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Marie Forleo: In this episode of MarieTV we do have some adult language. So if you have little ones around, grab your headphones now.
Hey, it’s Marie Forleo and you are watching MarieTV, the place to be to create a business and life you love. Today is so special. I can’t handle it. First of all, I just have to tell you the day is the day that my book is officially born. What’s up? Come on you guys. Are you freaking excited? And get this. The tables are turned because today I ain’t interviewing me. My best friend in the whole entire Ms. Kris Carr is here. Yay. If y’all don’t know Kris Carr. We are BFFs. We are true best friends in everything in life. We just call her a wellness warrior. She’s a New York Times best selling author. I sometimes call her cucumber Jesus. She is a magical unicorn. She is all those things. Kris, I am so excited because you’re interviewing me today.
Kris Carr: Girl, I am so happy to be here. Welcome to my show.
Marie Forleo: Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. All right. We’ve literally never done this before. I’ve never done this before. It’s awesome so how do we do it? What do you want to talk to me about?
Kris Carr: Here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to start by giving you a little gush. Going to do a little praise festival for you because this beautiful baby that you created, that came out today, which is so exciting. I’ve watched you from the beginning. From the day that you got the deal, to the day you started writing. I’ve seen you put your heart and your soul, and your smarts in all…
Marie Forleo: And my tears.
Kris Carr: I’m getting there. I’m getting there. I pay attention. I bring the tissues. All of it. You put it all in here. What you created is a masterpiece and I don’t say that just because I’m your best friend. Because you know I always tell you the truth. It’s a masterpiece and it’s going to give so many people that inspiration to not only believe in themselves, but to own those unique gifts that you always talk about. I’m not done gushing yet fans because it’s your book. What else is going to come with that? You back it up with the tools, and the tips, and the strategies to help people make those dreams come true. I just want to say brava, babe. Brava.
Marie Forleo: Thank you. Thank you.
Kris Carr: Good work.
Marie Forleo: Thank you.
Kris Carr: Here’s one of the things. We’re going to tell a lot of stories today. I’m going to tell a lot of stories about you and about the things you’ve taught me over the years. Something that is so true about you is that you are lit up by figuring things out. This is just in your DNA. We’re going to get to why it’s in your DNA. Whether it’s creating an incredible live experience for people, or an unbelievable online training program, or taking your relationship to the next level, or I’m not done. Or creating these amazing adventures for your friends. Here’s one of my most favorite recent ones. Fixing shit yourself.
Marie Forleo: Yes.
Kris Carr: Do you remember when you called me and you were like, oh my gosh I got the best news? I thought, like maybe you’re going to be on Oprah again. You’re like, I fixed my chest of drawers all by myself.
Marie Forleo: Yes.
Kris Carr: I didn’t need to call anybody. I got in there. I rolled up my sleeves and I figured it out.
Marie Forleo: Yes, with a wire hanger.
Kris Carr: Yes, you did. You did. I was like, oh that’s what you did? Okay great. Yeah, good you.
Marie Forleo: I know. I’m silly like that.
Kris Carr: You’re amazing like that. My first question is, where does this come from? What is the origin story of this incredible philosophy mantra? What does it mean?
Marie Forleo: It comes from my mama who is this amazing character, which you know. For y’all who don’t know my mom, she is this powerful, mighty, tiny woman. She’s like 5’3″, she looks like June Cleaver, she cusses like a truck driver, and she’s probably one of the most industrious people that I have ever come across in my whole life. She grew up in the projects of Newark, New Jersey. She learned really by necessity, how to stretch a dollar bill around the block like five times. She made a promise to herself that when she grew up, that she was going to make a better life for herself. One of my favorite memories from childhood was sitting around the kitchen table with my mom in New Jersey. The Sunday paper was spread out all over the table and we used to love to do crafts together. We had all these little scissors and she would teach me how to cut out the right coupons so that we could save money.
Marie Forleo: She would also teach me about the fact that oh, well if we get x boxes of this, or save x cartons of this, that we can get this cool free stuff that brands would send you. Like a great new cookbook, or utensils, or something that we could actually use. One of her most prized possessions in the universe was this tiny little transistor radio that she got for free. It was shaped like an orange. It had this red and white striped straw sticking out of the side that was the antenna. It was a little transistor radio from Tropicana Orange Juice. She loved that thing. She would carry it around the house with her when she was doing laundry and doing housework, or doing something in the yard. It was the way that I knew where to find my mom. Because she’s always busy, and always doing something, and I would listen for the sound of that radio.
Marie Forleo: I remember one time I came home from school and I was walking home. I heard the radio off in the distance and I got closer. The sound was coming from up above, which felt really odd. When I got close to the house, I looked up and my mom was perched very precariously on the roof of our two-story house. You know, as a tiny little kid, it just was so scary. I yelled up. I’m like, “mom are you okay? What are you doing?” My mom who’s got that little Jersey edge, she was like “Rie, I’m fine. It’s no problem. The roof had a leak and I called the roofer. He said it was going to be at least 500 bucks. I said screw that. I saw some asphalt in the garage and I’m fixing it.” There’s this other time I came home from school and I walked in the door, and the sound was coming from the back of the house. I followed it to the back of the house. It was coming from the bathroom.
Marie Forleo: The door was slightly cracked open and there was dust particles. I pushed the door open and my mom is sitting in our bathroom. There’s pipes coming out of the wall. It’s like a war zone. Everything is just huddled around her. I’m like, “mom are you okay?” She’s like, “I’m fine.” I’m like, “what are you doing?” She’s like, “well the tiles had some cracks in it and I didn’t want the bathroom to get moldy. So I’m re-tiling the bathroom.” You probably remember this time and hopefully some of our viewers do. This is the ‘80s. Very pre-internet, pre-YouTube, pre-Google. My mom has no more than a high school education. She was just MacGyver in terms of figuring out how to do things. There was this one day when I came home from school and it was the fall. It was actually a little bit later than what time it is right now. It was dark out early and it was a little scary. I got home and the entire house was dark and silent, which is incredibly unusual for an Italian-American house.
Marie Forleo: I go in the door and it was eerie because it was so dark and quiet. I didn’t hear the radio and I couldn’t find my mom. I’m walking around trying to find out where she is. Your mind starts making up stories. I really thought there’s a big problem here. Then I heard these clicks and clacks coming from by the kitchen. I walk into the kitchen and I see my mom like hunched over the kitchen table. It looked like an operating room. There was electrical tape, and screwdrivers, and in 15 pieces was my mom’s beloved Tropicana orange just all spread out. I was like, “mom are you okay? Did your radio break? What’s going on?” She’s like, “oh Rie, I’m fine. The antenna was a little off. The dial was working so I’m fixing it.” Kris, that was the first time that I had enough forethought to say, “hey mom. How do you know how to do so many things that you’ve never done before? But nobody is showing you how to do them?”
Marie Forleo: She put down her screwdriver and she looked at me with that cock-head look. She was like, “what are you talking about? It’s no big deal. Really Rie. Nothing in life is that complicated. You can do anything you set your mind to if you just roll up your sleeves, you get in there, and you do it. Everything is figureoutable.” I was like…
Kris Carr: Ding.
Marie Forleo: Yeah. Like little Marie was like “oh my god. Everything is figure out. Everything is…” that’s what reverberated in my soul. I feel like for that moment on, it has been the single biggest driving belief, force, conviction, mantra that has taken me through every single crevice of my life.
Kris Carr: Well we’re going to get into that driving force and that philosophy throughout the course of this interview. I want to continue by unpacking our beliefs. You say that if you change your belief, you change everything.
Marie Forleo: Yes.
Kris Carr: For people who are deeply entrenched in old, potentially negative limiting beliefs, and it’s just ingrained like a deep record groove that they don’t feel like they can get out of, what do you say?
Marie Forleo: Here’s the good news. That all beliefs are a choice and choices can be changed, right? Every belief is a choice and choices can be changed if we are willing, if we are willing. I always like to tell people, think about some things that maybe you believed when you were little. I believed Smurfs were real. Do you know what I mean?
Kris Carr: They’re not.
Marie Forleo: They’re not. I know. Well they are real for some people. Exactly. Santa Claus. How many things did we… I know. I know. I’m like ruining some lives right now. But seriously. There are things that I’m sure all of us can look back on and know that we once believed were the truth. And time, or experience, or wisdom, or the world shifting. I mean even if we take it in a global sense, and this is kind of funny. At one point, all of society thought that the world was flat. We don’t anymore. This was actually some inside baseball. When I was working on the manuscript, I write this in the book. At one point, we thought the world was flat and now we believe it’s round. They were like, yeah but some people actually believe the world is still flat. They’re called flat earthers. I was like, well those mother fuckers are not my audience. Because that’s fine, go on with your bad self. But I just don’t think that’s the truth.
Kris Carr: Did you hear that, flat earthers? We’re coming for you today.
Marie Forleo: They’re actually gone come for me. I know that right now.
Kris Carr: No, I’m backing you up.
Marie Forleo: You know what I mean. Therein lies I think for all of us this possibility that things that we once believed, that we don’t have to anymore. Therein lies the possibility of change, should you want to.
Kris Carr: Okay, so just to take that a little bit deeper. Because you handled this so well in the book, and I’m so glad that you did. Obviously not everybody has the same privileges, unfortunately. It’s just the way the world is and that sucks.
Marie Forleo: Yes.
Kris Carr: For the people who are dealing with debilitating illnesses, or deep loss, or income inequality, or horrific social injustice, what do you say to them?
Marie Forleo: So a couple things I say to them. First, I acknowledge very clearly up front as a white woman born in the United States, I am clear that I’ve won what Warren Buffet has called the ovarian lottery. I get that. That’s why it was actually really important for me in this book to include stories that are from such a wide range of individuals not just from the United States, but from the developing world and across history, and quite frankly, a lot of women stories. That’s who we center on in the book. So that everyone has an opportunity to see a version of themselves or has some story that they can relate to in the book. That’s one.
Marie Forleo: Then in terms of the idea of facing really hard, devastating truths, like death, addiction, loss, illness. One of the most inspiring things to me has been the letters that we’ve received from people who have been using this idea for years. Let me tell you one. It was probably the first letter that we received from someone who saw the Oprah talk. Done everything was figureoutable for Oprah. Then a lot of folks were exposed to this idea for the first time. So we got this letter from a woman named Jen. She said, “Marie, I was so excited to watch your talk. The idea was something that my mom, who I love so much had been trying to teach me for so long. The way that you spoke about it really got through. Then me and my mom watched it together and we both loved it. We were so excited. Then everything changed.” Her mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. In that instant, everything didn’t seem figureoutable to her. Something deeper felt like it still was. So she tried to step back and look at it from a fresh perspective. Then she realized actually things were figureoutable.
Marie Forleo: For example, finding nursing care for her mom who lived in a really rural area. Like finding foods that her mom could actually tolerate. Like getting the right medical equipment so that her mom could spend her last days and her last five weeks in her home, which was exactly where she wanted to be. Jen said, “it turns out that everything really is figureoutable. I want to thank you so much for sharing that idea because it made such a difference to two people on the other side of the world that you’ve never met.” They’re both in New Zealand. We have so many stories like that in the book of people that have gone through such difficult, and are still going through such difficult situations. But they use this idea to awaken something in themselves that gives them a chance to show up for whatever difficult thing they’re facing with as much power and creativity and compassion for themselves and others as possible.
Kris Carr: You know what I love about that story and obviously you know it’s a story close to my heart. Love is figureoutable. You might not always get what you want, and sometimes you get something even deeper. My dad is going through pancreatic cancer, but I will say back to my original diagnosis. When I was told you need a triple organ transplant and you’ll be lucky if you have ten years to live. I was like, no. I need to figure this out. I need to become the CEO of me and find the best team, and hire, and fire, and step into my power. If I didn’t have that belief, and we didn’t know each other back then. I think we did somehow. The cosmos was like bringing us together. It would just be a matter of time. If I didn’t step into that belief, I know I wouldn’t be here today. If my family wasn’t stepping into that belief right now, we wouldn’t be able to really show up for my dad. I so appreciate that story.
Kris Carr: There’s countless stories like that in the book. What I got so much inspiration from was it’s not only stories of people who have been following you for years, and have used all of your strategies, and tools, and tips, and everything that you give so generously every week on MarieTV. Also, B School students who have just done incredible things with their lives and their businesses. Then stories of people who are legends that we all look up to and inspire to be, and how they’ve used this belief to get where they are now.
Marie Forleo: Yeah. I think the thing is, if we look throughout history, any major breakthrough we as humanity have experienced, whether it’s in the arts, or sciences, medicine, entertainment, athletics. Anything, they might not have used these exact words, but the spirit of the belief was there. If the Wright Brothers didn’t believe that human flight was possible, we wouldn’t be able to travel around like we do today. If there weren’t women who believed that we should have the right to vote, and fought for years and decades, we would’ve never had that. I think the spirit is what has embedded every major breakthrough in human history. I would also love to talk about, I don’t know if you’re going there so you let me know. The rules that we have, that set this up in terms of…
Kris Carr: I would love to talk about that.
Marie Forleo: Yeah. This was interesting. When I first started writing the book, I went out with a dear friend who has an eight year old son. They were just asking what I was working on. I was talking about the book. The son asked, what’s the title of your book? I said, Everything is Figureoutable. He was like, no it’s not. I was like, tell me more. You know what I mean? I was like, what don’t you think is figureoutable.
Kris Carr: Have a seat, buddy.
Marie Forleo: Have a seat. Tell Mama Marie what is not figureoutable. He was like, well you can’t grow human working wings out of your back and fly away. I was like, well that is true right now, but we humans can indeed fly. He was like, that’s right. He’s like, well I can’t bring back my childhood dog that died when I was two. I was like, that’s true right now, but scientists are definitely working on cryogenics. There are some people cloning the dogs. We definitely know about that. Shout out… What is it? Is it Bette Midler who’s done it?
Kris Carr: I think you’re right. Oh no, Barbara Streisand.
Marie Forleo: Barbara Streisand, that’s right. That’s right. Those things are possible. I said, just because something hasn’t been figured out yet doesn’t mean it’s not figureoutable. That conversation with the eight year old really prompted this wonderful set of rules that I like to share in terms of this idea. Because it creates a mental container for all of us to focus on how we can use this idea to grow and change. Rule number one is this: All problems or dreams are figureoutable. Rule number two: If a problem is not figureoutable, it’s not a problem, it’s a fact of life or a law of nature. Death, gravity, et cetera. Rule number three: You may not care enough to solve this particular problem or reach this particular dream and that’s okay. Find something that really fires up your heart, and go back to rule number one. I think that little framing helps us stay within a zone of focusing on what we… not only what we actually care enough about to invest in.
Marie Forleo: But there’s another place in the book where we talk about the importance of making a distinction between what we can and can’t control. And putting the lion’s share of our attention, and our energy there. I think the last thing I would say for anyone going, is everything really figureoutable? There is this quantum theorist. His name is David Deutsch. He has this incredible quote that says everything that is not forbidden by the laws of nature is achievable given the right knowledge. This book that he wrote, The Beginning of Infinity, it’s like… like mind-blowing. Like it just hurts your brain to even read five pages. At least mine. You don’t have to take a quantum theorist’s word for it or my word. I say to everyone listening, try it before you deny it.
Kris Carr: I love that.
Marie Forleo: Test it. Live it. Experience it and see if it doesn’t support you in becoming more resourceful, and more creative, and more resilient.
Kris Carr: This is so you and I love this chapter. You’ve actually had me eliminate many excuses in my own life. You talk about that if it’s important enough, you’ll make the time. If it’s not, you’ll make an excuse.
Marie Forleo: Yes. That’s the thing I use to keep myself in line all the damn time. Because excuses will suffocate our lives, they’re like dream-killers if we allow them to. I can’t tell you how many times my mind, you know me. You’ve known me for so long now. It’s like I think all of us can go, I don’t have the time. I just don’t have the time.
Kris Carr: I want to talk about that one.
Marie Forleo: Okay, let’s talk about it.
Kris Carr: Because so many people… in this chapter, which is so great, you’re really encouraging people to carve out at least two hours a day.
Marie Forleo: Yes.
Kris Carr: Some people would be like, is she high? Was she smoking? Where’d she get it? Is there CBD involved in it or is it just straight THC? What is happening? Right?
Marie Forleo: Totally.
Kris Carr: With those people for all of us, myself included, who say, I’m just so over-stretched. If I find 15 minutes, that’s awesome. You’re saying over two hours. What do you say to those people? What are also some of the tips because I love them and I’m already starting to use them?
Marie Forleo: Yeah. I think time is probably one of the biggest things that we all feel because we’re living in such a world right now. There’s so much incoming in terms of data and information. We’re spending so much time on our devices and our phones. One of the things I discovered doing research for the book was that most of us grossly underestimate the amount of time that we spend on technology.
Kris Carr: It’s disgusting.
Marie Forleo: We’re so unconscious to it because it’s become so automatic. That’s one of the first places that I always look when I see myself seeping into that, I ain’t got the time. I’m like, that’s bullshit. I need to dial that back up and get real with myself. That is actually one of the tips is to start off and to begin actually tracking your time and to do it for seven days. Just as an exercise in research, just to see exactly where your time goes from the moment you wake up until the moment that beautiful head lays on the pillow at night. To see, is everywhere you’re spending your time, is every single thing that you’re doing actually aligned with your heart’s highest values, and dreams, and goals? If not, it’s not about beating yourself up, but that’s our groundwork where we have to look in order to make changes. There are a lot of practical tips and tools that we talk about in that chapter. But I think the time tracking exercise for seven days is so crucial. Here’s the thing, though. You can’t track your time and try to look good to yourself on paper. Do you know what I mean?
Kris Carr: You have to be honest?
Marie Forleo: You got to be real stinking honest. You can’t do it to look good and to start changing things so that you show up great on paper. Like look, this shit don’t work.
Kris Carr: You’re like tweezing extra chin hairs too long.
Marie Forleo: Seriously.
Kris Carr: Write it down.
Marie Forleo: Write it down. Do you know how many times a day I’m in the mirror tweezing? This just takes so long.
Kris Carr: Well it looks great.
Marie Forleo: Thank you.
Kris Carr: I don’t know if that’s bad time spent.
Marie Forleo: I consider it well time spent, but I think for all of us there’s these little pockets of where your flittering time on things that actually don’t matter. We have some great charts in the book where it’s like, if you find yourself even spending 30 minutes a day in email, social, whatever. And you have dreams of let’s say writing a book or learning a language, or making over your financial life, getting a relationship back to a healthy place, getting your health back into a place of strength. You can reallocate that time to something that is of much higher value to you and to your dreams, and to figuring out whatever that thing is that’s most important to you.
Kris Carr: It’s really shocking. I think it’s such a great exercise. You always tell people not to beat themselves up when they’re really doing that honest inventory. I think you have so many stats in this book, which are so great. I had no idea that the average American is spending up to five hours a day on social or on their phones. And up to five hours a day watching television.
Marie Forleo: Yes. Again, there’s people who are watching this show right now, like that’s definitely not me. If you actually start to pay attention, I mean sometimes I look at my own habits. There’s something we talk about in the book. I don’t know if you want to get into this or not. It might be too deep. But the distinction between can’t versus won’t.
Kris Carr: That’s the next question. Are you psychic?
Marie Forleo: I am, girl.
Kris Carr: What’s going on? Let’s do it.
Marie Forleo: Let’s do it. For anyone watching right now who feels like, “oh. I want to get rid of my excuses, but I don’t know how.” There are two four letter words that can help you really annihilate any excuse, especially around time. It’s can’t versus won’t. You might say to yourself, I can’t get myself back into that strong fit place. I just don’t have the time to work out. I can’t possibly write a book. Everything else is so busy. I can’t forgive my sister. I can’t x, y, or z. You really believe it. I’ve said those things and really believed them at times. But if you play this little game with yourself and you replace the word can’t with the word won’t, what happens 99% of the time is something much more truthful and honest. I won’t forgive her. I’m not willing. I don’t want to do the work. It’s too much, too many feelings come up. I won’t write my book because I won’t make space for it in my calendar. I want to sit and watch the Netflix. I want to watch the Stranger Things. I want to watch the Handmaid’s Tale. I want to watch the whatever it is because that’s how I’m actually spending my time.
Marie Forleo: When you insert the word won’t wherever you say can’t, nine times out of ten you’re going to feel this surge of lightness because you’re finally being honest. Again, won’t means you’re not willing, you don’t want to put in the time, or it’s not more important than your other priorities that you’ve already stated you must focus on. When you get real with yourself like that, it doesn’t make you lazy. It makes you honest. I think that when we’re really in that space of truth telling between us and us, that’s where the real magic can happen. The excuses fall away. You’re like, oh. I don’t want to write a book right now. You know why? Because I’m not. I don’t want to learn to speak Italian right now, you know why Kris? Because I’m not. In my free time I’m actually doing other things like hanging out with you or going on roller coasters, or watching that Stranger Things, or whatever it is. Because that’s what I want to do. I think that there is just a lot to be gained from all of us in that exercise of can’t versus won’t, and really working to eliminate excuses out of our life.
Kris Carr: That was such a powerful reframe for me because with the won’t, switching it from can’t because I do say can’t more than I’d like to say after I read that chapter. I had to do a little self-analysis. When I did the reframe I was like, okay. Basically, if it truly is a won’t, then it’s I’m making a healthy boundary. That’s okay. I can let it go and move onto other things like you’re saying. I also got something else, which is I got this surge of fire. I’d have to basically say, do you need to go to Spanky Town USA right now? Is that the trip that you’re going to take? Not first class in the back towards the bathroom. Because what it did was it actually really made me challenge my beliefs. Like, really? Really you won’t. Truly you won’t because you want to stay in your comfort zone. Why is this won’t coming up? Then when I was doing that exercise, I realized okay. I’m just digging my heels in. I’m just being stubborn. I’m just scared. I’m just scared.
Marie Forleo: Yes.
Kris Carr: To do something I’ve never done before.
Marie Forleo: There you go. Then we start having a real conversation between us and us, and fear is totally figureoutable.
Kris Carr: Fear. The F word. The other F word.
Marie Forleo: The F word you must embrace.
Kris Carr: Yes, you must and don’t offend yourself as Marie would say. I want you to tell a story because although, I don’t like that this happened to you because I never want your knees to be skinned ever, I love the story of when you wiped out on the rental scooter. Can you talk about that?
Marie Forleo: Yes. Oh my goodness. So Josh and I were on a vacation. Usually, we’d try… At this stage in my life, I try and do one adventure with him a year. This is a couple years ago. We were so excited to be in Italy. It was a particular place where the way you get around is on scooter. There’s not that many cars on this particular island. I hadn’t ridden a scooter in like 20 years. I was like, oh it can’t be that difficult. I can totally do this. We rented these scooters. This is like in the middle of July, which it is hot as anything in Europe in the middle of July. I had on shorts, and sneakers, and we’re going over this rental place. I don’t speak much Italian. The folks who ran… The woman who was actually the owner of the rental place didn’t speak much English. While we were renting our scooters, she’s like “hey,” basically, “do you need us to tell you what to do?” I was like, “yes. Please tell me anything. Tell me everything.”
Marie Forleo: She walked me through the motions. She’s like, “like this to give break. Like this to give gas”. I was like, “okay amazing.” I thought I got it. Put on the helmet. Josh and I are going out in front of the rental scooter place. I cannot believe. I don’t even know how this happened. Somehow I both gassed it and braked it like full on at the same time.
Kris Carr: Girl.
Marie Forleo: Within like three seconds, the scooter popped, flipped, landed on top of me on the asphalt. It was, I cannot even believe. I don’t even know how it happened. Thank god there were no other cars around. There were no other scooters around. I didn’t break anything, which was a miracle.
Kris Carr: Total miracle.
Marie Forleo: Because I landed on bare skin. The folks from the rental scooter place and Josh, they heaved the bike off of me. I don’t know if any of you guys relate. Have you ever tripped or something bad happens? You fall or there’s some type of accident and you feel this wave of shame?
Kris Carr: Totally.
Marie Forleo: Like this total wave of shame and embarrassment. Like even though you’ve almost practically died, like you’re like, “oh my god. I’m such an idiot.” I was so engulfed with embarrassment and humiliation. Also, just physically shaken up. It was the same feeling like when Josh and I were hit pretty bad in an accident several years ago. Where your body is just vibrating. Of course, the folks in the rental agency were like, “oh.”
Kris Carr: Don’t sue us.
Marie Forleo: “Don’t sue us. Let’s take that bike back. Why don’t we give him a bigger bike and you can just sit on the back and be a passenger?” And la, la, la, la, look around Italy. In that moment, I had a choice. It was the choice of get back up and learn to ride, or be a passenger. I chose get back up and learn to ride because I didn’t want the fear of scooters, and scootering, and driving to calcify in my bones. I knew that I’d done this before. I knew that if I had better instruction, that I could totally do it. I took it really slow and I had them explain to me. I just breathe through the fear and I got really present and didn’t try and make it go away. But just actually experienced all of it. It was just a great reminder about how often all of us wipe out in life. Like all of us. Whether it’s physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, creatively. All of us face plant. It’s not a matter of whether or not we are going to face plant. The matter is, are you going to get back up and ride again?
Kris Carr: Well you say, just because I made a mistake and messed up didn’t mean I was going to give up. When I read that, I wrote right next to it, that is so her. That’s so her. Meanwhile, I would’ve hired a driver for my vespa. That is not so me. I would be like, “Stanley.”
Marie Forleo: You would have your gin and tonic.
Kris Carr: I would.
Marie Forleo: You would.
Kris Carr: Absolutely. I would need a lot of time to recover from that. Another thing that I appreciate, and this is something that I live by. It’s that you can’t amputate any emotions. You can’t eliminate them. They’re all welcome to the party, welcome to the table. It’s not about crushing fear, eliminating fear, annihilating fear.
Marie Forleo: Correct.
Kris Carr: Also, violent by the way. It is about learning to receive the messages because fear is so, so smart. You talk about this. Fear for me was I feel something, I better go to the doctor. Thank goodness for that fear. The trick that you talk about, which I want you to unpack more is like, how do you determine what our messages, and how do you get out of a place of paralysis?
Marie Forleo: Yes. Distinguishing the difference between fear and intuition. One of the baseline ideas that I’m proposing in the book is that outside of the fear of walking in front of a moving bus, or a train, which is really healthy fear. Keeps you alive. Most other fear we fell, most other, not all of it. These days it’s actually directive. Fear is like a GPS for where your soul most wants to go. Fear just like an infant, or like a beautiful little puppy, or even a dog, a baby or an animal doesn’t have language skills. Kuma, my dog, barks his head off when he’s trying to tell me something. There’s the UPS guy at the door. I want to play ball, any number of things. Or like babies. Change my diaper, I’m hungry, I’m not feeling good. They’re making sounds. They’re giving you a signal and you have to interpret that signal correctly. Fear is the same way.
Marie Forleo: She’s your friend. She is not waving her hands up and down, making you feel something to say stop, don’t do it. She’s like, do it for fuck sake. This is the thing I’m trying to get you to pay attention to because it’s where your soul wants you to go. That’s kind of lesson number one. Then the question that always comes up for people is, how do I tell the difference between fear and intuition? Healthy fear that I should move through, and grow through, versus my intuition going no. This is not a good place for you. You need to dial it back. There’s this really simple test that I’ve used my whole life. Obviously after you’ve done your logical reasoning, thinking, pro/con list saying “do I actually want to do this?”. You’re looking at these two opportunities on paper and you can’t decide if it’s fear or intuition. By the way, this most often happens when your ego is involved. When there’s an opportunity and there’s either great prestige, you think you’re going to get ahead of the pack, you think there’s a lot of money involved, you think somehow you’re going to be like, I’m the big shot right now.
Marie Forleo: Something in you is like, don’t do it. Don’t say yes. Here’s the thing. Get really still, get really quiet. Close your eyes. You have to go inside for this. You’re going to ask yourself a simple question. Does the idea of moving ahead with this opportunity, with this person, with this job, with this gig, whatever it is, make me feel expansive or contracted? The moment you ask yourself that question if you are tuned inside, if you close your eyes, I guarantee you this. The nanosecond after you ask that question, your body is actually going to answer for you. There is going to be a visceral, physical response. Expansive will often feel like you’re moving forward in space or like a lightness in your chest or your shoulders are backing down. Or your chin is lifted. If we were talking in Marie Kondo terms, like something inside would spark joy. It’s just this feeling. Even if you’re a little scared about it, it still feels like this.
Marie Forleo: Contraction on the other hand, it’s like a sense of dread, or heaviness in your belly, or your shoulder hunching down. Or even subconsciously your head shaking no. Or just something is pulling back, even if it doesn’t make logical sense. I offer that to people because first of all, it’s always worked in my life. Two, anyone I’ve taught it too, they’re like, “oh my goodness. This is genius. I know instantly.” Here’s the thing. You have to be willing to take that leap of faith because oftentimes, the deal, the opportunity looks real good on paper, but your instinct knows way better. There’s so much more wisdom in your body then in your logical, reasonable mind. Just most of us in today’s society, we’re just living from the neck up. We’re so sedentary that we’ve lost our ability to tap into this wisdom.
Kris Carr: We do that a lot together when we get on Skype because we don’t live close to each other. You know, we Skype.
Marie Forleo: A lot.
Kris Carr: Most days.
Marie Forleo: We Skype and FaceTime constantly.
Kris Carr: I can’t count the number of times we’ve said to each other, what does your body say?
Marie Forleo: Totally.
Kris Carr: And boy, does that answer come.
Marie Forleo: It’s Shakira, right? The hips don’t lie, the body don’t lie.
Kris Carr: Exactly. Exactly. I want to tell a little story, and you’re going to help me with this story because something that you do so well and you’ve helped me with is some of our fears are vague. When we keep them vague, we can’t really understand them. For the longest time, I’ve had a fear of…
Marie Forleo: Roller coasters. Oh my gosh. You guys, wait. Can I just tell you that I didn’t really know this. One time we were at dinner with a bunch of friends. I was like, Kris.
Kris Carr: Oh my gosh.
Marie Forleo: Kris, when was the last time you were on a roller coaster. She was sitting next to me and I looked over and she literally started bawling. I was like, holy shit. You started crying right there.
Kris Carr: Do you know why I started crying?
Marie Forleo: Tell us.
Kris Carr: Because you can persuade… you can sell shit to a horse. I knew what was coming. I was crying because I saw my future self on a fucking roller coaster, that’s why I was crying.
Marie Forleo: Oh my goodness.
Kris Carr: Here’s the thing. This is so magical. We’re in LA together. We’re doing that little artist retreat where you’re working on the book and I’m working on a meditation album. We get together and have lunch. Share what we had done that done. Then you’re like, we’re going to Universal Studios. Is that where we were?
Marie Forleo: Yes. Because we both love scary movies and it was October, Halloween Fest.
Kris Carr: Which I’m all in for all the time. I said to you. I will go to this establishment with you if you do not bring up roller coasters. I’m not doing it.
Marie Forleo: Y’all, you want to see my face when she said that.
Kris Carr: Yeah, exactly.
Marie Forleo: I was just like…
Kris Carr: She’s not having it.
Marie Forleo: I was not having it.
Kris Carr: It didn’t matter. This is why this is so great. You literally gave me a lightning laser coaching. I know what’s coming from you and I do this myself. It’s like, but still. You’re like, okay. Let’s talk about the fear. Let’s really unpack it because that’s very vague and amorphous, and big. So are you afraid that you’re going to fall out? Because there’s a bar that goes… What’s that called?
Marie Forleo: Depending on which ride we went on. It’s on over harness so I’m explaining to Kris all of the different things. I know y’all. They’re going to come in the comments. Sometimes they fail. Shut the F up. I’m in the middle of doing my business with my girl.
Kris Carr: What do you mean sometimes they fail?
Marie Forleo: I tell her this now. Exactly. She’s been on a roller coaster. She’s good. Yes, but we went through the details.
Kris Carr: We went through it all.
Marie Forleo: Absolutely.
Kris Carr: You’re like, are you afraid you’re going to pee a little bit?
Marie Forleo: You’re going to throw up.
Kris Carr: Have you ever peed before in your pants?
Marie Forleo: Is it vertigo?
Kris Carr: As an adult, like what is it?
Marie Forleo: Interviewing her.
Kris Carr: She interviewed me like the best, like Barbara Walters. Like Oprah until I was basically like, yeah. What am I afraid of? This might be fun. Cut to me screaming, laughing, crying, holding onto you for dear life and having the time of my life.
Marie Forleo: Yes. Then so after I took her on her first roller coaster she’s like, what else we got? I was like, boom.
Kris Carr: You did another one.
Marie Forleo: It’s done. But the lesson for all of us, I think our fears do stay so amorphous in our minds. One of the things we talk about in Everything is Figureoutable, we take you through all these different exercises. One of them is a way to take your fears that are the big, scary, boogie men in the corner that all of us have. Get them down on the page so we can look at them, and we can investigate them. Then oftentimes they’re a little more than a figureoutable paper tigers.
Kris Carr: That’s right. Thank you for that.
Marie Forleo: You’re welcome.
Kris Carr: In my programs, there’s so many people over the years who have introduced themselves as a multi-passionate entrepreneur.
Marie Forleo: Have they really?
Kris Carr: Yes.
Marie Forleo: Yes they have.
Kris Carr: Yes. This is a phrase that you coined and I love it. I’m like, you must have been through B-School. You know my best girl, Marie, don’t you? What I love about this is it gives so many people who have so much creativity they don’t know where to put it, and they feel so tormented by not being able to choose one thing.
Marie Forleo: To call themselves.
Kris Carr: Yeah. You talk about this so eloquently in the book and how over the years, that really tormented you too. Until you came up with this phrase. I’m wondering if you could talk about that.
Marie Forleo: Yeah. Absolutely. I think that so many folks in this world come out of the womb and as they are children and develop into teenagers, they know what they want to do. Like Josh for example. He knew he wanted to be an actor. Knew it, he is one. That’s his whole life. I know other people who are like very clear. I want to be a writer. I love those people. God bless them. They are amazing. For so many years I couldn’t stand myself because I wasn’t one of them. Even as a kid, when adults would ask me, what do you want to be when you grow up? I was like, I want to be a teacher, and a dancer, and a model, and an artist. It was literally I would go around. The adults were just like, wait what?
Kris Carr: All of it? Okay.
Marie Forleo: All of it. Especially early on in my career, I just felt broken because every time people would ask me, what do you do for a living, no matter what I was doing but especially after I’d started my business, and I was bartending and waiting tables. Then I had my coaching practice. Then once I added on dance and fitness, and hip hop, and all this stuff. I just felt like such a misfit, like I didn’t fit in. All of the career books, and the success books at that time gave a different version of the same advice. Which was, pick one thing, be really freaking good at that one thing, and that’s how you’re going to be successful. Any time I tried to follow that advice, I felt like I was cutting off a freaking limb. It felt so unnatural to me. Every time someone would ask me at a party or just at any type of social event. So what do you do? I would want to run away in shame and hide, because I never had a good answer ever.
Marie Forleo: Then one day I just got a gift from what I would call the career gods, or the creative gods. Where this phrase multi-passionate entrepreneur just appeared in my mental theater. Then when someone asked me what I did, like I didn’t plan it. It just popped out of my mouth. It completely gave me a new context for how I saw myself, which then gave me a completely new way to interact and relate to people. That felt so much more natural. I think the thing for me is I never fit into a conventional box. I think there’s so many people that don’t. But we didn’t really have language to describe how multi-gifted, talented, passionate that we are. Yeah, it’s a silly phrase. It doesn’t really mean anything. For me, it was really meaningful because it gave me a new way to self-identify, and talk about the fact that I’m different and unique. This is what I’m working on right now and here’s what I’m passionate about, and here’s what’s going this way, that way. I just love that people have adopted it for themselves in their own ways. Because I think there’s a lot of us that feel like we don’t fit into the traditional model.
Kris Carr: I can reflect on you. I know that this is relatable for so many people out there. Is all of the different careers that you’ve had, and all of the passions that you’ve had over these last decades, they’ve all brought you where you are today.
Marie Forleo: Yes.
Kris Carr: For those folks who are like, “oh I can’t possibly do that.” If you had a crystal ball and you saw where you were going, you would realize actually you need to do that thing. So that when you arrive at the place where you’re destined to go, you’ve got that skill.
Marie Forleo: Totally. The experiences, the skill set, the blending of it. I think more in our world and where we’re going in the future is I see this a lot on Team Forleo. It’s like we have magical unicorns on our team that can do many different kinds of things. I love that our world is shifting in that direction. Again, if you are that kind of person who is born, I do this one thing and that is it. God bless you. We adore you. If you don’t happen to be that, don’t feel shame. Don’t feel embarrassment. Join the multi passionate creative party and welcome to it.
Kris Carr: Welcome to it. Something you and I do at the end of every year is what I want to talk about. Because you did this last year and here we are. Well actually you did this in 2018, right? Anyway, we have this end of year journaling practice. We basically get both of our journals out, we get all of our…
Marie Forleo: Gel pens.
Kris Carr: Gel pens.
Marie Forleo: Very colored and sparkly.
Kris Carr: Super colorful, super sparkly and we go to town. We look back to spring forward. We also write down what our goals are, what our dreams are, what we want the next year to look like. Then we share that. One of the things that I love about that is you take this very seriously. Weeks before she starts asking me if I’ve done rough drafts. For real. She’s like, you know we’re meeting at 2:00 on that Saturday to go through this.
Marie Forleo: Y’all. You think it’d be real fun to be friends with me. Sometimes it’s not. People think it would be so fun. No, I’m a pain in the ass. But a good pain in the ass.
Kris Carr: Anyway, I remember when you wrote down this book. What I love about this and why I wanted to talk about it is, you don’t just write down a goal. This is something that you talk about in Everything is Figureoutable. You write down that goal, but then you make it measurable, and actionable, and very specific. It’s not just I want to write a book. It’s like, I want the first draft done by December 31st. I’m going to do one hour a day, so forth, and so on. Can you talk about why that’s so important?
Marie Forleo: To have that clarity?
Kris Carr: Yeah.
Marie Forleo: Yeah. I feel like one of the biggest reasons is we all have this magical genie in our brain who will work 24/7/365 to help us bring our dreams and goals to life if we know how to use it. It’s this part of our brain called the reticular activating system. We all have it. Little context. We are all bombarded with billions of bits of information constantly. Yet we cannot consciously process all of it. Great example. If you’ve ever been in a restaurant that’s really busy, or a café and there’s all of the silverware falling, and the ding of just being in that hum. It’s loud, but someone calls Kris. In a moment, you can tune out everything else and look to your name because you know that that’s an important word. Same thing if you’ve ever been looking for a particular car, or shirt, or a dress or something. You’ve never seen it before and then once you hone in on it, you start seeing it everywhere.
Marie Forleo: That’s your reticular activating system at work helping you identify in the world what you have determined is important. A lot of folks don’t get clear and specific on what exactly they want. They don’t give that genie what she needs to help you bring it to life. Which is a clear, specific, actionable goal. What happens is once you let your brain know exactly what the thing is that you want to figure out, or this dream that you want to bring to life, the most magical shit starts to happen. You start seeing all of these different opportunities to bring that dream into your life. Your subconscious mind is helping you do it when you’re not even working on it. When you’re in the shower, you get insights. All of a sudden a magazine shows up with the perfect article. Some friend sends something and you’re like, “oh I should go check that DM.” It all starts to work.
Marie Forleo: I think clarity is power. When I used to work with people one-on-one as a coach, one of the first things I would say in our coaching sessions is, “hey, I can help you get anything you want. But first, you’ve got to tell me what that is.” You would be surprised Kris at how many folks couldn’t tell me exactly what it is they wanted. That would begin our work. I think some of the reasons so many of us have been pleasing others for so long, I like to say that some of us are dream anemic. We’re like not even in touch with them because we don’t feel perhaps it’s possible. We don’t feel that we’re deserving. We don’t feel that we have what it takes. We don’t feel that we’re capable. I think this. You wouldn’t have the dream unless you already had what it takes to make it happen.
Marie Forleo: When you have the courage to articulate that dream, and then put it on paper, and make it clear and specific. If you’re like us, you use gel pens and sparkly pens. The magic just starts to happen. From a neuro science perspective, but then also from a soul perspective. Also from a pragmatic perspective. Going back to where we went before. If you say this thing is important, well then we need to start aligning your time and your energy with helping to bring it about. I work my buns off for this book, which you know. It would have never happened just by writing it down. It was tons of early mornings, and late nights, and working on it in the back of taxis, and on subways, and do you know what I mean? In the little places just to get it done. That clarity piece is everything. Because if we don’t have that, we can’t do all of the other strategies, and really important work that we need to make it come to life.
Kris Carr: Does this dovetail into starting before you’re ready?
Marie Forleo: Oh yes.
Kris Carr: Go ahead.
Marie Forleo: No.
Kris Carr: Go. I want you to.
Marie Forleo: Start before you’re ready?
Kris Carr: Yeah.
Marie Forleo: That’s, I think, one of the things that stops us. One of the things that has stopped me is not feeling like I’m ready. Like I’m not ready to go for this big opportunity. I don’t know enough. I’m not educated enough. I’m not experienced enough. I think when I first started my business I just felt like I wasn’t old enough because I was 23. Quite frankly, I was pretty young and pretty green. However, most of us can believe this little lie called I’m not ready yet. I think one of the other things 20 years in this business has given me is a lot of perspective. There’s been a lot of people I’ve been able to interview on this couch. Some of the most successful folks in the world have all started before they felt ready. I think it’s just another one of those mantras that if we can train ourselves to bypass that, I’m not ready yet, and just dive in and get started. And learn as we go, and be okay with being messy, and naïve, and being sucky. I’m so sucky at everything I do when I first start out. I’m fucking…
Kris Carr: Kind of not.
Marie Forleo: No, I am. You don’t see everything.
Kris Carr: I see a lot.
Marie Forleo: You see a lot of things. Here’s the thing-
Kris Carr: No. You’re absolutely right. The point is, is that you’re not supposed to be at the finish line when you first start.
Marie Forleo: That’s right. Every single pro was once an amateur. Y’all can watch my earliest videos, not that it’s like oh my god they’re so great now. All the ones from the brick wall, me just looking into my webcam. They’re all right there. You can see the progression over time. I have certainly gotten better and gotten more comfortable because I’ve been doing it more. But you never get to the there if you don’t start here.
Kris Carr: Right. You’re never about chasing perfection. That’s the other thing. I know we’re going through so many of these important mantras because they’ve given so many people permission to really go for it and live their best lives. I love that about you. I love that you share that with every single person that you know. Don’t worry about perfection. It’s awful. It’s a dream-killer, as you would say. Go for progress.
Marie Forleo: Progress not perfection. I think that’s probably another one. It’s hard in terms of the world that we’re in right now and people seeing everybody on the ‘gram. People honestly, they look at us and they’ll look at our show and be like, all your shit is so perfect. I’m like, you guys. You don’t see everything. We catch stuff and we fix it. Perfectionism is deadly. This was another interesting thing in the research that I did. There was a study done where the folks, people who committed suicide. They interviewed their family and friends. They found that over half of the folks who took their own lives were self-professed perfectionists. Perfectionism is not just something about the way that you do things in the world. It’s a very unhealthy way that you see yourself. As though you’re deficient, and that you’re not enough. I think the thing I’d like to say to everyone, because I have perfectionistic tendencies. There’s a big distinction between having high standards, and being a perfectionist.
Marie Forleo: You can have high standards and have it be really healthy and helpful, and you can still move ahead––progress not perfection––without falling into the trap of perfectionism, which is where you beat yourself up. You don’t allow yourself to grow and you never actually put things out there to iterate over time because you’re so nervous about being judged.
Kris Carr: Let’s talk about writing a little bit. This book obviously is going to change so many lives. The people who have had the privilege, like myself of reading an advanced copy, have already experienced that change. It really is such a gift to the world.
Marie Forleo: Thank you.
Kris Carr: So thank you. Thank you. But I want to know how writing this book has changed your life.
Marie Forleo: I think that it has really made me understand some of the things that I’ve known intuitively more clearly from a scientific perspective. Like doing a lot of the research that I didn’t know that was out there. Understanding even more about the brain, and the body, and the mind connection. And being able to share a lot of that in the book. Then I think for me as a human being, writing the book… Quite honestly, I think this happens for anyone who creates. One of the biggest challenges to writing this book was actually figuring out how to write it. I said, isn’t this a great kick in the ass? Right? The girl who’s writing everything is figureoutable, has to figure out how to write the damn book. I mean I have called you on Skype so many times. Crying, going, I’m going to send the damn check back.
Kris Carr: I was like, don’t do that.
Marie Forleo: Don’t do that. It’s such a big idea. I’m really proud of myself because I feel like I did my best. I knew it was not going to be easy. The way that it’s changed me is I feel like it’s made me even more committed to the truth of this idea. Even more excited to do hard things, things that are hard for me. Because I did it and I was like, “oh wow. Okay this was brutal in some respects, but also I’m really excited that it’s done.” I feel less fearful about bigger and bigger challenges.
Kris Carr: Not only did you do it, but I remember those calls where there were some tears occasionally. I was like, “don’t send the check back. Let’s keep the check.” But then after you handed it in, you’re like, oh I have an idea for my next book.
Marie Forleo: Can I tell you guys, both her and Josh were like, “are you serious? You just made me promise you that I wouldn’t let you do this again.” I was like, “can’t help it.”
Kris Carr: Let’s go.
Marie Forleo: Exactly. Let’s go.
Kris Carr: Let’s go.
Marie Forleo: Next idea.
Kris Carr: Put the bar on. I think with you and all of us, but I really see this with you is your soul is always calling you to grow. It’s always calling you to step up, and to go bigger, and to challenge yourself. I think that the key to this book is basically we all have that feeling. But this mantra, this philosophy, this guiding principle is what allows us to do the step up. You do that absolutely.
Marie Forleo: Thank you.
Kris Carr: All the time. Every day. You do it for me. I’m just going to wrap by saying that you are my dream champion. You’re all of our dream champions. All of the people out there who just love you. Millions and millions of people, all of your fans.
Marie Forleo: Thank you.
Kris Carr: You always tell us that we have these special, unique gifts and that we got to shine our light and make our magic, and keep going for our dreams and whatnot. I just want to say, you keep doing that too because we need you to. We need you to bring us with you. Everybody, you guys, get the book. Get multiple copies. Give it to your bestie. Get on Skype. Devour it. Chat it all up. Create a book club. Join the revolution because this book will change your life. Thank you baby.
Marie Forleo: Thank you. I love you so much.
Kris Carr: I love you.
Marie Forleo: For everyone watching hopefully you get yourself a copy of this here book. I’m so excited. It’s also on Audible and it’s read by me. That was super, super fun. So if you’re not the reading of the pages type but you’re more of the audiobook type, please go ahead and get it. And let us know if you enjoyed this. Thank you so much for watching.
As always, the best conversations happen over at the magical land of marieforleo.com, so go on over and leave a comment. And if you’re not already, become an MF Insider. You’re going to get access to exclusive content and special giveaways and some personal updates that I just don’t share anywhere else. Stay on your game and keep going for your dreams because the world really does need that special gift that only you have. Thank you so much for watching and I’ll catch you next time on MarieTV.
Kris Carr: Love is figureoutable. You may not always get what you want, but sometimes you get something even deeper.