, and I can express it in a healthy way, even when it’s forceful and clear, or vulnerable and scary.

        The tricky thing is that while women can help model what it’s like to be more integrated with feelings, I have a hunch that ultimately, there’s only so much they can do. Men need to assume the responsibility for helping other boys and men make the successful transition into Adult Manhood. A woman can help, but it’s not her job. A man needs to want to do it, and other Men need to help him.

    • Chris Edie

      Thank you both for your feedback. It is true that I try to make sure kids have the tools (verbal, emotive and straight intelligence) to thrive in life. Just so hard sometimes when there are such stark differences between the boys and girls of the same age.
      I’ll keep muddling my way along, learning as much as I can. Do the best we can until we know a better best.

  70. Wow, I love this topic. So grateful to watch this today. Lewis is a fine man in every sense of the world. Jeez is he single? LOL He just gave me so much hope. Thanks Marie and Lewis!

  71. Nancy

    I picked up Lewis’s book last week and have begun reading it. It has been so insightful and eye opening. I used to think I wish I was a man. Life would be so much easier if I was a man. I to used to think men were strong emotionless successful people. I was also intimidated by them. But after listening to Lewis and just reading the intro to his book, I see that men have it just as hard as we do, maybe even harder. I was raised in a family where we didn’t show much emotion nor did we talk about it. My parent’s relationship wasn’t the norm. My mom wore the pants in the relationship. My dad worked hard and provided well for his family but for my perfectionist mom, nothing was ever good enough. I realize now that many of my romantic relationships with men didn’t work because i was portraying more masculine energy just like my mom did. Thankfully with the help of a personal growth program I’ve been doing, I can finally begin to understand my feelings and learn to heal and tear down my old habits. I’m still a work in progress but I can see the sifts in the new relationships I’ve been forming. Thank you Marie and Lewis! It’s your work that helps and inspires me to be a little bit of a better person than I was before! I am grateful to exist in the same world as people like yourselves. God knows we need more of you around!

    • Hailey - Team Forleo

      We’re so glad to hear you’re enjoying Lewis’ book so far, Nancy! Ironically, our own “personal” development is often deeply rooted in our relationships with others. We hope today’s timely conversation helped spark some new ideas for you as you continue along your own journey of growth and healing. We’re so grateful to have you in our world!

  72. Anger is the gateway to all of our emotions – Lewis you’ve never failed. If we allow ourselves to feel anger more frequently it will never build up to the point where it erupts like an explosion into a temper – anger and temper are two different things. Anger is ok to feel. This is why I love the compliment of feminine energy as it connects a man more to his feelings so he can access them more frequently.
    Katie 🙂

  73. Dear Lewis and Marie,
    Thank you so much for this beautiful episode. From the Netherlands I can say that our Alpha culture is a bit smaller than yours. But nevertheless I do think there’s a global message here. The one friend you can tell everything to is a very important one. For you Lewis to open up the way you have is a huge step forward, I’m not surprised by all the great responses you got from doing that. I have a son, a seven year old. And he’s also much more emotional than his two sisters. He also has a great spirit, everywhere he comes people smile. But your words… I will never forget them raising him into a great man. Your words (almost) made me cry. Thank you

  74. Corinna

    I loved this. I knew Lewis Howes before and I think it´s such an amazing work he is doing!!! Thanky you for this Episode. It was AWESOME

  75. I really enjoyed this on so many levels. I feel it’s a conversation we need have more an I will keep what Lewis shared in mind when interacting and thinking about the men in my life or men in general. As a coach I’ve often felt moved to work with me although I’ve never marketed myself to them. This really inspired me to not rule this out in my future as I’ve noticed I have I care deeply for men who have been through emotional trauma. I’m adding his book to my reading list.

    Thank you for this Marie and Lewis, love and light!

    • Hailey - Team Forleo

      Thanks for sharing, Nadjejda! We’re so glad you enjoyed this interview and we’re thrilled that it has inspired you to branch out in your own work. We hope Lewis’ book and story continue to be a source of insight and inspiration for you. Thanks for tuning in!

  76. JASON

    As a man who has been fighting two sides of this coin for 40 plus years I have many strong opinions on the subject.

    Being conflicted however I usually restrain myself from communicating those thoughts.

    I believe my aggressive A type personality has been as essential to my personality as it has been destructive. Luckily I was brought up as a momma’s boy which is what I attribute my openness, and emotional introspection to, and what I use to offset the negatives.

    That short diatribe is meant to show that I am mostly well balanced and embrace both sides of MY coin.

    That said, I think discussions like this while valuable, tread dangerously close to absurdity and certainly reek of ignorance.

    First stereotypes exist, because they are real. Whether caused by DNA, social landscape, past experiences or what-have-you they exist.

    Second the aggressive, A type male role has not only been beneficial to our current place in evolution on this planet, in more modern times has been utilized to keep society safe and secure. You can’t enjoy the rewards of these mannerisms while ignoring their value.

    Third we acknowledge and (rightfully) criticize the aggressive and oppressive nature of men but casually, even blissfully ignore the same violence and oppression perpetuated by women. Women are proven to be the strongest retail shopping segment. That segment wholeheartedly supports clothing and cosmetic industries that absolutely depends on the oppression of third world societies (usually women), environmental degradation and cruelty to animals.

    You simply cannot criticize or expect change without deeply considering your own involvement and often complicity.

    The fact is our world is based on over powering each other, and taking advantage of others weaknesses.

    Whether it is the parking officer, the tax man, your boss, Big Oil, whomever, our world is based on it. Changes need to be made but they need to be made on a far grander scale than most consider.

  77. Amy Lloyd

    So inspiring to hear a male be this vulnerable. I resonated big time with this conversation– especially the part of me that has always been so driven, which as Lewis said, typically comes from a darker place of pain. It’s often far easier to focus on all the accolades and success instead of what lies beneath. It is wonderfully freeing to realize this, to be vulnerable, free of constantly having to prove yourself. What are we trying to prove anyway, and to whom?

    As always, thank you Marie and thank you, Lewis! Happy to be introduced to your voice.


  78. Kitty

    I had shivers down my spine while watching this episode, because of its importance and relevance! I think it is incredibly courageous and extremely powerful that Lewis dares to share his story and vulnerability with us like that. Therefore first of all I would like to say: thank you very very much Lewis! And there are soooo many men I would just love to forward this to!!!

    The single biggest insight for me is that compassion is the key to so many inner and outer conflicts. I learnt that compassion can only really start from compassion for oneself first. As I hear and see Lewis struggle with his mask(s) I wish him lots and loads of self compassion!

    I was bullied as a kid and learnt the same: why don’t you just #@$%^&&*+# try harder to fit in, you stupid! That’s what children who are bullied get to hear all the time. There’s no request for a change of attitude for the bullies. Which implies that their behavior is in fact ‘natural’. That in order to make it in life, they’re actually on the right track. Bullies were (/or are still) usually bullied themselves somewhere (at home?) along the line. Hit ‘m first or they’ll hit you.
    Talking about this in such a frank way really shines a light on the madness of it all. And therefore I thank you so much Marie & team for putting it out there.
    With love,

    • Hailey - Team Forleo

      Thanks so much for your kind words, Kitty! We’re glad this message resonated so deeply with you and we hope Lewis’ story will continue to be a source of insight and inspiration for you. You summed it up beautifully– compassion is one of the most powerful tools that we have in our relationships with ourselves and others. Thanks for sharing the love and being a light in our world!

  79. The coolest thing about Lewis’s interview was that it was a great reminder for us women too! Knowing and owning your strengths and being FINE with your vulnerabilities is key–for all of us, male and female. It’s the most important step on the path to becoming authentically YOU. #LiftThatVeil #YayMe

  80. For all those men , and the women who love them, who are reeling from the Weinstein/ Me Too! explosion
    there are groups you can align with to feel your power and nobility.
    One lives in Boulder Colorado as part of MESA, Moving to End Sexual Assault. A google search potentially will show a similar program in your area. If not, please message me for guidance, support and content to begin one in your area.

    It is called
    The Men Standing Up Program – While most men are against sexual violence, the lack of male engagement in ending sexual assault reflects the need for education and mobilization that specifically caters to men. MESA’s Men Standing Up (MSU) Program frames sexual violence prevention as a men’s issue. Through events, workshops, and trainings, MSU informs, enlists, and empowers men in our community to become agents in the movement to end sexual assault.

  81. Joeho

    Well he grew up with women – that is why he can express himself so well, and he is in touch with his feelings and communicate in a clear way – after he had some kind of therapy.

  82. Lindsay

    What are the communities that she says have little to no violence? I codlin ‘t understand her.

    • Hailey - Team Forleo

      Hi Lindsay! The two communities Marie mentions are the Semai in Malaysia and the Hutterites in North America. Thanks for stopping by today!

  83. Sara Carlson

    As a woman, I was alarmed that I was identifying with Lewis straight up the line. ALL my rage goes back to childhood and being unprotected, sent to my room until I could get a ‘better countenance’, being used as the face for a perfect family which was/is so insane I’m still screaming inside. I thought I’d do myself a favor and give myself uncensored emoting in the moment, without the above insight. Once you start letting it out, there’s no calling it back. It’s really hideous when I see victimizing going on…the red curtain comes down and it’s a 200+ pound silver-back gorilla bent on bringing it to an abrupt end (my sister witnessed it one night when my cat’s screaming brought me bolt upright out of bed with my hatchet, and in my underwear and t-shirt only, I sprinted out of the house through 3 feet of snow clear down to the barn, growling and snarling at a bellow, hunting the thing terrorizing my cat until I felt certain it was gone. Then I walked back to the house, got back in bed, and was sound asleep just like that. It was like sleep walking, but insanely action packed. Here’s how I remembered it…internally, I was hijacked, tied to a chair, and forced to watch whatever took over my body do what it was doing. I don’t know, but I now call that ‘berzerking’.) My sister says I’m completely out of touch with my inner feminine, which after a longer discussion, I agree. I guess I’ve adopted the belief that it’s not safe to be female for me. So, now I’ve got awareness…and listening to Lewis, I have a better bead on choosing to give myself the moment to breathe and either re-frame or see where I shot myself in the foot, or whatever, and find some other ways to express myself around folks who should probably die, but just not by my hand. Right now, my ‘go to’ is , “They will attract the perfect persons and/or situation that will take care of them (for better or for worse) WAY better than I ever could. So, get out of the way and stop gumming up the works.”

  84. Laurais

    If we’re to live in a kinder, more equitable, less violent world, women, especially successful, middle class women, on the whole, will need to do a lot of work on themselves to overcome the anti-male attitudes instilled in them (and in men) by a culture drenched in misadry: the sanctimoniousness and superiority that many women feel, their sense of entitlement and self-righteousness, their lack of self-reflection and the adoption of values that, when present in men, these women are apt to condemn. Our educational institutions and the culture generally instills these attitudes. It takes a measure of humility to examine and reject them in favor of the honesty and equality many women desire, so long as those goals might be achieved on their terms.

  85. I am so grateful this discussion is happening, and it’s so powerful that it comes from a former football player willing to be vulnerable and take the risk to tell his story. As men become more open, I believe this challenges we women to hold space and allow them to be as vulnerable as they need to be without passing the culturally charged judgment that comes with the paradym of male masculinity. Am I ready to allow my boyfriend to cry in front of me and quit his horrible job even if it risks financial stability or more? Thanks so much for bringing this to the forefront, Marie.

    • Regina S Islas

      Excellent, thank you.

    • Hailey - Team Forleo

      We’re so glad you enjoyed this interview, Suzanne! You brought up such a great point. As Newton said, every action inspires an equal and opposite reaction so it will be interesting to see how this conversation also challenges us as women in our relationships with men and beyond. Thanks for adding your ideas to this important discussion!

  86. If the book helps some men look behind their masks or some women to connect with them better, that’s great – but – it’s obviously something that occurs in both sexes, where women have historically “played dumb” or feigned helplessness to the point where they have trouble breaking free of their self-limiting behaviors as well. It seems a shame to me that this needs to be written about with a total focus on men, but I suppose the goal is to get it into the hands of the “manly” men who won’t read books by or about women.

    We all need to look inside ourselves and work on the damaging behaviors that don’t serve us or others.

  87. Paula Richer

    Bravo Lewis! You remind me so much of my favorite feminist – Jackson Katz. Thank you for speaking out, for being so brave by (of all ways) showing your vulnerability, and for making this issue a very big deal. You are a perfect voice for this message and I wish you great success in your continued healing and growth. Light and love!

  88. I love this – thank you. This is such an important subject to openly talk about, especially with the recent #metoo movement. Thanks for leading the way Lewis!!

    • Hailey - Team Forleo

      We’re so glad you enjoyed this interview, Karla! We agree that this message couldn’t have come at a better time and we hope it will continue to inspire healing conversations everywhere. Thanks for tuning in today!

  89. Having lived with an emotionally abusive therapist partner for 14 years we’ve finally found some resources that I think a lot of folks might be interested in. check out the books Steven Stosny has written about abuse being an outcome of lack of safe emotional attachment during childhood. It’s pretty amazing to read the model he’s created. He also sees abuse as a compassion deficit. My partner is finding some help with these books and a book called “When Good Men Behave Badly”. check it out. I guarantee we all know someone like this.

  90. Oh my gosh, this was amazing!!! I LOVE that Lewis opened up about the dysfunctional ways in which boys are brought up and how essential it is for them to express themselves and for us to help them by holding space for them. This is so important to talk about so we can help the males in our world heal!

  91. Amazing insight and genuine honesty about your journey. I thank you for being so courageous and strong by showing your vulnerability. More men need to find their courage and learn to express their real emotions. I hope this message spreads…we need it now more than ever. THANK YOU!

    • Hailey - Team Forleo

      Thanks for sharing your kinds words, Teresa! We agree that the world needs this message now more than ever and we hope Lewis’ story will continue to spark some positive and productive conversations for you. Thanks for tuning in!

  92. Victoria

    Just great, he is so lovely and this topic is very important. There will definitely be less wars and shootings if men are able to share their emotions with others in their lives. Amazing is the work he has done on himself and how free he is to talk about his masks and his secret…yet another case of a childhood abuse though — insane how many children are sexually abused in this country. Perhaps, somebody should do a show on that? It’s time Americans address this topic heads on…I mean, almost every second American I come in contact with was sexually abused as a kid (and I’m not even a social worker, just a curious sociable person who makes friends easily), how is that possible?

  93. Greg DeGuglielmo

    Well done…thank you Marie & Lewis. To Marie’s question, the best insight I take from this is that by playing up our strengths we are actually shoring up our weaknesses…Lewis’ journey comprises self cultivation where he has experienced both and is a highly integrated person. And at the same time, he has embraced certain predilections and struggles unique to men just as a women experience predilections and struggles unique to women. Ultimately, you can apply this growth in everyday encounters …simply by being more compassionate and kind. Those are qualities our society needs more of… and whether you’re a man or a woman, they are a sign of strength ad well as a light in the darkness of the times we’re in.
    Thank you! 🙂
    Greg DeGuglielmo

  94. Denise

    I absolutely LOVED listenung to Lewis Howes talk with you! I have long since believed that we have discussed the suppression of women but not of the suppression of men. I believe we both, male and female have the same potential for emotional intelligence. We each have the full gambit of emotions and deserve the opportunity to have them, feel them and express them. It truly is an opportunity for closeness like no other when we are able to truly FEEL safe to be ourselves! Great to see change! Xx Denise

    • Hailey - Team Forleo

      Beautifully said, Denise! Thanks so much for taking a moment to share your thoughts with us. We hope this message continues to inspire some of healing conversations of your own. Thanks for being a part of our world!

  95. Kat

    Marie, you deliver AGAIN! Loved his vulnerability, honesty, the tips of daily rehearsal from 26 mins in, so powerful as woman raising boys and a Therapist working with people and a wife with a strong yet vulnerable man who sometimes wears his protector and provider mask. xxxxxxx

  96. This is exactly the ‘straightjacket’ in which boys are brought up. I think we have a huge opportunity for women to understand what men have gone through and for men to understand what women have gone through. For true liberation, I think we need collaboration between all genders. It’s tempting to blame men for all the ills in the world, especially when a few high profile men have acted so badly (see today’s headlines). But the real issue is our traditions of gender roles for everyone. That’s the ‘enemy’ not each other! I wrote extensively about all this in my new book, entitled “a man wearing a dress,” now published and available everywhere (just search). I would love to join you, Marie, and Lewis, and others in a dialog about all this and help move us all forward.

  97. Beejay

    Oh wow! What an incredible topic and an even more incredible interview! As always you aced it, Marie! Thank you so much for your amazing work! I could resonate with almost everything Lewis said, both as a parent and sister and as a Counseling Psychologist. We all have emotional wounds that were inflicted on us growing up and they dictate everything we do in our adult life. Unfortunately, not everyone gets the opportunity to face those wounds and work on healing them. Just recently I did a study in my neighborhood on factors that drive adolescent girls and boys into deviant behavior and one the things that stuck out as a common factor, is how almost all the children that I talked to were either teased, bullied, abused or exposed to subtle comments by their parents or peers about their abilities and competencies, or the way look etc. These wounds turned them into angry, resentful, hostile, bitter uncaring human beings. I went further to interview children in remand homes and those factors were confirmed. And the saddest part which came out strongly in Lewis’ interview is the fact the abusers had been abused (physically, emotionally or sexually) themselves as children. These wounds are being passed down through generations and that is why we have a such a sick society. What really inspired me though, is his consideration and concern for us women, to help us better understand our partners, brothers, sons and male companions in general. I am taking a lot of lessons from this. Thank you SO SO much, Marie and please keep them coming! You are a star for real!!! Lots of love and hugs from Tanzania <3

    • Hailey - Team Forleo

      Wow– thanks so much for sharing, Beejay! It sounds like you’re doing some powerful work in your community as well and we so appreciate the safe space you’re providing for others to share their own stories. We hope Lewis’ story and this inspiring conversation will continue to spark some new ideas for you. Thanks for being a part of our big-hearted, global community!

  98. sandra

    Greatful for Lewis for being this brave!!! Phenomenal book of our time of social revolution!

  99. Marie and Lewis – I always love Marie T.V BUT this week for the first time I feel COMPELLED to comment in my capacity as founder and CEO of Genderbuzz®.

    I have been in Marie’s community for 4 years now and she and her team have helped me build a purpose-led business based on female leadership, equality and empowerment. During that time I have been waiting for a man like Lewis to talk about toxic masculinity from the heart. ? As someone who is clearly a sportsman and fits into the stereotype of ‘Alpha Male’ his platform is a powerful and authentic one. Until we end this emotional violence against men with this toxic masculinity none sense, we cannot, and will not end violence against women, children and even animals.

    We, as women, have our parts to play too, we must step up as equals to men. We must cease to put pressure on them to be the ‘Provider’ at all costs. the ‘Jock’ at all costs, the ‘Knight in shining armour’ at all costs. We have to leave our own ‘Princess’ roles behind to free men from their own harmful gender stereotype boxes.

    Lewis – if you come to the U.K I would love for us to meet and to show you what Genderbuzz® is trying to do here to create equality for women (and men) and kids in the workplace and free us all from these OUTDATED gender stereotypes that cause us and our world so much pain, division and violence.

    Marie – this is one of your most heartfelt episodes ever! Thank you – you inspire me every day with Marie T.V.

    Natasha Stromberg – CEO,

    • Heather- Team Forleo

      Natasha- Thank you for being a part of our beautiful family all these years. Your support and words mean more to us than you’ll ever know. xo

  100. Benson Modie

    Thank you Marie, thank you Lewis……’s a great conversation you had with a lot to learn from. Both men and women were meant to learn…….a continuous and life-long process……and will certainly get better than they have always been.

  101. I loved the end question of which mask comes up the most. And it’s just so true how the universe has it’s special ways to trigger you just on that one area of your life where you’re working on the most. I felt it very honest and it helps me realize I really have find those spaces to breath and not let situations and panic get the best of me. Thanks so much for this episode!

    • Hailey - Team Forleo

      What a powerful takeaway, Victoria. We’re so glad Lewis’ story resonated with you and inspired you to explore these ideas in your own life. This isn’t an issue that’s resolved overnight so it’s important to not only recognize our common “masks” but the things that trigger them. The idea is to try to be just a little bit better everyday, and as Marie often reminds us, it’s about “progress, not perfection”. Thanks for stopping by!

  102. Pamela Chesson

    All I can say is Lewis Howes, YOU my friend are right on time in my life! Thank you for your insight into my world with my 22 yr old son! I will be delving into your books asap!

  103. Hello Marie!
    I’m a male subscriber and fan for years, your content and perspective are dynamite!

    Like Lewis, I too am on a jurney to re-define, or at least broaden, the cultural norm for masculinity. I’m a hetero, male, professional cuddler and entrepreneur. By far the majority of cuddling clients are male. Why so few female clients? That’s the conversation that I’m offering to have with women. I’m in NJ and interviewing women nationwide about their candid views on male-female touch for my forthcoming book, “The Joy of Cuddling.” The good, the bad, the ugly. Confidentiality is important to transparency for some, so Kik is an option, for those not willing to text or email. For those that want to “go on the record” creating a a video via Zoom is something that I’ve done, too.

    Keep up the engaging content, Marie, I always look forward to it!

  104. Marie – you did it again – brilliant and timely interview. Yes, men are conditioned from birth which is so sad they are more disconnected from their feelings and as Lewis mentions what happened to him when he got triggered – his anger turned to rage and that is suppressed emotion. It took him to speak out and that allowed other men to do so also. Lets talk is so important. Speak out. As a coach specializing in losses, I coach mainly women – why because men don’t ask. They won’t ask for help which is so sad that they remain hurt and wounded. Bravo – let’s remove our masks ………

  105. Brandon Davidson

    Wow. Marie, I am a guy and have been watching you for several years. Unusually, I grew up with a mother and father who encouraged us to talk about our feelings, share them with each other, and process them in a healthy way. However (like Lewis), this value was not encouraged outside of the home in high school, and later into adult life. Often times, I encountered “masculine” men who resisted talking about and showing feelings. Thus, I’ve struggled to connect with other men emotionally, feeling uncomfortable in their presence. This episode gives me much insight into the inner workings of some broken men (including myself) and the pressures men put on themselves and each other to appear bullet proof. Lewis, you’re like the male Brene Brown!

    Lewis has broken the ice, and this dialogue needs to be happening with more men in wider circles. Way to go, Lewis. I will refer to this episode over and over.

    May I suggest further reading on the subject of the “trap of success?” Please refer to personality study “THE ENNEAGRAM,” Type #3 – The Achiever (book by Riso/Hudson). The book goes into great detail about how the overachiever pattern develops (Type #3), and gives great tools for growth. I have benefitted from this study for years.

    • Hailey - Team Forleo

      Thanks so much for sharing a bit of your own story with us, Brandon. We’re so glad Lewis’ message resonated with you and we hope this interview will continue to inspire some positive and productive conversations of your own. It sounds like you’re already doing some important work to better understand yourself and others. By implementing these powerful tools, you’re already well on your way to building stronger, healthier relationships with the men in your life and beyond. Keep up the amazing work and thank you for adding your voice to this timely conversation!

  106. E Xtra

    Eye and mind opening. I think you’ve just helped me to understand my ex husband:). I wonder what he has been through that I knew nothing of in 20 years of marriage. I’ve always known that he went through ‘something’ that he never spoke of…maybe I’ll never know his truth, but now I ‘know.’ Congratulations to you for recognizing you needed a change and doing so well. Thank you for your candor and bravery in opening up. I think you will help so many in your life. Keep going…we’re all supporting you.

  107. Barbara

    Loved this. I can look at myself as well as my husband about things he said. But I loved that he was brave enough not to talk to the lady until he had calmed down. Great lesson!

  108. I have figured out that just when my head is screaming to bring attention to something, Marie Forleo is interviewing the expert. Now, where’s that episode on replanting the forests and tearing down the damns? Thanks for being Ahawesome, Marie TV.

    Sondra Dee

  109. That part about “what can I do to connect with them from my heart to their hearts even when they are guarded/closed off/not present/not communicating” – YES! But really, what can I do?? I don’t know! I really don’t know. I’m so committed to this but I don’t know how or what to do. Please talk about that next time….
    I know there might well not be a “one size fits all” solution, but what does it take, how is that done…?

    • Hailey - Team Forleo

      Thanks for sharing this powerful takeaway, Este. You’re absolutely right that there isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution but often the best place to start is having honest conversations with those we love and trust. Sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is listen and provide a safe space for others to share their stories and let us know how we can help them. Compassion is one of the most powerful tools we have, and while we can’t control other’s behaviors toward us, we do have a choice about how we react to them. Your message reminded me of another inspiring episode that touches on this topic that may provide some additional insight for you:

    • Este, I think about what fears keep a person from opening up. One is fear of criticism or shame from the listener. Even if you don’t intend to criticize or shame him, many men are afraid of this most of all. For many men, it takes them time to express their feelings in words, which seems to be easier for women (based on some research into how our brains are organized). So if a man is struggling to express his feelings and is stumbling over his words in an attempt to get it right, one thing he might be afraid of is someone else (a woman perhaps) jumping in too soon to try to guess what he’s trying to express. This can easily add to his shame because it can be interpreted that he doesn’t know his own feelings well enough or is ‘stupid’ for not being able to find the words quickly. So I recommend the approach, when listening, to have patience and not try to interpret or fix anything right away. Asking questions is good, but in my experience, the difference between “leading questions” and “open questions” is important. Examples. A leading question might be “But don’t you think that …” whereas an open question might be “I heard you say [his exact words] and I felt curious – can you say more about that?”

  110. Michael Gilbert

    My biggest struggle is asking family and friends for feedback because their view of me does not support me being happy. My dreams include marketing my book to 1 million in sales speaking in coaching on my new book creating a telemark skiing & snowboard company creating a real estate company and more where my family feels that I’m successful if I carry golf bags for customers at a golf course My view of failure is their view of success So I feel alone and trying to for fulfill my dreams.

    Also I like the research Marie did on non violence and would like to ask what is one to three of the most common traits among the worlds most non-violent communities?

  111. It’s about time someone like Lewis Howes spoke up! I remember having a discussion with my husband years ago. “So,” I said in frustration, “Masculine = Anger? How can an entire gender be defined or identified by an emotion? And if all you guys stopped being angry, you would cease to be male? If you all stopped arguing, would you be rendered completely silent? What would you even talk about if you gave up constant complaining?” My husband was silent and we both had NO idea what the answer to the questions were. But it was such an intriguing idea, that gender was NOT defined by attitude or emotion. Nor could emotions rightfully claim a gender. That’s just absurd because every human being possesses the same ability for range of emotion. My husband did not take an active role raising our children. So it was up to me to raise our daughter and five sons to be hard-working, strong people. I remember praying every single day, asking God how to help me raise men, since I was a woman. The kids are all grown now, but I want to get five copies of Howe’s book to give them for Christmas because I know they struggle with these issues. Maybe our daughter would benefit as well. Thank you so very much for airing this interview. It was amazing! Please pass my utmost respect on to Lewis Howes too.

    • Love this, Julia. That’s what a good woman does. Asks of a man to be a better one by questioning what it is he thinks he is as a man. As a good woman, we also have to ask of ourselves what does it take to love a man as he is, and still not accept what makes him into something he is not. Anger doesn’t define him any more than being a man does. We are not our gender. We are our soul.

  112. KG

    Interesting topic, so much is up for review. It’s refreshing to revisit the old roles and paradigms and, just perhaps, transcend them. Now how about a book exploring, ‘What Our Culture Gets Wrong About Femininity?’ Thanks Marie!!

    • I don’t have a whole book about that, but I do have an essay in my recently published book, “a man wearing a dress.” In the essay, I challenge the old stereotypes that left women assigned to “pink collar” jobs or homemaker and suggest new ways to imagine femininity in a new more positive image, sensitive and caring and yet also powerful and wise. I invite men to explore their feminine side without fear, as I have increasingly done over the past decade.

  113. Michael

    One of my questions from this video is, what is the new masculinity? This video talks about the old beliefs in masculine, yet still leaves me looking for the new real mascilinity.

  114. This is a great interview. I love Lewis …. he is awesome and genuine.

  115. This is so beautiful and perfect ❤️ Thank you Marie for this engaging interview 🙂 Thank you Lewis for literally being the man I dreamed of – a man who has been through this trauma too and can break that silence and stigma for men! I have so much compassion and it tears me apart seeing the men in my life wearing these masks. When I try to plant seeds about masculinity being vulnerability they say “you’re a woman” and think I don’t get it. Though they know they can talk to me about anything and I am grateful to be able to be there for them. I’m glad if I am doing everything I can by being myself. I see it in our culture (same sort of thing in Aus!) e.g. A man getting called a pussy if he cries. They have advertisements now trying to raise awareness about how we treat boys being a huge influence on how they’ll grow up and treat others. Every bit counts. You are a strong, amazing man for sharing your story and teaching your wisdom.

  116. Fannie Postman

    As a parent, female, raised by a single mentally unstable young person, sexually & physically abused, I see the masks I wore, wear, my brother wears, his own rage, his sexual abuse,
    the masks of my spouse, one of my sons & now 3 year old grandson, the programming, “don’t cry,” suck it up, don’t look weak, vulnerable”. Lewis is brave, really being authentic and freeing himself and other men. I’ve shared with these sons with sons. When I’m authentic, share, I’m empowered and empower others to keep telling their truths.

  117. jeannot nelson

    did he get his flight and what did he say to get the gate opened if he managed to solicit tsa co-operation

  118. Hello.

    What gve me most was sothing about how I recognized myself when you guys talked about relationships, and about anger.

    I could recognize myself a lot in the end, being triggered and not know how to express myself, and also with others, men I’ve been involved with or just see.

    I am transgender so I have moved about in the different gender roles a bit. I also got hooked up on the competition.

    It is very important to talk about this, I have two sons and I want them to grow up emotionally happy. I love them <3

    • Erika Chotai

      something, I somehow lost “me” 😀

  119. Tumultuous events around the world are showing us that men are asking for help. Whether man or woman, humanity needs the energies of masculine AND feminine to be balanced within each us. There can be no ‘masculine’ without ‘feminine’; no ‘feminine’ without ‘masculine’ – we owe it to each other to recognise this truth and work together for it.

    Women hold the world in the palm of their hands – step up for the men so that we can both honour humanity.

    • Hailey - Team Forleo

      Beautifully said, Izabella. We agree that the world needs this message now more than ever. We hope this conversation continues to spark some new ideas for you as we work together toward a more peaceful, cohesive community. Thanks for adding your voice to this discussion!

  120. Megan Nashville

    Listening to this inspiring conversation led me to ruminate on the role reversal in my life and marriage along with address the masculine tendencies I tend to convey. I grew up with a father who is mentally (and occasionally physically) abusive to my mother. In witnessing this, it ingrained in me that I was never going to let a man treat me the same way. However, it caused what I see as a role reversal. It’s made me the aggressive one who swears like a sailor and punches out windows (yea, THAT happened.) I’m nowhere near how my dad is BUT this has been front and center for me lately. Sometimes, I go as far to make reverse sexist comments to my partner. I really want to work on it because he doesn’t deserve it. I don’t want to ruin a good man who already IS okay with being sensitive and emotional simply because I can’t just stop, breathe, and just shut my mouth for minute before I’m ready to communicate appropriately. My hubs is the least likely person to mean anything as an attack on my very being and it’s truly time to work on not seeing things that way.

  121. Lori

    I am so glad I had the opportunity to listen to this very important message. My husband and I have recently accepted the opportunity to raise our 4 grandsons. I had also raised two boys, now in their 30’s and remember what it was like for them to push emotions aside based on what society expected a boy to do…I wish I had listened to this back then…I will certainly remember this video!

    • Hailey - Team Forleo

      Wow, Lori, thanks so much for sharing. You’re already setting a beautiful example for your grandsons to look up to (what a gift!) and it’s wonderful that you’re so committed to sharing these values with the men in your world. Thanks for being a part of our community!

  122. This is an amazing interview. Thank you Marie, and thank you Lewis. THIS is the stuff we need to be talking about in the bigger context of violence.
    It was also such a useful discussion in terms of how we as women can help our men, and how we more finely balance the masculine and feminine within each of us.
    Just one question – I was interested in Lewis’ comment about kids growing up on farms. I did, and I know lots and lots of other kids that did. What I can tell you is that the mask of masculinity is as prevalent there as anywhere else.
    And… I grew up right near a Hutterite colony. This interview made me realize that I never knew enough about them. Can you point me to the study you mentioned Marie?
    Thanks both for your amazing work.

  123. Venetka Marinova

    I love the story about the fly. He was able to knock on the human mind and concur, and break down the old pattern/habit, coming from the so called from many “monkey/animal brain”, which is in control of our emotions and automatic responses.
    This is a skill that need to be practiced every single day until it become a habit, and serve us just as the “monkey brain”, helping us breath, see, touch automatically, without thinking about it.

    Right now I am in Star Bucks Coffee. I feel the smell, I see the people eating yummy staff…Several time I attempted to get my purse and buy something. I know that I shouldn’t for several reasons, so important to me. But I keep thinking about it.
    Now, after I watched this episode, I know that I will not do it, because this is one of those old habits I am working on to replace it with a new habit, to not let my animal brain to dictate weather,what, and when to eat. I will stick to what is helping me to get closer to my main goals and will stop any other attempts to act and do things, which are getting me away from my main goals, as Lewis stated, “Work on being a little bit better every day”.

    As always, Thank you Marie for the great posts!

    • Jillian - Team Forleo


      We’re so glad you enjoyed this episode, and that Lewis’s experience in the airport helped to shed a new perspective on a real life situation that you’ve also experienced. The monkey mind is powerful, and it does take some very diligent effort to tame it, so we’re cheering you on as you keep practicing. You’re doing great!

  124. Wow! Thank you! Marie, Thank you for listening to a man willing to open and share his heart. I think we need to support our men and allow them the space to be open with their emotions.
    Lewis, thank you for your willingness to do your work and to share your story! This is a powerful and poignant story.
    I have felt that women get so “Feminism” focused trying to assert our own power that we attack our men in the process. I think there is so much power in the way of speaking to each other and the power of listening that will really change the world.
    I’ve seen women, attack a man when he says things are hard for him too. I wish women would get curious rather than defensive.
    I was abused verbally and emotionally for 10 years because I believed I deserved that abuse. I believed needed to achieve and change to be loved. In that relationship I could never “get it right.” 5 years ago I decided to follow my joy, and I realized “I’m done” fighting. In that relationship I was SO violent to him as well. I attacked him with my words too. It was not one sided. I was abused but I am not a victim. I participated and I stayed for a long time.
    When I choose to stop fighting an I have found my own power is really found within.

    • Jillian - Team Forleo

      Lindsey, thank you for sharing your heart and your story with us here. We know it’s not easy to be this vulnerable, and we appreciate how much thought you’ve put into your own journey as you move forward and embrace your inner power.

      You’re right; having honest and reflective conversations, and taking more time to listen to each other is what the world desperately needs right now. We’re glad you’ve been able to do that for yourself, and we’re wishing you all the best as you take some bold steps forward.

  125. Marie, I was engaged every second watching this. I’d planned to go dancing with my boyfriend tonight (5 rhythms!) but found the combination of my laziness and the pull of learning from what Lewis was saying means that that I’m still sitting here on my chair, enjoying the soft light of inspiration this interview gave me. I hope to be able to carry some of your generosity Lewis forwards, so that I can better some relations with a couple men in my life who I struggle to connect with. Buddha said understanding is love, so thank you for helping grow my understanding – to both Marie and Lewis. Laura.

    • Jillian - Team Forleo

      Laura, we’re so glad to hear that this episode struck such a deep chord with you. Your willingness to understand the men in your life better is beautiful, and we hope that soft light of inspiration stays lit for a good long time. Also, have fun the next time you go dancing!

  126. Victor

    Post-modernists ‘culture war on males is disgusting. The affluent and successful society we have nowadays, where you flip the switch and the power comes on, we have heating and indoor plumbing, and we have a relatively peaceful time is in great part due the “toxic masculinity” people are quick to demonize today.

  127. Danielle Perron

    Great interview! What really resonated was the last piece about missing the flight and basically how the universe was testing Lewis. In order for one to truly know if what they think is in alignment with how they’re being, we see it through action.
    I see myself engage in patterns/habits which feed into a previous belief system. It’s like my thoughts have evolved and not it’s my actions that must follow suit. I can think one thing and act in a completely different manner and when I know I’ve truly learned the lesson, my way of being is evolved and I’m not longer triggered by the pattern.
    I will get this book for my brother for Christmas!! 🙂
    Thanks for sharing and for all the great wisdom.

  128. I am the mother of two sweet boys. One who has some challenges, not disabilities, but challenges in experiencing the world differently and embracing that as a gift not a problem. After a rough time the other evening I sat with him and said you feel deeply, and experience emotions on a different level than others, the world needs more of that and someday it will be more clear but today know that you are exactly who you need to be. I realized that I had never said that to him out loud but the peace on his face after he fell asleep said it all. This interview showing up today is a reminder that we need to raise men that know they are valued just for who they are.

  129. Judy

    The.Most.Empowering.Episode.Ever. THANK YOU!!

  130. As adults, we often find ourselves dealing with issues that never resembled, were connected or relevant to our character in childhood or when growing up. In fact, they present the very opposite of what we know we truly are inside, a trait we were born with. It feels like a life wants to teach us how it feels to be without it, to learn why is that trait important in human lives, what is its role, … in order to pass on that knowledge or message to others. As if our purpose is defined by the act of bringing exactly that message out to the world and helping others on that issues. For years I was questioning myself why do I have to go through all those stupid, painful challenges, that are even not a reflection of who I am anyway. What is the purpose of making a problem out of something that originally already was fine and I felt grateful for that? I felt like my life is just making me wasting my time, I could accomplish so much more without these unneeded lessons, it prevented me to use my talents. Then at some point, after my life got really pretty messy, I experienced an epiphany and started putting the things together. At the end, all it was left was a message to bring out. I find this type of story common to many people. More and more messages are coming out… and that’s good. Congrats to Lewis for the courage to share his message.

  131. Adam K

    Bless you Lewis and Maire and Forleo team!,
    Actually, This is very important!
    Based on the approach from Happy Science (Not associated with Scientology)…
    The fourfold path is almost explained in this video!
    Love – Wisdom – Self Reflection – Progress
    All of this teachings is in a small book called Dharma of the right mind – directly written by the Buddha. Its by far this post extensive short book!
    Please learn the full truths, Lewis!

  132. The most important story is the one you believe.

  133. My big reminder: take a moment to regroup, breathe, and find a way to communicate in a loving way when you are triggered.

    • Jillian - Team Forleo

      Raquel, this is a beautiful take-away. It might even belong on a note in your phone or wallet so you can be reminded whenever you need to take a breath. Thank you for sharing.

  134. Meg

    This is awesome- Lewis gives such a rare and accurate insight into men’s minds! Thanks for the new perspective

  135. Jen Wike Huger

    I was really struck by this conversation / episode and first applaud you loudly for having a man on and showing us this side of men / the masculine so we can better understand and love and share… and heal! Wow. I shared this with all the men in my family.

    • Jillian - Team Forleo

      Jen, we’re thrilled that this episode prompted you to start some deep conversations with the men in your family. Thank you for sharing Lewis’s words with them, and we’re applauding YOUR efforts to love and understand the men in your world even more.

  136. Evelyne Peters

    “You are not born a man, you become a man” is so true, just as true as “one is not born a woman but becomes one” by Simone de Beauvoir. Let us just keep this in mind : we are born and then we shall bewome whomever we wish, no stereotype of what societyt expects from us.

  137. susan marie chapman

    This man is amazing. He is brave and he is sincere and he has reached into the abyss of his soul and laid it out for all to see. This was done to help others but in the end, he found peace within himself. I was very moved by this man’s story. And yes, I am a woman but I can relate to his story very much. He is a Hero.

  138. Chary Odere

    Many men are like that out there, especially those raised by toxic parents. sharing your story gives you absolute freedom.

  139. Truth Paradise

    You are truly amazing, so alive and so inspiring. I loved your sharing about your writing process. Im a writer Being Human in a World of Illusion was my first book and What it is to be Human is the one I’m working on now because I think we need reminders to realize that we are all perfect the way we are and as you say we all have a very special gift for the world. You are a very special gift in my world and I so appreciate you.

  140. Kalil

    Hum, I almost didn’t watch this one. I’ve seem other interviews with Lewis and the striving, achievement focus was raw. This interview was a breath of fresh air. Every human has emotions and it is a problem in our society that we discount them or pretend they don’t exist. As Lewis said, on the outside things look great, inside there is a raging fire. Thank you, Lewis, for stepping out and up to be an example of another way. Everyone is able to change.

    • Jillian - Team Forleo

      Kalil, we’re so glad you gave this episode a watch, and we love reading your take-away here. We absolutely agree that people can change, and the more we give our fellow humans permission to feel, express emotions, and be honest, the more we foster that change for others. Thanks for sharing!

  141. I hope men will listen to Lewis. In my years of working with men, I find they are only open to growth when they are heading for a life crisis: divorce, bankruptcy, jail, etc. It’s the ‘tough guy’ conditioning that Lewis spoke about in this excellent interview.

    Big ships turn slowly… I hope this is a wake up call. If it saves even one piece of drywall from catching a frustrated fist his work will have been worth the effort.

  142. Thats amazing! If youre looking to ways in which you can Kill Every Day a& Own Your Fuckin’ Life, is your way to go! They give you all the tools you need to take control of your life!

  143. Andrea

    I love the part about the daily aligning of ourselves with our desires and basically premeditated responses to avoid saying /doing things re-actively to daily obstacles.
    I have to literally practice patience, compassion, and understanding responses to the triggers I know will set off my sarcastic/aggressive side everyday, (by myself or with my therapist lol!). I find that over time it becomes less and less contrived, natural and true to who I want to be in this life. It can be like learning a foreign language. At first you just practice and repeat what you hear, until one day you realize you actually know the language.

  144. Tara Daves

    I’m female and I relate to certain aspects of Lewis’ experiences more than I do to women’s stories. Particularly, the drive to achieve and “be right” due to the mistaken belief that people would accept me and love me if I “earned” it. It’s taken decades of hard, personal work and much therapy to see that all it does is drive people away (thanks, Dad).

    Thank you for this interview.

    • Jillian - Team Forleo

      Tara, we’re so glad that Lewis’s words hit home for you in a real way. Everyone, whether they identify as male or female, has both of these energies residing within them, and finding someone who’s story you identify with is so important.

      It sounds like you’re discovering just how much value you intrinsically have, regardless of what you achieve, that you’ve already earned love and acceptance simply by being here. Thank you for sharing and being a part of our world <3

  145. Hi Marie & Lewis, thanks so much for sharing this. Lewis, very brave of you to acknowledge and I like the “work on being a little bit better every single day”… works for females, too 🙂 Same with the masks – we wear them, too, and we also find it hard to take our mask off when we finally get “accepted”. What I’m not too sure about is when Lewis says that when you understand why the men in our life act the way they do, it gives us (i.e. women) more freedom and power… my personal experience has shown that some men are very good at coming up with excuses for acting the way they do (particularly when they act badly – verbal or physical aggression) – I’m sorry to say that in my case, my understanding has now come to 0… tired of lame excuses and too tired to try and make my way to my man’s heart..!

  146. Joy

    Paraphrased: Becoming aware of why the man in your life is behaving the way he is, not as a justification, just purely for awareness… —- this was the statement that resonated with me the most. As a woman who comes from a background of childhood abuse, the process of understanding my emotions, behaviors and reactions has helped me to become a better, more loving person and I can only imagine how this awareness, applied to the former men in my life (especially with my ex husband), could have had on my relationships with them. Thankfully, I am entering into a new relationship that holds great promise and now I have this powerful awareness to help me navigate it and any interaction with all men, be it personal or professional. I understand now, that in its highest form, this awareness is about the true meaning of grace. Thank you Marie and Lewis for an excellent conversation and Happy Holidays!

  147. Candy Ramirez

    The final part of this episode really spoke to me about preparing for the things that can go wrong and taking things one day at a time. I’m a sexual abuse survivor and for years to hide this reality, I put on an unhealthy amount of weight. I binged and then felt horrible about myself and built a physical protective barrier which only made me feel worse about myself. This year I decided I couldn’t continue in this pattern and by practicing self love I dieted and got back to my healthy goal weight. This last week has been incredibly challenging in that I’ve had two days with triggers about my sexual abuse and I went back to my pattern of binge eating. It’s nice to see that we all struggle with our patterns, as Marie was saying, we’ve had them for years. I trust that I will continue living a healthy life and that my body will help me in this healthy journey one day at a time. Thank you for this!!!

  148. I loved this interview with Lewis. I gave his book to my troubled nephew for Christmas, and hope he comes away from it with some insight into why he behaves and reacts the ways he does. Thank you!! I personally felt that this may help in my relationship with my boyfriend, as the awareness and understanding is key to communication. I am learning about my triggers, too, and learning to keep my mouth shut instead of going off.

  149. Brian

    This notion of equating masculinity with violence is a great disservice to everyone, men and women alike. True masculinity is not now nor has it ever has been about violence and aggression. It is about strength, honor, courage, valor, respect, good work ethic, family, compassion, kindness, courtesy, holding to one’s principles and many other very worthwhile traits. Being masculine, being a real man, is also very well summed up in Paul Harvey’s short speech, “God made a farmer” which you can listen to here,
    To give anyone the impression that being a ‘man’ or being masculine is somehow a bad or undesirable thing is again, a disservice, as good men are a much needed thing in the family and in society.

    • Thank you for sharing this. Many men struggle to understand what masculinity is.

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