I’m writing you from 30,000+ feet en route to Los Angeles for Richard Branson’s Rock The Kasbah event.
I’m thrilled to see one of my favorite artists, Mary J. Blige, perform and get this. . . a live Pussycat Dolls Burlesque show is on the agenda too!
One of the things I love about watching live performances is that it reminds me of how important it is to follow your dreams, despite your fear about what others will think.
Because when you forge your own path and step outside of the “norm” so to speak, you will be judged by others. And often, that judgment can be harsh.
In fact, the more unconventional you are, the more you can expect to have that “nobody gets me” feeling and all the fear and anxiety that comes along with it.
Especially in the beginning stages, when your family and friends may not even understand what you’re trying to do, it’s crucial to get this fear under control.
If you’ve ever felt like nobody gets you, your business, or what you’re trying to create in the world, then watch this video.
I’ll share the big mistake I made when I first started out, along with some concrete steps to manage your fear of being judged by others, so you can keep on truckin’.
In the comments below, tell me two things:
1. What specific insight from this video helped you most, and why?
2. How do you overcome the fear of being judged by others? What do you do to manage the fear and anxiety that comes along with going against the grain? Tell me your best tip.
In my experience, the fear of being judged harshly by others can be creatively and spiritually debilitating, but only if you let it.
So a huge thank you in advance for sharing your best stuff.
xoxox
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I was talking to my friend Michelle and telling her that I was a life coach–you know, so like, I help people? You know, who like, maybe want to leave their husband? Or lose weight?
It was bad! When I got over the fear of being a flakeazoid, I started getting awesome responses to telling people I’m a coach. People take my cue and believe what I believe about what it means to be a life coach. Few were surprised (I’ve been coaching in some capacity for years). Many said they needed a coach or knew someone who needed one. Even more people think it’s awesome.
Because it is. Boom.
Yes. Yes it is!
Agreed, totally awesome!
So much wise stuff here Marie as usual
Something I’m very mindful now is what I call the ‘justification trap’. On the outside it looks like we’re trying to explain to others what we do but actually it’s almost like we’re trying to justify it to ourselves. Once we’ve found peace with what we’re doing and are cool with it, everything changes. As with all things it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it, and if there’s confidence and conviction is there it will transform people’s reaction to you. But really, it doesn’t matter- all that matters is that passion and desire you have in your heart- stuff what the others say! X
Talking of criticism, what about when it’s not fear of possible criticism, but when you actually RECEIVE an unsolicited full and frank appraisal of one’s life and one’s worth! Google my name or that of my father, Nick Crews, and you’ll find out what happens when a father lets rip on his children for their apparent failures in life!
Wow, that was a searing letter my father wrote to me, and to my brother and sister. Even more so was the judgments I received from the general public. I HEAR YOU!!!!
Happily, I was already on the road to turning things around when I received the email. I translated Daniel Allemann’s book. Please have a look at this site and tell me what you think.
Regards
Emily Crews-Montès
This was hard for me a few months ago too. What really helped with my family judging my business was telling them about it. Explaining why and what it could entail later on if I was successful, really seemed to help. Showing examples of people and businesses in my industry who were successful helped as well – people are sceptical because they don’t know anyone with success in what you do. Also involving your family in your work (if possible) – get them to read your blogposts, talk with you about your ideas and telling them your future plans (that e-book you’ve been wanting to write or courses you are setting up).
As for the fear of being judged, most of my acquaintances and friends think it is awesome I started my own business so young. I have gotten such an amazing response from my friends, that I just remember those responses, and it doesn’t seem like something to be scared of. Remember the positive responses when you tell people, be proud of your business and brand – it is insanely awesome that you had the courage to start your own business!
hey Carina!
I love your comment because those are great tips on how to deal with your family and are definitely worth a try. I’d like to add that unfortunately it doesn’t always work despite our best efforts and sometimes you may have to distance yourself from them if they continually judge/disapprove of what you do.
In a perfect world our families would be totally into what we’re doing and excited about it and our biggest cheerleaders, but I’d just like to point out that when that just isn’t going to happen, that’s when a whole lot of self love and self care on our parts as entrepreneurs/solopreneurs/multipreneurs is crucial.
And that’s why the “power posse” that Marie mentions is critical. When we’re surrounded by like-minded people it totally takes our game to a whole different level. So thanks Marie and thanks, Carina! And thanks all you other ladies who have commented – I totally love this community of women!
Good point Ali! My parents were quite opposed to the thought of me starting my own company. However, after a month and after getting work, they seemed to understand I wouldn’t be stopping my new venture anytime soon. I’m very thankful that they started supporting me instead, since it was really hard the months before that where they weren’t fully supporting my idea. The best thing I could do was draw support from other places instead and visualise my goals happening.
“BE Happy” is my biggest take away. I mean, you’re right. If I called my parents daily, seemed to be happy, weren’t asking them for money — they would stop worrying about me. Part of being happy means taking to heart you first point, stop judging yourself. Even though I am following my dreams, there’s a bit of judging going on. “Will I have enough money for XYZ??” comes up a lot.
When I am getting afraid of what my parents think, I be sure to hold on to the core value that my actions are based on. So… yah, I had to spend some time figuring out what that WAS, but after I figured out what core value I am living, judgements cannot hurt me. Because if you really do believe in that ideal, then pursuing it against odds will be much easier. I had a big tiff with my parents about a video on meditation I posted 2 weeks ago. I stuck to my guns because I believed it with all my heart. What else can they do?
Oops, forgot to ask my question!
What do you do when you’re having significant trouble finding the right power posse for you? Just because I hang out with other dancers doesn’t mean they share my ideals and understand the business I am creating around dance.
Where can I find other young entrepreneurs around me who believe in the power of intuition or following their dreams?
Doka,
I call my power posse my “F.I.R.E.” team because it’s a group of my
Fabulous Friends who are
Inspiring
Reliable and
Eager to see me succeed
I find other entrepreneurs by hanging out where they hang out online. So for example, I signed up for Marie’s RHH B-school and have met a super cool group of like-minded entrepreneurs. I also connect with people on the Entrepreneur blog and other Facebook pages that speak to entrepreneurs. Not only do you get to meet cool peeps, but they all get your main goal.
Be blessed,
Rachel Luna
FIRE team! I love it!
OMG, yes…. F.I.R.E. team is EXACTLY what I am looking for. I am getting better at finding these people online. I’ve got a new online buddy and we’re keeping each other accountable (granted, he is a boy, but that’s fine by me). I just wish I could meet these people in REAL LIFE, you know? But I am going to start paying more attention to the comment section of blogs I read to meet other people my age who are looking for more online buddies.
DOKA – a soul purpose coach told me about “savor the success”. it’s a networking group that empowers women enteprenuers and they have meetups. if you check them online you can look for a chapter in your area. hope that helps!
But sometimes you are alone and just have to forge ahead thats the truth .
Doka, thanks for asking this question (and thanks Rachel for the F.I.R.E. tip)! I’ve been wondering this exact same thing lately. I am positive, resourceful and successful, and realized recently that I need more of the same around.
Mhm! I think as I build a network online (using all this great advice), I need to let people know I am in DALLAS, TX. I live in a big city… surely someone can connect! Good luck to us!
One more thing (it is LATE, I’m sorry for flooding the comments)
WHERE DO YOU BUY YOUR ClOTHES?
hi Doka!
Marie’s top is from Zara and her pants are from gap
Ooooo, I love it! She looks fabulous!
I’m happy to say I’m not afraid of the judgement of others. I guess I got over that in high school
Can’t say I have anyone entrpreneurs to hang with IRL, but that’s because I live in the countryside.
Thanks Marie. All good advice & something some of us have to hear regularly, especially if our business offends people. While I have the most ultruistic intentions (since my brother committed suicide years ago woke me up to what’s really important), some people still don’t like my alter ego of http://www.yourmoneymistress.com
And as you asked for our tips here are mine:
1. Other people’s oinions are none of our business
2. Think BIG! When I get upset because someone hasn’t responded the way I’d like I realise in the BIG scheme of world poverty and peace that it’s a small thing.
3. Adopt Abraham Lincoln’s saying of “I do not like that man. I must get to know him better.”
Lastly, if you’re being true to what you firmly believe is your purpose this time round, you can’t go wrong. & yes, my name means the “happy & joyful born again carpenter” so I figured I’m meant to be crucified for my beliefs anyway
Love your work – thank YOU!!
Larissa (from Down Under – Australia)
Hi guys,
Having posted near midnight (here), as I head off to bed I realise others aren’t putting links to their online personas – have I breached an unknown protocol? Apologies if I have but I’d like to see the person behind some of these comments (some sound REALLY interesting).
Larissa, I love you’re Lincoln quote. Hadn’t heard it before but I think it has an excellent take away. So often the reason we don’t like someone is that on first impression they hit some comfort/self judgment buttons. Getting to know them better can help us see ourselves and others differently.
As to online persona, every name that shows up pink is a link to that person’s web site. Click them and you’ll meet a lot of interesting people. Happy Exploring.
Or your Lincoln quote. Clearly I need more morning coffee. A detail person I ain’t.
Thanks for the tip about names in pink linking to websites! I am relatively new to the Marie Forleo way
and although I excitedly await the Q&A video every Teusday I havent had the courage to post a reply until todays chance of an ice-breaker.
Thanks loads, I’m off to check out everyones profiles now…
Jane
Our photos will link to our websites if we’ve got ‘em!
Well, learn something new everyday. I didn’t know that. ;D Cool beans, as they say.
Glad I startde that conersation now. Felt silly at first but there you go. As a trainer I say there’s no such thing as a silly question. Yes I know the smart response is “just silly people”. So.. thanks for admitting things you didn’t know either guys. xx
Hi Doka and Linda,
I live in the country too Linda! I’ve actually found and connected with more like-minded-entrepreneurs via Marie + Lara Roeder’s B-school group this year than ever before. I’m also taking another course online, and the community is awesome.
A lot of training courses have private Facebook groups these days and truly, those connections, the love and support of other women in particular, is worth the investment (+ of course the value and content of Marie + Laura’s stuff is AMAZING).
So even though I live in the country, this week I’ve had mastermind calls with new friends, skype calls with women I haven’t even met but who needed help with some techie aspects of their biz and made new connections. Those new friends have helped me enormously through their encouragement to put myself out there and eased my concerns about being judged.
First there was no community, then BOOM, there were more awesome ladies than you could fit into a tea-shop.
Man, sounds like I need to save up some money for Bschool next year!
You’re so right. And in working on how I judge myself I am empowered. Thanks!
Yes yes yes, Marie! A power posse is absolutely critical. I have grown and transformed exponentially in the last six years because I have a solid crew of fellow priestesses whose wisdom and judgment I can always count on.
And, when all else fails, I listen to the little voice inside that says, “Just
brazen it out, mama!”. She s been taking me through adventures with style and poise since I was 15.
Hey,
I am a final year student Attorney, next year I will be the real thing. I love what i do but it seems as if i am always messing up things………i love advocacy i thought it is the one thing i would be great at but last week at a presentation one of the judges tore apart my presentation and other students who i felt were were so mundane in their presentations she praised so highly, my style is so different but no one seems to approve, i feel like a failure!!!!!!!!!!!!
There are a few different issues going on for you…if I may respond.
First, you are allowing yourself to feel a failure for one judgment on your presentation. Now maybe your presentation and communication skills can be made better (after all you are a Student, and you should always look for opportunities to learn and grow. We ALL should as students of life.), and you should really assess the feedback and the source of it and then take what is good. BUT sometimes a judge/prof/teacher/whoever is wrong or their feedback is not significant. So you have to figure out what to gain from the experience – while NOT feeling a failure about it. Feeling like a failure from someone else’s judgment, will set you up to actually fail…meaning you will lose all confidence and passion and leave the profession or seek to follow another part of it. ALL because of someone else’ onetime judgment of you. Don’t let that happen. Post notes/affirmations on your mirror or screen if you have to, but learn the practice of daily valuing and appreciating the good qualities you bring to your world. Your confidence will be a very attractive and attracting quality!
You shouldn’t feel like a failure because you are in SCHOOL. School rarely reflects the real-world. Take this as a learning experience. If you can, DEFINITELY talk to your professor and get inside her brain. What makes her tick and why is she attracted to the presentations she likes? Find out if the way her mind works is the way your target audience’s mind works. If they don’t match, then you definitely have nothing to worry about. Now you know how to speak to someone totally different.
hey there! the other way to phrase this whole question is to judge yourself the way you want others to judge you – like, “I’m so beautiful. I do such a great job in my business. I am awesome!” It’s totally not natural for most of us but why not? If we see/judge ourselves in a positive light, we could really rock it.
Hi Marie!
The thought that helps me is “Don’t try to please everyone”. There will always be someone that is looking for something totally different from what you offer and they won’t appreciate what you do. No problem, the world is more fun the more variety there is! I focuss in my market, I pay attention to feedback and learn from it and I’m always trying to make things better, but I don’t let people’s opinions to affect me emocionally.
Thank you for another great post!
I SO agree about attracting that question when you feel insecure about your biz. Coming from corporate land, I used to feel like I had to justify what I did, but now I embrace it! When I hang with my RHH ladies, I am out and proud – and we can talk Squeeze Pages ’til the cows come home
Thanks for all your guidance, Marie xxx
I’m totally on the same page as Victoria here. I feel like this year I got super clear about how to talk about what I do, and now it’s no sweat whenever someone asks me what I do. Before that I used to hem and haw and try to avoid it because it was so hard to explain.
My new test is being able to explain what I do to customs officers when I cross the border. If they can understand it, then it’s going to be pretty clear to anyone else I come across.
HA! Great testing method… Custom Officers!
Don’t be afraid to be honest about what you do. It can lead to really powerful connections with people. (Yes this is a lesson I am still learning ;p). How do you know your justifications and excuses for what you do aren’t offensive to the person you are talking with (ie potential ideal client)?
So as usual, your video hits me right in the arse. I’m in the process of rebranding and my new blog title is a little unconventional – so it’s been hard when I talk to more conservative business people and they ask “but what’s the name of your BUSINESS?” and I’m….going to be going without one. Yeah. People are just hiring ME and not a bogus company I own, since it’s always just ME anyway. I know this is a little off topic from the point of your vid which is more about industry or job title – but I have more issues with the future name of my blog than I do my title. It’s been freaking me out but from now on, the “be happy” is going to help me forge ahead with confidence!
I totally agree that if you are insecure about what you do you will attract people -especially friends and family!- to challenge you. Ultimately those challengers are here to help you get clear on your mission and how you go about presenting it to the world.
The last business I officially started, even though I had been doing it for 11 years, was to get it out into the world that I do intuitive Tarot readings & coaching. When people ask me about it, I explain with confidence what I do because I know that I’m good
but also because I want to present something “woo-woo” in a modern and comprehensive way.
Bottom line; the more confident you are about yourself and what you do, the less challengers will be coming your way to test you.
1. What specific insight from this video helped you most, and why?
“Check Yourself before You Wreck Yourself” … specifically the notion that we invite others to judge us based on how we judge ourselves.
While not directly related, I had someone recently tell me a truth they felt about me that was surprising but didn’t hurt. It was shocking and bold, but for whatever reason I felt it was untrue. I tend to … ask for specific details… when I’m not sure what it is people have to say about me … because then the clarity of those details can give me an insight to that perspective. She didn’t say anything specific, so I dismissed it emotionally and told her that if and when she sees it, feel free to hit me about it.
Another friend – this one much closer to me – ended up echoing her sentiments. I asked why nobody said anything and learned the “defensive” and “dismissive” is strongly aligned with my reactions.
IMO defensive = “immediate refusal to listen, even with clear explanation”
dismissive = “I don’t want to hear you”
When I don’t agree and explain why, and push back… sometimes a little, it’s seen as defensive. I didn’t realize it, but 5’4″ I’m the smallest of my siblings, but the one with the strongest personality. I’m a sexy sweet firecracker – in other words you will only go so far with pushing my boundaries after a minute… and while these ladies never did that – at least not intentionally – in general I guess the strength can be seen as overbearing or …”aggressive” especially if I’m defending my stance.
(I’m also a New Yorker, something that I guess also furthers the in your point appearance I have)
So… it almost made a confrontation bigger than it needed to be with one person, because she didn’t seem to understand my reactions aren’t immediately rejecting her thoughts, but compartmentalizing the issue and moving forward, and if I end something because I don’t agree, “it is what it is” because I value the friendship more than the “back and forth”… later on that day, another sister of ours came in and said the points she felt were important on behalf of both of us… and gave me the message in a more digestible way… and this allowed me to “get” that at least someone “understood” where I was coming from or the place I was acting from, while showing me in clear terms… how and why it didn’t look like I had thought it looked.
2. How do you overcome the fear of being judged by others? What do you do to manage the fear and anxiety that comes along with going against the grain? Tell me your best tip.
In the end we all basically have made peace and moved on. I learned a long time ago that it’s powerful when you recognize the importance of letting judgement be a place where you begin to understand and polish yourself … instead of running for the hills. I know it looks like I’m running, but I actually ruminate deeply on things people say about me… and if there’s a strong disconnect and lack of agreement, then I really permanently dismiss it for the situation.
“In my experience, the fear of being judged harshly by others can be creatively and spiritually debilitating, but only if you let it.” – quote of the day
I have a heart of fire… but I am an Aquarius if it makes sense.
Hi Marie
Your videos were recommended to me by good friends of mine in the Tarot community, Theresa Reed and Donnaleigh de LaRose who I guess count as my power-posse! As a man who left a lifetime IT consultancy career for a spiritually rewarding life as a Tarot teacher, the one thing you said that really hits the mark is the self-judging. Never leave a gap for people to exploit – and neither should you, if you feel inside a total congruence with what you have chosen to do.
I have always “normalised” my own interests and pursuits, whether its Tarot or esoteric spirituality and speak about them exactly as I speak about anything else – as such, I have rarely encountered any judgemental behaviour from others.
In fact, out of all the experiences of my life, nothing compares to my father bursting into tears when my first published book on Tarot arrived with him this year (the first of many, as I picked up a contract) and he found the dedication to him on the first page.
Thanks for all you do for people, it is pretty darned cool, and I’m a cynic!
Marcus
Technically we spend half our time thinking about making other people happier, we just forget about ourselves and what we like. I do this (I have to admit) and I know it is very hard to live without worrying about what other people think. In my school has a girl who has a very own style of dress and every time I look at her I think “she does not care about the opinions of others” and that’s what I Deich embarrassed by it, because most of the times we spent hours in front of the mirror trying to find people’s approval when we go out on the street and this is wrong. She is a typical example of how we should act and put people’s minds in the trash (even if negative) and live as we want.
These videos always show us the other side of the problem or issue to discuss and that’s what I like!
xoxo
Good answer! With my first business, now decades ago, my parents first thought I was un-employed instead of self-employed. I’m not sure when that shifted. Maybe my first national media exposure or being featured in the local Raytown News that got Mom’s friends talking? But I’m certain what you point out here, Marie is part of it! I also like what you’ve shared about having like-minded friends to support the biz you’re in. It’s essential. Most of my friends are entrepreneurs, and therefore not weird at all!
Hi Marie !
A big bravo for all your inspiring videos! Fantastic job
I am a 42yrs old mom of four, had to undergo very tough surgeries in the last two months, which eneabled me to do a h… Of a lot of thinking about my life (past & present)! Anyways, I took a big decision :
Find a part time job, so I can go back to school and then to med school!
This was one of my dreams since a little girl, but my family consistently told me I was useless, and basically too dumb to aim so high… And I believed them…
So, now my spirits are elated and eventhough no one in my family knows, I will go forward in my life, although I would rather prefer to share this with them, I know they would judge me as a total nutcase, and do not need that!
Do you have any advice that could help?
Thank you
Much love & keep up the wonderful work,
Nathalie
I am a shamanic healer (& teacher, writer & broadcaster on shamanism) but I used to work as a Reiki teacher & healer. In the world of energy healing here in the UK, Reiki is pretty mainstream. Sure, I still come across some people who don’t know what it is but anyone with vague interest in yoga or meditation etc will have come across it. I recently gave up teaching Reiki because at my heart I am a shamanic practitioner, not a Reiki person. Thing is, that’s a lot less mainstream. Frankly, it’s seen as a bit weird.
After committing to taking all the Reiki info off my website and announcing I would not be taking any more classes, I got the opportunity to work at a new healing clinic. I did a session there, the clinic loved me & asked for more info to give to their clients. I told them all about the work I do, they thought it sounded amazing. However, they thought the public wouldn’t get it, it’s too weird, too deep, too whatever. Can’t they just say I do Reiki?
I stuck to my guns about putting the shamanic info out there, despite the temptation to just pick up any old clients because I need the money and you know what? I haven’t had one person at that clinic ask for Reiki. Every week I pick up a new client and they always come for shamanic healing. They read my information & my story, from that they assume just what you said Marie, that this stuff might be unusual but it is clearly working for me. So they are prepared to take the plunge and do something a bit different.
Thanks for your great videos, I watch every week, and for putting the positive message out there that it is essential to be proud of who we are and put it out there!
Kay x
Hey Marie, Love your shirt!
Ok, here goes:
1. What specific insight from this video helped you most, and why?
Don’t judge yourself, #2 don’t chase approval & the get a power posse.
When I was judging myself for what I saw as a long, way to curvy path to get where I wanted – it seemed like I was sending out radar for folks to criticize me, remind me that I wasn’t “doing what you want”. Basically I’d tuned into the “punchbag” radio station since I was doing it myself. When I relax and let the self-judgment feeling pass through me (no matter how weird & like being possessed it might feel), oddly folks no longer tuned into my punchbag station, but seemed to accept me and I felt like I was surfing.
#2 goes with what I wrote above since chasing approval is a recipe for disappointment. This one goes hand-in-hand with #1 for me. How to get over it: remember to keep my nose out of other people’s business & in my own. Weird but it works.
#3 – the posse – at the beginning felt lonely since where I was heading was unknown territory, but new people pop up who are great power posse pals – you learn from them & are no longer attached to how things were. Loved ones & family will catch on, and usually end up being curious & excited too. Stephen Pressfield’s The War of Art is a great resource.
2. How do you overcome the fear of being judged by others? What do you do to manage the fear and anxiety that comes along with going against the grain? Tell me your best tip.
I accept that I am going to be shy and that I need to keep concentrated on my own beeswax. Like speaking for TV representing an event & that voice going off hollering who the heck do I think I am, voice caught in throat, etc. It FEELS like a poltergeist possession but when I was able to label it and feel the sensation coming, I knew it’d be over in a few secs or die down. Basically, I just take a deep breath and focus on doing the best I can (my beeswax) + having fun with people while I’m doing it.
Yep, fun can be the best remedy possible – when I’m having fun, I meet more positive-energy folks, am no longer worrying and am in the moment.
Yeah, even in creative industries, there are still constraints and judgmental perspectives flying around. When I started working on my own, I felt like I had to conform to one kind of design work, though I offer print, illustration, murals, graphic design, and web design work. I think for me, to stay on point is to get clear on my pricing, contract, and the kind of services I’m providing. Then the portfolio on my site just fell into place, and easy to navigate and get what I do.
Great advice…I just got that it doesn’t matter what people think of me and wrote this in a note to myself last night!
I get what I do and my customers get what I do, so that’s all that matters.
Thanks!
Yeah this is a juicy one! I loved your point about stopping judging yourself. Simple but profound.
I’ve always felt like a bit of a misfit ever since I started my first business some years ago. Network Marketing, Coaching, Writing from home and Internet Marketing can be very confusing for people to get their head around when they’ve only ever had a job or done traditional things.
My book has just been published in paperback and finally my family get what i do a little better as that seems to give me more credibility in their eyes! Either way I just went ahead and tried not to worry about it too much. When you’re a game changer you’re bound to stand out from the crowd in a good way…
So my advice is do what you love and don’t let ‘dreamstealers’ or anyone else stop you moving forward.
Thanks Marie for your uplifting message.
HAPPY!!! Sums that up pretty well. xo
A couple years ago my Mom kept trying to get me to get a ‘real job’ with benefits. I finally told her off and that I would never fit into a cute ‘normal’ little box and that she was just going to have to deal. I think standing up for myself made me work harder and smarter. In 2011 she became one of my paying clients and it was HER idea because now she really gets what I do. I think all the press, website, and happy clients helped motivate her too!
Great issue Marie!
Great Q&A.
Stop judging yourself! So easy to say. So hard to do. But the number one thing we can do to get out of our own way.
I think one of the things I try to remember is that self judgment is inevitable & can be instructive. Judgment is s neutral word, really, it doesn’t have to mean beating ones self up. For that, I use the term self flagellation. Self flagellation, however, is neither inevitable nor instructive.
How do I tell the difference? When I learn something and feel more powerful at the end it’s using my critical evaluation (judgment) to grow. When I feel smaller, weaker it’s self flagellation and I need to stop.
Using meditation techniques, become aware of the the thought and let it pass, helps me avoid getting stuck in self flagellation mode. Rinse/repeat as often as needed.
Thanks Marie! You are on point with the judging ourselves and looking for approval from others. Everytime I look to others for approval, doubt creeps in and I get off track. I’ve come to realize it doesn’t matter if people get me. As long as I see my vision, those who are supposed to get me and what I am doing will.
Hi everyone!
This was a very good video and it came right on time- it was just this morning that I was thinking how other people’s opinions affect (or don’t affect) me.
Actually, I’m planning a Tarot business. Tarot- as well as metaphysics and psychology in general- is a field that has helped me a lot in matters of getting in touch with my inner voice and come up with solutions to problems and curious situations.
What I realise though, is that just because this has been so helpful to me, it doesn’t mean that other people can really understand it as well. I’ve met very sympathetic people, but I’ve also met skeptical people who think more of Witches’ tales, black cats and weird cauldrons!
The truth is that sometimes, when you come to meet people you estimate, you generally want to share things with them- and your business is something you definitely feel close to, as well as you sense it as a fun-factor of your life.
So it can be really frustrating telling someone about something you trully adore and receiving a clueless/apathetic nod in response!
My biggest default is that I sometimes get angry, because of some people’s “incapability to see somebody else’s point of view without jumping into conclusions, before they even let them finish what they have to say!”
However, I guess that it’s way too much expecting from everybody else to change before we can express ourselves freely.
So, I guess I’ll take a page from Marie’s book and her advice about not being judgemental towards ourselves (and what makes us happy, I’d add).
What calms me down most of the times, is to close my eyes and imagine myself sending a smile to both the other person and myself. This even helps the other person change their minds as well sometimes! Just don’t forget to send equally big smiles to yourself as well, and not to focus too much on the outcome- it’s more like an act of forgiveness and acceptance of the situation as it is. You just decide to go with the flow and smile! You don’t try to force the other person to understand!
Of course people will judge you.
Marie is right on – when we’re judging ourselves other peoples judgements hurt. When we’re not they don’t.
Like Marie says, if you’ve explained it to them and they don’t get it. Move on. You don’t have to convince everyone. Not everyone will get it. You’re not a jerk whisperer. Stop worrying about the haters.
Great post! This very issue is at the heart of why so many of us live SMALL! We let our fear about what others think of us, fueled by our own fear of failure/success/change, direct our path. That path leads to a life of mediocrity. The path to mediocrity is littered with fear and judgment. The path to greatness requires taking big steps going upwards and leaving that kind of baggage behind! Not easy, but worth it!
Hi Marie!
This was huge, huge, huge for me and caused me a lot of heartache in the beginning of my career as a performing songwriter. 2 things got me through this – surrounding myself with a few people who really did understand me – actually better than myself. The second thing was just having a very powerful vision for who I was and where I was going with my creativity – which came from a very wise industry mentor.
These 2 things combined helped keep me centered and moving and plowing through the awkward phase where everything is new. And now the people who didn’t understand me are way back on my side.
I did another thing you said also – just stayed happy and didn’t get too far into details with the ones who didn’t get me. I kept conversations general and upbeat.
My CD release – “Reluctant Rockstar” is November 27!!!
I sculpt teeny tiny, and inedible, food for a living (no, seriously: themousemarket.com), so I TOTALLY understand getting WTF looks when I explain what it is I’m doing with my life, but I agree 100% with what Marie says about putting the brakes on self-judgment first, because doing that has really transformed the responses I get from people. Now, instead of skeptical, confused looks, I get more of the, “Really? That’s so cool, tell me more!” response, which is so much more fun to answer.
And, hands down, the number one thing that has helped me cultivate non-judgment toward myself (and other people) is a regular meditation practice. Seriously, it might sound a little woo-woo to some, but even just committing to ten minutes a day will begin to transform your mental outlook. One of my favorite tips for getting started: Get some sort of timer–they have great meditation apps for smart phones–because if you know you’re only sitting for a set length of time, you can start to let go of that, “OMG, has it been five minutes yet?” and R-E-L-A-X.
Power posse? CHECK! Having weekly calls with my accountability group (aka “The Trinity”) and being a part of the RHH community has been huge for me. It’s so great to have friends who get what you’re doing and are actually cheering you on.
I often run into that awkward feeling when I tell people in conventional corporate jobs what I do, but I have to remind myself that even when I was in a conventional corporate job nobody really understood what I did anyway, so who cares if they do now?!
Thanks Marie for addressing a very common issue I run into!
Marie,
I love how you said people will judge us with how we judge ourselves. It is so true because I know I am so hard on myself.
What I do to overcome fear are a few key things that work for me:
1-Meditation
2-Yoga
3-Music (Listening to it or moving to it, specifically S Factor style.)
4-Writing
5-Running
When I do these things then I let go of my fearful thoughts and allow my body and soul to get connected with who I know I AM.
I also love when Marie is shaking all those hands around her!!!! I totally get it. I am a super multi-tasker and nobody ever knows what I am doing or what I will be doing next. Sometimes I do not even know.
It would be easier to find a 9-5 job and go to the same place and do the same thing and make the same money. But I have chosen to do the things I love to do, every day is different.
Thank you to the community here because it is much better to have a power posse. I’m going to end with a quote:
“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. While some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.” – Apple Inc.
good info. – this was actually good for me on a personal level as well as business/professional level. thanks!
POWER POSSE = great tip! Being a nutritionist who is into raw foods and detox I am very, very used to people thinking I’m weird and too extreme.
I find so much strength in people who value the work I do and the lifestyle that I believe in – both clients and colleagues. Without them I would have given up by now.
I’m slowly getting better at getting over my fear of judgement. It’s been a big deal for me these past three years, but I just keep in mind that if this was easy, everyone would do it. Sometimes we have to risk our feeling of security for great rewards, deep happiness, and fulfillment.
I just want to add one more response, had an aha moment at the gym this morning.. Live your life, if you base your life around your families expectations, you’ll never be happy. Just Ike they wouldn’t want to live up to your expectations either. “check yourself before you wreck yourself.” is the perfect way to say this;-)
Although your dad still doesn’t understand exactly what you do, he was able to witness at RHH live that lots of people are loving what you do!!!!! That was priceless.
LOVED IT!
You have the best swagga sista! 
Hey! GREAT video, Marie!
I totally get how this feels. I graduated with a degree in Economics and watched a lot of my friends secure Wall Street jobs and begin rather comfortable lives right out of college. This option was totally open to me, but I chose to hold out because I had other interests, a passion to write, etc. At first I judged myself really harshly but then I had a realization–
What would I rather put up with? The pain of “being judged,” or the pain of doing something I didn’t want to do? When I envisioned myself taking the “more traveled” route, I felt queasy and like I wasn’t living my best life. The pain of being judged hurt so much less when I looked at the other option – not being true to myself.
Best of luck, and in the words of Jay-Z – haters gonna hate!
This is a great Q & A ! Its amazing how strong the crippling fear of judgment can be sometimes. I am just in the process of starting a new business, and it takes a ton of happy positive thoughts some days to keep my confidence on. Thanks for the great tips Marie!
Great Q&A – lovin it!
We are working like “gangbustas” on our soon to be live on-line business, so this topic totally jives with my situation. I find the more I figure out WHAT exactly our business is evolving to be (can’t wait!), I get excited and that passion then gets passed along to friends/family that are curious on what I am working on.
I am no longer care about what others may think about what I do – I instead take that energy to push ahead on the tasks before me.
Word Marie – love the bling + top girl! Thank you – breaking away from ‘desired approvals’ was super challenging for me but so essential for me to hear for growth… even though it is TOTALLY ‘On The Couch’ 101. Once I no longer went to ‘exterior’ approval or acceptance of my achievements or thoughts I owned my ‘internal’ sole + Soul purpose. Which is Divinely given to only me! I realized that as long as I was rooted authentically to my mission, even if that didn’t gain exterior approval, I would be ok.
I lovingly, fully + internally embrace ALL me.
And that is totally chiggidy checkin’ my Self, NEVER wreckn’ my Self!
Xo
Hey Marie
This is an AWESOME topic and so what I needed to hear right now! The insight i really got from this is the reminder that often when we feel judgement from people it really is just a reflection or magnifcation of that fearful judgemental voice we have within ourselves. I used to worry (and sometimes still do) all the time about not fitting in or being conventional and that no one got me but now I overcome that fear by deciding I don’t give a crap and embracing the random, crazy, unique individual that I am!
And you are SO right about a power posse: this concept has been jumping out at me over and over again in the books and blogs I’m reading and the vlogs I’m watching and it really does make the biggest difference when you know you have a group of people who not only ‘get’ what you do and who you are but get excited with you about your dreams and vision!
LOVE your clothes!!
BE HAPPY! is the BEST advice of all! I know people are confused because I’m walking the beach everyday, living on the coast and enjoying life. They’re afraid to ask or make assumptions (as I’ve found out) because they might find out that they could be doing the same thing if they chose to jump outside of their comfort zone!
I love the F.I.R.E. concept! So important in every area of life! Thanks Rachael, thanks Marie!
Great Q & A! I was just laid off by a female bully (psychobully–fits all the worst descriptions) boss. Funny thing is that I was the best at the job, everyone that I dealt with in the business respected my work ethic and abilities which drive the bully boss and a few incompetent collegues crazy to the point of writing letters filled with lies. I believe integrity matters and in following your A, #1 laid off but #2 who wants to answer to anyone about what or how you do it especially if they have no ethics….and praise poor performance. My power posse all clapped with relief that I never had to be at the receiving end of this bullies lies, anger, etc again!! Now to regroup and go forth in a new venture.
Marie – this was supah-hot stuff! And so timely, you know that works right?
This is an issue I deal with ALL the time. First it started when I was working my corporate job and transitioning to my own media company. The people around me were stuck in “traditional” marketing and strategy and it drove me bananas. They looked at me crazy when I would talk about modernizing their marketing tactics, having an authentic brand, and working with vendors who rolled like that…
What I LOVED about this topic today and your reference to your parents. Many of us fear that rejection from the mama and papa, and I was in the same category. Now, my mom doesn’t bug me. But I realized the reason she was so confused about what I did was that she was worried about me. Now, she doesn’t have to!
How do I overcome the fear of being judged by others? Truth be told, I still care what people think. HOWEVER, The key I learned (what works for me anyway) is followup and keep agreements with myself when it came to my so-called unorthodox business. Then no one could say a damn thing…well, some still did, but I became bulletproof.
I so needed this! When you’re in the sex ed industry this topic is SO spot-on. People hear “sex” and its like “OMG you’re dirty/slutty/etc.” and I get all defensive and try to explain I’m doing more that peddling vibes and then it all goes downhill from there. I crave acceptance from others and love my biz so fiercely that I want to share my knowledge with everyone! Especially those who fear and don’t understand it.
As for number 2, I’m still trying to figure that out…
Finding a power posse of people who are doing what I’m doing and GET it, that’s been the biggest game changer for me. Mastermind as well as meeting ladies at RHH Live… before that, I always felt like an oddball and that I just didn’t fit in. For managing fear when it pops up, saying “I’m back” per Josh or just telling myself, “thanks for sharing” and carrying on anyways has been key.
Great post! xoxo
I found reading Uncertainty by Jonathan Fields very helpful. He deals with the judgement issue and a whole lot more.
Cheers
Rosemary
Thanks Marie! This is brilliant. I especially loved the reminder that we attract what we judge in ourselves from those around us. It’s a gift that they’re showing us our insecurities, so we can see where there’s room for us to grow our confidence. I like to see judgment as a test–like the universe is testing my commitment to my truth. Will I choose to be authentic, or will I conform to the expectations of others? Once I recognize this, the choice is obvious
debby, i love what you say – it is so true! thanks for sharing!
This is good advice in general, but for my family, there are deeper issues involved, and they judge me even though I am happy. In this case, I have three Aunts who want to see their older sister’s daughter (me) as a failure, no matter what. I am happily married and not working outside the home right now, but I ran my own business in Silicon Valley for over ten years (with an art degree). One of my Aunts recently retired, and I think she is frustrated with her own daughters lack of ambition. Out of my sister, my cousin, and me, I had the professional career and they didn’t. They are not working outside the home either. And some how I’m singled out as a failure. In this case it is a toxic situation, and I want as little to do with my three Aunts as possible. The other Aunt is an addict, and the third has made her career her whole life and doesn’t have friends. I think it might be a case of sibling rivalry among my Aunts with my Mom. I know it really doesn’t have anything to do with me. Its a sad situation. The only thing I can do is be happy with my life do my thing. Right now I’m trying new things creatively and going in a new direction.
I need to hear this today. I find myself feeling judged, “Why don’t you have a real job? Who would buy your clothes if they can go to JCPenny?”, and judging others also. These feelings have caused me in the past to be needy with others. I have found that once I put aside the animosity and my need to defend what I do it is freeing. I try to embrace my differences, flaunting them with a smile. Referencing my quirky nature in my marketing and products.
There have been times when those in my family have seen my risk taking and felt the need to call me out on them. I just tell them that they are welcome to work with me and see how fulfilling my work is.
“Stop judging yourself” is by far the most important thing for me. Or, to put it another way, “Challenge yourself to be completely confident in what you do.”
People sometimes gauge insecurity as guilt. Like, if you’re not really sure of yourself, you must be doing something wrong. It’s a vicious cycle!
My niche is small but extremely dedicated and passionate. It’s also relatively hierarchical, and I stand out via unconventional means. Some people reaaally don’t like that. The more I can honestly say, “Yes, what I do is valid,” the more successful & happier I am. And to boot, I perceive that people judge me less.
So Funny!
Just last night I faced this with some friends who haven’t seen me in a while!
(I guess it might help if I figure out a way to efficiently convey exactly what I do.) I know this online guru who used to tell people that he was a drug dealer, then say “just kidding” and tell them that he made his money online… crazy. Funny as hell, but crazy. lol
It took my husband almost a year of observing me and listening to me explain what I do before he finally understood it and started actively supporting my marketing efforts. Woo! Let me tell you–those were hard times when I had no one that could relate to what I was facing. Hubby and I even had a few fights over it. I totally know how it feels to have to fight your way to success.
Until I felt more confident, I had to watch a lot of motivational videos and stay in a good mental place. Slowly but surely, as I am now confident of what I do, I am attracting supportive understanding people into my life.
…and Hubby and I are all good
As always, great video!
<3
Thanks, Marie!
I tweet you always!
I still get weird looks when I tell people what I do (boudoir photography) and in fact a lot of people think I shoot porn! haha! I don’t!
Truth is, I ADORE my job and if people don’t get it then I’m not usually bothered by it too much. The VIPs in my life understand what I do and support me.
I think this was a great video Marie, thanks for sharing
Love the “stop judging yourself” piece. In my early twenties, I was the only person I knew with a biz of my own and everyone else seemed to be in the tech industry. I didn’t know what an xbox was, but my friends had no clue what Rolfing was or why you would ever do it to a horse. I was super insecure so every comment or joke got under my skin. When I gave up and was like, “Ya know what? It freakin’ works and it changes lives!” that’s when the weird jokes (Rolfing? Like ralfing? Like throwing up?) stopped completely.
omigosh ur a rolfer! great I just finished school for massage therapy. I definitley would like to further my skills. Where did u go to school?
This topic hits SO close to home!
I am a professional belly dancer & belly dance costume retailer. My family & random folks totally don’t get it. I fight stereotypes all the time that I’m an “exotic dancer” (ie. stripper). Adding to that, much of my family doesn’t see my retail business as a “real job” because I don’t sit in a cubicle all day & I’m still in the building phase (no income).
I try to combat this my debunking the stereotypes & showing them my websites to “prove” that what I’m doing is not just valid, but has the potential to be lucrative. More importantly, I am happier than I’ve ever been. That’s my biggest selling point
Great vid! I just luv listening and watching your advice delivered in a just baked brownie way that I lUUUVVVVV!!!
This vid. def. reminded me that I have to always be at my supreme best..and let others who arent vibing with me just roll out of my life. I remind myself that fear is only going to block me from my success soo i shld have my faith and my luvly friends will be at the top with me.
Marie-
#2! #2! #2! chasing people’s approval is a total WASTE of energy!
i was so concerned with this when i first started teaching yoga. my mentor said that nobody was going to come to my class if i cracked jokes and played hip hop music- but that was who i was- i don’t speak flowery, i don’t listen to enya, and i teach the sutras through eminem lyrics..
i worried about having to pretend to be someone i wasn’t in in order to get more people to come to my classes, but then i said eff that- i will draw people who resonate with my message, and there are other teachers for people who want to find a traditional “guru.”
i am happy to say that almost 10 years later i stuck to my true self and have students who tell me that is exactly the reason they connect with me and how i teach.
AND i am completely grateful for finding my POWER POSSE in B-SCHOOL! xo
I’m really interested in you because I love your website. It seems to be similar to what I want me online business to be (only you do yoga and I do dance ;D). I just want to affirm that ya… There are so so so many “flowery” yoga studios and instructors. You separate yourself and get to have a whole lot more fun. I forgot how I first found out about you, but I’ve been following you for maybe 2 weeks now. You’re on my role-model list for my business. Your site is in my visionbook.
doka
thank you SO much! i sent you an email yesterday hopefully answering your questions- but please feel free to email me anytime as they come up.. it’s been a wild ride, but the tools i have gotten from marie’s work are priceless- as is this community! good luck.
; )
Marie!
You are da figgedy-bomb! LOL! You truly inspire me because you do what you do the way that YOU only do it.
This current topic SO speaks to me! Most of my friends are workers/ employees, so they don’t really get that I am building my business, even though I work full-time at a different job so’s I can pay my bills. I’ve learned not to look for them for “approval” anymore, and am working to find and get into a “power posse” myself! I need the group dynamic of other chicks who get what I do and are working and succeeding in their respective businesses. SO over the naysayers, secret haters, and the gals who just want to use Facebook as their baby album. blech…. (sorry, did I just say that?)
Thanks, Marie!
I must admit, I expected the usual “stop chasing the approval of others” response, but Marie once again proves her mettle by asserting that one should look to thine own ass first …
and then stop chasing approval.
<3 ya Marie.
I got teased a lot years ago when I left the corporate world and started doing hypnotherapy for living. Hypno-what? Ah, the jokes were endless. But, my old teacher used to say “what other people think about you is none of your business” so I ignored them and kept on building my little empire.
They are still at the office in their cubicle working for the man and they aren’t laughing at me now… yo!
I love your stuff, too! Glad you didn’t let them get you down!
“What other people think about you is none of your business” is brilliant! Thanks for the share.
Marie
1. The specific insights that helped most was the validity of being a multi-faceted person with a lot of skills and interests, all of which could generate income. Last year I had a hard time doing taxes and had to go to an accountant b/c I got money from my “day job” as an attorney, and “side jobs” as a model, actress, and dancer/dance teacher. At first I felt guilty or ashamed because it seemed like I was all over the place but when I listened to what you did, I felt validation. F all tha haterz, nah mean?
The other thing that resonated with me was the idea of hanging with a power posse. This is an area that I have to develop because i’m surrounded by people who are either straight up attorneys or straight up dancers and I don’t fit in with either model so in comparison with them I feel less than when in fact I should embrace myself and feel awesome for being able to delve into what seems to be disparate worlds!
Finally, your “deep” comment re attracting those who judge us as we judge ourselves was spot on and deep.
It’s true, the people I get mad at for judging me judge me in the same way I judge myself. Holla, time to work on full self-acceptance and love!!!
2. I overcome the fear of being judged by others by tyring to be self-aware and reading a lot about self-improvement and reciting positive mantras to myself everyday. I also try not to take things personally and have been able to successfully (lately) create a space between a trigger and my usual reaction so that I can think about the trigger, digest it and ultimately not react the way I usually do because I have been able to see this was not personal or realize that I really don’t know what the other person meant by a particular comment or forgive and let go. I manage the fear and anxiety that comes along with going against the grain by listening to awesome multi-faceted women like you, trying to maintain a mindful/spiritual practice everyday so I could ground, and trying to self-care more and more — balancing my desires to serve and help others with self-love and self-care (so as to avoid burnout and remain grounded).
Hi Marie!
I love your videos. You are mucho inspiring. I make my own line of Eco friendly clothing. My family sometimes does not get it at all! After 6 hard years they are coming around though. I live in a part of Canada where there is a lot of eco friendly people but when I go home to Alberta (home of the tar sands) for holidays I definitely feel like I get a few glazed over stares when I talk about what I do.
I think its so important to stay true to yourself and your uniqueness. “Your People” will find you when the true you shines through. xoxoxo and thanks for all the great content that you share.
Jennifer
Designer @ SaltsClothing.com
Right on, Marie!!
Hey
When someone asks me what I do, I often give such an airy-fairy answer that there is no room for them to judge me eg “I work on the internet” or “I help kids with the same problems as mine” etc
Works a treat. If they’re interested they ask more, else they just leave it at that!
Shelley
Nothing will shut people up faster than making money and walking up with a “cat that ate the canary” smile on your face. It took me a long time to learn they were not judging me when I left Corporate Life. They were just wistfully wishing they had the guts to do the same!
Grazi, Marie!
Great vid! I couldn’t agree more, when I embraced what I did it no longer became an issue for others.
One of the things I do is listen to Pink “Raise Your Glass” which reminds me to celebrate and draw power from the fact I am different…
And I also got used to saying “I help couples use threesomes, foursomes and moresomes to create a deeper connected relationship and a sizzling sex life” so now it rolls off my tongue and it’s a game in my head to pick which reaction I might get lol! There aren’t too many relationship coaches in a swinging/alternative relationship who are out in the public eye talking about how to do it the best way possible, so why not celebrate that fact I say
The best thing I have found is just “getting naked.” I just put it out there. And yeah, some judge, but it also attracts peeps who need what I’m serving up. And if someone is getting served, I let the rest go. The other thing that’s made the diff for me: Power Posse. Seriously made a difference to hang out with people who “get it” and spend waaaaaaay less time with people who do not.
You ROCK Kristen! xoxo
GREAT stuff again Marie!
I especially loved the “stop judging yourself” bit. I often felt others were judging me negatively over my chosen career path/s, until I did some reflection and realised those around me are more often than not very supportive of whatever I do, it is actually ME who is doing all the judging…eeek…of myself! (GASP! OMG!) Thus I’ve wasted a lot of time wondering what others will think and changing careers often to what I “think” others will approve of. This of course has seen me have LOTS of career changes (ie – nothing is ever good enough). Now I’m at a “pause” stage and torn between a few choices and am making a conscious effort to do what I want, NOT what I think others will approve of. Now I just need to work out how to overcome the fear of being judged by my own self!!!!!
Marie – I LOVE this vlog! At first in my business I would totally care what others thought but over time I started to NOT care, I would remind myself that the only thing that matters is to make positive changes for my clients and in the world. Surrounding myself with my power posse “like minded peeps” has made a HUGE impact in my life!
xo
Kelly Lynn
Did this come at the best time for me or what?! I was just asking Shannon’s question myself over in Laura Roeder’s Creating Fame group. Everyone had super awesome advice for me, and then TWO of them recommended this video after you posted it this morning!
And you know what struck me about your video? While I like to say I’m upset that some of my closest family members don’t get where I’m headed (and it’s true), I think you’re right that deep down it’s my own insecurities that are letting their words get to me. I need to become comfortable with where I’m headed. And the only way I can do that is by pushing my business as far as it can go! I need to feel comfortable telling people what I do because I’m successful and happy. Bam!
Thank you thank you, Marie!
This makes soooo much sense! I can totally relate to having tons of people ask me the same questions. Now I know why… Thanks Marie!
I super duper crazy-love the message in this video, especially the bit about evoking a response that mirrors our *own* insecurity. It arrives at a time when I’m building up to go public with my own thing and break free from the norms and judgments of a rather buttoned-up industry. But guess what!? The truth is that I need to break free from my own self-judgment. (Ooooo, sssssssss, hotness.) Thank you so much, Marie! I’m so encouraged to position myself to calmly stop and explain what I do with an open heart, release any lingering need for approval, and step fully into my massive happiness. How liberating. Much love. X
Marie-
I loved this video. I’m transitioning from a career in education to entrepreneurship, so it’s easy to slip into the “old” answer to this question. It takes bravery and a leap of faith to leave that old description behind, to put it out there into the universe and “own” the person (and career) I see myself becoming. Thank you for making this video and sharing your experience, especially your message to stand in our own light and OWN who we are.
Okay, I am googling what the hell is a squeeze page now
I learn things even beyond what the incredible message of your Q&A is!
Thanks Marie!
The judging yourself part of the video was brilliant, especially the fact that people will continually ask what you do when you’re unsure about yourself. LOL Exactly my experience. Now, I never had a problem telling people I’m an artist, but when I decided to make a business of my tarot and astrology skills I thought that would just be too much for others to swallow… So they constantly asked what I do! Realized that due to family disapproval I was projecting that onto others. The remedy is just to be bold, say it and know that what you offer is very valuable to those that “get it”. Thanks Marie!
Marie,
This one speaks to me. With a background in communications I get that you need to clearly explain yourself and sometimes people don’t understand what you’re saying so you re-phrase. But not long ago I joined a networking group to build my biz and not a single person got what I do…even after weeks of dumbing down and twisting my pitch every which way I decided it was a poor way to spend my precious biz development time. Best decision I ever made!
Not everyone is going to “hear” what you’re doing but that’s okay, they’re likely not in need of what it is that you offer.
Thanks for the great Q & A Marie!
Jeannie
Loved this one! I need to stop judging myself asap!
So I guess my new title should be “happy weird multifaceted entrepreneur.” Thanks for sharing Marie.
This is a great post!
It made me realize how lucky I’ve been in my chosen career field. Just about everyone understands when I say “I’m an online marketer. I help clients with websites, emails, and social media.” Almost every one of them is super impressed that I actually took my fate into my own hands and dared to try something non-traditional.
Most importantly, my mom tells me on a periodic basis how happy I sound compared to where I was 2 years ago at my soul-sucking corporate job. My mom and I are about as non-touchy feely emotionally as you can get, so to hear that she’s proud of me and can tell that I am happy is a huge boost!
This is dead on!!! Stop judging yourself first… Didn’t even realize I was doing that and clearly inviting others to do so. Just yesterday someone super close to me made a serious judgmental comment and I surprised myself & them when I said “My life is great and I’m happy, lots of positive things going on in my life” and I started listing them and they we so taken back that they actually said “Wow, I guess I’m clearly not seeing the whole picture here and who am I to judge?” Now that was a huge moment for me. Put forth positive energy and you get it back. A la Oprah you are responsible for the energy that you bring, so no more Negative BS in my world.
As always, wonderful info, Marie! This is one of my biggest challenges and learning experiences with running a business and your no-nonsense advice makes me feel proud of my unconventional approach to making a living. Thank you
I LOVE this video because this is EXACTLY what I went through just recently!! I realized my desire to “I’ll show you” was actually “I’ll show ME”!! I’ve been in and out of network marketing for so long with no results that I was almost blaming my family and friends and their lack of support for my downfall. In truth, it really was all about ME and the fact that I didn’t believe in myself. Well, once I came to that realization everything has changed! I’m now with a great company that I LOVE and believe in, but more importantly, I believe in MYSELF and that I can and will be successful with this company!! I love that you GET it!!
Hi my name is Amy and I am addicted to approval. I love this post. So many of us stay stuck because we think we can read minds. We think that people will judge us but the truth is we can’t read minds. When I launched my new biz as a life coach I was convinced that people were going to think I was insane. Most people were happy for me. I was shocked! Now I write about approval addiction as a living. In fact I just wrote a post about being judged. It’s all about “apology energy.” http://bit.ly/nGGyJ3
That’s Moxie baby! You will become all that you long to become when you have the moxie to stand naked, centered in the truth of who you really are – no matter what.
My favorite part of this video- the idea that we bring up judgement from other people based on our own insecurities. I can’t count the number of family functions that I’ve been to where going into I thought, “Great, let the comments and judgement begin.” And of course it did. Imagine that. I think next time I’ll try going in with a more positive attitude and see where it goes from there.
Two things that has helped me deal with the judgement of other people:
1. I realize that my value is not attached to other people’s idea of me
2. Sometimes other people’s comments have nothing to do with you, but are a projection of a problem that they are dealing with within themselves.
A motto I try to live by is this: What bugs you the most about other people is usually something you need to fix about yourself. How does this tie into the video advise? Stop thinking people are judging me just because I have the tendency to judge myself. When I published Here Comes Trouble, I was so proud of myself. I wanted the whole world to read it and laugh out loud. Then “reality” set in- “Oh, you self published? That’s really not being published. Anyone can do that. You need a big publishing house to represent you to be ligitiment.” I first I was crushed. It went from something thrilling to something I was almost embarrassed about it. Almost.
My attitude now is, “You don’t think my book is ligit? Well, it’s more ligit than yours. What? Oh that’s right- you’ve never published anything.” Here Comes Trouble may not be a best seller yet, but I have faith in it. It’s too funny not to!
Nancy, just between you and me, I decided to publish my first book because my brother said he was writing one. There’s motivation! Cranked that puppy out in 2 days. I couldn’t just let him win, you see. You’re more likely to become a millionaire than to ever publish a book. (Not counting the 3 million or so ebooks.) So you can check “become extraordinary” off your bucket list. IMO, Asking anyone’s permission to publish a book is like asking for permission to breathe. The “backing” of a big-name publisher can be replaced by a stack of postcards and a cheerful PR specialist gladly working for 25 Philippine Pesos an hour. This is not to denigrate competent PR, the need for clearances, connections, and know-how. But you don’t have to let anyone mangle, neglect, and reject your work to sell it. You might do a search for Michael Senoff’s “Jill Lublin Interview” for the PDF on selling your book via radio interviews. And remember that a book’s only the front end of your info business. Hope it helps.
Great video and advice, Marie!
Love the Ice Cube in the beginning! “Check yo self before you wreck yo self”
Goin’ over to YouTube now to listen to that song…
Thank you for great insights and great presentation, Marie. Those are all good points you made and they make sense. I definitely need to stop judging myself.
I am recovering from being a “people pleaser” and being sensitive to how what I say and what I do effects people around me. For a “people pleaser” it is especially hard to be judged, because you are doing your best to make people around you feel good. It was stressful for me when I would sense that I might have hurt somebody’s feelings and it wore me out. If I feel like I might have touched the sensitive spot I would ask that person or if the person tells me they did not appreciate what I said I will apologize.
Dealing with judgmental attitudes of other people I try to keep in mind that:
1. People judging me don’t know what I know and what I am trying to accomplish.
2. Can’t please everybody. I never know when I am going to “rub” somebody the wrong way.
3. 99% of the time people think about themselves & some of time about their families and friends. I might be a subject of a conversation for 5-10 min (with family members maybe half a day) and after that everybody goes back to thinking and talking about their problems.
4. I can laugh it off and out.
5. I say inwardly or in some cases outloud “Whatever…” and brush it off – for me, saying this word relieves frustration when people don’t get it. No need to waste my time and energy to try to explain my point of view especially to somebody who might never get it after I’ve tried to explain.
Hey Marie,
I really loved this particular post. I have a hard time with my family and friends. My hallucination is that they don’t believe the internet “how-to” business is a legitimate industry…
Your post really help me – get back to center – so to speak on what originally inspired me to make this career change / leap to start.
You are such a great inspiration. thank you!
Michelle
Thanks for such a great topic, Marie!! I always feel like people give me a REALLY weird look after I tell them I’m a photographer…I totally think I’m projecting my insecure vibes onto them and that they’re giving them right back!! Such a vicious cycle. Just finally got my husband on board with my business after 2 YEARS of trying to convince him it’s a great idea…it must be me finally feeling confident with what I do! Lots of XOXO to you, Miss Marie!!
Hannah,
Tried to check out your website and it says “invalid address”. Even when I opened a new tab ? Hope you biz is still going strong.
Yvonne
Thanks, Marie! I’ll answer your questions backwards. Look, no hands!
First, my tip:
99% of people reject a successful life filled with fun, daring adventure and simply accept the mundane, fear-filled fiction of life. They live inside a cardboard box. They never dip a single, naked toe into the lake of unlimited success, despite mountains of evidence. You can simply decide to make your dreams come true. Go along with the crowd if you want everyone else’s stressful, hopeless life. Instead, you’re here with the swimmers. I find it financially and emotionally devastating to ever follow big, dumb, crowded herds. I’m sure all the parties, recklessness, debt, ignorance and utter lack of introspective, constructive self-doubt is rewarding, comforting, and addicting. If you sold your soul for that kind of life, you should have held out for a better deal.
But how does conformity qualify anyone to question your decisions? Have they ever questioned theirs? Any 4 year-old can tear straight through an adult’s illusion of certainty by asking “Why?” about 4 or 5 times in a row. “Because I said so,” didn’t satisfy the good Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., or any other of the most valuable, productive, and legendary 1% who decided to rewrite history as it happened. Does “I said so” satisfy you? I hope not.
Now, my adoration:
Marie’s right. Our own insecurities can prompt others to judge us. Wow. The rocker Henry Rollins haunted me by saying, “When you start to doubt yourself the real world will eat you alive.” I never knew what he meant until Marie explained it here. It’s like wearing a big “Pick on Me” sign. I ‘attracted’ bullies the same way for years.
Today, it’s not my linebacker size that backs down bullies and 3-ton SUVs in the street. Why? Because of the authority and certainty that crackles and radiates through every bristling tip of my being. Why? Because I’ve seen straight through these silly mass delusions. Why? Because I asked. Why? Because I carry a divine gift (Or stole it from the gods. Whatever.) no greater or less than yours. Okay, I may not be “worthy” of it, but in my opinion, as its chosen and only protector and administrator, my gift is more than worthy of me. Because I said so.
Kevin Nations explains it a little better, but imagine a world where Dr. Martin Luther King plopped down after his 9 to 5 with a six pack and a remote control. Can you imagine how bad that world sucks? He died so you could live, breathe, and walk in a world he could only dare to dream about. You have the choice to bring Dr. King’s daring dream to life: Break free of the rusty, rattling, chafing chains of superficial judgment. Just like you’ve chosen the path of success by being here, you can choose to swim barefoot and happy across a lake of success with us unconventional mermaids and sleek, leaping dolphins, or you can keep your cheap shoes on and stay in your little cubicle box with the other livestock.
Hi Marie,
As usual, lovin’ the video! I am living my passion and La Vida Loca as a professional intuitive, AKA, Psychic. For the most part, people are receptive but I’ve had a few peeps, especially within my own immediate tribe, who do not support my work. At all. One bit. Ouch… It hurt like a MoFo but hey, whatcha gonna do about that!
Well, here’s what I did. I went behind enemy lines and I took a real, hard look at MY own beliefs and attitudes to see if those around me weren’t just mirroring what I believed. Guess what? As much as I didn’t want to admit it, they were. They were just handing “it” back to me, in my face, on a big, fat silver platter.
Truth be told, for so many years I was worried and was constantly in hiding. I was worried about what people would think. So much so that I lived a dual life and I hid behind my left-brain job. I was terrified of the day that someone would confront me about my psychic work. So I shouldn’t have been surprised that those around me couldn’t love me for who I was because I couldn’t do this for myself.
So… I had to dig deep. I mean to the middle-of-the-earth deep and excavate the inner landscape, commonly known as the truth. After a whole bag of Mother’s cookies, a 1/2 bag of comfort chips and some pretty serious self assessment — sometimes it takes all of THAT to get real — I decided to make a contract with myself and it goes something like this:
– I shall love myself unconditionally for who I am, where I’ve gone, and where I will be going. NO. MATTER. WHAT.
– I shall own who I am ‘cuz that’s what makes me passionate, joyful and happy.
– I shall rise to the occasion and own it.
– I shall stop hiding and share my vision with the rest of the world.
– I shall not make decisions based on how someone thinks of me but rather how I can serve others.
– I shall make big gurl decisions that empower me even though it may not jive with someone else’s path. Knowing full well that some of those decisions may cost me someone’s friendship or their love.
– I shall love them for who they are knowing that it’s not my job to change them.
– Above all, I shall respect & love myself and stick to this contract because its all about and up to me.
Then I sealed it with a kiss. Mwahhhh!
That being said, being true to this contract nearly cost me my 20-year- old marriage. As Oprah would say, “It was my Ah-Ha moment” but in reality, it was the scariest, bravest thing I’ve ever done.
At least now, everyone knows the truth. This is who I am and I so mean business.
Now, I am living my life to the fullest and I know that:
– I can positively, absolutely and without any doubt, detach from the negative noise, the inner & outer judgement and speak & live my truth.
– On my terms.
– Oh… and make it on my own knowing that all will be provided and I have to say that it’s a beautiful thing.
Merry Street
Intuitive Alchemist
Marie, I found your site over a week and half ago and still can’t remember how I connected to your site. I am a very passionate woman working towards my dreams of one day having my own business with a lot of struggles. I downloaded your book and been slowly listening to and jotting down everything that connected to me. Sad to say but not embarrassed to be open about I sadly got a DUI this last weekend and it finally hit me today that this might affect my dreams and my confidence. I just watch all your Q&A video clips and just feel I found my mentor someone that I could look up to and help me on my endeavors. All I know that your bright amazing spirit has up lifted me and got me back on track to think clearly that I still wanted my dreams to come true. I may not ever get the pleasure of meeting you but your amazing attitude and passionate messages have helped me. Thank you for the new found brilliance I found not to give up on myself.
Soo refreshing to hear other people have this same problem! When I first quit my 9-5 stable job to pursue my passions I got some very strange comments. I found that people truly did not understand what I was trying to do. I think most people thought I just didn’t want to work anymore…. I get mixed reactions when I try to explain what I do to others, some are supportive while others are not. I find it difficult to explain what I do to others because I have many different projects and passions. I just keep truckin along because I know in my heart what I am doing is right!
Wow! Marie, I’m so glad I found you! A little later than I wished for but better late than never!
All my life (I’m 32 this yr) I’ve been struggling with my multiple interests. So many things interest me: media production, arts, environmental conservation, adventures, travel, blogging and doing social work, and I’d love to do all at the same time because that’s me – I need to work on a variety of things and meet different people to feel energized, inspired and motivated. Having a normal 9-5 job hasn’t worked well for me but I stuck to it for practical reasons until recently. Plus, I always thought there is a problem with me…that I lacked focus and discipline, which might be true to some extent…I didn’t put in the extra effort. Juggling multiple passions is no more easier than focusing on one thing and becoming an expert in it.
I’m happy to know that there’s nothing wrong with me! Being multi-passionate is okay and is doable! I just need to work extra hard on each of the things that I wanna do to make it happen!
And oh yes, I love the way you talk about all these serious topics with a sense of humour! I am actually very serious about my life but people around me generally can’t tell because I’m always laughing about it! Haha!
So refreshing. Those that will get it, get it. Those that don’t, don’t. And there’s plenty of both. I just need to focus on those that do!
O-oh , are you saying that people will judge us if we do not ooze self confidence then?
Let us put our self assured, “we are star material” personality out then…
Nothing wrong with having several passions and assets
LOL!
Hey Marie! I love this video!!
I so glad I caught your Mixergy interview – that is when I began following your work
All the best!!
This was a big thing with me in the first few years of my biz. Since I work with energy healing and other “on the fringe” therapies I was super afraid of putting myself out there. I didn’t want to be the woo woo chick in the purple dress. lol! Definitely agree that you have to stop judging yourself and not to try to convert people that are skeptical. My clients are usually naturally drawn to the type of work I do so I don’t try to convert the skeptics. The more confident I am the more comfortable they are. It took just getting out there and risking the rejection to gain the confidence. Then I saw the fear was bigger than what was actually happening.
When I first became a life coach I was still personal training. People looked at me funny when I told them I was changing over and asked “so now you only, like, talk to people?” “Yup” I answered…I really didn’t know how to describe what I did so how in the world would anyone actually trust me with making changes in their life?!?!?! My level of confidence was low from the off.
Having since added the word Holistic to the title of Life Coach it opens up a conversation and they ask “So just what exactly does a Holistic Life Coach do?” To which I can answer “Well, I have the opportunity to work with a client on five areas of their life including nutrition, career , physical activity, relationships and spirituality to bring them into energetic balance for optimal health and wellness.” The questions continue with “Wow! What got you into that?” Then I have the space to tell them my weight loss story and how I overcame many illnesses and depression which peaks their interest and we now have a connection!
Now, I don’t get the funny looks anymore which is super cool
This video showed up in my Inbox at the perfect time, as I launched a new publishing business this week. Many people (people close to me) who I’ve talked to about it have questioned what I’m doing. After listening to Marie in this video, I realized it’s not that they’re being judgmental; they simply care about me. I think they’re worried I’m going down a path that may not work out. I need to let their concerns be their concerns, not mine, as I push forward.
Maggie,
Just bought your book. I LOVE! my Kindle and love the genre you write about. Your story sounds very interesting and certainly worth the price! Glad to have found you! Congrats on your pushing forward. Did you self publish the book ? With Amazon and Kindle who knows where it’ll take the publishing world and let everyone who has a cool idea get it to market in perhaps an easier manner than traditionally (although there was probably a lot about the effort you wouldn’t call easy) . Would love to connect with you on facebook and twitter!
Yvonne
Hi Yvonne: Thanks so much for the follows on Twitter and FB and, most of all, for buying the first 2 stories. That is SO awesome, I have no words to thank you. Yes, I wrote and published both of them myself and am writing the third in the series right now. I don’t know if I’ll be super financially successful at this venture, but I’m enjoying the process immensely, and at the moment, that’s worth a lot. Thanks again, Yvonne.
The most importants insights I got were that we judge ourselves before giving a chance for others to judge us. That having a power posse can lead to good self esteem and personal growth by working with people who believe in you and who share similar interests.
Normally I try to ignore the fear of being judged by others. That only works so well. A better response is to love myself. To love myself for who I am, the experiences I have gone thru and respect my own tenacity for facing life’s challanges despite my shortcomings.
I am embarrassed to say I have limited my social exposure, because I am conscious how wrong of a tool this is for coping with social judgement.
Hi Marie
The part that I got most out of was that we give unconscious signals that we wish to be (adversely) judged. I will be working on this!
Over the last few days I have been judged in the press in the UK following a judgmental letter from my father being published in the Daily Mail. What I don’t understand is why my friends think I should be hurt by this! I’m not, as my father’s original judgment hurt so much more – and if I got over that, I can get over anything.
I’m more hurt that my brother and sister are upset – but I want to get on with my life.
Loving your videos, and hopefully see you soon on B-school! (Goodness knows my website needs it!)
Emily Crews-Montès
Fantastic beat ! I would like to apprentice while you amend your website, how could i subscribe for a weblog website? The account helped me a applicable deal. I were a little bit acquainted of this your broadcast provided vivid transparent idea
may i ask how are live performances and the importance of pursuiting your dreams related?
I have been going through this when explaining my crystal kandi/ bracelet business. A lot of people don’t know what kandi is or why you’d sell it, let alone the crystal aspect of everything but I’m working on my self confidence, passing out my business cards and building courage to market myself every day thanks to Marie’s videos and tips. It’s a sigh of relief ot know that I’m not alone in my feelings!!
Oops I made a typo in my web page in my previous comment! Irony!
I am grateful for a supportive family and friends, being in college and working towards something, a sister, a dog, food to eat and water to drink, exercise, my work-out DVDs I like to follow, a house, having options in my life, to have a nice car, a summer place in Cape Cod. What I took from this video is that physical well-being and positive thoughts can really change the health of a person in a positive way. Someone who might be ill with a cold can really start to feel better if they think positive and do something that can make them feel good. I used to worry about being judged by others, but now I am starting to put myself out there more and not really worry about what other people might think. I am who I am, love me or hate me. I always say what Nike says and JUST DO IT, because you will be thankful later that you did.
POSITIVE PSYCHOLOGY PEOPLE!!!!!!
Hi Marie,
1. What specific insight from this video helped you most, and why?
Your example. You just being you, multifaceted and having fun, not seeking other people’s approval, and letting go of the self-judgment, especially the ‘So… what are YOU doing…?’ (and that it’s totally ok to also say:’You know… I don’t know!’)
2. How do you overcome the fear of being judged by others? What do you do to manage the fear and anxiety that comes along with going against the grain? Tell me your best tip.
Staying out of figuring out (if possible) and getting into creative inspired action (even if that’s just clearing my space). Creating a collage and journaling always gets me back into my higher Intelligence and that way I receive my next steps and am inspired. The time it takes to make a collage or journal is a perfect time for laser focus on what’s beautiful and magical – and that shifts everything.
Thank you so much for your inspiration,
You’re awesome,
miracle vortex & royal muse
☆ Tanya ☆✩
Hi! New to this site, love it. I really really needed to hear that I need to stop judging myself. Also, not wanting others’ approval, I have major issues with wanting others’ to approve of me. I just did an improv show and I heard a lot of other people being praised but no one said anything to me and I felt as if I was completely unfunny and no good because no one said I was. And, then, to make matters more painful for myself, I am now upset with myself because I’m wondering if I can only feel good about myself when others tell me to. Any help welcome.
Hi Marie! I just love what you are doing to help guide all of us floating out there. I am so much like you used to be. I have so many passions and artistic abilities, but favorite love is physical fitness and nutrition. i really am trying to keep it going, but i have a lot of let downs. People cancel a lot, so therefor they aren’t getting results and i’m not getting paid. augh! So then I resort to photography and or sewing for people. Those are my back up incomes. I’ve just finally accepted the title of “jack of all trades”., but I like to think I am a master of some. I really would like to build a lucrative business in the fitness and nutrition industry, but I feel like i’ve hit a wall. Would it benefit me to take your b-business program?
Thank you for your talents and your awesome spirit!!! Christy
Marie, you are brilliant. Thank you for being you.