Marie Forleo introduction


I'm Marie

You have gifts to share with the world and my job is to help you get them out there.

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We humans are complex creatures.

No matter how good your intentions, you can pretty much guarantee that at some point or another, you’ll hurt those you love.  

Naturally, you’ll feel hurt by those you trust and love, too. And when you feel you’ve been wronged, that’s where things get tricky.

Because as conscious, loving and growth-minded people, we all know we “should” forgive. Forgiveness is vital to maintaining long-term relationships. (A fact we cling to when we’re the ones hoping to be forgiven!)

Forgiveness isn’t weakness. It’s the ultimate sign of courage and strength. Click To Tweet

Studies also indicate that forgiveness helps us lead happier, healthier lives. But sometimes — that whole “forgive and forget” thing doesn’t quite add up.  

There’s a pattern of transgressions.

And, something deep within you suspects that just “wiping the slate clean” is not the wisest or safest path ahead — emotionally, spiritually, financially or physically.

If you’ve ever wondered whether you really need to forgive and forget, this episode may give you a fresh perspective to consider.

Once you’ve had a chance to watch, I’d love to hear from you.

Have you ever wrestled with forgiving someone, or rebuilding trust after it’s been broken? In terms of forgiving and forgetting, what’s worked for you?

Let me know in the comments below with as much love and compassion (for yourself and others!) as you can muster*.

Share as much detail as makes good sense. Thousands of incredible souls come here each week for insight and inspiration and your story may provide a possibility of hope and healing that someone else really needs.

Important: share your thoughts and ideas directly in the comments. Links to other posts, videos, etc. will be deleted as they come across as spammy.

Looking forward to hearing your voice on this one.

Because the only way we’ll soothe pain, for ourselves and others, is by sharing our stories with open hearts and by staying open and willing to the miracle of healing.

P.S. *Yes, we know forgiveness is an enormous subject and it’s not possible to adequately cover every facet in this short format. Heck, most of us spend our entire lives trying to embrace and embody this virtue. We’re also aware of the unspeakable events that occur beyond the scope of this reader’s situation, for which forgiveness can seem outside of our current capacity.

With so much love,

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  1. Alejandra (UK)

    How timely, Marie! Two days ago Daniel Goleman said: “Recognize the harm that comes from a sour mind full of gossip and grouching. Realize that your body and mind pay the price for negative emotions, not those toward whom you’d like to retaliate. It’s your choice. You control the quality of your thoughts. Your mind will go where you point it and will develop habits according to what you feed it”. It’s an important skill if you want to up your emotional IQ. Thanks for your beautiful videos + entertainment 🙂

    • I definitely have struggled with forgiving people for things they’ve done, but I also know that forgiveness isn’t about them at all, it’s about me and healing from whatever it was they did. It doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten any of it, not at all, but I’ve let go of the toxicity of holding on to that energy.

    • Mandy - Team Forleo

      What a great quote! There’s so much truth to that. Thanks so much for sharing Daniel’s wisdom with us. 🙂

    • Could not agree with Daniel more Alejandra. Thank you for sharing his words here, and for watching our show!

    • What a beautiful quote! Thank you for sharing it with everyone 🙂

    • Christina

      I have had to forgive a lot of dreadful things, but the one I can share here was that my cousin was murdered by a drug dealer. I grew up with this cousin and the ramifications of his death were horrific (he had a young son who ended up in a bad situation). I found the following three things helpful. First I allow myself to just sit and feel all the pain and rage. I stay with it and imagine doing terrible things to this person who hurt us. I just keep feeling it until it exhausts itself (this takes a while). Then I realize that the man who did this has to be himself. He lives a life with no real empathy or connection. I think about what a toll playing Tony Soprano or Dexter took on those actors as even pretending to be a flat out sociopath was horrible. Imagine actually being that person all the time. That guy who tortured Zamperini was a miserable man who spent years in hiding. Zamperini married and went on to live a long happy life (after some therapy). Who really lost more? Finally, I see myself as the hero of my story not the victim. Terrible things happen to both the hero and the victim (Remember Luke Skywalker?) but the hero channels the pain for growth. The victim just holds on to her pain and anger. Forgiveness is the difference between victimhood and the hero’s journey. Whatever was done to you…you can use it to make yourself stronger. But first give yourself time and permission to be seriously seriously pissed.

      • Wow Christina, thank you for sharing! What a beautiful message with real ideas of how to implement something so difficult.

      • Thank you Christina, this is a powerful and applicable process that makes sense for someone dealing with significant trauma and needing a way to get to forgiveness. Thank you for your transparency and sharing such a personal story.
        Marie, I liked most of the video, there are many instances that stories work, yet telling stories of someone who has had it worse when dealing with forgiveness and trauma tends to alienate, minimize, and add feelings of shame to someone who’s already feeling all of those things.
        We don’t know what sort of betrayal the writer of the question is working to overcome in her life. The rest of your video was good solid advice. Thank you.

      • Thank you Christina! What a thoughtful and inspiring message. This connected with me at a deep level. Thank you.

      • Sarah

        Christina thanks so much for sharing this, it has deeply helped bring a new perspective to something I’ve been trying to help a member of my own family deal with. I’m going to share this process as it feels very powerful and think it could help relieve a lot of suffering. Thank you. And thanks Marie for picking such a powerful topic that affects us all!

      • Wow Christina, such wisdom and clarity. It truly is about seeing passed the hurt, accepting it’s reality and choosing to be free from it’s hold. The quote the Marie shared about resentment being the poison that you take expecting the other person to die is so true. We had an acquaintance who went through a really bad divorce and she was so angry and resentful that within a couple of years she had gone from a fairly attractive person to a wrinkly crone. The venom of her thoughts spoiled her whole face. Glad you made the choice to let it out and let it go.

      • Clare

        Christina you are definitely a hero! Your words resonated so deeply with me, thank you for sharing.

      • Thank you for your comment, I loved these lines “Forgiveness is the difference between victimhood and the hero’s journey” they are a tweetable hehe

      • Kathy

        Christina, you are inspiring. You have had to deal with a lot and you are making amazing strides in your life, that could only be made with the strength of forgiveness. I am struggling with forgiving someone after a bit of bullying. It sounds so week in comparison. You have reminded me that I have forgiven someone who raped me when I was 6 and I now have a good relationship with that person. What a thing to forget : ) Thank you, you have helped me put my situation into a better place where I can forgive the silly person who thought that she could be better by trying to drag me through some shit. I wish you all of the love, luck and peace in the world x

    • bebe

      ahh,of course i know it is best to forgive, and am in a situation that also another friend faces…live in apartment-(hawaii-yes, a paradise, and yet upstairs neighbors noisy and rude, am a senior, cannot afford to move, ongoing noise and frustrations…any suggestions? i complained once to the realty company, and the guy punched a hole in my kitchen screen window, 2 yrs. later, realty company has sent notice out for excess noise, (I guess others complained) but the woman’s voice is so whiny and very loud and her kids pound things, and jump up and down and the very heavy man stomps around-the joists squeak and they do it all hours, usually into the early hours and he’s up at 4am…he’s so heavy that he broke the shower pan and my ceiling was leaking. when they first moved in, i did not get enough sleep and was in 3 car accidents which raised my insurance. another friend sent prayers, yet is there anything else? thank you! Enjoy your posts!!

      • Amy

        That sounds like a very frustrating situation.
        Check into local laws and regulations about the following:
        1. Noise pollution/ disrupting the peace
        2. Whether reports to police are kept confidential if you request anonymity.
        In many communities there are rules about the amount of noise that is permissible, and if there is an unreasonable volume or disruptive behavior those rules may apply. However if you feel threatened it may be wise to ask in advance how your complaint will be handled. You have rights and they have rights, and it might be a good idea to talk with someone knowledgable about tenant rights and local regulations which vary by community and state. Hopefully the situation will work out in a positive way.

        • bebe

          Aloha, Amy and all whom have been kind enough to leave comments. Very much appreciated! The realty company must be aware of the law because they did sent out a memo about ‘excessive noise’. It worked for awhile, I guess that the other neighbors complained as well. I have been to the police to report that my window screen was punched in, and once when they parked rudely and blocked my parking space, I squeezed out and then called the police to ticket their vehicle and they have been more careful, but they also have a lot of vehicles and although they have two parking places, they also street park with other vehicles and do it so that they take two spaces instead of just one. I could go on as to why they are not good neighbors, but it would be senseless. Maybe just karma, or I am here to learn something…it seems like they do whatever they want and don’t care about others…a friend and i have been praying for them to move or for something better to come about; this woman’s family owns several apartments, so not sure why they choose to live here except that the rent might be cheaper than what they charge. Feel free to join the prayer wagon, for freedom! Thank you, so much!! You are appreciated and may all great blessings come your way!

      • Christine

        Bebe, Here are some choices for you: (1.) Knock on the doors of the other neighbors and ask in a polite manner if they would like to sign a petition and present this in person to the Manager of the realty company. (2.) Since you have said finance is the reason you have not moved, you can document the noise using a video camera, and go to the small claims court fill out a brief form, pay the $20.00 filing court fee and present this evidence to a Judge. Most Judges are compassionate, especially as you are a senior citizen and you have evidence of continued mental distress. You can request to receive compensation for all moving expense. The realty company are Legally obligated and it is Highly probable a Judge would act in your favor. (3.) You could also take this approach – make it difficult for them to be rude & noisy – “It is hard to be rude & inconsiderate toward someone who is acting nice.” Take them a casserole, or muffins, & say “Thank You, I really appreciate that after 11:00 this week your effort in being more quite.” You have to do this the same Day & Time each week. You were Brave enough to post on this site – You are Brave enough to get through this Bebe! 🙂

        • bebe

          Aloha, Christine! Thank you for your response. I hardly see my neighbors and the turnover is quite high; so i don’t know them, (no one really knows each other) and it seems that the realty company is aware of the problems these people cause. Unfortunately, I do not have a video camera and my phone is just a phone. These not-so-nice folks upstairs are not the kind i nor anyone would want to approach. Twice I have been in the same stores as them shopping, and could hear her shrill voice. I saw a kid throwing stuff around. Actually I did not know it was her kid until i saw her. If i took them to small claims, there is no guarantee and it would make things worse. I have taken this route before, in bad situations, and while most judges are fair, i must tell you that the rents are very high in hawaii, and housing is very limited and we have a huge homeless problem…people from other states actually are sent here from other states on a one way ticket because it’s cheaper for them, and what i have here is very cheap and below market value, although they just raised the rent. The guy gets up at 4am, but they make noise between 2am and 6am, so it is challenging. I don’t want to be a ‘negative nelly’ and i have been thinking of ways to work this out, so all comments are useful and appreciated. The realty company is aware of a big hole in my bathroom baseboard nearly two feet long that a drunken plumber they hired made months ago. he took a picture of it on his phone but it is still there. My sink just trickles water because the pipes are old and blocked. The reason i do not want to complain is because after the first year, I have been on a month to month and i have been here for about 8 years. Once I called the woman at the realty company, as i did not find that they deposited my check, and there is a late charge so I wanted to make sure she got it and she yelled at me and threatened to evict me, so i have to be cautious about things. Just because things are illegal doesn’t mean people correct what is wrong. It seems unfair, but i do not want to give up; i believe in possibilities, but one has to ask, and preferably with love and not fear. Thank you again!

      • Bebe
        I have been in similar situations with upstairs neighbors who lifted
        weights, dropped them on the floor. Talking politely to them didn’t help.
        Begin to look for a different living situation- a location where you can have peace and quiet. It may take some time, maybe put some of your
        Belongings in storage and move to a smaller affordable apartment. We can forgive, but there are times when literally moving is necessary – rather than suffering through the turmoil of bad upstairs neighbors,
        or any kind of a really bad neighbor.

        • bebe

          Aloha, Carol! Thank you also for your comments. Yes, being nice to people does not always help. I have picked things up for her when she dropped them in passing her on the walkway and in other small ways, As i mentioned, living space in Hawaii is limited unless you can afford it. Even then, limited situations. I do have my list of the ideal situation, and need to work on that more, so that is a good reminder. Yes, moving would be a nice option, however limited it may seem, so I am not giving up hope! Thank you for your understanding!

      • Janette

        Bebe, I am sorry you have to deal with this situation – it’s frustrating and I have had to deal with something similar, but not as bad as yours. Others have already give you great suggestions. I just wanted to add something that worked for me, twice!! I had noisy neighbors and I got the idea from a book I was reading at the time, I started praying for the neighbor to find a better place to live, maybe a nice house instead of an apartment, somewhere they can be comfortable and do what they needed to do without bothering anyone and/or being bothered… I did this everyday for almost a month… and they moved 🙂 just try it.

        • bebe

          Aloha, Janette! Thank you! Yes, as i mentioned, a friend who is Arkansas, helped with prayer as well, and it was very much appreciated. It did seem to tone things down a little, but now I send prayers to her and a friend in CA…they are both dealing with cancer, and ‘Z’ in Arkansas is a holistic healer and has tried many modalties, even now trying chemo, which is painful for her, so if you can spare prayers for her on your list and “C” in Bakersfield, I would be ever so grateful! I have never personally met ‘Z’ but thru email from ‘C’ who was on a tour when i was a tour coordinator and treasure her as well. Thank you so much! I will keep praying!

    • Indeed, Marie’s videos are wise and beautiful.
      Forgiveness is to a large extent a Christian concept. Jesus on the cross said: forgive them for they know not what they do. On other occasions he did not express forgiveness, but rather demanded justice and punishment. The universe does not forgive nor does it forget. Every action carries consequences known as karma. We have to look deeply at the meaning of the word forgiveness. How do we define it? Does every person have different understanding of the concept? If you say you have to forget what was done to you, you are denying your past experiences and the lessons you have learned.
      I think most people use the word forgiveness to denote a letting go of negative emotions and attachment to negative experiences. Do we condone the harm that was done to us? No! Do we want the people who keep harming us to stay in our life? No! Do we want them to pay a price for harming us? Yes! Do we want to forget our past experiences? No!
      So, what does it mean to forgive? It is just a letting go of people and of negative emotions. Letting go is letting go. It is not forgiveness.

      • Shannon

        Gloria, I loved your thoughts of karma and also the demand of justice or punishment… I Have felt bad for wanting “that” someone to understand my pain and wanting “justice”. Reading your thoughts makes me rethink… Thanks for your thoughts… Also Marie, amen to someone saying out loud that forgiveness does not mean allowing that person in your life. For some reason many think true forgivness is allowing them back in at all cost…

        • bebe

          For Gloria and Shannon- my friend who complains to me a lot about the people who live downstairs of her and makes a lot of noise is resentful of them and although in some instances we can choose to shut people out of our lives, that is not always possible. that does not mean that we continue to be in the shadow of their abuse or rudeness or remain a victim, however, it is important to be clear that you cannot change other people, and you sometimes have to change your attitude and look for the blessing in the situation to change things. My friend admitted that the woman gave her something for Christmas and she called it a piece of junk, instead of seeing that this was her neighbor’s way of trying to make peace and amends. Admittedly, for me, not always easy, but as Marie and others have mentioned, why give yourself poison, hoping that someone else will be affected? As Marianne Williamson says, and also in the channeled book miracles…whose name i cannot recall-‘if it’s not love, it’s fear’. Also remember, that anything you do to create more drama and karma reflects on you and is carried with you unless you choose to release it.
          here are some Marianne W. quotes…
          1- Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.

          2- Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real miracle is the love that inspires them. In this sense everything that comes from love is a miracle.

          3- We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be?

          4- Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.

          5- The new midlife is where you realize that even your failures make you more beautiful and are turned spiritually into success if you became a better person because of them. You became a more humble person. You became a more merciful and compassionate person.

          6- The key to abundance is meeting limited circumstances with unlimited thoughts.

          7- Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.

    • This was awesome and right on time.

    • So, so timely Marie!

      I’ve been dealing with one of these situations and it finally clicked when I realized I needed to let it go because it was holding me back, not because of what the other person deserves, but because staying angry is hurting me. Loved your steps!

      The courage and strength of the victims and families in Charleston taught us all a lesson. It’s putting it into practice that’s the kicker. But if they can…

    • Vicki

      Thank you, Marie, for another wise and witty commentary. You are so insightful! There’s someone I just can’t seem to shake my resentment towards, but I like how you said being willing is a first step. Thank you!

  2. Anne Ricci

    Hi Marie,
    I love this episode. That about being willing is very powerful. I will use it, starting today!
    Seriously, I’ve read SO much about forgiveness (I even wrote an article about it on Tiny Buddha), but you make it sound accessible and doable.
    Let’s all take action! 🙂
    Thanks so much!

    • The “willingness” piece is like a cracking open a window to let in the morning light. Powerful indeed!

      • Marie,
        Great analogy.
        I’ve wasted lots of time hating and resenting those who have
        been low and disgusting towards me, sometimes hurting me just to make their wives happy and gloating at my sadness.
        No more. I’ll have a sad or angry thought, then remember they are pathetic, can’t help themselves, I forgive them because they are of poor character. But I can help myself. I moved to the countryside, open my door in the morning, take in the fresh air, get ready for a new day, a new life and I’m feel in’ good, as the song goes.
        Thanks Marie for all that you do.

  3. I love that Nelson Mandela quote! I’d never heard it before but I have written it on a sticky and put it on my computer for a reminder this week.

    Resentment does seem to slowly eat away at your spirit. Sometimes it can feel good, even justified. It’s not vengeance, but without seeking vengeance holding out forgiveness and resenting someone can seem like a close second. But you’re right, Marie, that it just isn’t doing anything for us who are holding onto it, especially if we’re waiting around for an apology that just ain’t coming.

    I find it easier to forgive people with whom I’m not in as close of a relationship with than the people I’m closest too. That may be true for most people as well, but the stranger who cuts me off in the parking lot or the angry customer on the phone is a lot less of slight than a close friend lying.

    I think the way back to forgiveness for me has always been bringing into question why I value the relationship in the first place. There’s no point in not forgiving the person if their relationship brings me loads of joy otherwise. For the people who don’t bring me up, if there’s ever any resentment it is often also a good time to distance myself so I can focus on surrounding myself with the people that do.

    Great, focused topic today, Marie! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

    • Mandy - Team Forleo

      Thinking back to why you value the relationship is so smart! It totally makes sense what you’re saying about how it’s harder to forgive the people closest to you, though those are often the people we have the best relationships with. It sounds like you’ve got a great perspective—thanks for sharing your wisdom with us.

  4. As always, another great episode and as Anne said, you make the concept a lot more accessible than others have for me – thank you 🙂

    What really stuck out to me in this episode it the reminder of the power of our thoughts over our feelings and happiness.

    Thanks for the tools to use them to my advantage!

    • Yes Catherine, many of us miss the fact that we have the power within us to change our thoughts. As the saying goes “anything we think only has the meaning we give it”, the up side to that is we can give it any meaning we want AND we can choose to give thoughts a new meaning. How powerful is that?

  5. The more I practice forgiveness, the more I realise that after you forgive for when you were “wronged”, you are left with a lot of forgiveness that you need to “do on yourself”.

    Forgiving is essential. Because after you release the emotional weight of having someone who you need to forgive, you’ll peel that layer off only to realise that now you’re left with:
    – forgiving yourself for allowing this situation to happen,
    – forgiving yourself for sometimes thinking that you’re not enough, BECAUSE you allowed this situation to happen,
    – forgiving yourself any feelings of jealousy or comparisonitus.

    So many layers of self-forgiveness below each event where we feel we’ve been wronged.

    Thank you, Marie, for shining the light on forgiveness for the thousands of your followers. It’s trully essential we pill of those layers of resenting others to reach a stat of accepting ourselves. <3

    • *pill off & *state

      I got so excited by the topic I forgot to proof before hitting send 😉

    • Mandy - Team Forleo

      So true, Kat. Self-forgiveness is a crucial step in the healing process. <3

    • Karin

      This is all very true, and I try to do that but I can’t seem to succeed. I often find myself thinking about past situations (even from my childhood!) and I cannot seem to ‘forgive myself’ or just let go of the fact that I simply didn’t know better at time. Does anyone have any suggestions? Thank you very much.



      • bebe

        journal, journal, journal. write every day. write and ask a question with the dominant hand and let the non dominant hand answer, write , write, write. count your blessings. add every day to your gratitude list…even a great reminder for me!!

  6. This is always a good one to hear Marie! Thank you! Knowing forgiveness is a gift to yourself is also knowing you deserve that gift. Don’t drink the poison;)

  7. Susan Gregory

    Love it, thanks Marie! Forgiving someone is always an opportunity for growth. As I heard on a recent coaching course, it can be fun to think of it as an AFOG (Another F***ing Opportunity for Growth). Excuse the profanity, I just love the way it lightens the mood when we spot opportunities like these 🙂

    • Haha. I love it! I’ve never heard of that before … I’ll be able to throw that in as a one-liner with my friends!!

  8. Aleks

    Maria and team,
    great episode and so timely for me. I’m 37 weeks pregnant and my husband hasn’t been very supportive throughout this pregnancy which has made me very stressed. Add that to the emotions and hormones of a pregnant lady, and at times it seems like no amount of meditation or calming thoughts helps.

    I realize now that the only way to let go of the pain is to forgive and I had been wishing for a long time that he will somehow come to his senses, but I’m ready to let go – and forgive myself and forgive him (steps 1 & 2).

    In the meantime, I’ve been surrounding myself with supportive friends.

    • Aleks, I’m so happy to hear that you’re being kind to yourself and taking the very powerful steps to surround yourself with the support and love you need. You’re demonstrating the power we have to be proactive in our lives — especially during difficult times. We’re sending you and your baby enormous love! Keep being good to yourself. XOXO

      • Aleks

        Thank you Marie!
        Touched by your response.
        I love you guys and am so thankful for the progress I have been making due to your wonderful Tuesday classes. Filling my cup with self-care allows me to take better care of my self, my son and the upcoming baby girl. Thank you again!

        • bebe

          I agree! And sometimes you have to actually ask for what it is that you need. Sometimes guys/or anyone else are not mind readers. Asking nicely helps unless he is so unapproachable that this is not possible. Sometime also the thought of having a baby is frightening to guys and they are too proud to ask…maybe have a little talk? Having friends, or meeting with others who have been pregnant might help? Does the hospital or any other resources they might have be able to help you with this? Good luck and happiness and health to you all!

  9. A+ to that tweetable! Very well said. I also love the separation you set that trust isn’t the same as forgiveness. I often feel like forgiving is like me saying “Its ok” when it wasn’t. Separating the two makes it a lot easier to accept what forgiveness really is and realize what it’s not. <3

    • Mandy - Team Forleo

      That’s a really good point! It may even do more damage for the person in need of forgiveness to think things are okay when they’re really not.

    • Totally agree Denise. being able to separate the two also provides a whole lot of freedom to be able to forgive, as we then don’t have to feel like we are making a choice to condone something that does not deserve condoning.

  10. This is a topic that really resonates with me. I’ve had 2 close relationships (one with a friend and the other with a family member) where I had to really push myself to choose forgiveness.

    In both relationships there had been a long history of manipulation and control–to which I also had to choose to forgive myself because I felt so stupid for not seeing it before it was too late.

    I was able to forgive for all of the reasons that Marie discussed in the video … It was more for me than them, and because it allowed me to experience freedom from what happened.

    For me–it was vital to learn boundaries in relationships and to understand that even though I forgave, I did not put trust back in either person ( just as Marie said). I wish I would have been able to do that–but they had broken my trust and continued to be manipulative.

    However, I’m extremely grateful to be able to understand what manipulation looks like and I’ve gotten very good at saying “No” and setting solid boundaries in a lot areas of my life because of this.

    The tips in this video actually work and can help you if you’re willing to forgive.

    • Thanks for sharing your story Bryce. Loving boundaries are a beautiful thing!

    • em

      Bryce, I understand completely, having very similar experiences.

      I’ve found it really helpful to work towards truly believing that their actions were about them, not me. And from there you can only wish that they seek help with their own issues and forgive them. You take a big deep breath and let it all go.

      But as Marie points out, that doesn’t mean you’ll trust them again.

      • Wow–I never really thought about it like that. When you put it as in “their actions were about them, not me” it really is bringing clarity to me I never considered. Thank you for sharing that with me–I really appreciate it.

  11. Darn good advice! Great words of wisdom as always. 🙂

  12. Katie Henry

    Thanks for sharing this Marie. I am having a hard time with forgiveness lately. I dated a guy on and off for 9 years. After I thought things were goign well and we were finally moving forward to the next step of our relationship, he told me he was dating someone else. AND also that she might be the one…..wait WHAT?!? I had no clue (looking back there were some red flags) and I thought I was the one. Needless to say I was very hurt and can’t trust him at all BUT he still wants to talk and stay friends. I am having a very heard time forgiving him and moving on. I have “said” I forgive him and even wrote a forgiveness letter to him and to myself which was very powerful but I feel like I need to go deeper.

    • Kristin - Team Forleo

      Be gentle and patient with yourself, Katie! xo

    • Hi Katie, not an unusual challenge. You might consider, for what purpose are you feeling resentment? (or whatever the feeling is). Is that feeling serving you, ie doing any good?

      Re him wanting to stay friends, know that he has made a request, you are not obliged to agree. Sometimes we just can’t. To me it is a bit like him wanting to have his cake and eat it too. In a way it is almost disrespectful to want to keep you close. What is his purpose for keeping you close? Are you his backup plan? Would you really want to be his backup plan? If he dropped her and came back to you, would you still want him? If you don’t trust him now, chances are that isn’t going to change without a WHOLE lot of effort.

      Your are worth more than being a tag along second best, go out an BE all you can be and find the partner who is worthy of you.

  13. Just the right message at just the right time. I recently got burned for a significant chunk of change when a website build client 1. went totally rogue on me with changes and scope creep and 2. in the end decided to sell her company and not pay the balance due.

    Admittedly, this is pretty much a burn me once, shame on you, burn me twice….. type of situation, and much of the forgiveness needed here is for myself for: not listening to my gut, not setting better boundaries, and not closing the contract and starting a new one when the project went totally off the rails to become something different entirely.

    I have been feeling SO ANGRY and resentful for the last month as this situation, and subsequent non-payment has unfolded.

    I finally let it go, but I can’t help but catch myself in a swirl of negative emotion at times– especially during those early morning hours when I wake up and my head just starts running with it.

    An expensive lesson learned: financially, emotionally, and spiritually. Thanks for this today. It helps…

    • Hi Lynette! Without going into detail I feel I can relate to your experience in several ways. It was like my mind continued on a loop that reviewed everything bad over and over as I just got so mad. Meanwhile I’d lost track of running my life because I was so caught up in my distress. I wasn’t eating normally, or sleeping much, and just forgiving didn’t completely settle my stress around it. What finally got me moving on was belly breathing that I learned at a free “Breathing class”. As I did The breath I was instructed to think about what is most stressful. I felt the loop sort of unlock, and my mind was able to finally process the whole event, and found myself relatively stress free for the first time in a while. All I do is close my eyes, sit straight, and when I breathe in, breathe into the lower abdomen. So when the breath goes in the stomach goes out. Once I establish a rhythm then think of the troubling matter and maintain the breath until it’s been resolved. I hope this helps!

  14. Dear Marie,
    As always you read my mind…just had to deal with an issue re forgiveness and misunderstanding and had tears running down my face. Sat down to get some work done and there is your Tuesday email…how did you know?
    Thank you, today and for everything that you do…you rock my world!

    • Really happy to hear today’s video was right on time for you Sharon 🙂

  15. Great topic and advice!

    Forgiveness is so hard…I think it’s harder to forgive ourselves than it is to forgive others a large percentage of the time. Marie is right on the money to break it down to two steps – 1. forgive yourself 2. forgive others

    One thing that always helped me is looking at a terrible situation and saying, is this 100% me or a small part of me? Once I put that into perspective then I can move onto the next phase of forgiving myself. Making a bad choice to let this person in your life (for example) can be mentally draining but remember it’s only one choice of the thousands of good choices your make in your life. Life is always a learning process.

  16. Priti

    Such a great reminder. Forgiveness is something that we all have to deal with from time to time.

  17. Summer

    Good one!!!

  18. kate

    Hi Marie,

    I Loved this video on forgiveness – and i have lived it and learned that, yes, the only one who is hurt by holding onto resentment is ourselves.
    I grew up with a mother who was extremely narcissists and abusive and even tried to kill me as a child – more than once. Because of this, the whole family unconsciously picked up on her energy and i became the scapegoat for everyone. My siblings would attack me out of nowhere and start kicking me, punching me, etc, and my father was extremely emotionally abusive…and wouldn’t let me talk many times when i needed to say something. But all i did was love them unconditionally. I loved them so much I can still feel the feeling when my heart expands. But i took this “scapegoat energy” out into the world and it followed me everywhere and I received abuse from everyone for years! Only when i feel in love and had my heart broken by a man who i was “having a relationship with” but told me one day he was marrying someone else the very next day did i go straight into therapy and begin the process of healing and forgiveness.
    First, the healing process brought up all of the issues to relook at under a microscope. Second… took a LONG, LONG time – 14 years and still counting but i feel I am nearing the end – to heal. The forgiveness came at about 10 years.
    Ok. On top of it all…I am an empath and therefore extremely sensitive to others’ feelings.
    Anyway…..forgiveness is not the end but it sure was a huge part of getting over depression. And for me, it helped to get to a spiritual place of understanding that we are all here with lessons to learn and a need for spiritual growth pushed me forward to forgiveness.

    Thanks for your many wonderful videos!!!!


    • Kate, thank you for so bravely sharing your story and for your very powerful point about forgiveness being a process. You’re a strong, loving and intuitive woman. Bless you!

  19. Whoa! That is a heavy topic and Marie, you broke it down in the best way. Before forgiveness, there is anger. Someone suggested to me a good practice to curb anger is to ask if you have ever done to someone else the thing that you are angry about being done to you. If the answer is “yes”, then the anger is also with yourself- I found this technique liberating as a driver takes my space and I recall the one time I was in a hurry and did the same….I let that and other instances be the test for me becoming bigger and better! Forgiveness is one step closer when the anger is gone!

    With Gratitude & Fondness

    • Kristin - Team Forleo

      Wow, talk about putting things into perspective, Ellery! That’s a great tip. I agree that the things we sometimes find frustrating or off-putting in others are things we may not love about ourselves that we see mirrored in their actions. This is great advice for personal growth — and internal peace!

  20. Great advice Marie, as usual. I love knowing that every bad situation is an opportunity to strengthen your soul but I always need to hear it from you as a reminder. I also love that just because you forgive someone does not mean that they have to be a part of your life. Thanks Marie! Have a great day

    • Jeannine

      I have on a couple occasions, after getting over being angry decided that “he/she no longer exists in my world” not quite forgiveness but at least a way for me to just let it go.

  21. Anne

    I loved this A to Q about forgiveness – often a tough topic for small businesses where many of our customers, co-workers and investors can be friends or family, so the need to forgive and be forgiven can be frequent!
    My best experience around forgiveness was very recent when I took a tough decision and stepped away from a business I was developing with a friend.
    The context was that my friend was clearly showing signs of going through a challenging time, and perhaps wanting to take the business in a different direction. No matter what I did I couldn’t get her to share or talk about her struggle or intentions, until I finally forced the issue. It wasn’t easy and my friend’s decisions meant I should step away.

    At this point I felt all the usual emotions around anger, frustration, guilt, trust and so on. I took a mental and emotional step back and asked myself “What has been the best thing, so far in this venture?” and my answer was our friendship, so I told my friend that our friendship to me was more important than any business and that in stepping away I would hope to save our friendship. She agreed. We aren’t completely as we were, yet, but we’re both making an effort.

    So my learning was to step back, then ask what was the best thing and focus on that aspect in order to begin to reach forgiveness.

  22. I sooooo needed this message today! How did you know? Forgiveness is indeed the greatest healer, but I have been finding it hard to do lately. I suppose I was thinking it was all about the other person. Thanks for reminding me that it is actually about my healing.

  23. Emily

    So relevant in my life right now – funny how things seem to show up when you need them. Thank you!

  24. Barbara

    To me, forgiving means “yeah, you did me wrong, but you don’t owe me anything for it.” When I’ve said that a couple of times to myself, the incident usually takes on its proper perspective.
    Thanks for having the guts to bring up a tough topic!

    • Kristin - Team Forleo

      That’s brilliant, Barbara! Thanks so much for sharing it here.

  25. Christin

    Forgiveness is difficult. I’ve struggled with a lot in my life. Especially with not treated equally back. And people using me for my kind-heart. It’s always been difficult for me to forgive these people. In order for me to move on spiritually, I need forgive and let go of grudges and anger.

  26. Sally Herman

    I love that you combine emotional well-being with business advice; a wonderful and holistic approach to life.

    I don’t know if this falls under boundaries or not, but I’ve had to forgive the person who hurt me terribly (after forgiving myself for my role in it) and then put a HUGE amount of distance between us. Physical, technological, social and psychological.

    And it has worked well.

  27. This is so timely! Forgiveness is something that can be difficult for a lot of us, but there is freedom when you do forgive someone and yourself.

    Thank you so much for sharing this gem, Marie!

  28. Marie, this is so spot-on–especially the comment about forgiveness taking courage. I have no idea what happened (neither does anyone else who witnessed the initial incident)–but one day a woman decided I had done her wrong, and held her grudge for months–if I spoke to her, she’d turn her head and not respond. I was always met with hostility, and the more I’d try to ignore, the more she’d escalate. She’d shout at me, and one day I even saw her holding court, telling three people how horrid I was. One day she even managed to move me to tears–carrying on at a funeral, for Pete’s sake.

    Finally, one day I walked over to her to give her a complement about something. That took a lot of courage on my part, because at that point I really had no idea how she’s respond. It broke the ice–a little.

    Now, I make it a point to wave or nod or just say “hello” when I see her–but I also know that she probably will never be in my life–and that’s okay. I have no desire to ever go through that kind of thing again, I just want to be civil.

    • Kristin - Team Forleo

      That can’t be easy, Irene, but props to you for taking the high road and seeking out a civil relationship with that person!

  29. thank you SO much for this video. I need it very badly!

  30. Andrea Scott

    I love this teaching on forgiveness. So often people imply that forgiveness should happen immediately and that you’re wrong if you can’t forgive someone who hurt you right away.

    I’m learning that forgiveness is a process and it takes time. I see it as an onion with many layers especially when it comes to trauma. If you’ve been abused, you may forgive your abuser over time, but it may take a long time if you ever choose to have that person in your life. You may forgive them on one level but not on another.

    I love her distinction between forgiveness and trust. Too often people who have been abused feel guilty because they don’t trust their abuser. Trust has to be earned.

  31. Marie

    Hipo’ono’ono helps me tremendously.
    We are response-able for everything that happens in our awareness
    (a powerful place to stand).
    “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.” Embedded in these
    words is compassion for self and others, humility, and (super)natural power. It calms and directs my mind when I am in emotional pain over
    things done to me, or I’ve done to another. Humans seem to hurt others a lot so forgiveness is a life skill we need.

  32. Omkar

    Thanks for this episode, Marie!

    I love you for all your great work and this one is awesome really!

    Forgiveness is so so much important… Otherwise we are simply axing our own feet!

    Thanks Marie!! Keep mailing your lovely videos!

    Love you, Marie!


  33. I am a family and child therapist, and work often with women recovering from domestic violence, so this question comes up a LOT.

    I really see that most people have to get to a place in their healing before they can forgive, and until then, they need permission and support to feel all the anger and rage and grief that comes up in the process of healing from abuse.

    However, I was recently asked by one of my clients, “How do I know when I’m ready to start the process of forgiveness?”

    I thought about it and said, “When anger is no longer pushing your forward, but is instead holding you back, that’s when you need to forgive.”

    I thought it was fairly brilliant of me to say that. I even made a meme. Heh.

    • Amy

      Yes that is a great point!

    • Beautifully shared Dylan and yes, I agree — VERY brilliant of you to say that 🙂

      • Thank you!

        • Hey Dylan, completely agree with Marie and totally going to use your words. Don’t you love the wisdom of the universe, giving you the right words at the right time? Thanks for your contribution.

          • I’m honored you want to use my words! And yes, I rely on the Universe’s wisdom for giving me the right words at the right time.


  34. Amy

    I have found one of the hardest things for me to do is forgive myself. Often timed just for being human and having all of the typical human frailties and weaknesses. This was childhood conditioning but as an adult I am having to learn to not be so self critical. I have a pretty easy time forgiving others it is forgiving me that is the most difficult.

    • You’re not alone in that. <3

      • When I work on, or help others work on forgiving self, I start by externalizing myself (or have them do so). “Pretend you’re sitting in that chair…you’re your best friend, and this happened…what would you advise?”

        Sometimes it helps me to think about how I would want my daughter or best friend to forgive herself…what would that look like? And then apply it to myself.

        My issue is I’m so afraid of messing up I get frozen in spot. I don’t do anything to forgive myself for except DOING NOTHING. Not being brave. Not being ALL IN.

        I’m working on that.

  35. Thank you – wrestling with this very issue!

    I went into business with a friend, or more accurately, I provided her with consultation and concrete designs for her to submit to her team. Not only did I not get paid, she ended up submitting my sublimation designs as her own. To add insult to injury – one of my designs ended up being worn by Lleyton Hewitt in the US Open final match (I didn’t even get a sample shirt).

    You advise forgiving myself and I think you hit on the true bruised spot: I have been beating myself up with questions of ‘How could I have been so gullible?’; ‘Why did I trust her just because she is a friend (even after she had told me that the fashion industry is cut throat)?’; ‘Why didn’t I get under contract BEFORE handing over my intellectual property and design files?’…

    You are right – it is the lessons I take away that are most important – ‘Get under contract first’ for a start!

    The funny thing is that 1 year out, I have forgiven her and still like her (won’t trust her again, nor will I work with her again), but now I need to forgive myself.

    Thank you for putting it into perspective.

    • Kristin - Team Forleo

      Oh what a hard situation, Beverly. It’s incredible that you’ve come away from it with a lesson under your belt — and even better to know you can forgive yourself for not knowing then what you know now!

  36. Hi Marie,

    Thanks for talking about Forgiveness. I had to learn it too. Here
    I will tell my short story. I know, not everyone here is an Christian,
    but it is my story, so, please, sorry 🙂

    All my life I was a atheist, until 1994, when I was already 45.
    On the beginning of my new life back in 1994 I found my Faith in Christianity. So I learned about Forgiveness and that we have to
    “forgive those who trespass against us”.

    Now, it was not an easy lesson for me, I just escaped from someone
    whom I loved and who was going to kill me…

    I was praying and asking how to do this… to really honestly
    forgive this person…

    And the answer was so simple, an Eye-Opener for me:
    I just had to think on the words of Christ from the Cross:
    “Father, forgive them, because they don’t know what they
    are doing.” talking about the people who crucified Him.

    And it helped me, I have forgiven my potential killer.
    Yes, it took some time, but every time when I got back in negative
    thoughts and in judging him, I just pushed myself to think about
    the Christ’s words from the Cross.

    I never will forget this, but I have forgiven him. And this is giving me
    the feeling of Freedom.

    So I use this always when I struggle with forgiving and – it works,
    thanks God 🙂

    Peace & Love,

    • Vera this is such a beautiful demonstration of the power of your faith! Thank you for sharing this 🙂

  37. Thanks for this video, Marie. Definitely some lovely gems of wisdom there. We’ve all been there.

    I had an ex that it took years for me to finally let go of the hurt. And yes, I went through the whole “I should have known better” self-flagellation. All I can say is that time has helped. Because with time and experience comes wisdom. Also, working on myself and finding peace within me has been the key. I then found and married a man every woman dreams about, and helped to heal the hurt that I think deep down, I believed I deserved at one point.

    Thing is, if I hadn’t come to forgive and let go of the circumstances around my former relationship, I truly believe I would not be a valid, empathetic confidence mentor & coach for women that I am, should I come across a client who behaves in the same way my former partner did. To realize that someone who hurts you is most likely hurting more than you are as a soul, helps in you being able to forgive. Again, like you said, Marie, not CONDONE. But understand, empathize, and wish them well on their journey out of their own personal hell. Thank you.

    • Thanks Marie.

      As always an episode of golden value and the discussion is amazing with further gems coming from this content, as well.

      I really appreciate the discussions that are generated and real thoughts being challenged and beliefs changed, moving us towards a better quality of living.

      I am fortunate that forgiveness is not so much of a challenge for me and it has been more of a challenge in not being forgiven by others. Being a person able to forgive, I found it difficult to understand why others found it harder. This discussion has helped to further clarify WHY.

      Yet another gift of wisdom. Thank You

  38. GREAT video Marie. Thanks for giving so much of yourself each week.

    In my 30s I was really feeling weighed down by “all the people who had hurt me” throughout life. I was never a victim of abuse or other trauma, yet I found myself stuck in a type of “victim mode” where I kept dwelling on everyone who had hurt me or held me back in any way.

    These thoughts were really weighing me down, so I intuitively realized I needed to release all that resentment. I created my own meditation and worked through every single hurtful memory, one-by-one, feeling lighter and lighter as I released each one. It was the best thing I ever did.

    And I still use this meditation every day. When someone is mean or my teenager is thoughtless, I know how to zoom in to that emotion, work through it, and let it go. I am the complete master of my emotions now and never have to feel like a victim again. This is what I believe it means to forgive: letting go of that emotion and truly having a light heart again.

    Thanks again for your great videos. You rock, Marie! You have inspired me so much over the years.


  39. Helga

    Marie – you saved me. I have been struggling with forgiving one special person, who hurt me just too hard, because I believed that trust need to follow the forgiving. And you corrected that misunderstanding. I will forgive but will not trust that person as long as the person didn’t show up as trustworthy, which I don’t expect from this person, knowing her for over 15 years.
    I can now get rid of the load on my shoulders of not-forgiving and be free again from that very unpleasant person. Thank you so much, thank you, thank you.

    • Kristin - Team Forleo

      So glad this episode was able to help you so tremendously, Helga. I’m sure it feels incredible to release some of the weight you’ve been carrying about not forgiving that person in your life!

  40. Thanks Marie. U do Rock !!

    “Forgiveness is letting go of all hopes for a better past” One of the many great things I took from a great book by Gerald Jampolsky ” Forgiveness, the Greatest Healer of All”

    Also ( hard to do ) pray for the other person. Great resentment prayer in AA book. Stick with it. Doesn’t happen over night.


    • Kristin - Team Forleo

      Great advice, Al. Thank you so much for sharing it with us!

  41. Tiff

    This was a right on time topic. I’ve been struggling with unforgiveness of myself and of my parents. I didn’t forgive them the hell and torture they put me through and all the negative seeds the sew into mylife, all my life. Then as i got older and realized “I’m in control of my own destiny and my own life and have been all along” that anger and guilt shifted towards myself for feeding into their nonsense so long I was messing my own self ,my own relationships, my own life completely UP.
    I came to a point where I was tired of carrying all the emotional baggage, it was telling on me because it began to manifest in the way I carried myself and in my health.
    One thing I knew then and even know today is my parents being who they are I will never be able to sit down with either of them and have an adult conversation about the things that damaged me as a little girl and left me wanting to avenge this inner child, that grew into a angry selfndistructive woman. Even now that I’m in a place where I’ve learned to love them for who they are and when need be distance myself and love them from afar, I often think back on the hurts particularly when I see it in others, it’s almost like “I know that place” a trick I use is I acknowledge it yes at one point that was my address sad alley but I no longer live there I live at peace and joy lane. I cried alot, I prayed alot, and I worked hard to get to that new address, there was never any a knowledgement of wrongs done or apology from either of them to me. But when I was fed up of being fed up, it was just the motivation I needed to move on without what I thought I needed to feel validated justified redeemed and realized that me loving myself enough to let go and let God was all I needed. I can communicate better now, and the line of demarcation is clear as to where I can and will go with them and allow them to go with me and no further.

  42. mona lisa

    Hello Marie Forleo

    Thank you so much for the episode about “How to forgive when you can’t forget”, is really interesting.
    Any way I wake up and I was dreaming about it and when I went to see my emails. ..was yours there talking about forgiveness.
    I learn with life how to forgive to allow me to get with my life, is not easy but it takes a lot….. how to forgive and forget someone that you loved so much and that almost destroy you emotional that i start having health problems , drain me to the end of the hole .
    For me to be able to come out I have to learn and start a process of forgiveness and reading some books about it.
    But now my question to you is ……
    How I do to have the forgiveness from someone that I hurt, someone that I care about , it will be the same process, waiting and give time ….be patient.
    I met someone that I start having some feeling for him and him as well for me, our connection was really amazing, strong that we never had before, the emotions,understanding , the talk …. was like we knew each other already and sometimes we even didn’t need to say nothing. .. the way we look to each other was enough
    and everything he was saying to me was honest ( things that women are the first to say to men and for the first time in my life was a men saying g to me), how he love me …that he could see a bright and positive future….. one day I did a text test because I felt that something was missing, and now I regret completely.
    After this episode happened, we talk about it and I explain why, and it’s seems that everything was OK, I said sorry and I said that I will show him that he can trust me again, after a few days he said that he didn’t know if was good idea to get back because the trust he had for me was broken.
    I know that in some way I feel that he need to forgive himself and the past to be able to forgive others ( he had a long and hurting relationship before)
    At the moment he doesn’t talk to me and what I should do?

    Sorry for my long writing and I hope that you could understand me.

  43. Hi Marie,

    Thanks so much for this episode which is awesome! Your advice is always so practical and straightforward, thanks.

    My personal experience is quite recent. I met a person through my business and very soon became very close to me and my family. Always very generous and lovely, I fell in her trap like a naive kid. I always had a weird feeling around her, like she was not being transparent, but I decided not to listen to it. After two years, I realised that I was right all along. When I found out about her lies and tricks, I wanted to confront her, but my father passed away suddenly a couple of days after my discovery, and so I never did.
    Despite being my “friend”, I did not hear from her for 6 months while I was going through a tough time. I was very resentful, I was really burning with anger inside every time I was thinking of her, and I knew that I was only hurting myself. I did not like the feeling I was feeling, and the importance I was giving to a person who did not care about me. I wanted to feel ok thinking of her, but I did not know how. Then my husband talked to me about imagining a door a slamming in her face every time I felt resentment towards her. The visual idea of shutting her out did it for me. I practiced and practiced every time she came to mind, and slowly I started feeling better and better. Since then my resentment slowly disappeared. It took weeks, but I did it.
    I met her a couple of times by accident and my reaction was cool and calm. We even talked.
    I definitively do not trust her, and I do not want he in my life ever again, but I now feel free. Beautiful feeling.

  44. deborah

    Can someone please define what we mean by “forgiveness”?

    Not kidding, here. Marie’s discussion and the comments here all assume a common idea/experience/outcome of forgiveness. But when we speak of “forgiving” — either ourselves or others — what does that forgiveness actually look like, sound like, FEEL like?

    • Deborah, I’m sure it’s something that has a personal flavor for each person. But what I mean by forgiveness is releasing any judgments I am holding about a person or a situation, thoughts like “it should have been different”, “this is what should have happened” and instead just accepting it as done. When I’m not forgiving someone or something, it feels like my thoughts fixate round and round on that thing, and keep generating the emotions of hurt, maybe anger, maybe judgment, maybe blame, and my heart feels closed and like a tight fist. When I forgive, it feels like my thoughts start to flow again, and the emotions I feel start to pass through me and dissipate. Eventually they lose their charge, and my heart feels open again, and I see the situation more clearly.

      Then I also give a different energy back to the world, and if I’m revisiting the issue to decide whether it’s best to rebuild trust or to walk away, I make a decision based on having healed all my own triggers in the situation. So I’m not reacting based on m own wounds anymore, but I’m able to access what feels like the truest and kindest decision.

      Marie, thank you for this timely reminder of the distinction between forgiveness and trust. When I am really stuck in not letting go of an issue, I have a bit of a ritual of going to the beach and taking a long walk, rain, hail or shine. Something about getting back in touch with the rhythm of the ocean really helps me to grieve and to open up and let things pass.

  45. Diana

    Forgiveness is the greatest act of self love.

  46. Thandi

    Thank you for this invaluable insight, Marie, it’s very timely for me!

    I’ve recent been wronged by my partner and know that I’m not completely innocent myself, I’ve forgiven him, but the part that really resonated with me in you video and that has reassured me as well, is when you say that it’s up to me whether I keep this person in my life or not. To be clear, I’m not just talking about one wrongdoing, rather it’s been cyclical and as I say we’ve both played out parts I guess, but ultimately you need to listen to you gut no matter how emotions and memories play into it. It’s sad, but sometimes I think you just have to let go and take what you can from the experience.

    Thanks again xx

  47. Marie,

    This was a phenomenal episode. I’ve made this my life’s work because this had always been a battle for me. I love that you differentiated forgiveness and trust, and reconciliation, as not part of forgiveness. I say this with my clients all the time.

    Personally, I wasn’t able to forgive the other person, until I forgave myself. Either for allowing myself to be a doormat or not standing up for myself, etc. Then it was easier to forgive the other person.

    It’s kind of like the process of forgiving without being apologized to.

    It takes a lot of courage also to recognize that this relationship is unhealthy and can’t continue. We think we need to make some sacrifices for the sake of the ____ (kids, parents, partner, etc.). But betrayal takes a toll on our health, when we repeatedly live through it.

    Step 1, makes it easier to see what we need for ouself to move on from this. I believe in second chances, but not the abuse of expecting them freely. In one situation, I felt the lingering feelings of regret and resentment were more towards myself for not preventing it. I found closure in focusing on what my needs are, and what is the healthiest thing to do.

    When the other person bullies for forgiveness, or reconcilation, it becomes less likely to happen. The insistence or pressure doesn’t naturally forge forgiveness.

    Thinking about it from both sides, when we want to be forgiven we can’t put that kind of pressure or demand. It’s something we have to earn and yes, sadly, sometimes the damage is too great that some things will never be the same. Forgiveness may happen, but not a trusting relationship.

    Thanks for covering this episode Marie! I love to see others talk about these topics and provide closure, as we share these human challenages.

  48. What a great subject matter! I recently wrote I my journal that forgiving someone that has not apologized is often the key to healing old wounds. It is essential to growing. It is a vital step to truly BE BETTER! Thanks Marie for conformation!

    • Kristin - Team Forleo

      Ah so true, Jody!

  49. Melissa Gandarinho

    I usually comment on the YouTube videos comment section, but I came here from Facebook today. This post is so perfect. I think too often people forget that the reason they are so mad and angry at someone, is because they hold it in. I’m one of those people. I have learned that some things don’t have to do with me, and when I don’t expect an apology from someone, and learn to move on from the situation, I am better off than waiting and hoping. Sometimes people don’t deserve my forgiveness, but I deserve closure. That’s what it’s all about. We need to be selfish sometimes and just realize that WE are in charge of our feelings and emotions.

  50. Forgiveness is a funny thing. I am always curious about it. Many times I hear people say, “I want to hear an apology!” When I hear that , I wonder. Does that really make a difference? I think there is value in seeing the folly of your ways and changing the direction. Being in reality around what has been done, either to you and or by you.
    I have often gone down the road of suffering with anger and feeling bad for things done to me etc. Until I learned that I had a part in the process and that seeing why I engaged and having compassion for the person who I thought had wronged me helped me see in most cases there was “nothing” to forgive, but instead much to understand. Great topic..very deep indeed. With gratitude Diana

    • Really appreciate these words Diana:

      Until I learned that I had a part in the process and that seeing why I engaged and having compassion for the person who I thought had wronged me helped me see in most cases there was “nothing” to forgive, but instead much to understand….

    • Powerful Diana

    • Amanda

      I can only confirm that. Compassion and understanding why he or she would treat us like they did is the fast lane to true forgiveness.

      Thanks for sharing!

  51. Hi Marie,

    Thanks for your thoughtful and insightful video :). For me, much of the work I’ve done around forgiveness is around myself: forgiveness of allowing something to happen I didn’t approve of or want and just allowing it to happen anyway. Or alternatively making a decision or pursuing something or someone not aligned in my own best interests but naively thinking it was. I have to know that I was trying my best and given all that I had at that time (knowledge or courage or strength), I tried to have my own back and do what’s best for Kimber. Though sometimes that was hard and it didn’t feel like I was there to protect me. I was. And always will be.

  52. David B.

    Very good, I have to admit that this is an issue I struggle with due to actions of my oldest brother, I have come to realize that in many ways what he did was actually really good for me, it helped free me from a co-dependent relationship with my parents, it helped me grow up in many ways. But it also tore my parents up in the last years of their lives, THAT I have had a very hard time forgiving. This helps, good stuff here.

  53. “when you forgive, you’re giving a gift to yourself”
    Marie, today’s video totally spoke to me! Thank you so much for sharing!

  54. Becky Howard

    Hi Marie,
    Thank you for this wonderful episode! Unfortunately, I know A LOT about forgiveness. One of the most important things I have learned ours that it is a process, and depending on the severity of the wrong, it may come in waves. The second thing I learned is that if you have forgiven somebody thoroughly, and the anger comes back, that is your mind warning you that there is something that you need to do right now. Perhaps you’re putting yourself in the same situation, and a different action in your part would lead to a different outcome. Perhaps the person who hurt you needs to be reminded of what they did so they can make it right. Every situation is different. Just know that it’s coming around again at this time for a very good reason.

    • Such a fantastic point Becky, thank you so much for sharing your perspective!

  55. Cally

    Thank you for this! Immediately wrote this and put it above my desk: “While I don’t know how, I am willing to forgive. Please universe, show me the way.” May we all have a lighter and healthier 2016.

  56. This was a great question and a great answer Marie! I think we all struggle with forgiveness and the truth is we do forgive for ourselves. Because often the other person may not even know the resentment that eats away at you inside ! Also I think we go though different degrees of forgiveness throughout our lives , my father was murdered when I was 12! I know the person who killed him! It’s been almost 21 years and I go through phases where the anger arises again , and I believe prayer and meditation helps , sometimes it’s the smallest things that we have a hard time forgiving for as well that can eat away at you ! But in the end for our own inner peace we must be Willing to try ! Big or small it’s important that we try not just to sweep it under the rug , talk about it , pray about it and meditate on it because we owe it to ourselves xoxox

  57. Lisa

    Hi Marie!
    I have been listening to you for a long time. I love your videos and I always learn something new!
    I wanted to share this quote, cause I have it written on a card and have it stuck on my mirror so I can read it each morning!

    “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else: you are the one who gets burned”

  58. Azzy

    Hi Guys,

    Love all your videos,

    I totally agree with Marie’s point, willingness to forgive is really important, its like taking responsibility/ owning what happened to you, which can be a lil difficult..

    Thanks n loads of love


  59. Julie

    OY!!! There are so many issues where I have been burned. The worst part is that it when I have gone out of my way to do something for “a friend” who I worked with who completely just crapped all over me. Dont even get me started!!!! She was SO UGLY!!! The whole situation was UGLY. But the biggest problem is that she would not leave me alone. I was so ready to move on and just get over it, but she kept pushing and pushing. I had to PAY to block her from texting me. I also had to consult with a lawyer who sent her a warning letter to just step off. LESSON LEARNED: Listen to the warning bells that say “dont trust this person” and keep my distance. Dont get emotionally involved – keep it professional.

    It still hurts that this person and another co-worker were actual ppl that I considered good friends and trusted… Well. OH WELL.

    But what about when a colleague that you have worked with for over a decade decides to throw her ego at you and shit on you? Idk if it is a situation where she was so comfortable that she felt it was fine to treat me like she treats her husband or what. It was VERY hurtful. While she did apologize and admit she didnt handle the situation well, it was biting to the core and has left quite a raw patch. If you ever watched “Grey’s” – she was “my person”. We mixed business and person life and it worked for over a decade. I have since opted out of working with her any more. We still communicate occasionally but not like we used to.

    It feels like I have a target on my back, but I am not a person that takes crap from ppl.

    I’ll stop typing now. sigh

  60. Dr Amara


  61. Holy synchronicity Bat Girl!

    I was just contacted by email by an life long friend that because of something that happened between us we haven’t spoken for a year I think. Then I had a long discussion with another good friend about forgiveness, as she has a relative that holds on to resentment, which certainly puts a big wedge into relationship for all.

    I am a very forgiving kind of person, but the issue is trust after someone who is supposed to love you constantly hurts your heart and never says they are sorry.

    Marie what you said about trust and forgiveness being two different things is just THE point I’ve been struggling with. We all need to feel safe and have a sense of boundaries. We don’t have to continue to include this person in our life and we don’t have to trust, but we do need to forgive. Like you say for ourselves.

    Thank you Marie for clarifying this important matter for me!
    Catherine Meyers

  62. sarah

    I love the book “Radical Forgiveness” and “Radical Self-Forgiveness” by Colin Tipping.
    I was able to forgive ex-lovers, parents, and step parents with the letter writing process that he describes. You write three letters from both the Victims Standpoint and the Perpetrators Standpoint. (6 letters total with one day in between each letter to process emotions) They are never to be sent, they are meant to be destroyed afterwards.

    Letter 1: Say how you feel and hold nothing back.
    Letter 2: Write with some compassion/understanding of what was done
    Letter 3: Collapse the story as seen from a whole new perspective

    This isn’t “letting people off the hook”, what was done is not forgotten. It is reframed in a way that allows forgiveness. I found this process extremely beneficial. Thanks for this topic. This made me realize I would like to re-visit this process and forgive a co-worker and a former friend. 🙂

  63. I forgive you for u know not what you do!
    I guess everyone knows who said that and when
    Forgive ness is most difficult.. I have chosen to distance myself from someone but we keep running into each other and hurting each other
    What do I do

    • It’s not easy, but try to figure out one thing:
      HOW are you going to distance yourself?

      • We were operating from same office.. I got my dad to step out of that family owned shop to a rented space.. Sure it’s heavier on our pockets or should I say on our bank accounts.. But we have peace of mind and its been 3 years and counting.. However since we are from the Same and business.. Life is a roller coaster.. And we still run into each other business wise.. How can I still forgive when it still keeps coming back..

        • So, you are actually locked in trough the business… Is there no way to delegate to escape the direct contact?

    • Ruby

      maybe there is lesson here and once you learn the lesson the “teacher” will disappear?

  64. Fulvia

    I think that forgiveness without trusting the other person is easy. It’s trusting the other human being and taking responsibilty for what happened that is very difficult but that is only when you do that that you can completely heal and move forward..

  65. Hi Marie,
    Thanks for this! I was struggling with being hurt by my ex boyfriend. During our 2 years together he was unfaithful for the first year and a half. He was having sex with other women, told me we were in an exclusive monogamous relationship. He was separated and going through a divorce. He had 3 kids who sometime lived with him. He always used his kids as an excuse – that is how he lied to me about where he was. It was so horrible because I got close with his kids and they really liked me. I really felt like he was my best friend and I completely trusted him.

    Last year I met him for a coffee and told him that I forgive him. I said that I am not saying that was he did was in any way OK, but that I am saying that I am letting it go. It was so hard…. I cried almost the entire time – very embarrassing because I was in a coffee show full of people! I haven’t been in a relationship since and I sure hope I will be. You are right, forgiveness takes strength and courage. When you don’t forgive, that is really the easy way out and serves no one.


  66. Great episode!

    I love watching Marie tv, but never commented before. But now I felt an urge to do so, because I was reminded of the movie “the Power of the Heart”.
    It has the story of a woman Immaculé Ilibagiza who foregave the man who killed her family. It’s such an inspirational woman…and a must watch movie by the way.

    I just thought I’d share that!

    Keep up the good work 😉


  67. Beecoming

    Your forgiveness episode came at just the right time for me. I have just had surgery and though I met with him twice to set things up, I never saw or spoke to the surgeon just before the operation, just after or the next day. It has been a week. I called his office today and am waiting for a return call. He spoke to my kids when the surgery was over and told them that everything went well and I feel ok and am healing but every time anyone asked how I am doing I tell them how hurt and disappointed I am. This is not what I want to focus on. I need to forgive and move on. And, I am willing!!
    In the past year, I‘ve also had a falling out with a close friend of more than 30 years. Neither of us trust each other at this point. We have limited contact with one another right now. My resentment and judgment is hurting me more than her. However, I find her living rent free in my head too often and I haven’t been able to let her go, forgive and move on.
    Your advice to ask myself, what can I learn from this and how can I grow from this are right on the money. I’ve learned that “Familiarity breeds contempt” and that I need to check in with myself before I say yes when I should say no. I have learned to set boundaries and to take care of myself in relationships. So I am asking my HP to show me how!

  68. Hello Marie

    What a lovely post. Thank you for presenting a simple yet inspiring approach to forgiveness. Looking forward to reading more from you.


  69. Devesh

    Great video!

    Forgiving people who have hurt you is not simple. The pain may slowly go away, but you will never be able to forget that moment.

    In 2011, I was left in a small medical clinic by my friend who crashed his bike to a truck. Luckily he did not get injured but I was in serious condition. He did not respond to my parents or sister calls on my cell to let them know about me. My sister then tracked my phone to find out that, I was left there in medical clinic with no relatives or family contact and my friend had left the town.

    The doctors in that clinic did not have any clue about my problem as they did not have any machinery to check my health condition. My sister called a reputed hospital to send an ambulance to pick me from there. I was unconscious throughout this period. Thank God for my sister to have made such great decisions. I was in comma for 2 months. I came back to my senses after two main head surgery.

    My parents wanted to file a case against him for such actions but could not file as they did not have any photos. It was me who stopped them as they were waiting for me to get better. My friend had made no contact during this time. After 6 months of my recovery, My friend bumped into me inside a restaurant. He said I looked good and did not even opologize for his mistakes.

    I had just got my second life back in one life time. I was in no mood to be hurt or furious at him or anyone for that matter. I spoke to him gently and told him I was busy. I spoke to couple of times after that. I still have hard time trusting people. I live my life happy with no consent towards others. I have my own small circle of friends whom I trust as they had stayed with me in my hard times.

    I speak to everyone in friendly manner but been selective on deciding a close friend. Forgiving him and other for their mistake have given me lot of joy!

    Life doesn’t give second chances to many in this world, So live your life happy!

  70. Ismahen

    i guess, to forgive is important for you before the person or people who wronged you. But, to forget it means you start a clean page with the person and giving him or her a second chance to fool you again mostly when there is no apology. i believe, anyone who does not have past does not have present as human we grow through experiences and we learn through hard lessons. To sum up, i agree with forgiving but don’t agree with forgetting as the proverb say: fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me!

  71. Ellie

    My teenage cousin was brutally mean to me at a funeral. Teasing me about very personal things. Harsh words were said. I was 10 years older. She was more favored because her father died when she was a small child. I took the brunt of the fight.

    I was told I was horrible by family members. I was told how mean I was in holiday cards and get well cards at a hospital. People wouldn’t stick up for me because “they couldn’t get involved”. I found out later they are the ones who taught my cousin to say these things.?

    I can forgive them because I dont think they have the emotional intelligence to figure out how this impacted my life. Hell, the cousin said she was doing it to be mean on purpose. The family thinks this is okay. I can forgive to not pass on the burden to my children. I will never be able to forget.

    • Ruby

      I had a cousin who teased me sadistically. I could tell she was not herself, that she was acting out her own inner turmoil. but this did not help me not to be timid and fearful, and ashamed. This happened much of my childhood. For some reason she targeted me, taking her own unhappiness, rage out on me. I grew up around a lot people acting mean to one another. I could see the pain in them. This set me on life quest to find real medicine that would help them. At first I was in denial of my own pain, then it came rushing out. and I suddenly had understanding of my relatives behavior because I was feeling similar pain. and realized how hard it was to handle. I was not willing to duplicate their choices. but it took me long time to find other ways that truly worked. In hindsight now I see how much I learned from this. My whole family has rejected me, my own mother leading this. so I know this pain well. Toxic shame, self hatred, etc. is root cause of this in my family. they saw every step I took towards healing as threatening. still do. Healing myself, so as not to carry those things forward was the best thing I have done. but it took me to look inside myself and heal, love the part of me that was in pain similar to theirs.

  72. Tay

    I’ve always been quick to forgive — both myself and others. I learn from the situation and move on.

    The hardest part for me is dealing with people who struggle with forgiveness. I’m like, “how is it possibly serving you to stay angry months later? Your time and energy is worth so much more!”

    So I concocted a quote to share how I feel:
    “Most believe that freedom begins with an “F”
    But no.
    Freedom begins with forgiveness”

    • ellie

      I think “the struggle for forgiveness” is how to reconcile when people dont realize what assholes they are being and how their “assholeness’ affects your life. I could have easily forgiven my relatives. I cant reconcile with them because they continue to be mean. There is a difference.

    • rebecca

      i guess you can compare it to seeing someone with a sliver in their finger, wondering why the heck they don’t stop complaining about the pain and irritation it’s causing. they don’t stop complaining because IT IS HURTING! it’s only when they can figure out how to get the darn thing OUT that they can find relief.
      because that is my case. i am doing EVERYTHING i can to “get over it”, “move on”, “forgive”. but this searing white hot incessant pain is radiating from my chest, making it practically impossible to ignore. i guess i need to figure out how to get the darn thing OUT!

      • Ellie

        Take all the time you need to. One may be a big deal to me, may not hurt you so much and vise versa. It is important that people understand that.

        • rebecca

          yeah, i was talking to Tay, who said she couldn’t understand how people can stay angry…
          i guess a big part of my problem is the way my husband left me. he called me from the road while on tour, and i haven’t really seen him since (except for once). there’s so much that (to me) hasn’t been addressed or resolved. i know WHY he did it: he wants to play “rockstar” and build a harem on the road and enjoy life with as little responsibility as possible. i just can’t believe after almost 12 years that my daughter and i can be discarded so easily and thoughtlessly. my therapists says my husband is a narcissistic sociopath. but that still doesn’t resolve the unresolved…

          • Ellie

            Hugs my friend! The cousin who was mean to me? I helped take care of her dying grandmother and helped her widowed mother so she could have some fun time. If I knew what they were saying about me behind my back, I wouldn’t have done it. All the cover ups in the world dont “she said it but she meant something else.” dont ease the pain. We will never have a relationship again. The family is broken.

            What does? The knowledge that I deserve better and I can create a life for myself. Was your ex-husband an ass? hell yes. Did you deserve better? Hell yes. However, you have two choices. You can treat yourself how he treats you or you can take a stand and treat yourself and your daughter how you should be treated.

            My mom appeased my aunt for years. She offered me money for my wedding and then said I will only get it if I invited my mean aunt and cousin. I said keep your money. I dont deserve to be belittled by them at my wedding.

            You are strong. You can do this.

          • Tay

            Rebecca, it’s not that I cannot or do not empathize with the pain. I definitely understand. I just have trouble dealing with those who choose to continue to cry about the splinter instead of using that energy to figure out how to get it out. You can simultaneously feel the pain and do something about it.

            I have been betrayed and hurt more than I wish to go into. And every time I ask, what can I do RIGHT NOW to learn and move forward so the pain stops.

            It’s just that at a certain point, you CAN say to yourself “what is important to me about continuing to feeling this pain?”

            You CAN say “thank you mind, for letting me know that I made a mistake and I promise to take certain precautions to make sure I don’t make it again. Now, lets think of precautions I can take.”

            You CAN believe “I understand that we all do what we can with what we have, including the person that hurt me. Their intent was not to hurt me, but to end their own pain. And if it WAS intended to hurt me, I can decide to not let them succeed at hurting me, and instead feel sad for them that their life has come to enjoying seeing the pain of others.”

            You CAN say, “My time and thoughts and energy are precious to me and I choose to take away the learning and move forward. My life is richer for it.”

            I have been there. Crying until there are no more tears. Unable to function for weeks, a ghost of who I once was. Wanting to end my own life, the betrayal cut so deep.

            And at a certain point I said, “he still has power over me and he ain’t even here. What do I need to do to reclaim my happiness?”

            Get curious about how to feel better. Try an NLP Coach to learn techniques of changing your state of mind. And soon you’ll see exactly how powerful you are at CHOOSING to not be hurt.

            Then you can powerfully heal, faster than you ever thought possible. It still takes time, but you are focused on your happiness instead of judging the life decisions of someone else.

            I do appreciate you sharing your story. I hope you gain a tremendous amount of insight and attract an amazing and worthy man into your life when the time is right.

            Much love, Rebecca

  73. rebecca

    I stood by my husband’s (crabby) side for 12 years while he was in a band that made him miserable. This last summer he was offered a position in a VERY popular (albeit old) band putting him in front of thousands of fans and letting him meet people that he admires, and they are all stroking him, telling him how great and talented and awesome he is. Needless to say, he abruptly left me and my daughter. Before doing so, he went home with a fan he saw in the audience and spent three days at her house (while we were still married. Actually, we are still married now.) I lost my home (it was too big for me to care for alone, and be a single mom and run a year-old biz), my cats, my puppy (cuz we had to move into an apartment and could barely afford rent, so paying “pet rent” was out of the question. I’ve lost my best friend and my daughter’s “daddy”, and his extended family (cuz they are all nervous to talk to us now, since we are getting the big D).
    I am willing to forgive him. I’ve written notes and letters (that i haven’t sent) forgiving him and forgiving myself. I feel peace about his being gone, because looking back he wasn’t the man I wanted anyways. It was HARD living with him while he was gone half of the year and miserable a lot and not very supportive emotionally. I gave every single thing in me to my marriage. I tried to make it pretty.
    My struggle is my brain. It is constantly being crowded with thoughts about him: repeating to itself how much I hate him, wondering what he’s thinking/feeling/doing… I am going to therapy and journaling and meditating and reading and exercising and doing yoga and reaching out to people, but somehow I just can’t stop this train in my head. I’ve tried “replacing” it with other thoughts, focusing on other things, etc. I guess it’s not happening fast enough for me. (It’s been 6 months already!)
    So what exactly IS forgiveness anyways? Cuz I’m ready, willing and able. But I think if I have a constant “I hate you” tape running thru my mind, I haven’t yet succeeded. Maybe someone out there has been thru this and can help?

    • Ruby

      It’s been my experience that what holds me back is guilt, i feel guilty for something. I know rationally there is no such thing as guilt, ie as in permanent sin. but if I am holding onto seeing someone as culprit, it usually is related to somewhere inside myself I am holding myself as culprit. I find journaling helps me with this. I dialogue with the part of me that feels angry, etc. Anger is a secondary emotion, there is always something beneath it. and until that something beneath the anger is brought out in the open and dealt with, the anger does not leave. I offer services to help with this. if you want. core things that do not go away, are there because there is something we are not dealing with, ie not conscious of. in order to become free of them we have to become conscious of what is keeping them going. what inside of us is keeping this alive. I can help you with this if you are not able to do this on your own. first try journalling.

  74. Ric

    As a junior military officer in the Northwest, I was going to be allowed to spend almost all of my time going to graduate school to earn a Masters degree. It was understood that I would still be assigned to a billet for paperwork purposes, but with no regularly assigned tasks. I’d help do things as school allowed.

    After completing about 2/3 of the degree, my senior officer was rotated out and a new one arrived to take his place. Our personalities didn’t match nearly as well as my previous boss. Shortly after arriving, we talked about some of the tasks I’d done while going to school, and we had a different viewpoint. Being in the military, I realized he would have final say, and gave my opinions, as requested, then accepted his changes he made. I thought I did so without showing any resentment or negativity. Evidently, he believed differently.

    About six months later, when I was finished with school and was getting ready to move on, fitness reports came out. He rated me just low enough to not look terrible to a non-military person, but had a rating and used key words and phrases that punished me pretty badly, if you were cognizant of what such phrases meant to promotion selection committees. So much so that achieving a middle-to-high rank, would now always be problematic. I talked to him about it in a calm, focused manner, and worked through the issues. He wasn’t convinced I made myself as available to him, even while finishing up the degree, and graded me, as I thought, in ways that would present me as being less than top in my peer group (a radical change from the previous five years).

    Inside, I was highly emotionally disturbed by his action, and thought he was such an arrogant, …(fill in the blank with a number of negative words). For months I seethed every time the thought of this situation came to me, unbidden, but once there I couldn’t let it go for hours.

    Then, about 8 months later I realized that when I started playing that negative mantra in my head, I spiraled down to a dark place that was not at all healthy for my soul. The thought of forgiveness for the Glad Hand Charlie (with an et tu Brute dagger hidden in his other hand) was anathema to me during this period. But I reached a point of awareness how this continual negative thought process hurt me, not him.

    Once I truly understood what I had to do, it took the first step of getting rid of the ‘I should haves’ and forgave myself, and decided to turn it into a learning situation. Then I said out loud that I forgave him with no one else around. I knew as I said it that I would never trust again.

    When I reached that point, I felt the healing start. Luckily, he didn’t come back into my life again. And that forgiveness let me reach the goals I had wanted to attain, and believe I never would have, if I’d not gone through that difficult learning process.

    • Ruby

      I deeply respect the inner strength and knowing that you have that turned it into learning experience. Chances are he was jealous of you. myself have found that the most hurtful remarks come from people who are jealous of me and want to tear me down. so they do not have to deal with their own unhappiness of the choices they have made.

  75. This was a really great video Marie. I found my way to forgiveness after my father shot and killed my mother and married her sister shortly thereafter. I could not reconcile my love and hate with my father until I completed a ‘missing’ piece in my letting go process. It is what I teach, what I write about and what my one-woman show is about. I know I cannot save my mother but I know I have inspired thousands of people to love themselves, forgive themselves and others while setting healthy boundaries. Step 1: Move out of Denial and Into Acceptance of What Is. This is for those who have swept their rage/loss and grief under the rug in way of a spiritual bypass (I forgive because I know it is right to forgive or they aren’t able to get in touch with their real emotions because it wouldn’t be nice). In this stage of healing one great exercise is free form writing or non-dominant hand-writing-it’s a healthy way to get your anger out. (I personally missed this piece and couldn’t really heal because although I seemed okay after a few years post my mother’s murder- I was depressed because there was a seething anger below the surface needing to get out) Step 2 is all about not indulging in that Right and Wrong Mentality that was embraced in Step 1. It is Giving Up Your Need to Be Right. In this step you can practice forgiving your judgments- because the judgments are what stay alive inside you way past the crime/ the betrayal has happened. By releasing the judgments- you stop rewounding yourself and living in the past of in a negative future fantasy. Here is where you embrace compassion for yourself and may be able to tap into compassion for the person who hurt you if you can truly imagine walking in their shoes on one of their worst days- it could be when they were a child and had no one there for them (for example). Step 3 can take a long time to get to but it is so worth it. It is Moving into Gratitude for What Is. Obviously I am not grateful for the circumstances- that my father shot and killed my mother. However, I am grateful for the lessons I learned, the strength I was able to embrace, how the situation led me to my life’s purpose- teaching this work creatively through the presentation of my one-woman show and coaching, speaking, leading workshops. One qay to move into gratitude in this stage of your forgiveness work is to get out of your head..meaning maybe volunteering someplace where your focus can move off of you and your pain and you can contribute to someone in need. I started volunteering with children who were ill and with the homeless during my most lonely and depressed times and it helped so much! Don’t want to be around people- volunteer at the humane society…something about being around animals is incredibly healing. And what happened when I was able to practice my 3 Steps- more openness, loving and joy was restored and I quickly found myself in love and able to trust again…because I could trust myself. I hope some of what I said here helps someone struggling with this.

    • Wow, that’s a truly inspiring story. Thank you so much for sharing. It’s amazing how transformative tragedy can be.

    • Thank you, Brenda and thank you Marie.

      Interesting that so many find this video timely. I know I do. Had to take a break from reading comments to process some of my feelings.

      5 & 1/2 years ago I moved in with my Mother who has dementia but is still high functioning. I struggle to put down old, tattered, baggage that holds anger, resentment, and rage, and lately, I’ve been realizing my need to live inside of forgiveness–for her and for me. Treating her with a kindness and care that I rarely get to feel flowing freely from my heart (and I mean rarely!) is exhausting and I know I need to access love for myself and for her or I’m gonna lose my mind. Brenda, thank you for laying out these steps. What you say resonates. I’ve seen the need to accept what is and have been practicing, but reversing decades of habitual ways of being is really hard. Giving up the need to be right is imperative and oh soooo hard. And those judgments—well they’ve been particularly painful to feel. So yes, I have work to do and I thank you for your hopeful story. I want to experience life with a light heart full of love . I won’t give up!

      Thank you!

  76. This topic was timely for me. Forgiveness is very important and it can be easy to talk about it, but the walking can be difficult. It is humbling oneself when someone admits to a fault and genuinely seeks forgiveness.

    I know that if I do not forgive and forget, then I will not be forgiven. I also know that when I don’t forgive and let go of something that is offensive to me, then it will fester and become like an infected sore. By holding a grudge, bitterness is given the chance to set in and can negatively affect one’s thoughts and actions. We also should remember that everyone is capable of making mistakes and that no one is perfect. That’s what I believe and have experienced concerning forgiveness.

  77. Michelle Charles

    This post hits hard for me. Recently separated from what I believe to be a narcissist borderline sociopath husband. He had an affair and shows no remorse. I’m really struggling with forgiveness and right now I don’t feel I’m ready. The only start I have is to say to myself, he has a personality disorder and he’s mentally ill so he knows not what he does. I slightly feel sorry for him.

    • Kristin - Team Forleo

      Michelle, I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I sincerely hope the road ahead is much brighter! I can feel the strength in your words and I have no doubt you’ll come out of this with resilience and grace.

  78. PantoThenic

    Excellent episode. It was very important how Marie did not come from a preachy POV, like how some talk about forgiveness. Forgiveness can be so dm difficult at times. The shift for me was when I realized that the way I’d been taught about “forgiveness” was bass-ackwards. We were taught forgiveness was about saying that what they did was “okay”, that you had to believe it was “okay” (raised Catholic). Always hated that interpretation. I tossed that s__t right out the window when I reframed it as “forgiveness means saying it doesn’t matter anymore. This is about me not them”. Thank you.

  79. Love this topic! One of my favourite quotes is “Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” – MLK Jr

    • Yes! That’s what I believe, too! Just hope I can make the practice so constant that it becomes easier. Right now I’m struggling…


  80. Rebeka

    Yes! I needed to hear this today. I still have a hard time totally forgiving my ex-husband. Being a full-time single Mom is HARD and sometimes it feels easier to blame him for the situation. But, the moments of forgiveness and ownership I do have feel so much better. Thank you for the reminder!

  81. Hello Marie, the tone of your voice helped melt the walls surrounding my heart (that I didn’t fully realise were there). I spun my wheels yesterday and found work 100 times more challenging than it needed to be, all because I was holding onto hurt. It’s so true that we hurt ourselves immensely and life doesn’t flow when pent up emotions are present. I sat quietly after listening to you and with a deeply earnest intention, I let the walls melt. Relief, energy and joy are bubbling to the surface. Thank you so much.

  82. Barbara

    Very timely, Marie. I keep having an ongoing conflict with my sister. I have forgiven her multiple times for her snide comments attacking me in various ways. However, after she seems to be behaving in a civil way and I relax, she lets go with another zinger. I am really tired of doing this process over and over but see that I need to and to also stop having much communication with her.

    Thanks for all that you do!

    • Kristin - Team Forleo

      So glad this episode was helpful, Barbara!

  83. Kay

    Marie, this is Divine intervention today! hearing these fantastic reminders about forgiveness and how important it is to be willing to forgive, are just the messages I needed to hear today. My husband, who has suffered from anxiety and depression for years, secretly went off his medication this past year and spiraled into a crippling breakdown that caused trust issues, financial pain, and emotional damage to all of us and our children. Survival of our family and our long marriage demanded my forgiveness and as Christians are taught to forgive not 7 times, but 77 times…my heart and soul reached deep to forgive and keep our family together. What is also so hard about forgiving is when our own support system of friends and family doesn’t understand the forgiveness process and thinks we are weak or desperate to forgive and try to heal. This is a lonely time when the forgiveness creates barriers with those whom we love and trust not directly involved in the issue. I know I am the strong one. I know it is me that must forgive and forgive and forgive and love him for where he is at in his life and pray he gets better. Forgiving him is how I can be healthy and be a good mother, and make my dreams come true. I do not want to be a bitter old woman. I would rather be happy than be right. What is right, anyway?

  84. Well said, Marie. Thank you for covering this topic.

    I recently decided wholeheartedly to hold resentment for no one. This was a task, and now it is a habit of health! You can do it, anyone can do it!

    The best thing that I found is, after thinking about an individual, I say to myself: “I resent no one. I have great love and compassion for this person.”

    And then I scan my memory for any sort of resentment for any sort of soul and I say: “I have no resentment.”

    How liberating.

  85. Simona

    Thank You so much for this video. I really needed this it is a blessing to have you and your work in my life . <3

  86. What a topic Marie, Thank You for tackling it!
    On my journey to forgiveness the ‘mantra’ which helps me is; ‘Forgiveness is for Me, Forgiveness sets Me free.’ and a revelation I had which helped me to forgive was when I decided to ‘accept the apology I was never going to receive.’
    The place I find myself at now is accepting that it is an act of self love to not forget. Remembering the lessons, in love, and growing from them. Protect your boundaries in order to be more effective and avoid the same patterns which may have got you into the situation to begin with.
    Much Love, Light and Gratitude to you Marie and thank you for your work.

  87. Forgiveness is wonderful. It is not necessary to forgive in order to move on however. I found that many feel like less of a person if they are not able to forgive fast enough or at all. They often feel a rush to do so and feel guilty if they are not able to. In my opinion, it is fine not to forgive. However, it is necessary to learn how to let go and how to not give the offending person any further power over you. When working on letting go, forgiveness becomes secondary and many times even unnecessary unless the person who upset you asks for forgiveness. There is no reason to feel like less of a person if you don’t forgive. You have only failed if you let the person who did you wrong maintain power over you and if you have failed to find a lesson in what happened. It is okay to place the whole notion of forgiveness in the lap of the offender, making that person the one who has to struggle with the concept of how to correct mistakes and how to go about asking for forgiveness. Of course, it is always wonderful if able to forgive when asked to. It then becomes a two-way gift that truly is meaningful. But, there is a difference between forgiving and letting go. Letting go works too at times when the struggle of forgiving becomes overwhelming and the inability to do so becomes a burden.

  88. Whoa. How do you do that, Marie? Your posts always seems to reflect what’s going on in my life. Weird!

    Recently, I received some devistating news from two people I trusted with my whole heart. They essentially backed out of a major project we had been working on for almost a year before it was done for really lame reasons. This caused severe financial issues and logistic problems for me and my team, setting us WAY back on schedules and delivery timeframes. The dropped a bomb on us with little warning and no regard to how this would affect what we’ve work so hard for up until now.

    The rest of my team was devistated and depressed but I am proud of how they’ve felt the hurt and betrayal then picked up the pieces and are moving on. For me it’s been a process, kind of like greiving. I was shocked, then angry, and now sad but my team has inspired me and we are working through an amicable disengagement.

    It has proven to me that eventually people will show you who they really are, both good and bad. Align yourself with those who show you that are trustworthy and loyal. Let the others who show you they are shallow and untrustworthy go…then move on.

    Thanks for this today. I really needed it. XOXOX

  89. What a great question, and as usual Marie, you nailed it with the answer! Today I accompanied a friend, and student, who needed to go claim back stolen goods. Her house keeper of 5 years had been stealing from her, in large quantities with high ticket items, and lying for several months. I was there as an anchor to help her stay grounded through the process. I watched the struggle as the emotions built up inside. The mis-trust, betrayal, and grief over losing not only a trusted employee, but also a friend. What was wonderful to see, was the forgiveness and the tenderness with which my friend handled the situation. Although this was miserable to go through, for both of them, my friend acted through her higher self to forgive and knew that it was for her own healing. This practice of forgiving will help her rebuild trust in having people in her home again. I was humbled by her strength and ability to work through the situation.
    To forgive is to heal.

  90. wendy

    how do i forgive one whom molested my whole family and still affects me it today 33 years later i have lost everything because of the aftermath my 6 kids where taken by the state because im so angry at the world for not protecting me as a child i have no family support he became leader in his community and church and im nothing but a gutter rat persecuted for his crimes how do i forgive myself for letting him have such a hold over my emotiobn s he destroyed all my trust and my believe system and friends which i think about regularly as
    a 8 year old this is to much to bear so i blocked it for it all to come flooding back when i had babies it was suppose to be the most pleasurable and it was the most devasting

    • Wendy, I am so deeply, deeply sorry for the pain you’re experiencing. What I can see from your comment is that you have strength and resolve in you. You’re a resilient woman and I know in my heart of hearts, that healing is possible. Forgiveness may be a bit further down the road, but right now it’s about finding a way to reclaim your power and heal yourself. This will likely take time, but I have complete faith for a new life for you. If you’re open to more resources that could support you on your journey, my dear friend Dr. Ned Hallowell has written a book on the subject called “Dare to Forgive.” He stresses that forgiveness is a process, not a singular moment. He defines forgiveness not as condoning what was done or allowing for no punishment or retribution, but rather ridding yourself of the hold anger and resentment have over you. May God’s grace and love be with you. Sending you enormous love and support. XO M

    • Ruby

      wendy, I went through similar experience, I did not have children, did not go through that loss. my heart goes out to you there. I did not trust myself not become monster to my own children. I decided in myself that this was going to stop with me. i was not going to carry it forward. I had blocked out my memories too. The beauty I have found in grappling with this in my own inner self, there is healing happening in my family tree. I’ve come to realize that whatever steps I take towards healing within me is felt immediately by everyone connected to me. and the same for me, I am helped by the steps that others take. Know that every step you take towards healing your own woundedness, this will be the best gift you can give yourself, your children, the world. Love and heal that precious child you were. Beauty I know, and hold for you, is that nothing can damage our core self. There is core part of us that cannot be touched. The rest are experiences that Presence whatever you call the Invisible Consciousness in Life, This Presence will turn the worst, ugliest experiences into something of beauty. I honor your courage. You are stronger than that ugliness. way stronger, and more beautiful.

  91. First of all thank you for the video.

    I believe people who can forgive sooner than later are the one who can express their emotions easily. Meaning that they are open and honest in their communication. It is not easy for all people though, specially for someone who is more “watery” element and tends to feel really deeply but it is hard for them to show/express it. They seem to hold emotions like a jar instead of showing and sharing them like fire.

    However I believe the hardest one is forgiving yourself. I choose today that I’ll sincerely start to show more willingness (thank you for that!) to forgive myself and stop beating myself up. Sometimes I’m so tired of all this expectations of being “perfect” … at I’m not that harsh on other people.:)

    Thanks <3

  92. Hi Marie,

    GREAT video, especially your comment about being wise about listening to our inner guidance. I teach forgiveness in much the same way as you noted in the show. I’m working with nearly 200 other spiritual communities with a particular focus in 2016 by writing about his in my weekly blog, “Making Sense of Life.” I also do a “daily edition” of the blog on FB. Here’s the posting on that’s coming up on the 15 on …. drum roll …. forgiveness!

    Thanks, as always, for being YOU as only you can and being such a light in my every week.


    Making Sense of Life – Daily Edition
    For January 15, 2016
    Suffering Part Five – Forgive
    – By Terry Drew Karanen

    Is there someone or something in your life that you cannot forgive? If you said, Yes, you are not alone. Even the Christian Bible talks about “the unforgivable sin.”

    Counseling clients and students of mine have told me that the reason they can’t forgive someone in their past is because that person doesn’t deserve their forgiveness. The act was too grave; the abuse too severe. The sad part is that while that the past act may have been horrible, that situation is … well … passed.

    The abuse that is occurring today is not the perpetrator, liar, unfaithful spouse or unscrupulous business partner. The present abuse is being heaped upon us by … well … us. It’s not whether or not “they” deserve forgiveness. The point is that WE do!

    Take some time today to consider how you might make the quantum leap to letting go of the past through forgiveness. Holding on to grudges and past hurts serve only two purposes: They tie us psychically to the person we hold responsible and stop our own prosperity, abundance, joy, complete health and happiness. Don’t you deserve to let it go?

  93. When people hurt us..they think its our perspective. I have noticed that everyone feels that they are the victim and everyone has their side of story.
    Over the years I have realized genuinely letting go and forgiving has made me much wiser and creative…Yes Creativity does get blocked with negative emotions.
    I am obsessed with meditation and especially those removing negative charge. I have my favorite one from Gabby Bernstein’s book … It takes me to whole different level 🙂 Glad found a way out of the ocassional emotional turmoil.

  94. Marie,
    I have struggled with this the great majority of my life. To say my family was dysfunctional would be kind. I know everyone has a story, but mine is sad and entertaining at the same time. I continued the trauma in a 20 year marriage. Bitterness and anger has followed me into every relationship making it difficult to keep intimate friendships and loving relationships. Fear of getting hurt was a background program always playing in my mind. I had a miserable life and was successfully taking others down the path of despair with me. Including my children.

    For the past few years I have been working with Bill Krause who wrote the book on forgiveness ( I was so angry with my parents, my ex-husband, people, etc, who I believed failed me, and mostly myself for believing I could have somehow prevented their actions. Through this simple book and the love and kindness of Bill Krause and his team, I learned that YOU ARE RIGHT, practicing forgiveness is vital and it works!

    I am happier, my children are thriving, and my business is more successful than I ever dreamed. I am active and very involved in my community. I am an advocate for the arts and education with a foundation that’s making an impact in the lives of kids all over Northern California.

    Once I learned to apply this one thing to my life, my life changed. I stopped expecting people to hurt me, and allowed them to love me. It’s amazing how once I just started forgiving… I started soaring.

    It’s true Marie. You don’t forget and you must be wise not to put yourself in situations with the same people that have the potential to do the same thing to hurt you. That’s crazy, yet I did it for years. Now, I forgive, do something good, and move on. It genuinely works.

    I’m so grateful that you shared this Marie. This kind of message will bring people the peace and success they don’t know how to get to without being whole and free inside . Thank you for being a world changer!

    Blessings and Joy!

  95. Hi Marie, great topic. I find it difficult to let go and forgive when the person who wronged me tries to sweep it under the rug and never address it with me, so neither of us get the opportunity to grow from it, they just avoid it. The other thing I have run into is that sometimes people get so hooked into social media, that they use that or a text or some impersonal way to apologize and then pretend nothing ever happened in person, & I find it really hard to forgive someone when that happens. But I also recognize that I forgive them for my peace of mind, and it is completely okay to stand up for my boundaries and be firm even if in my heart I forgive them for what they did, I don’t forget it, I try to learn from it, and understand what I might need to do differently in the future when dealing with them, if I still have to deal with them. I do believe in second chances, & I forgive others because if I screw up I want to be forgiven too, & I don’t want it held over my head. Good topic, thanks for posting.

  96. Heather

    One basic requirement for forgiveness is that the person who hurt you has to acknowledge that they were wrong. If the person does not acknowledge that they were wrong, you will be forgiving someone who does not feel that they need to be forgiven. If you then let that person back into your life, without any acknowledgment on their part that they did anything wrong, you’ll likely find yourself being hurt by this person again. So, the person has to first acknowledge that they were wrong first before any forgiveness is even possible. Yes, as Marie said, you can forgive and not let the person back intoi your life, but it’s counter-productive to forgive someone who doesn’t think they’ve done anything wrong, if they don’t think they need to be forgiven in the first place. With people like that, just move on and accept that they’re not a good person to have in your life if they keep hurting you and they don’t think they’re doing anything wrong.

  97. Loved this episode. Over the past few years I have been on a long road to forgiveness that has actually lead to major transformations in the way I understand money. In fact, I think its how I found Marie TV.

    Here’s the story: After my husband’s mother passed away, he gave her house to his sister and her children. He had bought that house for them before he bought one for himself. My sister-in-law had never had a career, or managed money, so he knew it was her best chance for survival. We’ve always been hard working, and we knew we’d be able to do the same for ourselves some day.

    However, my sister-in-law sold the house and all the money disappeared within a few years. Ever since then, they’ve been apartment nomads in bad areas of Bogota (where we live) and I’ve always felt that the weight of her mistake landed on me and my family. No matter how much we try to help her it’s never enough. (However that was always my perception, not hers.)

    Because I was poisoning myself with so much resentment I started reading The Course in Miracles to try to deal with the situation. As a result this whole new world opened up and I googled my way onto Marie TV.

    One huge miracle that happened along the way, is that right at the point when she ran out of money, my husband and I were finally expecting a baby and were able to hire her as a nanny.

    Life definitely still has its challenges, but because of everything I’ve learned about money, due to this difficult situation, I know the day will come when I’m actually thankful for all we’ve been through. I think about that day a lot and I can feel it coming.

  98. Corina Vanana Valcan


    First of all as it`s just the beginning of 2016 Mounth January, I have to say you a Happy New Year, as I didn`t had time to write you on December 2015. But I now I really wanted to read your article and watch the video as I also have problems regardings the “art of forgiving when you can`t forget”. When you ask yourself what the “problems” mean I would say to you there are the “figh-like-discussions” with different persons. But actually I stare away from such “problems” – “figh-like-discussions”, as I don`t like their detailings or a negative assign. Prefare for example your laughing, your smile, your good TV words for many peoples and I am really free, happy that I know such informations from you or even from other persons. Thank you, thank you!

  99. Shaina

    I really enjoyed this episode. I have been struggling with forgiving and rebuilding trust with a particular friend for the past year. We have very different communication patterns and, unfortunately, it’s come to a head a couple of times in the past year. While I’ve basically forgiven him for what’s happened, I have to say the hardest step really was forgiving myself first. I beat myself up for what had happened. “If only I had done this” etc. The next step is rebuilding trust… and I feel that is similar. In a way, I don’t fully trust myself either.

    Thank you for the words of wisdom. (Loved the tweetable, too. I agree completely).

  100. I really liked this episode because I do think forgiveness is essential. Another key take away is that resentment takes a great deal
    Of energy that you continue to give to that person or persons when you don’t forgive that has no positive impact on your life, mentally, emotionally or physically.
    Forgiveness is greater than a gift you give yourself it is a truly enlightening moment if you can draw the lesson you took away from the situation. The more you hold on to baggage and bad feelings the more weighed down you will be!

    • No truer words. I feel like I’m weighing a ton these days. I will find a way to let go of my resentment and anger so that I can live with ease and love! Lots of good encouragement here!


  101. Amanda

    Thank you so much Marie! I’ve done a lot of forgivness work in the past few years, but I had not considered the “forgive yourself” part so far. After watching this video, I realized that I need to show myself the same understanding and compassion that I have been willing to bestow to others.

    Thank you for improving my life one video at a time!

  102. Lynn

    I recently had someone really undermine and destroy some opportunities that I had professionally. Although this person has a reputation of being “a little crazy”, what she did really hurt me professionally.

    I’ve just launched a new business and I’m afraid of her learning about it because I feel she’s capable of doing harm again.

    This makes me a little paranoid and not able to fully enjoy this moment in my career.

    Any suggestions?

    • Hey Lynn,
      If i were you i would first clearly let go of all the resentment towards her, and only send this person love and really try to undersand her.

      Then realize, as long as you are doing your new business from a place of service and from your genuin heart, nothing can stop you,

      Even if they try to stop it, something bigger, better will come out of it and you will be a winner at the end.

      Because you choose to open your heart, life is on your side, because life is always ont he side of the branch that is willing to grow and prosper others.

      Dont fear my dear one, just choose to forgive, and you are bound to be successful 🙂


    • Hi Lynn,
      My advice is to focus your energies on your new found business and let her do her own thing and have a attitude that she won’t be able to catch up to you anyway because you are the better person, find a spiritual connection and talk it through, you will start to see some major changes in a positive way.

      All the best,

  103. In 2008, I was hit and run over by a car in NYC.

    Oddly enough, I was never angry at the woman who hit me. Always had a lot of compassion for her.

    My anger was pointed at God — my Higher Power — Buddha, Elvis, whatever unnamable energy I happened to be calling it.

    I had to find a way, over the course of many years (and many doctors and healers) to forgive. The non-forgiveness was only serving to increase fear and frustration in my life and pain in my physical body.

    As I leaned into the possibility of letting this go, not only did the physical pain in my body start to soften and release, but my life started opening up in ways I couldn’t have previously imagined.

    I subsequently used this incident as a catalyst in building my own business and creating something beautiful from the mess.

    It certainly hasn’t been easy — and forgiveness has been a *process* for me, not a singular event — but it’s been more than worth it every step of the way.

    Thanks for this lovely reminder. 🙂

    • Kristin - Team Forleo

      Karen, I’m so sorry that happened to you, but thank you so much for sharing this powerful experience with us. Your outlook is truly incredible!

  104. Amy

    It is so crazy that you have this topic right now. I just had an argument with my wife last weekend and all this old resentment started pouring out. As it was coming out, I could feel distinctly how it had been poisoning me deep in my physical body. I hadn’t even known consciously that it was there. I also found that hidden under all this resentment for her was hatred for myself at the way I had stopped being the loving, giving person that I want to be. It was pretty sobering but also very positive because now it is out in the open; now it can be healed. After all this happened, I was struggling with not getting stuck in shame and guilt – this is where forgiveness came in! I just needed to forgive myself and move forward the way that I want to be. Thank you for the Q and A on the topic. Really cements the lesson for me.

    • Thank you Amy, you bring a great point, which i almost forgot but i had struggled with alot.

      I had a friend who hurt me, and every time i thought of him I felt really bad, even though I had already tired to forgive him, I felt really resentful towards him and every time i heard his name.

      Then I would feel a new layer of anger rising for my lack of ability to forgive, and because forgivness is my value in life and i truely live with it.

      So the layer of guilt/shame on the top of the pain.

      For me the realization came, when I realized, because i believed in forgiveness, I was trying to force him to open his heart too, not accepting the rythm of life and that we all grow mature and choose love instead of judgment in our own perfect timing.

      Thanks for reminding me this 🙂 cheers


  105. Zeena Dhalla

    I recently did a Reiki session to help me overcome my ANGER which has led me to be more open about FORGIVENESS.

  106. The key for me with forgiveness is to realize that anger arises when a need goes unmet, so I generally need to take responsibility for meeting that need before I’m able to forgive the person who let me down. Sometimes I meet that need myself, sometimes I get it from someone else, and sometimes I have to work it out with the person who let me down. I’ve found it easy to mentally decide to forgive someone, but it takes a long time for my emotions to catch up and to feel it in my heart.

  107. Great topic Marie,
    At a retreat that I put on recently a guest facilitator said something that struck a chord with me. He started out speaking about all of our actions either rising out of love or fear (not a new concept). Then he asked us to think back on all the mistakes and events in our lives that we wished we could change, and asked us to consider the fact that we were acting in the most loving way available to us in that moment.

    If there was a more loving way available to us in that moment wouldn’t we have chosen it?

    When we look back in hindsight, we often see the better way, the more loving way that we could have behaved, but in every moment aren’t we really doing the best that is currently available to us? This new way of looking at my events allowed me to do the same for the people who have hurt or betrayed me. Their own life events caused them to do the things they did that hurt me, but they too were acting in the most loving way available to them at the time or they would have chosen differently.

    None of that says that I should continue to put myself in the company of people who’s fears are so great that they sacrifice everyone around them in order to feel safe and in control. But it is rarely that cut and dried any way.

    The next question I asked is, “am I willing and able to start over let today be the new first day of our relationship?” Can I move forward without holding prior mistakes over the other person’s head or force them to continue to pay for their mistake?
    If not, then it is usually best for both of us to release and move forward, because in that situation I am the one who’s behavior is now harmful to the other.

    • Thank you for this Lesley – I wrote that one down.

      1. Reflecting back to our life about our actions that were out of fear (instead of love) and considering that we actually didnt know better

      2. Projecting the same frame of thinking to the person who has hurt us,

  108. I don’t know where I heard this quote, but it has been helpful to me. “In order to forgive, something else has to die. Forgiveness involves grief.”

    I had a situation with a very close friend where she just cut me off. Seven months later she called me to apologize for her behavior, and offered no explanation. I immediately had forgiven her (and I meant it), though I wanted to know if that was ever going to happen again. She couldn’t confirm that it wouldn’t. We are no longer friends.

    I think about that friendship often and how could be friends again. If we did, the friendship that we once had could no longer exist. It died. Though it may be possible to have a different kind of friendship. I am still thinking.

  109. Vanessa

    RE: The Art of Forgiving When You Can’t Forget

    After listening and watching your video, I had to take a breather and reflect how I have forgiven and realized in time, how it has changed my perception of situations I have gone through in my life. Its scary, but I’ve grown a lot, and if I had the opportunity to change anything, I would not. Granted, the situations I am referring to are not as extreme as the situations you had given as examples, but these events have humbled me and I have learned to appreciate no matter how big or small.

  110. Thank you so much Marie & Team. Your videos have become a part of my Wednesday morning routine.
    I could say so much about forgiveness. But we’d be here all day. So I’ll just say that forgiveness is something I am working on. For the relationships that truly matter forgiveness and communication go together. I have met people who have not forgiven me because I passed on a headcold [were they ever really a friend?]. I have friends with whom we have a verbal agreement that we let each other know when we’ve upset each other, so that we don’t let the resentment linger.
    Forgiveness and trust… Wow, what a field day that subject is.
    Happy new year y’all!

  111. Liz Taylor

    So pivotal for me to hear Marie! Thank you! This Mercury retrograde is definitely bringing up people and cycles that need forgiveness for violating my trust. I need a salt bath! Love you for all that you do! Already, getting excited about my B-school video!!!

  112. oliver

    Yes, I am struggling with forgiving a person’s behavior even though I realize it was brought about by cultural differences.
    I agree with all the techniques for forgiving provided in this video and offer no additional alternatives.

  113. Thanks Marie, the timing of this was perfect. As a teenager I discovered that forgiveness became vital for myself when I noticed it was changing who I was, and I felt that not forgiving was enabling the person who wronged me to continue to drain personal power from me, and I made a conscious decision to not allow this anymore. Forgiveness for me, meant recognizing that anger and bitterness was affecting my outlook, and then taking steps to release myself from that cycle, which is likely akin to ‘step 1.’ Forgiving the other person was also a matter of feeling empowered, and my mantra was along the lines of, ‘I release you in forgiveness because my anger has no effect on you, and it’s eating me up. You have no power over me anymore.’ Over the years, a lack of forgiveness towards others or myself has been felt in a variety of ways, such as on one occasion I would get a sensation of numbness in my right arm whenever I was in contact with someone I needed to forgive myself over. Now that I am much older, I am dealing with another forgiveness issue which causes my hands to shake when I am dealing with this person, and I am in the process of forgiving again. I guess my body tells me I have let it go. Rebuilding trust however, is entirely optional as you say, and I also feel it’s a different process all together, but I do feel that if rebuilding trust with someone feels like you’re giving away too much of yourself, then it is either too early or not necessary at all to continue a relationship. I think it’s important to accept that not all relationships are meant to be held onto indefinitely. Also, I agree that forgiveness and trust do not have to go hand in hand, but I think trust and a relationship are closely related and it is not healthy to engage in a relationship in which there is little or no trust. There are all sorts of ways to rebuild trust, but my experience suggests that we can listen to our body, feel into the situation even when we are just thinking about contacting someone we are skeptical about, and I believe that just checking on whether it makes you feel ‘larger’ in personal energy, or ‘shrunken’ by it, can guide us in the future.

    • Chelsea - Team Forleo

      Tiffany, thank you so much for sharing these thoughts. I love what you said about checking to see if it makes us feel larger or shrunken by it energetically. That’s such a helpful idea.

  114. For me, forgiveness means understanding that it’s not about you and the only way to freedom and happiness is to forgive.

    I love how you talked about forgiving doesn’t mean you have to include that person in your life or that you have to trust them. Trust is earned.

    Great video .. as per usual! Thank you 😉

    • Chelsea - Team Forleo

      Thank you, Janet — so glad you enjoyed it.

  115. mimi

    I was bowled over Marie by your immediately pointing out the distinction between forgiving and trusting. Really great. One of your other guests led me to Brene Brown, who spoke on The Anatomy of Trust. It’s such a beautiful talk about who has earned your trust, and how it’s earned.
    I think that with all you said, and trust clearly defined, it’s going to be for me a lot easier to first not get into situations that will require forgiving, and/but also to be able to see, as you said, after the fact clearly and learn from it. Thanks again — as usual Marie. You’re very generous.

  116. As a result of desperately trying to heal my own broken heart I discovered a prayer that focuses more on the energy of forgiveness over the act that is to be forgiven. I have used it with many of my clients and most have experienced an instant sense of relief. Holding onto resentment and hurt prevents one from holding onto anything else.

    • Chelsea - Team Forleo

      Couldn’t agree more, Mare — beautifully said.

  117. Jack

    Great video. When I was younger especially I had an anxiety disorder, and in my early 20s a breakdown (a long time ago now). I always struggled with the idea of forgiveness since I felt judged and held at arms length by people who witnessed my difficulties but judged instead of understood them. It felt to me as if forgiving them was absolving them while they CONTINUED to treat me unfairly. In more recent years ive learnt that everybody is doing their best according to their current understanding and circumstances.. What we do might be far from ideal but it was the best option available in our mind at the time.. In that context Maries statement in the video that we can forgive a person yet not allow them in our lives makes a lot of sense. We can forgive them in the sense of understanding that their behaviour flows from their unique understanding and circumstances. Yet we could legitimately hold them out of our lives if that imperfect understanding and harmful behaviour continues. But given none of us comes from a place of perfect understanding or circumstances we are all at some time the person doing the wrong thing and it doesnt make us ‘bad’ it makes the behaviour bad. If we can come to our senses with a breakthrough in understanding and thinking in relation to our past imperfect behaviour then so can the person who ‘wronged’ us. So often I suppose people dont come to their senses, even refusing to hear your side, yet transcendentally some of us do come to understand. So I suppose it could be a balance, keeping the door open for genuine change when it occurs and the hope of true relationship healing and closeness, or forgiving in terms of understanding that a human being is deep in confusion, but has not yet changed, and therefore needs to be held at arms length.

    • Chelsea - Team Forleo

      Jack, love, love, love this line in what you shared — “In more recent years, I’ve learned that everybody is doing their best according to their current understanding and circumstances.”

      That has been an immensely helpful thought and tool in my own life as well. Thanks for sharing these thoughts with us.

  118. Some persons have found healing here:


    I apologize for all I have said or done
    that has hurt any person, and I am sorry.

    I forgive all persons, including myself,
    for anything said or done that has hurt me.

    I promise to live in peace and good will
    with everyone from this day onward.

    U.S. Copyright TXu1-353-018

  119. I see Forgiveness as necessary for happiness and good health, so I practice forgiveness regularly. Having said that, I use 3 levels of forgiveness in my practice. 1) Forgive and have nothing further to do with the person or situation; 2) Forgive and be willing to have contact, the level of which is determined as we move forward with re-building trust, or not. If not, the person is given a new status in my life accordingly and time/energy is allocated accordingly; 3) Forgive and forget as though nothing ever happened. Very difficult to do. I’ve done it, but I usually go with the second option to give people an opportunity to re-build. I always ask myself: What’s the lesson is here? What can I learn from this situation? What part might I have played to bring this situation into my life literally or spiritually? How has this changed me? Do I need to make a change? I believe holding on to the hurt/anger is just like “drinking poison in the hope that the enemy will die” and I’ve seen lots of people choose that route to their own peril. I forgive for me, and then expand it from there. Great topic!

    • Chelsea - Team Forleo

      Lisa, those three levels are so right on, and I love the way you approach each one with asking what you can learn from it or where the opportunity is.

  120. Beautiful show, Marie. I too was betrayed by someone I loved deeply and trusted completely. I learned these lessons from a wise man I know: asking the question “why did this happen to me” only keeps me in a place of pain. Even if I had the answer, it would not change how things are now. So I’ve learned to let go of the “why” part; second, re-building trust is not a light switch that goes on and off, either or; it is a process that takes a very long time and depends on 100% consistent behavior from the other person which means that person must also be willing to care enough about the relationship to do this work. Sometimes, they are just not willing to do this and the relationship may be altered forever. You are right, Marie, so right, that it gives us opportunities to become strong once we evaluate what happened. Sometimes, while not wanting to continue to feel like a victim forever, we do need to acknowledge that we might have been in whatever the betrayal was–and I think this is healthy.

    • Michelle

      I had the same thing recently happen to me if you see my post. I agree it does take time and once you digest what has happened to you, you become a little stronger every day. I already know even though I feel victimized, I can’t remain this way because then he and this woman wins. My husband would love to see me bitter and upset, but then you realize you’re not going to give it to him. I guess this is one step closer to healing.

  121. Kirsty

    So true. So ironically timely. And so wonderfully and warmly articulated. Thank you Marie! I just love your weekly shows!!!

    After watching I wished I could teleport to ask you to ask – “and then what?” … “What if you forgive someone, and then they show no empathy and instead keep wanting your blessing that what they did was right. Suddenly you feel frustrated and angry all over again, that you started to forgive them and move on (obviously with reserved trust), and they keep calling you names and pushing you to say that they were right.”

    … Given that I don’t own a teleporter, I had to sit and think a moment. And what came up is that maybe forgiveness sometimes needs to be layered. Like a cake. I forgive you for the original source of conflict, AND I forgive you for not understanding my point of view, AND I forgive you for thinking it’s ok to bully me with words, AND I forgive you for wanting me to give you my blessing when I won’t. I forgive you that it’s ok to have different opinions, even if I am re-evaluating our trust levels. But I am willing to forgive you as many times as I need to … Bring on the forgiveness layer cake … And any other constructive tips and ideas …

    Also – thank you to the people above me in the comments with such insightful comments. I enjoyed reading about what “forgiveness” looks and feels like … And also thought it was a good idea to ensure people don’t feel shame when trying to find the capacity to forgive. And Dylan’s comment about the best time to forgive being “when not forgiving is holding you back” was well said.

    Sending love & good vibes xxx

    • Chelsea - Team Forleo

      Yes, Kirsty, isn’t it amazing to read through and see what forgiveness looks like and feels like in everybody’s various experiences and lives?!

      We’re sending loads of love right back atcha!

  122. Time to do some action around this because not forgiving takes up real estate in my brain and heart!



    P.S. I know I will come through the other side.

  123. That’s a beautiful expression of what forgiveness is and how to get there. I had one of those aha moments recently, realizing something I had written would inflict pain if I posted it. It was a comeuppance for me. I thought I’d completed the forgiveness process with the person and had to acknowledge I still had work to do. The post, and the book that follows, will be much stronger once I’ve done that work. Thanks for this.

  124. Marie,

    Great subject and hard for most to tackle. That is why we avoid it.
    I was a very gay kid raised in a military family by a sexist, bigoted, racist and homophobic father. He made no attempts to disguise his resentment and dislike for me. He believed all men should be military heroes or sports stars and I was destined to be neither.
    My parents eventually divorced and we were estranged for many years. In my early 20’s, after therapy pointed out I was wasting to much emotional energy hating him, I decided to ‘let it go’. I wrote him a letter explaining how I felt and sent it to him. I flew to the city he and his new wife lived in and landed on his front door. I told him I was aware that I was a disappointment to him as I was not the son he wanted but he was also a disappointment to me as he was not the father I needed.
    I told him I would be willing to have a relationship with him if he was able to have no expectations of me as a son, as I had no expectations of him as a father. If we could possibly learn to like each other as people, not as a father and son, maybe a relationship would be possible.
    He and his wife eventually moved back to our home city and he was a regular part of my life. For 25 years my partner and I hosted he and his wife in our home as we did all our friends and family. We became mutual supporters of each others endeavors. He became my biggest fan, supporting all of my business ideas, my involvement with my community and was on my campaign team when I ran for public office.
    I realized that his feelings for me as a kid were born from his inability to understand me and a fear there would be no place in the world for a kid like me. Every time he knocked me down, he wanted me to get back up, every time he called me a fag, fairy or queer, he wanted me to know it would be painful when the world did too. Every time he told my my effort wasn’t good enough it was because I would probably have to try harder than others to make it in a world that may be cruel, as he was, to someone like me. I realized as an adult who eventually learned to love his dad, he was preparing me for the world, one that may not accept me. I became resilient, stood up for what I believed in and the people I loved. I worked hard to prove myself and I became successful at the things I pursued. He taught me that was necessary and I began to appreciate the early life bootcamp he put me through.
    He died suddenly last year at 72. He was a vibrant, happy, engaged, generous, funny and lovely man. I was with him at 5am, in his bed, holding him when he died. It was one of the gifts I will forever be grateful for.
    Another is that I forgave the man he was so I could love the man he became.
    I lived a better life for it.


    Fred Connors

    • Hey Fred that was beautiful bro – so heart warming sharing.

      Your level of understanding of your father is so beautiful.

      one idea came to me, if you felt inspired to, you could grab your iphone and shoot a short video sharing your process of forgivness.

      I promise the positive karma will be worth the hassle

      I did something similar about my previous steroids addictions and drug addictions and I got so many people msging me on how it helped them.

      Either way, thank you for sharing! 🙂

      Cheers brother

      Sean PI Stewart

    • Fred, THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart for sharing your story so bravely and so eloquently. You are a blessing in this world. This line “Another is that I forgave the man he was so I could love the man he became.” — broke me open. Wow, wow, wow. All my love and respect to you. XOXOOXO (times a million) M

      • Marie,
        Thank you so much for shining a light on this subject as you do many others. Most need permission to share and you create an amazing platform for that to take place.
        If your new format involves talking to MF Insiders, as well as published experts on Marie TV, you have culled a huge community of talent and expertise and I love sharing…..
        The shout-out was amazing and I am glad you read all of your comments. I think that is one of the many reasons people in your community love you the way they do.
        I did not have tears in my eyes writing the original post, I did reading your response to it and those of other supportive strangers who are part of the constellation you created.
        Fred xo

    • Crying reading this, so beautiful that you had the courage and open heart to give your father another chance and through you, you taught him change. Thank you for sharing this x

      • Honest Mum,
        I think the taught me more. It just took me a while to figure it out.
        Thanks for the x. We could all use more love.

    • Deb

      How courageous, Fred!

      Postively inspiring. Thank you so much for this.

      • Deb,
        It was with more pride than courage.
        Thanks for the kind words.

    • Oh, Fred! Wow. Just wow. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It’s beautiful. All my love to you!

    • Thanks a lot Fred for sharing that so personal story!

      You got the courage to offer yourself the gift of forgiving him.
      You understood his fears, you forgave his fear-based behavior, you managed to discover his humanity.
      You got the strength and humility of searching how his behavior let you become a better person.
      It seems you also have the power, when faced to decease of a loved one, not to focus so much on the instant of disparition, but rather to focus on all the lovely moments and emotional moments lived together.
      My experience is that many people don’t have the self-consciousness or guidance or strength to achieve all that.

      You are mastering severaly great keys to happiness – and you share them via that testimony: Thanks again Fred!

      Life is great!!

      • Louis,
        People are often curious about why I am the way I am and why I do the things I do. I always say it is because I am happy. People underestimate the power of authentic happiness.
        I swear by it and never let bullshitters get in the way!
        Thanks for the great insights!!!!!

    • Suzana

      Thank you for sharing your story. You´re BIG in the sence that you´ve shown real greatness and grace. Let your light shine. Namaste Suzana

    • Angeline Johnson

      Thanks for the kindness of offering this to all of us.

      I’m not gay, myself, but my mother’s ‘suspicion’ that I was homosexual (good at math? left handed? outdoorsy/tomboy-y?) were just another awkwardness that kept us from having anything like a healthy relationship. They may be still yet another manifestation of her mental illness. Trying to see the nexus between fear for *me* and love for *me*, vs fear of hers ‘for’ her is a useful thing for me to consider.

      • Angeline,
        It is when it no longer mattered what my dad thought of me as a son I was able to accept him as an imperfect human. She will be the only mother who gave birth to you. That is a relationship worth figuring out or at least letting go of any expectations and searching for something likable to hold on to and value. When you find one reason to like her, you may find another, and another. It will be worth the effort because one day she will be dead, and you will still be disappointed in her, if you can’t find a reason to at least like her.
        Fred xo

        • Sheira

          Hi Fred!
          I have to say I am amazed by all of these exchanges that I just came across this morning. Your response here sparked something in me – something I went through with my own mother years ago. I had so much resentment and anger for her not being the mother I needed. I had a moment of enlightenment on my personal development journey that hit me right between the eyes and that is… Gratitude. I remember deciding to be thankful to my mother for being my teacher. My teacher of “what not to do”….it totally changed the paradigm for me and I’ve been much more at peace ever since.
          Thank you for reminding us all that being our authentic human selves is such a gift!!! And I totally agree with your take on happiness… My husband calls me “the happy idiot” ( meaning I only see the good in things) and I’m very ok with the title! ?

          • Shiera,

            Every parent, good ones and the bad ones have lessons to offer their children. I’m glad you learned something from yours. I have realized the parents we get are the ones we were supposed to have. It is up to us to do something with the little or abundance they offer us.
            Being a happy idiot is so much better than being an angry one!!!!


    • Sheri

      Beautiful Fred! Just beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing this.
      Your story is stored inside me now and will help me to be a better
      person and more understanding and forgiving. I thought of the song
      by Johnny Cash. “A Boy Named Sue.” The Father named him Sue
      b/c he knew he wouldn’t be around and he wanted him to be tough w/o
      a Dad. When the boy grows up he hunts his Dad down in a bar and they
      duke it out and he realized that he did it out of love for him. As a parent
      I look back at some of the things my parents did and I see it now in a different light.

      Love and blessings to you!

      • Sheri,
        I am downloading the song and making it my anthem!!!
        Thank you for sharing that!!!

        • Sheri

          That’s awesome Fred! I’m glad you like the song. It’s yours now!

          Big Hug to you!


    • Brandi Mahurin

      Fred, thank you for sharing your story. I had tears in my eyes of happiness for you. My dad and I have a friendship that is tenuous at best and this gives me hope.

      • Brandi,
        I hated my dad for half of my life, then I didn’t. If you have a tenuous friendship, that is more than many have to start. There is something to build on. Go build something great. You will be glad you did.

    • Dear Fred,

      Thank you so much for your inspirational letter. It brought me to tears.

      I’m a Savannah advice columnist with a reader who could have benefitted from your insights, if only your letter had posted a few months sooner. After last year’s Supreme Court ruling on gay marriage, I received a letter from gay man who’s angry for not being straight because his friends and family ostracized him when he was a child. I did my best to give him a loving, inspirational answer, but it was nothing even close to your healing insights.

      Thank you again for sharing your story with us, Fred. Marie’s right — the world needs that special something that only you have. Sending much love and light to you!

      Your pal,

      • Erin,
        Sometimes you have to live it to know it for sure. People will be angry and that is why we need people like you, shedding insight and a fresh perspective. One day he will hear something that resonates. If I did not seek advice when I needed it the most and was most able to receive it, my life would not have turned out as it has. One day he will hear something that changes the way he sees the world and in the meantime you are having an impact on the lives of people ready to receive…
        Your pal also,

    • Luz

      Dear Fred,

      God send you to earth with a message and a mission, and you have carried it out so beautifully! You gave your father the greatest lesson and gift, and he, although not so visibly, also gifted you with an experience that forever touched you and all of us. Thank you for sharing this! I would like to share your story with others (I work with groups of women). Please, if you could send me your email, I would like to contact you sometime soon.
      May God bless you always!

    • Wow, Fred, I felt like I was reading the jacket of a book! It is incredible how insightful you became once you were willing to forgive. My God, how wise you are! The part about your father preparing you for the world — what an aha moment for me. Any of us could apply that to those we want to forgive because they don’t accept us as we are (as is the case with my mother, for different reasons). Thank you and all my best wishes for you.

      • Anna,
        I have learned that often the more we are unlike our parents, the more difficult it is for them to accept us. It is the human condition and evolution that makes a parent expect their children to be just like them. It is the things that make us different that contribute to our ability to be extraordinary. If our parents are lucky, they one day catch on and appreciate it as we continue to live our lives as fully and happily as we were meant to.
        Best to you,

    • Lindsay


      I have been trying to find the words to express my gratitude for sharing your story, but I am speechless. The only thing I can think to say is that if you can let go and forgive, I know I can too. Just like you, I will be so much better off for it. It’s time to stop holding myself back and let my heart heal.

      Sending you so much love,

      Lindsay (the one who wrote in asking this question) 🙂

      • Lindsay,

        Thanks so much for the comment and for sending in the question in the first place. I don’t often comment but as Marie was addressing your question, I knew immediately that I had something to share. I have you to thank for that opportunity. One of the best things I have done for my own wellness was to learn to love the man I spent the first half of my life hating. Letting go of anger and disappointment allows room for more fulfillment and joy. Many around me could not understand how I was able to embrace someone who once caused pain. They were never able to see the person he became. They are still angry while I look back on my relationship with my dad and am able to smile.
        Forgiveness is not the same for everyone. I hope you find the version that works for you and fearlessly embrace it.
        Life is happier when we do!!

        With gratitude,


    • Tamara

      Thank you for sharing your powerful story Fred. I can’t help but think of the courage, and the vulnerability, that it took for you to “land” at your father’s front door. Gosh, if we could all approach our relationships like this; what a better and more joyful life we would have.

    • Kathy

      So happy that you got to know the man who gave you life and were able become friends. It took a lot of strength and courage to take the rout you did, but it was the best anyone could have taken.
      I envy you having the turn around with your dad as I was not able to forgive mine as he died in the hospice.
      You are so inspirational. xx

  125. I have learned from being hurt in the past that I can love from a distance. I can forgive but that doesn’t mean I have to be around them to give them another opportunity.

  126. Forgiveness is a Love sign, so at some point and time we should forgive to keep our love flag flying high. It is very important. Thank you Marie for bringing this subject to Light.

  127. Dee

    Amazing. So humbled and touched by your humanity and loveliness. Thank you a million times for all you do. And thanks to the fabulous peeps who bring and share themselves here too.

    • Chelsea - Team Forleo

      Dee, what an absolutely lovely comment! We’re honored by it. Thank you so much for being here with us.

  128. Malala’s story resides in the forgiveness hall of fame as well!
    What has helped me forgive is knowing that every person is doing their best at their personal level of consciousness. Having lived through my lesser-bright days, this usually supercharges my compassion towards these individuals. Like you, I’m always asking ‘What can I learn’ ‘What can I learn’ ‘What can I learn?’ if my compassion is hiding on a certain day and I’m all worked up in a tizzy. The answer may not always come right away, but it comes when we allow it to.
    Thanks for this, Marie!

    • Chelsea - Team Forleo

      100% agree on Malala, Garrett. She’s a fantastic example.

  129. Stephanie

    Wow, this was timely! An insightful MarieTV episode on this topic was exactly what I needed to see today. I’m struggling really hard right now with a relationship with a friend and it’s been on my mind a lot. I know on a broader level she hasn’t done anything to wrong me, but I *feel* wronged, and it’s been a battle to reconcile my feelings with what’s true. So the piece about forgiveness being a gift you give yourself, rather than having to do with the other person, really resonated with me. My friend is doing just fine whether I “forgive” her or not, whereas I’m the one who’s sad and upset. I love her a lot, and we have a long history together. I need to find it in my heart to let things go, to come from the place of love and value that I have for our friendship, for myself as much as for the friendship.

    • thank you so much this was so beautiful. I have to say though, you are so blessed with the gift of honesty.

      Because you say “reconcile my feelings with what’s true” The challenges is many times, we don’t listen to what is true even, and we ignore the truth for what we feel.

      So i want to say 99% of the battle is over, with your attitude and willingness,

      • Stephanie

        Thank you, Sean. I really appreciate that, although it doesn’t feel like my battle is anywhere near over yet.

        • Hi Stephanie,
          I have been there big time and to be honest it hurts more because you are a very loving person.
          Stephanie, here’s the thing, just from my own experiences with life.
          Everyone says you are the one that has to let go. I beg to differ as I feel you many have to do the exact opposite to be free, trust me I’ve been there. Email me if you wish you wish to discuss further.
          Best, Catherine

  130. I was having a discussion with my husband about this this evening. I was born without a whole immune system- its a rare disease called hypogammaglobulinemia. My whole life I struggled with frequent, severe & sometimes unusual infections and other complications of my illness. I missed lots of school, play dates- everything. Though I was diagnosed as a child, I was not told what I had and it was never explained to me. I was diagnosed and finally treated for my primary immune deficiency disease as an adult in my early 20’s after a number of terrifying and painful illnesses. Treatment involves receiving weekly infusions of antibodies from plasma donors. Its a life saving treatment, but not without side effects such as headaches, nausea, muscle pain etc. Having such serious health problems during the years many people can just build their lives wasn’t easy but I got through it mostly with the help of my husband and a very select few friends. Still I was there in many ways for many people, especially my family, making sure they were OK, got decent health care, jobs etc. I have never seen the concern I have shown them returned to me. Having a rare disease means few understand and I get that, but now at 43 years old I am on my 3rd rare diagnosis and have more than a handful of serious medical issues and no one has ever asked me how I am doing! Or if I could use some help.. or someone just to talk to. They only seem to judge me for what I can’t or now knowing full well how little support I have should I become too ill, won’t do, My physical condition is such that I weigh risk verses reward in everything I do, and I am just now willing to risk anymore for people that just don’t care. I also have an ever growing number of limitations, that if you never talk to me, you won’t know about. I have a wide network of friends with conditions like mine. I exchange holiday cards etc with a number of them and at this point consider some more deserving of my attention than some family members. My husband doesn’t understand and thinks I am angry or not forgiving. I am not mad, I just don’t feel cared about, and I don’t see the point on focusing my energy on people that don’t understand my journey- or me at all. I don’t plan to sever any ties or anything like that, but after many years of neglect my focus is on people that seem to be able to understand and be there for me too. Is this a matter of forgiveness or just having moved on?

    • Dear friend thank you for sharing your heart, I just read the whole thing and felt inspired to share my thoughts on this.

      In short, the answer is a big YES. i say this because i can relate to how you feel.

      even though it may appear, that focusing on the people who are ignorant may not be the wisest thing, never the less, our subconscoius mind is already focused on them , whether we know it or not,

      The pain and hurt we feel, is deep inside, and is pushing our buttons, left and right. Much of my own addction behaviours of the past was linked to this.

      So my suggestion is this, if you feel inspired by this post, which sounds like you already are, why not give this an honest try?

      Why not try to open your heart, and say, i dont know if this is gong to work, but i chose to forgive,

      Even if they keep hurting you, keep your heart open, and see what happends, do it without expectations, and watch the miracle take place.

      I know its a very strange thing to say, to do it without expectations. But you dont have to be perfect, just try it.

      Wish you all the best dear! may you be happy and healthy soon! 🙂 with love

      Sean PI Stewart

      • I thought about this and I think you are right that something is bothering me or I wouldn’t have written. I am angry.. I have been for a long time, but I think my anger is more towards the illness itself and all that is still lacking for patients like myself including family support. Its more a general feeling than an anger specific towards any particular individual. I have done much good with my anger through volunteer work, fundraising & raising awareness. Maybe sometimes you need to feel wronged in order to really want to make the world right? Not that you need to be bitter or mean- I am neither, but you need to feel compelled to action or to a purpose. Since I have been living that purpose for many years now, maybe it is time to let go of some of it though and that’s why this show so far was my favorite. On an intellectual level I know everyone (including doctors) are just human with their own challenges and short comings. My illness is no one’s fault and the fact that science or society hasn’t caught up to my issue yet also isn’t anyone’s fault. I remind myself often that though there are many difficulties in living with primary immune deficiency disease today, I was still born in the best time and place so far in history for it. Before antibiotics I would have died before my first birthday, and before immune globulin was used to treat PI (the 1950’s) I would likely have died as a newly wed and I got to live long enough to have a beautiful grandson! Coping certainly is all about perspective. Thanks for your response & insight!

        • Joanna, ugh, that has got to be so frustrating. I have a friend with fibromyalgia who has the same frustration. Most people don’t understand her disease and misjudge her, thinking she exxagerates or is lazy. I have adrenal fatigue, which most of my friends and my own parents don’t understand, even after my trying to explain it to them. So I get it, and just wanted to send you some moral support! I think you are right to focus your energy on those who understand and support you. And at the same time, work on being willing to forgive those people that don’t get it. That anger will only make your condition worse. I say allow yourself to feel the anger, then LET IT GO on its merry way. Also, you might want to check out the book Radical Forgiveness and do the forgiveness worksheet. That might help. All the best, Joanna!

          • Thank you! And best of luck to you too. It is hard for anyone to understand all the symptoms of conditions they don’t have. People do assume that if you look a certain way or are still young that you should be able to do everything they can. It is just how it is. I do have a support system of others with my conditions and with others like yourself you are also fighting chronic illness. I am very grateful for the internet for this, since there is no way I would have encountered so many rare disease patients on my own especially that I spend much time at home. For this reason and advances in medicine, even though we don’t yet have treatments or cures for many conditions we are living in the best time in history to be sick. I am also finding that with age and experience more people in my social circle can understand a bit more as they have experience with illness or side effects themselves. On Christmas eve my husband was bit by a stray kitten and had to get rabies shots including rabies immune globulin. When he got back from the hospital he complained of many of the same side effects I experience from my weekly immune globulin infusions. He now doesn’t make a face when I say I am nauseous or have pain and can’t do something. He understands. By a certain age, most people have experienced some illness, so they have more of a framework in which to understand. As you know though, it is different when you have something curable then when you have to live with a condition long term..

    • JT

      Reading your posts, I am reminded of the advice I received a few years ago.

      When people show you who they are, believe them.

      Spend time with people that get you and support you. Otherwise they are a drain on your energy which you need to support your health.

      • That is also the truth! So many times when I have been burnt by someone in retrospect there were signs or sometimes they even outright said things that revealed their true character- If only I listened. One friend who I later found out stole from my mother was feeling down one day and told me that she feels like she is a terrible person and friend. Not knowing yet what she had done I responded with you are a wonderful person and friend! And that wasn’t the only time. This friend had awful self esteem and now I understand why. If you are doing things you know are wrong of course you won’t like yourself very much..

        • JT


          I think also when we don’t trust when people show who they really are, we can have a distorted sense of reality when we only see the good in people. I used to be naive that way. I don’t expect the worst in people either. I just try to acknowledge the truth of things and then make my decisions on that.

          What I have also learned is that when someone upsets me, it is usually something I am doing to myself or to someone else (maybe not the same exact thing, but the same energy of the choice).

          Like if someone disrespects another person, that person is also disrespecting someone else in some way ever how small. Usually it is themselves by continuing allowing that person in their life, but could be other things as well. This gets a little off topic, but I think people are mirrors for us and can be a great teacher to show us what we need to let go of or what to run towards.

          • So true. I think we can set ourselves up to be victims if we only see the good in people. Trust needs to be earned. And its good to focus on people who treat us the best and bring out our best qualities.. not people who make you feel bad, take advantage, cause stress or hold back your growth.. Especially as my health has worsened there is only room in my life for real friends..

  131. Forgiveness is vital, because it allows the love Flag to fly high. We can not do without forgiving others. Thank you Marie for bringing his subject to Light. I really appreciate it.

  132. That’s such an important message, Marie! I loved your take on forgiveness. One thing I’ve also noticed is that forgiveness takes time. It will happen in the right moment, when I am ready. We can’t force it but as you say we can indicate that we’re willing to forgive. Another thing that helps in the process is to imagine the situation when this person wronged you and try to imagine how they feel, what they think, where they’re at that moment…in other words, to be compassionate! Then forgiveness comes with time but yeah, don’t force it guys, coz it’s only going to turn into deeply buried time bomb

    • Dear Antoniya,

      I loved your sharing about the time it takes, because you are 100% right this is a decisoin and a process.

      however, i just like to share another perspective that i have learned recently which has really helped me.

      I come to discover that if i truely realize how much this pain is keeping me from my true destinay, i would ‘figure out a way’ to forgive NOW!

      The way i had to do it , is i was doing a process called 12 steps.

      I used to have a lot of drug addictions and for me the process of forgivness was LIFE or DEATH.

      In other words, i had to learn to forgive, or i was going to die 🙂

      So i learned that, through willingness, prayer and intention, we can truley forgive right now, in other words feel in our heart a genuine LOVE for the other person who has done us wrong.

      That is not to say, we may not have moments of agony or pain, as a result of our bad habit in thinking.

      Through acquiring a new perspective, we can instantly feel a shift.

      Thanks so much, may all being be happy

  133. Greg

    The distinction between forgiving someone and condoning their actions is very helpful. Trust us earned and lack of it due a negative occurrence ought not to prevent the healing power of forgiveness. Thank You Marie!

  134. Ina

    Marie, in your book MEMWY you write “what you resist persists (and grow saronger)”. After fighting with this for years, suppressing myself, I finally with help from a good therapist truly understand the concept. In the question of forgiveness it is not forgiveness itself that is important, but allowing yourself to be and FEEL exactly how you do in any given moment. Maybe it is time for anger, maybe distance, maybe discussion, maybe hurt, maybe crying. And through allowing yourself to be YOU in every moment, you will not be able to be bitter and hold resentment. There is too much self love in your heart to be able to live your life in such pain. I come from a family where it is culture to hold resentment, and had to learn the concept of self love (aka: being able to fight for myself) as an adult.

  135. Hi Marie. Thanks for another great episode. I’ve personally found forgiveness to be one of the hardest things about moving on from an emotionally charged experience. It can really hold you back. Forgiving doesn’t have to mean forgetting – we can keep our boundaries strong and still forgive someone for our own sakes. I think really it just means not being angry with someone anymore, and that can take time and practice. Anger can be so draining and consuming – an addictive, in its own way. It’s not easy, but there are definitely ways to help the process along, as you described yourself. I found writing really helpful. Writing down what that person “did” to me, then finding a way of releasing it somehow – through small rituals, journalling, a daily practice or bodywork. Bit by bit. I had a hard time forgiving someone after a break-up and, in the end, I wrote a book about it, which included the process I used personally to let go. I found that the act of writing really helped me let go, and I hope my book helps others forgive and let go too.

  136. Christin

    A while ago I read this quote:
    ‘I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn’t sorry.’

    Thank you so much, Marie. This episode came just in time, as a life long conflict flared up recently and once again I am struggling to seek forgiveness in my heart.
    I had a ’13th fairy’ in my life, who wanted to be my godmother. But as my parents choose someone else over her, she failed to appear at my christening and just made my life miserable every single day from the day I was born. I never felt safe and protected and when I look back at my childhood, there are no happy memories. The first time I remember thinking about suicide was at the age of ten.
    As she was very kind with my five siblings, my parents didn’t realise this problem for a long time and therefor did not protect me from her. This kept me thinking little of myself.
    ‘If she is able to be loving and kind to my brothers and sisters and not to me, there must be something wrong with me.’ So I tried harder and harder to please her, but she punished me even harder for every attempt.

    This is an internalized structure, which took me many years of my adult life to identify. I kept (and still keep) pleasing others, ending up in love deprivation and thinking that I am not good enogh for anything. Not for love and respect, not for a prosperous business, not for attentive friends or a good health condition and not for having my own children, which I have been struggling to have for many years and failed as expected.

    Forgiveness is a process going back and forth, up and down and it certainly is not finished with a lip service. Most of the time it is hard work not ot fall back into old pattern, which sabotage your own happiness.
    And I am on the edge of forgiveness. Watching your wonderful and wise episode and reading so many inspiring comments here, pushed me a little further in the right direction.
    Thank you so much. <3

  137. Thank You Marie! This is perfect for this time of year when we all are mindful of our relationships! This will help in my practice with others and all those situations I personally am encountering. You are awesome!

  138. Great advice! I didn’t ask the question, but it was nice to hear it aimed at me 🙂 This is something I have been struggling with lately with a friend so I really needed this.

    • Chelsea - Team Forleo

      So glad to hear that, Lindsey. Then it was made for you! 🙂

  139. Hello Marie,
    Thank you very much! Without forgiveness we can stay stuck in our story of hurt and betrayal. Forgiveness is a process and can’t be forced, but I agree that with the intention to move forward on the path of forgiveness, it will happen. I’m a forgiveness coach and have my own person story that lead me down this road to truly understand what forgiveness is all about. Wonderful talk on a very important topic. Again many thanks!

  140. GREAT Episode. I just recently had to change direct sales companies because our former company stopped being party plan. In the process my only real working team member decided she wanted to jump up the line and be sponsored by my direct upline. The upline took her and her group leaving me feeling like I was no of value. I have forgiven both. I will not waste my energy in the anger or other emotions..too busy trying to rebuild my team and business to waste time on them. But here is my question. How do you logically decide whether to rebuild a relationship and try to regain the trust or just let it go? The r\team member is a no brainer…not even giving her a thougt, but my former upline is another story.I thought our relationship was personal and I still have to be around her when the Area group gets together. What do I do now?

  141. Cecile

    Hi Marie, great episode and totally agree with you on the forgiveness vs. truth. You can forgive them, you have to forgive them to move on with your life, but most of the time you don’t have to keep them in your life – or if you do, then keep them on a different level. E.g. acquaintance rather than friend; work colleague rather than mentor. Forgiving is one thing. Forgetting is another. Thanks for the great weekly videos, keep the good work x

  142. I’ve found is liberating to forgive and wise to not forget. Forgiving doesn’t mean you have to let the people who’ve wronged you back into your life. 🙂

  143. Marie,

    I just have to let you know how grateful I am that you are so real and unique, I’m telling you this because I follow a lot of personal development leaders and everybody else is doing the same things except for you.

    About the topic, I think the most important thing in forgiving is TRULY wanting to forgive or to let go, most of the time we know we are better off without the resentment and all the bad consequences of not forgiving but we are not willing to let go the feeling or the person. A good activity that has helped me is to write down how you feel, how much you want that (person/ group of persons/company) to disappear and _______ (fill in the blank) all the bad things you wish and then burn the paper down.

  144. Kim

    Thank you for the “…show me the way” mantra! It’s not as easy to forgive & forget when the person who broke your trust isn’t someone you can walk away from. (spouse, parent, etc.) Do you have any insight on how to approach forgiveness, when you can’t remove yourself a situation or person long enough to process, heal and move forward?


    • Chelsea - Team Forleo

      Kim, that definitely can make it more challenging. The tips Marie shares in this episode about forgiving yourself and allowing that shift in energy to happen so that you’re open and willing can still be super helpful.

      Another tool that others have shared in these comments too is to use writing as a way of processing what happened, how you’re feeling, and how you’d like to forgive. Writing can be a great way to get space from anything since it’s just you and the paper in that moment. Hope that helps!

      • Kim and Chelsea,
        First Kim, I hear you on that. The person I have a hard time forgiving is my mother, whom I live with now. (not by choice -finances force me at this time) I am now 45 yrs old and when I was 20 she slept with my first husband (with him for 2 years) and thought she was going to marry him. It’s so difficult to forgive. But as Chelsea has stated, Writing is one of my biggest outlets. I think I have forgiven her for that, but she still betrays me in many other ways, and that is the hard part…when it continues to happen over and over again.. I do not trust her with anything and it really sucks.. because I still love my mom… I just don’t like who she is..Does that make sense?. Now Chelsea, this is for you 😀 when things continue to happen in the present, and you can’t completely eliminate the person from your life, how do you deal with it? I’ve tried talking to her about it, I’ve tried telling her how I feel by talking calmly and while crying my eyes out in emotional devastation because of some of the things she does not only to me, but my daughter/ her grand daughter as well. But she just gets angry, defensive and walks away. I just don’t know what to do anymore so I just keep it to myself to keep peace and I don’t feel that is fair or healthy for me to do? Like I said, I feel like I have forgiven her for the husband thing but how do we stop allowing them to betray us? How do I approach this situation?
        I love the quote that Iylanla Vanzant used with Forgiveness “Forgiveness is letting go of the
        hope that the past could be any different” When I heard that for the first time… I about fell
        to the ground in relief. haha I realized I was trying to change what happened but when we let
        go of the hope of changing what happened, and ACCEPT it , we are then able to let go
        of it. I always say there are 3 “F”s to forgiveness.. Face it, Feel it and Free it.
        I hope this helps others and I really hope to hear some feedback on what I posted as well.
        Thanks Marie! I love your videos! You are an inspiration for my own goals to be where you are in the future! Namaste!

        • Caroline - Team Forleo

          Lisa, thank you for your comment, and I’m so sorry to read about the challenges going on in your life. It’s always the hardest when it’s the people in our own family who are causing us pain.

          Regarding your question, unfortunately there’s no one single “right” way to handle tough family circumstances. Some people choose to cut family or friends out of their lives entirely, but as you mention, that’s not always desirable or the right choice for everyone.

          If trying to have an honest, open conversation about certain challenges with your mom isn’t working, what you might like to do is to spend some time carefully considering boundaries — even if it’s just something you think about or journal about on your own. Maybe there are things you don’t talk about with her, or don’t do with her, and really stick to that. It may mean seeking support with other family or friends for things you can’t talk to your mom about, but having some clear guidelines for yourself can help you enjoy your mom’s company more without getting into some of those tough situations.

          Depending on your situation as well, it may also be helpful to seek a trained counselor for support. Family can be particularly difficult, so having an unbiased, outside perspective can be a great resource.

          I hope that helps, and know that we’re sending our best!

          • Thank you so much for your response Caroline! I appreciate your kind words and advice and I really like the boundaries thing.. I am definitely going to try that from here forward. I have really good support with my friends and my daughter, so thank you again 😀
            Lovin’ Marie’s Videos!

  145. As a “happiness expert”, I regularly teach forgiveness. It’s the part of letting go that people often have the most trouble with. Interestingly forgiving others is hard but forgiving ourselves can seem impossible. There is an epidemic of self-hatred in our society and our inner-voice is sometimes our harshest critic. Don’t forget yourself when treating people kindly, allowing them another chance, or releasing past hurt.

    • You are so right Tamara, We are our own worst enemies.. and we have to see ourselves through what I call “Angel Eyes” .
      Thanks Tamara!

  146. Hill

    Thank you Marie again great timing. I forgave a friend who did a really terrible thing to me (not the first friend I am a slow learner). She never apologised to me just kept trying to be in my life. I may have forgiven but I don’t have that person in my life as I haven’t forgotten. Friends don’t do what she did and you also need to respect yourself that you deserve better. Bebe I’m also going through a difficult neighbour issue which my partner won’t support me on. So I’m taking action and considering and seeking an alternative living situation. You have to do what is right for you sometimes and that can be taking yourself out of the situation. Good luck with your matter. Alejandra I liked that quote thank you for sharing.

  147. TRUST = TRUEST. Trust is our truest, highest vibration, which is unconditional…ALL IS FORGIVEN…no conditions. Trust has nothing to do with the other person! The only relationship we ever have is the one with the chemistry in our own cells…so the only forgiveness ever required is the forgiveness of the baggage WE carry in our cells about any situation (dissolving it…letting it go…so it’s no longer there in our cell memory…forgotten). When we release it from ourselves, we free ourselves…and our cells, which changes every emotional response (chemical reactivity) we have thereafter. And we’ll start to attract those who have also forgiven and freed their cells and now radiate the truest vibes. Carry TRUST in all your cells by forgiving them of the past baggage you carry. That’s light…that’s freedom…that’s forgiveness. That’s why we’re here. Xxx

  148. Parvati

    I was abused for 17 years before I broke free. I am currently in a 12 step program dealing with some serious trust and control issues. Forgiveness is something that has been in my mind, but have been struggling with being unable to forget. This is so timely. I know my road to recovery is going to be long and hard. There are days I can barely function, but those are getting fewer.

    • Caroline - Team Forleo

      Parvati, I’m so sorry to hear that, and we’re so glad that you were able to get free from the abusive situation. Recovery and forgiveness can take a lot of time, and the fact that you’re on a healing path speaks so much to your courage and strength.

      Our thoughts are with you, and we’re sending lots of big Team Forleo love your way <3

  149. Great Advice, Marie! Sometimes we are on the same exact wavelength. I am just about to release a video tomorrow about a time in my life I was able to forgive when in the past I would have held on to resentment or anger.

  150. This was a great topic. Thank you for addressing it!

  151. Adrian

    Dear Marie and team,
    Love your work. Want to give something back by sharing some thoughts here. The partner of one of my family members is a ‘bugger’. Often making snide and cynical remarks which frequently leave me (and I guess others) in a state of emotional numbness after family meetings. When I ask myself what I can learn from it, then it seems like a good chance to become more quick-witted because I’m usually slow off the mark. So, while I don’t know how to sooth my feelings and deal with the over-serious and fairly hostile dialog that tones many family gatherings, I am willing to engage and forgive.

  152. Val

    Forgiveness takes time, patience, and intention. It requires letting go–‘of the need to be right, of playing the role of the victim, and of self-righteousness. It also requires honoring one’s own boundaries moving forward so that any remaining threat from that individual is neutralized

  153. Meltem

    What worked for me when I needed to forgive one person that hurt me badly was to turn inside and ask myself, why I was so mad. I realized I was actually cruelly judging and criticizing myself, and that’s why I wasn’t letting go. I had to build self compassion which made it easier to feel compassion towards that person. It’s not easy, but it works.

  154. What helped me is the idea that I don’t have to forgive forever, just for one moment in time. Of course once I do that, it stays! I learned this from a trainer years ago and it has always helped me get over the hump. Thanks Marie – great topic.

    • Caroline - Team Forleo

      Ohh, that’s an amazing tip, Rylla!

  155. Brilliant! Forgiveness is something you do for you . . . Indeed, Marie. We forgive when we are ready for ourselves to move along. It can’t be rushed. Like you said, you need to get over the initial feelings of anger, shame, etc. *for real*, not just in name. Being willing to forgive is the place to begin.
    Trust is entirely different. Be wise and give your heart carefully and very selectively.

  156. Becky Byrn-Schmid

    I really liked your comments on this subject. There have been a few times in my life when forgiving, forgetting and not hashing out stuff was the best answer ever. Sometimes, we say or do angry things that hurt in a big way. Best practice is to work it out. However, there are times that if you review the subject, neither party will say they were wrong. So, I like your solution to those times.

    Some issues need sorting out, of course, but when some interactions take place in anger, resentment and non-confidence, it might be best to say, “Let this go, forgive and move on.”

  157. Hmmm I love the practice of forgiveness in all of its complexity. I recently had to forgive someone who had been extremely nasty to me. I didn’t even forgive her to her face. The trust had been completely severed and I cut off all ties with that person. But the pain and anger can live on! So I have worked on forgiving this person. I have written letters that were never sent, I have reminded myself that she simply acts from her own place of pain and fear. That I could never possibly understand what demons she lives with that made her behave so meanly towards me.

    I do have a story of successful and productive forgiveness too. I had a conflict a couple years back with a business partner. So much so that I closed my part of the business so that I wouldn’t have to work with that person in that way any longer. I did continue to work for them though. And it took some time to forgive them, to redefine the relationship. Now we work harmoniously together and the relationship is healed, albeit different. I feel good about it and recently they made a comment to me about how happy they are that things are as they are today.

    Forgiveness takes time. More time than I think we are willing to acknowledge in our instant gratification world. And even once we are willing, and once we have tried to set the other free, there are moments when the pain and anger come back up. That the process must re-begin, inside of ourselves. After much repetition, one day we see that the pain and anger have dissolved. And then we are free.

  158. Steph

    Great piece Marie. This video really resonated with me. Something happened over the holidays and I felt really let down by people and have had a hard time forgiving. Even though they apologized and I have accepted them, I find it difficult to move on in a trust kind of way. I know you said forgivingness and trust are two different ball games. BUT! Is not hanging out with these people or inviting them to places similar to holding a grudge? I’m not sure what do to or how to feel about this.

    • Caroline - Team Forleo

      Steph, that’s such a good question. It’s understandable that you wouldn’t want to interact with someone in the same way after having been hurt by them. You may eventually come to trust them enough to relate in the same way as you had previously, but that can take some time.

      If keeping them in your life is something that’s important to you, it might be worth considering when and how you’d like to hang out with them and come up with a little plan for yourself (you don’t have to share it with anyone!). That might mean something like only seeing them at particular events, or only inviting them to hang out once a month — whatever feels right to you.

      We sometimes need space and time, and as long as you’re not actually holding a grudge or not inviting them out of spite (which it definitely doesn’t sound like you’re doing).

      All relationships grow and evolve, so keeping an open mind about what your relationship with them in the future can help leave the door open for a healthy trust rebuilding. I hope that helps, and do take care of yourself and take the time you need! <3

  159. Karen

    Oh how apropos… the Universe never ceases to amaze me. I made a choice to move in with a family member and very soon after my arrival she became very hostile, disrespectful, and well, down right abusive towards me.The other family members were aware of it but (I feel) too afraid to stand up to her. Due to recovery from a surgery I had while I was there, I was not able to pick up and go as quickly had I if the health situation was different. Needless to say, I have moved quite far away from that person, have done a varied amount of forgiveness techniques and feel as though I am strong in the forgiveness area however, the anger and trust issues are not resolved totally within me and obviously not the forgetting. This video is more validation of the on-going process of loving inner work we do for ourselves. This young gal I spoke of, well she happens to be my adult daughter and I want to build what could be a new relationship however trust is a long way off. As we trudge this road of happy destiny… I keep moving on. ps… so apropos that today is the day I designated to writing “the letter” to her with what I really think of her behavior, that her nor anyone else will ever see! More than likely I will do a burning ceremony around it. Ahhhh… let the healing begin

  160. Linnea

    I haven’t watched the video yet, because it’ll enlighten me and I’ll lose sight of what I currently have on my mind just from reading the title…
    I always thought I was a forgiving person, but as I lived my life and continually saw unhealthy patterns in myself, I began to probe for answers, seeking the root cause of my behaviors. Upon discovering that much of it was due to my father, I began the journey of allowing myself to feel the pain from childhood, remembering horrible things and choosing to let them go on the wings of forgiveness and let them flow away on the waves of the sea. Every single time I did this exercise, I saw myself opening up, letting go, becoming freer and lighter. It was painful, as though roots were literally, but gently being pulled out of the soil of my heart and soul, the core of who I am, and they were! Then, in the process, I eventually learned that I had to choose to take responsibility in each of those areas. No longer was or is anyone else to blame! No matter my age, innocents, fault or not, it’s time for me to be powerful, purposeful and take charge. In doing this I feel I learned the true meaning of IT IS FINISHED! Now, I’m going to watch the video, deepen my journey of forgiveness, expand my freedom and uncovering other deceptions that may be hiding in me.

  161. Thanks for this. Wonderful video, and hits home right now.

    On a side note, can you tell me where you got that lovely coffee cup? I see it on a lot of your shows, and I’ve been looking for a good mug for my business logo.

    Much love,


    • Caroline - Team Forleo

      Thank you so much, Dina! I’m not actually sure where this particular mug came from, but I know you can customize some pretty great mugs in a variety of colors at places like CustomInk:

      I hope that helps, and happy mug-hunting! 🙂

      • Dina

        Thanks so much, Caroline!

  162. Love this video. Forgiveness is totally the gift you give yourself. I have held onto resentment that made me sick and when I could get that my forgiving does not mean I have to have them in my life it shifted everything. When it comes to forgiving myself I look at the parts of me that may need more love and forgiveness so I can change the energy. For me forgiveness is a karma cleaner. Thanks for a great video Marie. xo

    • Mandy - Team Forleo

      I love your quote: “Forgiveness is a karma cleanser.” So true! Thanks so much for tuning in this week. 🙂

  163. Chaitra


  164. Once again, I was writing notes! I always learn so much from these Vlogs. Forgiveness is a tough one, I certainly have a few people on my list that kind of got stuck and haven’t been removed. I think sometimes forgiving is the easy part, but I find myself going back to bitter comments or thoughts about that person, which pulls me back. I don’t know how to stop doing that, unfortunately.

    • Mandy - Team Forleo

      That’s a really tough thing to battle with, Michelle. I think being patient and forgiving with yourself will come in handy. Bitterness can take a long time to dissipate, but it gets easier when you’re not beating yourself up for it. We’re sending lots of love your way and have our fingers crossed that you’ll show yourself some love too. <3

  165. Karie

    This video is so timely, just had an incident this week and struggling to even want to forgive the Red Queen. I realize now that I can’t forgive her until I forgive myself. I’m guessing the desire to forgive others comes easier once one is able to forgive oneself. I’ll work on that – in the meantime, is it a no-no to create a voodoo doll in her image to put into the freezer to freeze her out of my life?!

  166. Spiritual practices and energy healing in general, such as those in Christianity have been the most powerful for me.

    My mind could forgive, but my heart held on. It has only been with the purification with the help of higher spiritual powers (ex. angels, Jesus, God) that literally removed the traumatic energies. It’s not perfect, but it’s a lot better!

    • Mandy - Team Forleo

      So glad you’re doing better! It’s important to do what works for you, so we’re glad you’re doing that and are on a path to healing. <3

  167. Thank you for addressing the topic of forgiveness Marie ~ this is a very timely topic for me. I constantly struggle to forgive a co-worker that had made life miserable for me for the past 14 months, and unfortunately she is not someone that I can just choose to avoid as we work in the same office. What do you recommend doing in a situation like mine, where I cannot avoid contact with someone? I have considered quitting and finding another job, but other than having to deal with this particular co-worker a couple times a week I love my job and everyone that I work with.

    • Grace Young

      Hi Naomi,
      I was once in a situation where a co-worker was extremely unbearable to work with because she had such foul language and attitude in and out of the office setting. Now, that is not to say that I never used foul language but she did so, so often that it helped me to clean up my speak altogether and I learned how to properly engage in disagreements without using expletives.

      She and I worked together for over 10+ years, her demeanor and language seemed to worsen even more. I tried talking to her about her behavior but it did no good, I tried to find ways to engage her in positive activities to no avail. My last resort was to only speak to her when it concerned work and keep any relationship and talks all work-related.

      I ended up having to get into work an hour earlier so that I had time every morning to pray the Our Father prayer at my cubicle and asking for help to cover my day without hearing her complain or curse as she normally did everyday so that I could concentrate on my work.

      I placed all of my faith into that and let me tell you within about several days time she began talking less and less each day. By the second week, you could hear a pin drop in our office it was so quiet. I totally believe in prayer it really does work.

    • Kristin - Team Forleo

      Naomi, I’m so sorry to hear about your situation with your coworker. It sounds incredible hard, and made even more difficult by the fact that you love your job and the rest of your coworkers. Is there an HR department you can talk to about what’s going on? Without knowing specifics, my first thought was that perhaps there’s a way to mediate the issues to avoid further conflict? I truly hope you find peace in this situation and aren’t forced to leave because of someone else’s behavior!

      • Thanks for your comment, Kristin. I recently contacted WorkSafe BC, the organisation that deals with workplace safety (including bullying and harassment) about the problem, and am also working with a local lady that has previous experience as a union rep and is providing awesome guidance as I address this situation and work on bringing positive change to my working environment.

        • Kristin - Team Forleo

          SO glad to hear that, Naomi. Good luck to you – I know that has to be a really difficult and uncomfortable situation, but you’re handling it with such grace!

  168. Grace Young

    Hi Marie,
    This video is a very refreshing way to go about forgiveness. I have been trying in the most loving way possible to help a loved one find a way to forgive someone who hurt her so many years ago. I knew I was missing an element or two to help in the process of forgiveness but I wasn’t sure what it was until I saw your video.

    I learned about the benefits of forgiveness and being forgiven when I was about 25-28 because I knew I needed to do this for myself and that I needed forgiveness from others whom I had hurt.

    I cannot wait to show this video to my loved one because she is in such need of this as her health is of major concern to me because I know its from all the bitterness, hate, malice and hurt she continues to harbor because she doesn’t understand how easy it really is to just forgive and stop carrying that weight of the world.

    Thank You soooo much for this.

  169. Knitsalot

    How do I forgive myself ? I did something really stupid that I needed to do at the time but I am having a huge problem forgiving myself and keeping the secret. It’s driving me to distraction, I beat myself up 24/7

    • Kristin - Team Forleo

      I’m so sorry to hear that! You’re definitely not alone, though.

      I’m not sure if this episode of MarieTV in particular will apply to your specific situation, but I hope it gives you some food for thought:

    • JT


      I let go of alot of anger with the help of the book, Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping. I was amazed at the weight lifted from going through the worksheets. It did not fix the situation, but it changed the way I looked at myself and the other people that I needed to forgive.

  170. Sthe

    Hi Marie

    Thanks for the post on forgiveness. Whats helped me in the past and still today is voicing my pain, anger, frustration through writing. It releases the negativity. I say everything I want to say to the other person with no filter. When I read what I’ve written I’m able to see the negativity I would be spreading by voicing it out into the world. It would serve no purpose but fuel the fire.It gives me time to gain perspective on the situation. Only at this point that can begin to forgive.

    For me forgiveness is easy. Its the forgetting that’s harder. I have a very strained relationship with my mother whose emotionally, verbally and financially abusive. The comments that are said are really hard to swallow.When it comes from a parent it holds so much power over you because we hold our parents to a certain standard.

  171. Dennise K

    Another great Marie TV moment – thanks for this! I was JUST thinking about this very issue AND read this in Mark Nepo’s book, Book of Awakening. It isn’t exactly the same thing you spoke about but it certainly is in the spirit of forgiveness:

    The Spider and the Sage
    I would rather be fooled than not believe.
    “In India, there is a story about a kind, quiet man who would pray in the Ganges River every morning. One day after praying, he saw a poisonous spider struggling in the water and cupped his hands to carry it ashore. As he placed the spider on the ground, it stung him. Unknowingly, his prayers for the world diluted the poison. The next day the same thing happened. On the third day, the kind man was knee deep in the river, and, sure enough, there was the spider, legs frantic in the water. As the man went to lift the creature yet again, the spider said, “Why do you keep lifting me? Can’t you see I will sting you every time, because that is what I do.” And the kind man cupped his hands about the spider, replying, “Because that is what I do.” There are many reasons to be kind, but perhaps none is as compelling as the spiritual fact that it is what we do. It is how the inner organ of being keeps pumping. Spiders sting. Wolves howl. Ants build small hills that no one sees. And human beings lift each other, no matter the consequence. Even when other beings sting.
    Some say this makes us a sorry lot that never learns, but to me it holds the same beauty as berries breaking through ice and snow every spring. It is what quietly feeds the world. After all, the berries do not have any sense of purpose or charity. They are not altruistic or self-sacrificing. They simply grow to be delicious because that is what they do.
    As for us, if things fall, we will reach for them. If things break, we will try to put them together. If loved ones cry, we will try to soothe them—because that is what we do. I have often reached out, and sometimes it feels like a mistake. Sometimes, like the quiet man lifting the spider, I have been stung. But it doesn’t matter, because that is what I do. That is what we do. It is the reaching out that is more important than the sting. In truth, I’d rather be fooled than not believe.”

  172. Wow Marie! Thank you so much! So timely, so relevant. I’m on the other side of the coin in that I’ve recently disclosed a secret that I’d been keeping from a loved one which really hurt them. Although they’ve forgiven me, I’m finding it hard to forgive myself. I’m determined to change my behaviour, be more open with others, trusting, and loving but I can feel inside that there’s still something in there that’s toxic on this front. I will meditate on your words that it’s the willingness to forgive that might be my ticket out of self-loathing. I am really willing, I think, to forgive myself.

    • Caroline - Team Forleo

      Katherine, I absolutely hear you, and I know the hardest people for us to forgive is usually ourselves, especially if we’ve hurt people we love.

      It’s always important to be gentle with yourself when going through something like this, and meditating on the willingness to forgive can be a wonderful source of healing.

      Although it’s on a slightly different topic, I thought I might also share this great MarieTV episode about comebacks just in case it has a few other helpful tips for you:

      Thank you so much for watching this episode!

  173. Hello Marie.
    Yes and thank you very much for your good and blessings lesson. Sure we have to forgive others so that our sins be forgiven. Love your teachings. Thanks and may God bless you so much!!!

  174. Someone I trusted tried to manipulate me and take advantage of me a long time ago. It was the first time someone really hurt me and I held onto the anger for 7 years. Finally, I was tired of letting a situation that occurred so long ago control me. With the help of a mentor, I started to see the positive come out of the situation. I realized by this person hurting me, I was able to leave him in the past and move on with my life. I found a husband who treats me like gold. Despite the pain and anger, the outcome was so much sweeter.

    I finally learned to forgive but I never forgot. I’ve intentionally kept him out of my life for my own well being. When my friend started dating this person, it basically ruined our friendship. But I have no regrets. I need to move forward. She can be with him, I’m not mad at her, but I can’t have him in my life at all. It’s a price I’m willing to pay. And I’ve found so much peace and joy in doing so.

  175. Absolutely love, love, love this! We’ve all faced these challenges when it comes to moving past an obstacle in life. Forgiveness is such a wonderful thing to practice, and there’s always room for improvement!

  176. Ed

    I try to give gratitude for at least three things every day. Today, I only needed one: That Marie’s path in life led to making this video, and to me experiencing it. Gotta go, there’s something in my eye.

    Thank you.

  177. Lygia

    It took many years until I decided to forgive the person abused me when I was a child and the 4 men assassinated my father when I was an adult. It was not an easy process but I did! I am so glad I did it! It was the most amazing relief and ultimate I took my life back. Yes, Marie you are right: forgiveness helps us lead happier, healthier lives. Thank you so much for this episode.

    • Mandy - Team Forleo

      So glad you were able to forgive such horrific actions and get your peace of mind back. We’re sending lots of love and wishing for healing your way. <3

  178. sam green

    I watched this video with interest and read few comments… My question still remains though : if forgiving is most of all about forgiving yourself, how can you ever do that when you feel that you are repeating the same mistakes? Few years ago I fell in love with someone. I told my husband and we separated before anything had happened with this other guy. Me being available became a turn off and I soon discovered that this other guy just could have been every coward I met before I met my husband… Even though my husband and I are now together, I still cannot forgive myself for falling so low and acting on my feelings… Have I learned nothing ?

    • Brandi Mahurin

      Sam, I did something similar last year, but I wasn’t as honest as you were and I had an affair; then separated from my husband. When I finally told my husband, he already knew and he forgave me but I had a difficult time forgiving myself. I am learning that forgiving yourself (as well as forgiving others) is a process, it’s not something that happens overnight. Also forgiving yourself will not mean you won’t make mistakes in the future or act on your feelings or do stupid shit again! There is nothing wrong with being human or having feelings or acting on them. Its also human to NOT learn from your mistakes the first, or even the twentieth, time around.

      My husband and I are back together also and I certainly don’t want to put him through what happened again; and he recognized that his actions also contributed to my mistake as well and we’re learning to forgive each other every day. It wasn’t easy at first, but now its so much better and this awful thing that happened in the long run strengthened our relationship and made me realize that the man I married is really the man I want and the man I belong with in the future.

      I would encourage you not to be so hard on yourself and every time the un-forgiveness towards yourself pops up, remind yourself that you have chosen to forgive yourself; that your husband forgave you and that you are allowed to make mistakes. Be willing to forgive yourself and over time the feelings will follow.

  179. Debbie Taylor

    Dear Fred,
    Thank you for sharing your story. You see Fred my son is experiencing the same issues with his father. I am going to share your story with him so he will know that he is not the only one that has went through that with their father.

    • Debbie,
      Someone has to take the lead and I hope your son does. He will be better for it no matter how it works out. Regardless, he still has you by his side. You are a great mom.

  180. Last year I experienced deep and profound forgiveness for 2 people I didn’t even know I was angry with. And it happened without any conscious effort to do so. I lost my first child in childbirth 38 years ago. I had a home birth in a small Texas town where my in-laws lived. Their response to our decision for a home birth and the consequent results of that birth created strong judgement in my husband’s parents.

    Last year during a healing session I was overwhelmed with deep understanding, compassion and forgiveness for my in-laws actions. They did not mean to be mean. They believed they were acting in our best interest. I don’t know where it came from – the realization or the forgiveness – but it was profound.

    I have never experienced forgiveness like this before. It was the first time I truly understood what forgiveness means and how life altering it can be.

  181. “Is it too late to say I’m Sorry?” For some reason the Justin Bieber song popped in my head. I think forgiveness can happen quickly (depending on the offense) when there is a sincere apology for the wrongdoing. I agree to what has been said and posted to a large degree that forgiveness is for you, but I don’t know if I believe it’s always feasible, and if that means you won’t eventually be ok. Let me explain, if someone kills, murders, or rapes a loved one, a child, I don’t know if that’s forgivable, I think it becomes more about acceptance. Accepting that someone did and/or committed a horrible crime, and hopefully justice prevails.

    I have had to accept some things that have been done to me, but I don’t really know if I forgive the people, or the offense, I just decide, if they are unwilling to right their wrong, to accept it and move on. Of course it’s not that simple, it takes time, work, and practice, and lessons learned.

  182. Ann Maynard

    Thank you Marie! I had a difficult time of forgiving my former husband after our divorce. With three very young children I had to find a way to forgive so I could move past the anger and frustration I was feeling. My Mom and Dad were my guideposts and asked me if I couldn’t forgive him as my husband could I forgive him as my children’s father? Funny how that twist in my thinking was the beginning of my forgiveness for him and for myself! It really is such an important part of our spiritual journey.

  183. Sheryl

    I love everything Marie Forleo. Looking forward to more as an MF Insider.
    btw Thanks for the planner!

  184. Hi Marie,

    I love watching and reading your Tuesday Tunes.

    Today’s topic is one that I’ve grown-up with and after many years of realizing that letting go and letting God is the best possible thing for myself and those I love, I’ve also come to realize that in most instances, it is NOT about forgiving yourself. Yes, you have to forgive the others, you may choose to remember as forgetting in many cases is not doable, and may even be harmful, depending on how it is handled, but this business of self-forgiveness is turning into a hype that at best may make a person feel good temporarily, but frankly, if you had nothing to do with it in the first place, how is that your fault? What’s there to be forgiven???

    In my opinion, you’ve done nothing wrong. Forgiveness is……about MOURNING the loss of something precious…mainly….TRUST. And yes, it may come with the loss of the person that betrayed you, or the person that left you, or the person you left. I just want people to stop saying it is all about YOU forgiving yourself…it is not. It is not your fault. Don’t believe the hype.

    If you were a willing participant in your own misery, then yes, you have some soul searching to do, and even self-forgiveness would apply.

    But if you were naive and innocent, an unwilling and even unaware participant, how is that any of your fault?

    If someone took advantage of you because you didn’t know any better, you do yourself a disservice thinking you were at fault for being ignorant or naive and torturing yourself by going through “forgiving yourself”. You are NOT at fault.

    Forgiveness has to do with the other person …and not you… and if by chance, this person has already passed….then you put your act together so that you can have the time to mourn the loss of both trust and person…but do not carry the burden of someone else doing. It has nothing to do with you. Once you embrace this concept you will feel relief and freedom, and you’ll be able to have your amazing life back. Enjoy your Freedom. It is NOT you….it is them. Do not let the hype get you down and make you feel lesser than as if you had committed a capital sin. Remember, you are going through a MOURNING process. You are mourning the loss of TRUST. So honor your feelings. And to others with the hype of self-forgiveness you say: “Enough already!”

    Much love to you Marie, and to your amazing Team.

  185. Elisa

    Thank you SO much for this video on forgiveness.
    Having gone through a difficult divorce from a 22 year marriage I could use all the advice I can get. Aside from doing some serious soul searching into what was “My part” in what went wrong, I realized our time together had expired. We had a business together, children together, lived together but forgot to play together. We had a case of taking yourselves TOO DAM SERIOUSLY because things looked so good on the outside (success, money & prestige) He ended up having an affair….
    Today I know when I harbor ill feelings I’m only hurting myself by shutting out the sunlight of the spirt.

    I’m going to start using the mantra you suggested 🙂

    I bet when God thinks of you He pats himself on the back ☮

    Pax & amor,

    • JT

      I had an 8 year relationship and the last years were not good. What helped me was to write in a journal what I was grateful for. It feels weird and totally NOT what you want to write. I wanted to express all my pain. That can be therapeutic too, but it is amazing that you can find the little things and usually alot more things to be grateful for because it is your intention to find it when journaling.

      I would shift the focus of not what you did wrong, but how the both of you created this situation. Maybe better communication your BOTH of you. He could have voiced his needs to you instead of having an affair.

      Alteast you know what not to do with your next relationship. That is a blessing and a learning experience. You did the best you could at the time with the knowledge that you had. Be kind to yourself.

      I think is what Louise Hay who said to talk to ourselves like we are a little child. The way we treat ourselves mentally as an adult would never be appropriate for a child and so therefore it is not appropriate for you.



  186. Ruth

    For me, forgiving someone or myself once is sometimes not enough. This used to trouble me. Once I accepted that forgiveness is a practice and a process, I felt released. Practicing forgiveness has freed me to enjoy life.

    • Mandy - Team Forleo

      I love what you said: “forgiveness is a practice and a process.” So true! I’m so glad you’re feeling free to enjoy life—you deserve it!

      • Ruth

        Thanks, Mandy!

  187. This so rings true, Marie. I’ve always had a hard time forgiving when someone has burned me in an especially deep way. What I’ve found is that it takes a significant amount of time to come to a place where I can say, that wasn’t right but I’m ok with letting it go now. I look back to see what the lesson of the situation was and how I grew from it. I may never forget the betrayal or the hurt it caused, but I can let go of the anger and the resentment toward the person involved. That allows me to go forward.

    • Mandy - Team Forleo

      We’re thinking of you and sending you lots of love as you let the pain go and go forward happier and lighter.

  188. JT

    Thank you for all the warm, uplifting, tear jerking posts. It has been a wonderful and therapeutic experience for me. It is your courage to speak about the difficult parts of your life that has given me the courage to share the difficult parts of mine with you publically for the first time.

    I was not the obvious gay kid growing up. I lied to myself that was straight until I could not. Life was about hiding and not being seen. I believed that if I was seen for who I truly was, I would receive verbal abuse, physical abuse or worse not have a home or family anymore. I believed I would be persecuted and although it took 7 years, that belief came true.

    In my early 20’s, I met my first long-term boyfriend, but still roommates to everyone since we were still in college. We were happy for 5 ½ years until police barged in late one night and arrested my boyfriend. It was a confusing moment, not sure of what was going on and why. The police asked me of our relationship, instinctually out of self-preservation, I lied and said we were roommates.

    How is this question relevant? And how could it be good to speak the truth in this instance?

    My worst fears realized.

    Rewind 2 months to what led up to this event… My partner was always the person whom people came to for advice. It was only natural for him to become somewhat of an informal counselor to gay men online. He was giving advice to what he thought was a young adult about coming out to his parents. He was not a young adult. He was 15. Outraged and with the inability to come to terms with her son’s sexuality, the mother lashed out and called her cop friend to arrest my partner. On that night he was charged with one count enticing a minor and child pornography.

    You might be asking yourself, if it is not true, how can this happen?

    Believe me, we asked ourselves that same question for years. There is not a good answer. The fact is there is abuse of power everywhere in the world and we experienced it firsthand.

    To make things more complicated, after a year or so, the now 16 year old kid was suicidal and even though against better judgement, my partner was there to help.

    The Department of Human Services deemed it safer to live with us than his mother and stepdad.
    My partner paid for his private school, all expenses and encouraged him to go to college. The kid was able to get a scholarship at a good university with the essay from the whole experience.

    After 3 ½ years, the case was dismissed because due to lack of evidence.
    Sure, it was a relief that further injustice did not continue on that day, but at that point, the damage was done. My partner was a strong, confident and ambitious young man that changed into a wounded animal. If you tried to help, you would get hurt.

    It was a painful experience unravelling the threads of two lives when you are so intertwined.
    The lessons that I Learned from this experience were how to tune into my intuition and that I do create my own reality.

    I could blame the mother, the policeman, the corrupt justice system, but that would take away my power.

    The truth is, our fears and beliefs of persecution were manifested into reality.

    Be mindful of what you focus on, because it will come true.

    I decided that I could not help my partner anymore. I could only help myself. I had to leave for self-preservation. The few people that I have told, tell me that it did not happen to me personally. Why does it affect me? I have to say if this happened to a spouse or someone you love, how could it not affect you?

    Though it has almost been 10 years since that life-changing night of sushi and an arrest, I have consciously realized that I am doing different versions of the same thing.

    In heart based businesses, I keep hearing to stop being selfish and focus on serving people. I like than idea because I love to help. Since I have had a traumatic experience of what serving and trying to help can bring you, it has been hard getting out there consistently.

    Mind you this has NOT been conscious until today. It is amazing how we learn to protect ourselves even when it is not good for us anymore.
    By not powerfully moving forward with my business online, I continue to stand somewhat in the role of victim and the fear of persecution.

    This post along with your Steve Harvey post and all of the wonderful stories of triumph in the comments made it real to me.

    It is time to start sharing and helping others in a bigger way. It will be scary. It will be fine.
    Focus my energy on what I want to create instead of what I do not.

    Deep breath, Deep breath ….

    • Chelsea - Team Forleo

      JT, we’re so honored you shared this with us. What a journey you’re on.

      It’s amazing what this episode helped you become conscious of. And we love that it’s helping you honor your hopes for the future and the beautiful things you have to create.

      I especially loved this line at the end of your post — such a good reminder:

      “Focus my energy on what I want to create instead of what I do not.”

      Thanks for being here.

  189. You rock!

  190. I really thought I had forgiven my abuser- an emotionally, physically, and spiritually bully boyfriend. However, until I actually (terrified) told my story in front of a group of people, for a fundraiser, I discovered THAT was when I actually let go. I forgave my Self for choosing him. And, consequently forgave him, as best I could. In the face of nearly 100 people, with quaky voice, I opened my heart and encouraged the nearly forgotten sensation of what it was like to be victimized. I don’t actually recall what I said but the gracious comments and funding that night, I know I was heard.
    Thank you, Marie, for bringing this memory to the forefront again.
    Big Love, Paula

    • Chelsea - Team Forleo

      Beautiful, good for you Paula. xoxo

  191. Hi Maria and all the lovely people here,
    I have just read Fred Connors beautiful post, and all the comments that followed, it touched a real cord and moved something deep inside me.
    I was sexually abused by my stepfather for about 16 years. For the following 25 years I wrestled with the whole forgiveness thing, not only towards him but towards my mum. It was the forgiving of my mum that I found the hardest. She is the only mum I have, I wanted to love her, however in becoming a mother myself I found my heart harden even more towards her, it hurt.
    2 years ago, and after a very long and at times messy journey, of self discovery I made the decision to finally let it go. I read to her Neale Donald Walsch’s book ‘The Little Soul and the Sun’. The book that finally enabled me to let go of my stepfather and all he’d done.
    We cried and held each other, it was the first time that I could remember really allowing her ‘in’. She finally voiced how sorry she was that she didn’t protect me, I asked her to just let it all go, as I had, and let us begin to build a relationship without secrets and skeletons.
    We have, I am so grateful to be free of the pain that being unable to forgive caused us. I enjoy the time I spend with her now, I see her as a fragile human doing her best with the resources she has, as indeed she always did. In forgiving her my life is lighter, easier and much more gentle.

    • Caroline - Team Forleo

      Sarah, thank you so much for taking the time to comment and share your story with us. It’s so courageous of you to share so openly here, and it’s beautiful that after what you’d been through, you were able to find healing and reconnect with your mom . We so appreciate you taking a moment to comment and be such a strong and wonderful example of the power of forgiveness. <3

  192. Sarah,
    Many adult children never get to the realization that our parents are human and flawed. We have this idea when we are young that they are super heroes and most aren’t. I am glad you are able to see your mom as a human, imperfect and doing the best she could with the tools she was given. Now it is up to you to use your tools wisely as your toolbox is bigger than hers.

  193. Forgiveness is such a powerful experience, because it can change everything about our lives in the twinkling of an eye. When we learn that forgiveness is really about our interpretation of our experience — the story we’ve told ourselves (and others) about what has happened to us — it makes forgiving all the more difficult yet all the more freeing at the same time. It’s a strange dichotomy, and thus its power. I believe that half the battle of learning to forgive is learning what to do with guilt. Although forgiveness seems to belong to the victim and guilt to the perpetrator, understanding our deepest motivations when we ourselves “sin” against another can help us see others in the same way that God sees us. This is when forgiveness is possible at last.

  194. I need to watch this today, thank you so much, you are such a gift Marie, you are supporting and changing people’s lives, amazing xx

  195. Hi guys,

    a good friend of mine told me that we should forgive because we deserve a present that it is not affected by the past.
    If you do not move on you bring that negativity in your present and it will limit the joy, happyness, prosperity and wonderful relationships you could bring into your life.
    We are the ones who receive the most benefit from forgiveness, not the other person.

  196. Ineed advice

    I have a situation at present which I’m trying to deal with. Please tell me how to deal with this and forget. A little long story please be bare with me.

    For the last 4 years my brother was dating a girl who had “a bad name” every where as a girl who was I don’t know how to put it but who was apparently getting physical or making out with many men. My brother decided to introduce her to me and When I met her and got to know her I felt she was a very warm and a lovely girl who was just lonely as she dint have many friends which she always complained to me about. I felt she truly loved my brother and absolutely adored him and he changed her ways ! I introduced her to my close bunch of friend’s. They are as good as family and friends since schooldays. We all had amazing parties and memories last 4 years. She was friendly as I am with them. And one day I got married and moved to another country. Meanwhile my brother and her were engaged to be married after 15 days of new years eve. Marriage was fun in was so happy to see him marrying this lovely girl. After 3 weeks of marriage I get to know from my best friend that another best friend of mine and my brother’s (to be) wife had smooched in the new years eve party which was 15 days before their scheduled wedding 🙁 this has now created lot of problems in my friend’s circle as everyone are shocked and have varying opinion on this as the kiss was initiated by my sister in law and she was drunk (she was partying with my friends while my brother was with friends in another city ) Kind of burst my bubble of my having a great sister in law and a good friend . Both broke my trust! Although my brother has look past this and they are still happy. I don’t know how to forget and trust her again. I worry or my brother’s future that she shouldn’t break his heart cheating again also did me and my brother make a mistake trusting a girl whose name wasn’t that good in the social circle already !! Please give me an advice which helps me look past this and maintain peace in my family life apart from this I got nothing against her.

    • Caroline - Team Forleo

      Hi there, thank you so much for leaving a comment, and I’m so sorry to hear that happened and has caused tension with your friends and family. It sounds like you’ve gotten to know this girl really well and I can absolutely understand how her actions betrayed you and your brother.

      One thing that’s important to remember is that it can take time to forgive someone and rebuild that trust again, and that’s absolutely okay. There’s no exact timeline for how long that can take, so being willing to forgive when you’re ready is a great place to start. That could even be a part of your meditation or prayer practice if you have one, like saying “I intend to forgive her when I’m ready.” Marie shares an example of that in this episode too, so I hope you find that helpful.

      It’s tough knowing we can’t control other people’s actions, so that trust can take some time to rebuild. However if it seems like she realizes her mistake and intends to move on, forgiveness is the first step to eventually rebuilding that trust over time.

      For more ideas that might be helpful, definitely check out this other wonderful MarieTV episode too:

  197. Lucie

    Dear Marie,

    Thank you for this insightful video. I was confronting with some painful life experiences. We are all in one or another way wounded from life experiences. Sometimes we need to get punched in our face, so we wake up and finally see what we didn’t realise or were ignoring before. Understanding helps, learning the story and circumstances of others, to be able to see more clearly and get some distance from our own personal issues. It helps me to read about human nature, work on myself and also, don’t know if you heard about Katie Byron and her work? It’s a good tool to remind us, that our perspective, is “just” our perspective. This shows us that sometimes we also push on somebody or do something to someone, what is not comfortable for the person. It’s about limits, knowing where are our limits and showing them, being firm, is about respecting ourselves and others. I’m not sure that there are many of us who do it and are systematic with this. Because it requires first of all from us to be firm and systematic with ourselves.
    Another thing is to get over the pain, to get in touch with ourselves and that can be scary and hurt a lot. But at the end, if we manage to get there, we are quite close from loving life. In love there is no space for bitterness.

    All the best wishes Marie!

  198. Thank you Christina! What a thoughtful and inspiring video message. It really shed some light for me. Thank you!

  199. Lana Carrera

    Everyone has to forgive at some time, otherwise the devil becomes their new best friend. However, to forgive is to not make someone your friend or restore them to your heart. Know when you have been deeply hurt, deceived, purposely embarrassed and injured. After you have been hurt that part of you will always be damaged, or need repair or even be dead. This you can not change any more than bringing the dead back to life or walking after being paralyzed. So, face the facts that the hurt is real and so is justice.

    You do not have to be friends with someone who has hurt, wronged, harassed you or your loved ones. You do not have to talk to them or acknowledge them or even hear their apology. They know what they did and often times they are proud of it and enjoy watching the after effects and after math and watching you try to cope or pull through and to see you sit and wish to heal things is the most satisfying part of all. Chances are these people will hurt you again.

    Your husband will cheat on you again; chances are not in the percentages he wont. That person will molest again, undoubtedly, and your best friend will in fact spread another rumor and gossip about you.

    It is a small and rare situation these things don’t occur and I will tell you the more you smile and welcome them back in to your heart, the more people around you will leave you in the dark and allow you to have the blissful ignorance you craves you think that your forgiveness now controls the situation. That bully will pick on your child again and that person will steal from you again and do drugs again and yes that man will hit you again and again. You forgiving them or not will not stop this.

    Forgiveness will not stop them from hurting you or change who they are and chances are they will enjoy every minute of you tearing down the little esteem and self respect you have to say you forgive them and let them near you again.

    Know this. Do turn to justice, the justice system is strong and well founded for a reason. Do acknowledge your rights, do cut them out, do change your number, do encourage your children to stay far away from them and ignore them, do encourage others to find respect in walking away and surround yourselves with people who support this.

    True forgiveness is to never talk to them again, never acknowledge them and accept the fact they do not need to exist in your life any more and neither does what they did.

  200. hi, marie. thank you for existing! i’m deriving so much inspiration since i found you fews days ago. i’m addicted and you’re super amazing! back to forgiveness…
    few years ago, after allowing myself to have a ‘mardi gras’ to be angry at a recently ex of 10 years, i managed to let it out of my system. once there were no anger left, and the ‘mardi gras’ had lost its energy, i thought, “you know what, i’m ready to forgive him, why not! i’m bored of being angry.” i found a comfortable safe place on my bed and said to my mind, “i forgive you, with all my heart.” the next thought that came was… “and i forgive myself too.” suddenly a gush of feeling just took over and i had never felt so liberated, full of love and light. that was a significant moment in my spiritual life.
    however, there is one person i am struggling to forgive. i know better but somehow my sister has a really strong hold on me. and i’ve tried youtubing, reading on this matter but she just has this thing over me. until i saw this video. you reminded me the freedom that i felt and it brought me home through the way you word it. so i’d like to do it here while i don’t know how to forgive this one i am willing to forgive… and i forgive myself. and i am reclaiming my mental, emotional and spiritual freedom. and may the universe help me fulfill this.
    thank you, marie, for this clarity… much love

    • Caroline - Team Forleo

      Lina, thank you so much for your comment and sharing your thoughts. Forgiving ourselves can be the hardest part sometimes, especially when we’re in a situation when we’re finding it difficult to forgive someone close to us, and it sounds like you’re taking some great steps forward.

      It means the world to hear that you found us recently and are finding our work inspiring. We’re honored to welcome you to our beautiful community!

  201. Kara

    Thank you, Marie. I found out about a month ago my boyfriend of 6 years betrayed me. Needless to say, it has been a very rough month, and I am struggling with forgiving him. I could not have read this at a better time. Thank you!!!

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