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Two Words To ‘Win’ Any Argument, Fast

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I’m happy to be back in New York after spending a few weeks in Paris and Morocco.

Now the vast majority of my trips in recent years have been work related — speaking, conferences, seminars. You know, productive stuff.

While I love all kinds of travel, I have to say that being completely off from work the past few weeks has been massively healing for my mind, body and soul.

It was also deeply nourishing to spend extended, almost non-stop quality time with Josh. He’s someone I cherish and absolutely adore experiencing the world with.

98% of the time, we get along like gangbusters. But, like any couple, we get on each other’s nerves, too. You should have seen the fiery little exchange we had in Paris getting lost during my relentless hunt for the perfect croissant :) !

Conflict isn’t fun for anyone, but it is a natural part of life. The better we can get at dealing with it, the easier life becomes.

In today’s episode of MarieTV, you’ll learn two magical words to help you ‘win’ almost any argument, fast.


Today’s Tweetable: Saying ‘you’re right’ doesn’t mean you’re wrong.” @MarieForleo

Now, I’d love to hear from you. In the comments below, tell me your take on these magical two words — have you used them before and what was the outcome? Do you have a another approach that helps you diffuse a tense situation?

Be as specific as you can in your reply as thousands of souls come here each week to find insight and inspiration.

Thank you for reading, watching and sharing. You make my week!

P.S. I posted some pics and a video from my travels over on Instagram if you want to check them out.

xo

Marie Forleo

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Read the comments or Add yours

Lisa Robbin Young

There are two ways I’ve used to effectively defuse a situation without putting myself “in the wrong.”

I like the “Fell, felt, found” approach. “I understand how you feel. I’ve felt that way too (or I know others who’ve felt that way, too). What I’ve found is…”

The other is to just say “I understand exactly what you mean.” Presuming, of course, you really DO understand what they mean.

When you’re a coach, it’s not uncommon to hear a lot of “yeahbuts” when you’r suggesting an uncomfortable or new course of action. These two approaches have worked well for me – and my clients, too. :-)

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Emelia

All this requiring us to be adult-like….ugh. ;)

Totally agree with you both, Marie and Lisa.

“You’re right” is impossible to say when you’re hyped up but we can bypass this. I always say our emotions are indicators but not excuses to “act the fool.” If we’re able to step out of the emotion in order to step up, then we can take right action. I’m all for avoiding escalation.

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Kristen the Passion Plan Coach

I still have to remind myself sometimes that I’m a REAL adult, too ;)

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Galen

So true Kristen! In the moment it’s hard to stay calm and remember how you “should” act in a situation. I often try to think about what my triggers are so I can recognize them when things start to get heated.

That way I can learn to relax and react logically instead of irrationally ;)

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Lisa Robbin Young

That’s a great point, Emelia. It’s really hard to say “you’re right” when you’re thinking the other party is completely wrong. Most of us haven’t trained ourselves to handle it that way.

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Kylie

Thanks for sharing this, Emelia.

“If we’re able to step out of the emotion in order to step up, then we can take right action. I’m all for avoiding escalation.”

That’s so helpful to me!

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gloria

Good advice.

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Faran Khan

definitely agree with you. Marie’s episode was moving much in an ideal scale, but in reality it’s almost impossible to control an urge to just burst out at the other person and make himself ‘accept’ your point of view. @Marie you should give some talk on self control too :)
cheers!

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Erica

Marie, my husband is from Morocco AND we met in Paris (on the Champs Elyssee no less!), so you can imagine how intrigued and elated I was about your vacation destination! How did you choose to visit these 2 magical places?

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Amanda Macdonald

Hello Marie. As usual a great topic and solution and yes I see how effective it is. I have a situation where my business partner has made some pretty disloyal decisions in the past and we are trying to work threw that. He is always saying I’m right, but after years of this and still feeling unheard it is frustrating. I know I need to look at myself as the change I want to see, but i tend to have the flight response to the whole situation and are not really prepared to take a risk with this person again even though they are trying to make things right. I think I was also like this in my marriage and flight is the action I took there. How do you get the feeling of being heard?? Otherwise I just keep wanting to do things on my own and are burdened by my own independence.

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Amanda Macdonald

My ex husband has an issue with his Mum. She says “I hear you”, but he feels she doesn’t. Is there a difference in personal relationships as to business relationships? I guess he feels very hurt by a hurt childhood. Saying sorry or your right sometimes can not fix it? I’d be interested to hear anyone else’s opinions on this too

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Henry Africa

Amanda, thats so interesting. I use that phrase when I see conflict coming and I find it buys me time and gets the other person to talk more. They think…” HE AGREES WITH ME”… Actually it couldnt be further from the truth. “I hear you” actually in most cases translates to… ” I DON’T AGREE WITH YOU BUT I AM NOT READY TO TELL YOU UNTIL I UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM”

So if your Mom says to him, “I hear you”. he should reply next… “BUT DO YOU AGREE WITH ME”. That should get them to the engagement phase. Remember though. Rules of engagement should be…
“AGREE TO DISAGREE POSITIVELY” …Keys such as “Listen To Understand and not react”….

One answer, “Your remarks leave me with mixed emotions-Can we discuss this at another time”…

Another answer, ” I would like to respond but I am not sure you are ready to hear my side of the story”

Another answer, “I can see you feel very strongly about this”

If its really going to become emotional, and most of us know when it is heading there then …SIN BIN THE DISCUSSION… Translated that means ” Can we discuss this in about 15 minutes please. I really want to do this now but I need to finish something I am right in the middle of”

“QUOTE ” IF YOU ALWAYS DO THE THINGS YOU HAVE, YOU ALWAYS GET THE RESULTS YOU GOT”…

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Kathy

Lisa,

I’ve found yours is an extremely effective approach to reframing a heated situation into one of finding a common sense solution to an issue. “Yeahbuts” don’t really want your help, but definitely need it the most!

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Alina

The “yeahbuts” are the most challenging. They want to make changes, but they a put a lot of mental obstacles in front of them. Change is hard for everyone, but if road blocks are raised, then making a change is even harder.

I find that what works with my clients (and with anyone for that matter) is telling them that I was in their position at one time (which I was), it took a lot of courage and self control to get where I am right now, and all the changes that I made did not happen over night. They took time and effort, but they are worth it. Because my health and my family’s health are worth it.

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Alina

The “yeahbuts” are the most challenging. They want to make changes, but they a put a lot of mental obstacles in front of them. Change is hard for everyone, but if road blocks are raised, then making a change is even harder.

I find that what works with my clients (and with anyone for that matter) is telling them that I was in their position at one time (which I was), it took a lot of courage and self control to get where I am right now, and all the changes that I made did not happen over night. They took time and effort, but they are worth it. Because my health and my family’s health are worth it.

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Marian

Hi, I’m brand new to this site! Yesterday I found myself in a disagreement. When the other persons intensity kept escalating (and by the way, she was TOTALLY wrong) I said “you’re right”! I wish you could have seen the expression on her face..it was one of joy. I also saw a lot of validation there too! Thank you so much for those tips.It’s unbelievable what those 2 words can do.

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Starr

Dearest Marie, I loved this message! Twenty minutes after I listened to it I dealt with a friend who I no longer choose to have in my life. Her verbal abuse and lying had been enough for me and I chose to move on.
Well, she needed to be told why. I told her. Her first response was to angrily say well I helped you and now I see you are a user.
I responded with. “You’re right.”. You did help me. But you are not kind and it hurt and I deserve better. I loved it! I didn’t get into all of the nice things I had done for her, hey that is just ego. I can see her truth now and I feel better ending it. I am so grateful for you and your wise videos in my life! Many blessings Marie! With love, peace and joy, Starr

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Kristen the Passion Plan Coach

Whew, this is a tough one, Marie! You’re so right (did you see what I did there?) that this really works, but it can be SO tough when you’re in the heat of conflict. But it’s true — both people usually ARE right, so it’s very neutralizing to validate their view … and then you can share your own perspective.

Thanks, Marie, for smoothly dealing with a tough topic!

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Lisa Robbin Young

It reminds me of that Zig Ziglar quote: “People don’t care what you know until they know that you care.” When you say “You’re right” it shows you care about their point of view, and then they’re usually more willing to listen.

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Christina Gouveia

Oohhh!! Well said!

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Kelly - Project Me

Wow – I LOVE that one Lisa!!! :)

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Henry Africa

Lisa I have a question. I used a quote in one of my books that I have never traced. It goes like this…

“PEOPLE DON’T CARE HOW MUCH YOU KNOW, UNTIL THEY KNOW HOW MUCH YOU CARE”… Do you think it is from the same Zig Ziglar. Same quote recycled? Where can I find some of the quotes you refer to? Would appreciate any information that could help me to trace its origin…

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Lisa Robbin Young

See? This is why God made the Internet. I goofed. It’s not Zig. It’s John C. Maxwell. Still a great speaker and thought leader. :-)

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Henry Africa

Thanks Lisa for your quick reply… Will google and check some of his stuff… Appreciated..:)

Robin Hallett

Thank you Marie, you’re right ;) the wake we create in the heat of the moment can be very big and can habe lingering effects. Getting comfortable with challenging conversations is where it’s at. We all want to know we’ve been heard. I often say, “I get it, I get what you mean” before I respond. Also, it’s good to keep in mind these are peole’s opinions not facts.
Thanks!
Robin

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SandyG

Great Video Marie!

One tip I would like to share is to get good at diffusing yourself No Matter What. That means getting your head out of the game, stop playing offense/defense.

Doing this will create two big things:
1-You won’t put yourself in the position where you have to apologize for something you said or did (in the heat of the moment).

2-As a “spectator” you may recognize whether or not its time for a time out and for both sides to just stop. Neutralize.

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Alison Foxall (@alisonmf)

This is a great reminder and but is sometimes very difficult to implement when you are emotional, seething, and completely frustrated.

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Chela Hardy

I don’t know about you, Alison, but sometimes I just have to end the conversation or even excuse myself and walk away when I’m feeling those emotions! Not easy though…

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Chas

You’re right. I learned those two words a long time ago, along with never to argue with a woman. They are always right. :-)

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Chela Hardy

This is too true! I had an article that made LinkedIn Pulse last week, so it got more attention than I am used to. A couple of the comments I received on the article had me wanting to strike back verbally, but I took a breath and tried to see their point of view. I used those very special two words, “you’re right”, acknowledging their comments while at the same time offering insight into why I’d written what I had. Several people “liked” my response, most likely because of the way I handled it. Amazing how just those two words can calm you down!

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Jerry

Got try this and I have the perfect opinionated friend.
As always love your sense of humor.

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Africa Archield - Joy Strategist

Thanks for those two magic words, Marie! I don’t think I’ve ever used those words exactly in a conversation, but I have learned to diffuse potentially volatile situations.

I learned to use GLAM Time – specifically ‘L’ – come from love. I had an awful temper and had to always be right which does not translate well into healthy relationships. Coming from Love taught me to respond rather than react to situations. As you mentioned Marie, it takes stepping into the other person’s shoes and seeing from their perspective. Then as you respond to what they are saying because you have truly listened and processed, you can respond (not react) and come from a place of love.

Am I perfect with this, no. However, it did come in handy when my 4 year old took a bath with my Kindle Fire. My teenage couldn’t believe I didn’t blow up, and I got to bask in the nirvana of less stress and setting a better example.

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Charisse

You are so absolutely right! And I love your title… Joy Strategist! Brilliant!!

I too had (have) an awful temper that I’ve learned to recognize and rein in – since it’s usually only the people closest to me that can light that kind of fire :) And my love for them far outweighs any “wrong” that say, my kids have done.

I take a moment to register the looks on their faces if I start going into angry warrior mode, and check myself. Apologize immediately if I’ve already let fly an angry comment and get to the real business of communicating.

Once I was teaching a bellydance class in my home studio and smelled something burning – only to find out that my kids thought they could make grilled cheese *in* the toaster! Safety first, but honestly I had a good chuckle over it and explained lovingly, “oh honey, here’s how you make grilled cheese… safely” … and this is what happens if you try to melt cheese in tha toaster! lol… The whole thing took no more than a few minutes, and my class–mostly moms–were *amazed* that I hadn’t gone off the deep end. A few admitted that they would have “ripped into their kids” and I had to give myself a little pat for setting a good example :) You know as well as I do, I’m sure, that teachers often can influence areas outside the specific material they teach. :)

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Africa Archield - Joy Strategist

Love your grilled cheese incident, Charisee!

You are so right about being especially ourselves with those closest to us when we should treat them with even more love and the best of who we are. Great idea to check their facial expressions. Doing so brings you fully in the moment which hopefully helps with noticing other things (breathing, voice intonation, and the words between the words) and as you say, real communication can begin.

Can’t get the toaster grilled cheese visual out of my head. I’ll be giggling for awhile! <3

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Theresa Reed | The Tarot Lady

This is great advice! Kind and diplomatic yet honest.

I’m also a big fan of “non-violent communication” by Marshall Rosenberg. I have used those techniques to transform all of my relationships. It’s all about communicating with clarity and compassion. When we bring that energy into any conflict, we can find resolution, every time.

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Marie Forleo

Yes Theresa! Incredible book – thanks for the reminder here.

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Theresa Reed | The Tarot Lady
Carm

I do this sometimes…. sometimes.
It’s hard.
But I’ve found trying to understand people is better than trying to change them.
But sometimes…..it’s hard.

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Robert B

As one of my teachers likes to ask “would you rather be right or be loved?”

Accessing the adult and nurturing parent parts of ourselves can be easier when reflecting on that question.

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Trish Allan

I love that – “You’re right!” turns down the heat on a cellular level :)

Finding ways to understand the conflict from the other person’s perspective is incredibly valuable for building bridges, empathy and functional relationships. Both people are ‘right’ from their perspective- the key is having an open mind and heart. Being open allows you to appreciate the opinions of others even if they’re in opposition to your own, while gracefully sharing your perspective and rationale.

Thanks Marie!

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Anne

I always use the words “you’re right”, and it works. But I had never thought about it, I just do it instinctively; so, I really like the video, because now I understand why it works.

Now I struggle a lot more with “how to respond to very aggressive-negative people-trolls etc.”, and that’s 99% online, in comments sections of blogs, FB, etc.

I have Italian blood and I tend to have a (very) short fuse with this type of people.

You know, the ones who will make comments like “awful. just blooming awful…” or ” Wow…What a pile of bullshit…” or “What a completely absurd article. The tripe that gets published these days is amazing.” (I’m pasting real examples from a good article I’ve read online)

What do you suggest? Irony? Ignoring them completely? Asking them why they’re having such a bad day?

What has worked well for you? Thanks!

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Ellen M. Gregg: Healing with Ellen

Hi, Anne!

It’s amazing what people will say in a seemingly disconnected comment section that they would, more than likely, never say person-to-person.

As I read the statements you cited, I heard (and felt), “Trying to get a rise.” Those are the types of comments that are the equivalent of live bait. They’re button-pusher comments; meant to start a dialogue (argument) that is a complete waste of your time and energy.

All I can say is, as I’ve read and heard so many other places, “Don’t feed the trolls.” And more personally, for you, consider those comments an opportunity to exercise one of the Four Agreements: “Don’t take anything personally.” It can be life-changing.

Peace. ~Ellen

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Anne

Thanks Ellen! I agree, they would never say it person-to-person.
I will keep this in mind: “Don’t feed the trolls.” Good advice.

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Marie Forleo

Hey Anne, your question is great and many folks have different opinions on how to engage (or not). As with most issues, there’s not one right answer. It’s all about context and how you want to spend your time and energy. All of the examples you shared above would not be comments I’d be likely to engage with. Other times, you’ll find someone respectfully expressing a different point of view and you sense a genuine desire to engage in a meaningful, honorable discussion. Those can be fantastic opportunities for learning and growth!

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Anne

Thanks Marie! This really helps. I’ve applied your advice about guest blogging and I’m getting ready to guest post; seeing such reactions from people on other people’s posts freaked me out at the beginning. I have a thick skin but I also have a big mouth sometimes… I will meditate with your wise advice!

By the way, I had my first ever guest post published yesterday on a very good site in my niche and I got 25+ subscribers! B-School is great!

Anne

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Cathy M

Hi.. I have been browsing through some high school reunion FB notes and 40 years later some folks sound ‘mentally the same’ and could use this. ;-) I did share on my page .. maybe it’ll make its way to the reunion page too. Thanks bunches!!

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Sally

I struggle with conflict. Not because I get into conflict. But because I prefer to avoid it altogether. I had two thoughts watching this video.

Yes, saying “You’re right” diffuses heat in a conflict. The challenge is avoiding the word “but”. It’s too easy to say the 3 words “You’re right. But…” The problem is the “but” takes away from the power of the words “You’re right”. The other person focuses on the but and what comes after it. If you really want to diffuse things, I recommend backing up “You’re right” with some genuine empathy.

Which brings me to my second thought. How and when to introduce the but? Assuming you still want to put your point of view across. My approach is to wait for things to calm down and not launch right in. Or sometimes I just let it go.

One more thought (oops – this makes 3 thoughts). What about when dealing with customer complaints? My approach is to neither agree or disagree. Instead I show empathy and offer some sort of compensation (if appropriate).

I’d love to hear how others handle conflict in business and whether it’s different to how they handle conflict in their personal lives.

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Kay Ross

Hi Sally – you’re right, it can be confusing when you want to introduce a “but”, which dilutes the power of the “You’re right”. I believe it IS possible to introduce your point of view without saying “but”. What I’ve found is that it really helps to say “and” instead of “but”. For example: “You’re right, and what I’ve found is…”, or, to paraphrase one of Marie suggestions: “You’re right, and another way to look at it is…”. I learned to use “and” instead of “but” by studying and performing improvisation – the number-one principle of improvisation is “Yes, and…”, which means accepting what the other person says/does, and then adding to it in a positive, useful way. Saying “Yes, and…” doesn’t necessarily mean that you agree with what the other person says; it means that you accept and acknowledge that it’s true for them, and then you build on it. In fact, I find that saying “and” instead of “but” is incredibly useful in all sorts of conversations, whether on stage or in real life.

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Deb Holton-Smith

OMG Marie. You’re RIGHT!!!! (TeeHee….and I mean it!!)

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justine

Great advice and yes, I’ve used those words before and it does do magic!

I’m very consequent to use in in my biz but I forget to apply it in my personal life, like this morning, I got into a discussion with some friends and I got defensive (not good!).

but Im going to write back to them, telling them they’re right, because you know, they are right and I understand how they feel & what they want, I can as well let them know and sooth the situation!

thanks Marie!

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Elizabeth Montana

Important advice, Marie! It takes a strong and courageous person to say this in a conflict, but it immediately empowers both the person who said it, and the one ‘being heard’.

Years ago my husband displayed to me the most generous way to end an argument, with both of us feeling loved, and with an unspoken agreement to ‘agree to disagree’. In the midst of an argument in which we both felt passionately about our position, he suddenly stopped, looked at me and said, “Hug Time?” He then proceeded to hug me when I thought I least wanted a hug, but the effect was nothing short of magic. It completely reconnected us in a matter of seconds, with whatever external issue dissolving away the longer we hugged. He said “I’m sorry”, even though he confessed laughingly later on that he never thought he was wrong. He said that in that moment, he could feel danger that we could damage our relationship because each of us felt “right”. He realized then he had to do something to change the direction we were going. It not only gave me a visceral experience of how quickly we can change things if we show love and respect during conflict, but at the same time I felt so safe that I could always express a difference of opinion without fear of going too far, because I had “Hug Time” and “I’m Sorry” in my back pocket.

We just celebrated our 20th anniversary, and Hug Time is part of our daily ritual, just for a nice ‘reconnect’ each day, as well as anytime we need support, and, yes, if we ever have a disagreement.

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Kelsey

Yay! Great story and advice. I, too, have found ‘I’m sorry’ to diffuse conflict because even if you aren’t sorry for what you did it acknowledges what the other person felt. Happy Anniversary and Happy Hug Time!!

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Charisse

I love this! It really takes courage, love, and presence of mind to put aside “winning” the argument in the heat of the moment. Bravo to you both! He for offering the hug – and you for accepting! It takes two to make that happen ;)

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Skye

That is so awesome Elizabeth. We sometimes tend to be more self righteous and unforgiving with our sig others. I used to be that girl who always had to be right until I realized it’s all about perspective. During conflict I began counting to 5 before responding and that gave me time to come out of ego and respond in a way that’s loving and calm. It became really easy to do and before I knew it, there was less and less conflict. And it rubs off on the other person. Our way of communicating is so much more respectful and nurturing and it has definitely strengthened our relationship.

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Christina Gouveia

Marie!! I had this exact situation last night at work!! What was probably the most frustrating thing was my co worker started off by saying “I have to go but….I just want to tell you this but nothing else, I don’t want to talk about it…” This made the whole conversation even harder to hear. She didnt way to talk to me he wanted to tell me. And then bail. I did subconsciously use the “you’re right” phrasing but she was set in her decision. And she came back with “but you don’t get it.” It took a lot of self control to keep it together and say “I know you have to go, but we can talk about this later.”
I’m still fired up about this because she is treating me like one of her students rather than a co-worker. I’ve decided to be pleasant and civil but not really engage her.

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Nicole

The two words – “you’re right” are a definite conflict defuser – as the other person has nowhere to go after you say those words to them and then you both cool down to discuss the matter or let it go.

Another two words that work well in a conflict situation are thank you.

Thank you for sharing that, thank you for that information, thank you ect …
I find it can work well at times.

Love your work, Maria!

nicoletorrens.com

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Phyllis

This is such solid advice. In writing, it’s called making a concession. When we let others know we understand their position, we open the opportunity to share our position. They may not agree, but they are more open to at least hearing what we have to say.

I’m putting this is practice today!

Thanks, Marie. You always offer practical, valuable solutions to issues.

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Clarissa

Sometimes changing the subject also works for me.

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Lori Glier

Dear Marie

I agree yet think your right in some cases.
Although when people are discrimination in a persons race, gender, faith, disability, or what ever the case I truly think this is a serrios issue. I do not or will not say your right in your views.
I will firmly say you have right to your thought yet that is a discriminating views.
If we continue to ignore and say this is right there will not be change and justice for people with culture faith gender and disabilities.

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Marie Forleo

Thanks for what you shared, and, I agree with you Lori. Here on MarieTV we do our best to communicate and share a useful idea in a short amount of time. And, no one idea/concept/strategy/or tip is appropriate in all situations — everything is about context!

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Lori Glier

Dear Marie,
Your right! Keep doing what your doing plus I wanta say you are an inspiration and hope.
I love coming here Tuesday’s.
Keep being Authentically unique Marie!
Heaps of love,
Lori

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Skye

Hey there Marie, You’re right, that is one way to respond however I choose to respond with “I see your perspective” . And then I offer a different perspective and I ask them how that feels. I’ve had many clients who were stuck and in their own way because they thought their way was the right way. And even though they know they’re stuck, they sometimes don’t want to adopt a new perspective or a new way of doing something. So if I know that what they’re doing is not serving them, I cannot say “you’re right”. This works for me, and my clients are gently and respectfully moved to open up to a new perspective. After all, that’s what they are paying me for.

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Marie Forleo

Love this Skye!

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Skye

Thank you Marie!

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Kelsey

I love this! I also think ‘I’m sorry’ can be a great way to diffuse tension in an argument. Even if you are not sorry for what you did, if the other party feels as if they’ve been wronged it’s very similar to saying ‘You’re right’ if you’re able to apologize for how your actions came across and then go into your intention – which was hopefully positive!

xoxo

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Bunni

I total agree!! I have used this technique for many years because I personally would rather be happy than right

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Steve Szubert

How about, “You’re right … and you would be even more right if you could see what I am saying, too.”

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Katrina Wynne

Thanks Marie…You’re Right.

…and may I make an additional suggestion?

“Nonviolent Communication” (aka Compassionate Communication) by Marshall Rosenberg, is a powerful consciousness raising and conflict reducing way of communication.

Peace,
Katrina

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Saskia

Here comes a yeahbut…
I would worry that in the case where let’s say I have a work conflict with a client, admitting he is right will make me loose the battle.

This may work perfectly if you are not afraid to stand up for yourself and would be defensive otherwise like you state Marie. But if you (like many women I know) struggle with setting you’re boundaries and standing up for yourself this may not work…

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Skye

Two things if I may Saskia

1. Never look at anything as a battle. On a soul level, we are not meant to battle, battle is conflict.

2. When you stand in your power, you don’t have to “stand up for yourself” all you have to do is stand. You don’t care about right or wrong, as a matter of fact, 99% of the time there is no right or wrong, just perspective. What might be right for you might not be right for someone else and for them …you.

As a coach you have to learn the art of finesse that will help you to respectfully get your client to see a different perspective that will help them get from point A to point B.

BTW, I love the “yeahbut” :)

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Christine

This is THE BEST advice ever! I’m totally using this with my husband when we come into conflict. Yay!!!

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merle

Good advice! I tend to use the phrase, I hear what your saying, and then go into it.. but I like “your right” to start, since it makes the hair on their neck.. lay down!! LOL

But, what if you actually really do not agree with what they have said, or their view, or their advice? Do you still say “your right”? Or is there a better phrase to get out first?

Love your videos!
merle

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Ellen M. Gregg: Healing with Ellen

Great topic, as usual.

I think, oftentimes, that people want to know they’ve been heard. When I say, “I hear what you’re saying,” without any additional input based on my opinion or perspective, I acknowledge that person and their voice without giving away my power or misspeaking my perspective.

It’s also a great exercise for laying down my own need to be right – which can be painful, at times – and is a practice that encourages progress where my ego is concerned.

In a coaching session, the luxury of letting that diffusive statement lie isn’t an option. Asking a client, “Are you willing to hear another perspective?” indicates they have a choice to listen, or not. Chances are, they’ll listen. If they don’t then it’s on to another topic.

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Scott

Marie:

You’re (absolutely) right. What I have found is that people feel it’s an all or nothing proposition. If one of the parties feels that the other is not 100% correct, they cannot stomach the idea of conceding, or even diffusing, the issue and allowing those words (“you’re right”) to pass through their lips.

Apart from the fact that being 100% right is a very rare occurrence, diffusing a situation allows for a constructive dialogue, the opportunity to make your point, and hopefully build an alliance on that issue, or at the very least, “agree to disagree’ and move forward in a constructive fashion.

Obviously, all relationships are not on the same level. The “personal” relationships need to be handled with love and respect towards the other person, and as such, wanting to be right while proving the other wrong, is not a sound strategy towards maintaining a loving relationship.

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Marie Forleo

Fantastic points Scott, thanks for sharing this.

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Olga

Good one, Marie!

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Robin Siegerman

Years ago, my husband and I attended a Dale Carnegie course. They said most people can’t admit they’re wrong, even if they know they are, which I believe to be true. They said, instead of fighting tooth and nail to maintain your position when you’ve been proven wrong, just admit you’re wrong “quickly and emphatically” and you diffuse a potentially tense situation. I’ve used that technique ever since with my son, husband and clients and it works wonders! It allows us to get past the stumbling block and have a civilized conversation!

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Haller Nathalie

Yeah, I totally agree, Robin. I do that too. It’s very effective

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Karima

Your approach is dead on. What you are talking about includes empathy…finding an understanding of the other person’s feelings, passion and where they are at this point of conflict; being in the moment, listening attentively to the other person, not focussing on your next point that you want to say, attentive listening makes the person feel respected, listened to and more likely to listen attentively to you; finally it involves an honest respect for differing opinions and ideas, this will help diffuse any anger you may be feeling and understand we all walk our own journeys and my experiences will be different than yours, these experiences help from our opinions and with honest respect you can stop the hostility, give acknowledgement to the other person’s perspective and have a level headed conversation where you are likely to benefit if you are able to consider things you may never have thought about before. Your second aspect, how to have your side of the story heard was again dead right! We all need to remember that fruitful sharing of thoughts always require empathy, attentive listening, honesty and respect for each other. Thanks for the lesson!

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Catherine Ami

Two tips I use which, I am warning you, are not appropriate in all situations:

1. Physical contact! It’s hard to angry at someone when they touch you. Works best with family, friends and kids. I’m pretty sure this won’t fly with random stranger… actually it could be quite dangerous.

2. Pausing and genuinely looking at the person without saying anything. Gives both of you time to choose the right words, such as, “You’re right!” ;)

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Haller Nathalie

I usually can’t stand anyone touching me in an attempt to soothe me/situation. No matter if its a friend/family member. To me that is an absolute pet peeve and counterproductive.

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Mary Kay

Thanks for the insightful video. Very good advice especially dealing with someone who seems to want to be right always.

For some reason, it reminds me of an interview some talk show host had with Billy Graham many years ago. Reverand Graham had done something completely out of character with his Christian teachings. The interviewer was biting at the bit to make a bit deal of it. Billy Graham diffused the discussion by saying, “Yes, wasn’t that a stupid thing for me to do?” The talk show host was stunned, and the topic was changed. I thought this was brilliant on Billy Graham’s part.

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Marie Forleo

Great story Mary Kay.

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Jean

Marie – you’re right! It’s almost like the saying ‘agree to disagree’ but use the power of persuasion with conviction. Embrace the subject from the other person’s POV and then add yours. You’ll win them over. A good technique to use in biz or in handing family matters.

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CYnthia

I agree. I said it under my breath, because if I said it out loud, it would not be as ladylike as it should be.
But it still worked!

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Jamie

In conflict I always try to ask genuinely “what would make you happy?” It works well in hospitality if someone has a bad meal or experience and usually what will help resolve it in their eyes is never really a big deal

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Licia Morelli

Love the “You’re right”. It’s so true that it is an immediate diffuser – it makes the recipient feel acknowledged and validated. And those are my absolute fave tools to diffuse any tricky situation.

Being a psychic I receive some pretty doozy emails and commentary about topics. When I receive these types of comments or when things get tense I acknowledge the person and validate them – almost 100% of the time they are grateful for having been heard and that makes everything smoother.

It doesn’t make me wrong – it just makes them heard and that’s what a lot of us are searching for – to be heard feels pretty damn good. Even if the person doesn’t agree I’m always happier when at least I feel like I wasn’t shut down before being listened to.

Great video today, Marie! Spreading the love! xoxo

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Betty

Isn’t it funny how things show up just at the right time? I had a little conflict yesterday which I feel like I diffused by doing just this..slightly differently. We are in the process of fundraising for my son’s soccer team for a big summer trip. I wanted to take on the fundraising effort, partly because I felt the group needed someone to act as point person and I was volunteering to do that. The team manager, also a parent, had expressed that she didn’t want to get involved. OK. Too much on her plate. However after I had begun the process, the parents were together at a game on Sunday and the team manager apparently didn’t think the direction I was going was involving the boys enough. So she suggested something else, which was adopted, as well as my direction. Fine. But when the development director of the club (higher up) raised doubts and I expressed them to the team manager, she immediately shot me an angry email, saying that she didn’t want this on her plate, she had way too many things going on, blah, blah, blah…..Hmmm. (didn’t you put that on your plate?)
Great. Instead of pointing that out to her, I said, “great, I get it. Let’s take that off your plate.” I then reached out to another parent and volunteered to help her with it…It’s been a little hard to let go of this, still, as the email from the team manager was harsh. But I just want to go forward and I’m okay now.

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Selenge

Hi Marie, i have done Bschool march intake. it really motivated me to start a small business i have been thinking of doing for while. finally have started. it has been exciting ride.
this video today is feels like dedicated for me. I am doing yoga tour and that traveling around Mongolian countryside. I have professional yoga teacher is going with me. but today we had an argument. She is pretty much attacked me. we talked over solved the problem. but whole day i was feeling like worthless and hopeless, cried out my balls.
I am afraid that i have to deal with sort of problem again during the tour.
how do you deal with people who are controlling acts very much their way.
This video is very soothing. YOU ARE RIGHT! MARIE
I LOVE YOU GORGEOUS LADY!

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Tracee

I LOVE your videos! You are so funny! Thank you!

The other strategy I like is in similar situations is saying, “I’m sorry, Not sure what I did to upset you and make you upset. It was not my intention.” It diffuses the heat and often the person responds with, “You didn’t do anything, I am just upset because of ……….”

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Marie Forleo

Beautiful share Tracee.

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Beverly Ash Gilbert

Thank You!
Wish I had this fab piece of advice last night during my MAJOR conflict with my hubby!

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Brooke

Another response I learned (from a trainer) in handling an upset client who is complaining about what was wrong with a product, service, whatever, is to say “that’s horrible” and appear to agree with them thereby diffusing the rant. I thought it sounded disingenuous but, it actually works! I used to sell print advertising and would get complaints if the color was off even a little (from the printer) but, if I could put myself in their place I could then get to what it is I could do to “make it right” for them. Most times they would settle down and say it was ok. They just needed to hear me say I understood. I always saw complaints as a way to earn a customer for Life. I was #1 salesperson in entire company.

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Erika Madden

I confess, I find it so much easier to implement this advice in writing than I do face-to-face!! ;)

My experience has been that there are certain times and issues when emotions are too heated to remember to talk rationally, so I find that giving yourself (and the other person) the permission to take a breather helps immensely.

The other tip I’ve picked up is to try to avoid blaming statements when expressing your disagreement or unhappiness. For example, instead of, “You are being so hurtful and mean!” it is better to say, “When I’m told that this dress makes me look fat, I feel really unloved and unworthy.” :D

That way it doesn’t feel like a direct attack on the other person, much like saying, “You’re right, ….. Here’s what I’m thinking/feeling right now….” takes away that attack mentality as well!

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Laurel Anderson

I love reading so many beautiful comments about conflict resolution. If at all possible, I tend to ask the other person if I can consider their position and get back to them. It’s best for me, to process my thoughts and come form a calm place. I once learned, it’s just as bad to take offence as to give it. So saying “you are right” (from your perspective) is showing them respect. and they can’t struggle against that. They can’t push, there is no resistance.

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Silvia

Loved this. Recently I did a guest post on essential kitchen tools. One of the comments was from someone who didn’t agree with one of my suggestions but he put it as. Really _____! Clearly not only making me wrong…but rather quite incensed.

My response was, You’re right! And then I explained how and when that was true and when it wasn’t. And then I thanked him for pointing that out. Instead of confrontation…I got a conversation and a lot of likes to my comments.

I made a friend instead of an enemy. It felt great!

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Marie Forleo

Hey Silvia! What a fantastic example – a perfect situation to use this in. Great work and thanks for sharing.

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Nicholas Korn

I am always in favor of diffusing n argument – but I often feel that the “I see it your way now here’s your chance to see it my way” approach can be a little patronizing. I tend to give the other side the benefit of the doubt that they have actually considered the alternative views and come to their own decision. And it may be different from mine, and I accept that.

That’s when someone tries to give me reasons I should change my mind because they have a different point of view, I usually say: I get what you are saying, but I will stand by my opinion. That usually disagreement to a close, and (sometimes) earns a little extra respect.

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Emily Pramik

Great video! Hopefully I won’t need to try out the technique any time soon…

My brilliant Mama always says “take the emotion out of it”. It’s not easy to do, but it allows you to see things rationally and simply. This is especially important in a professional setting, as raving lunacy is something more quickly forgiven between friends or lovers than coworkers.

Keep spreading the peace, everyone!

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Nicole

Thank you for this Marie! I’ve been having some conflict with the person I love the most in the world, and we’re reading Nonviolent Communication as recommended by a few people here. I don’t have a whole lot to add but it’s nice to know communication is a common challenge (in that we aren’t alone in the struggle, not that it is also hard for others!) and that it can improve!

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Joe Serio

Frequently, I will say “That’s interesting” and then comment on why I think so. But I have a couple of overriding rules I try to abide by. First, I do my best not to try to resolve a conflict in the heat of the moment. It’s very difficult, if not impossible, after the emotional center of the brain takes over. Second, as the signals of conflict start arising, I remind myself that even if the other person escalates, I don’t have to. We frequently say, “That person made me so mad. That person made me lose my temper.” No, he/she didn’t. Each of us chooses to escalate, chooses to yell back, chooses to get embroiled in conflict frequently because we think we’re protecting ourselves when, in reality, we’re hurting ourselves.

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Michelle Victor

I think you should do an entire series on this! Thank you for the tip!

As an individual trying to build an ethical (entirely vegan and fair trade) company, I often encounter opinions that infuriate me. It’s easy to want to freak out and, as you say, tear them a new one. In this situation, I don’t believe I can say “you’re right” because I can’t condone something that goes against my beliefs. However, I do find it helpful to diffuse the situation with something along the lines of “I understand your perspective on this, even though we have differing views. I hope you can understand my perspective, too.”, or, I’ll ask them to explain their feelings. People love to put their thoughts out there – hey, I’m even doing it now by sharing this!, so it’s good practice to make others feel that, while you don’t agree, you want to understand. Even if you think that their belief or reasoning is incorrect or ignorant, there’s no harm to be had in letting them explain their thoughts. At the end of the day, most conflict arises out the frustration of not feeling as if you are being heard, understood or appreciated.

Thanks again – I can always do with this reminder :)

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Dale Grove

Hi Marie,
This is great advice. I’ve used it really effectively in the past. However this weekend it failed miserably because the friend I had the disagreement with, was screaming so loud and so long that I couldn’t get a word in. I then got two long ranting emails from her and had to block her phone number and block her on different social media outlets.
I had no idea how to deal with this one other than to say, “Maybe we need to take a break for a couple of months and we could discuss it then and maybe we can resolve this.”

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Anne Roos

Nice two words. My favorite two words: “I understand.” Works in nearly every situation, and it diffuses emotions.

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Marie Forleo

Beautiful Anne!!

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Melissa Zaayenga

It used to be soooo hard for me to say… Now I love how it makes ME feel in those moments. Literally, a weight is lifted. My favorite time to use it is with my 9 yr old son. I’ll never forget the first time– he was fighting me on something but was only being honest, and he was so right. I told him so, and he was so relieved. It left him speechless. All he could do was hug me. :-) Awesome advice once again, Marie.

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Brenda Canas

Absolutely! I get hot-headed and snappy really quick, especially with my mom, so I do my best to remember to say “you’re right” and attempt to give my perspective if she allows me. Another thing to remember is… take a moment to BREATHE!!! When you feel tension or anger coming up, note your breath. Most of the time you’re holding it or it’s shallow. Take a deep slow breath or two and go on with what you’re going to say. I’m not saying take a deep loud annoyed sigh, just a quiet, deep breath. :)

Love your insights, Marie! You rock!

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Johanna

Marie -

You’re SO right. Disconnecting the phrase “you’re right” from implying that “you’re wrong” is key.

It’s so much fun to say that, disarm people and watch their expression.

xx Johanna

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Natalie

Ah, so that’s the trick! I thank you… (and my husband will soon thank you too ;-)

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Vanessa Gobes

Hi Marie!

I love the meaning you give to “You’re right,” but there’s something about those two words in particular that sits just south of the sweet spot — at least for me!

When Thich Nhat Hanh teaches compassionate communication, he says, “I’m here for you,” and, “I hear what you’re saying.” Similar to “You’re right,” the phrases are disarming, but they add touches of vulnerability, neutrality, and presence to the conversation.

Loved the pics from your trip on FB. Welcome home… Keep up the amazing work!!

Smiles, Vanessa

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Iain Taylor

Great video post Marie,
& what a coincidence. I had just finished having that very same type of heated discussion with one of my team, when your post came in. I have been using the same technique with colleagues and clients for a long time.
However what was nice is that your video, and its timely arrival, helped me feel even more confident about following the process and helped me improve my technique for the next time.
Thanks again
Iain

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Valerie

A little something I picked up in the Love & Logic workshops is, “I love you too much to argue” or “let’s not argue”. This instantly breaks the tension. The program is geared toward raising children but it helps with other relationships too.

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Amit

Hey Valerie,

‘Luv ya tooooo much to’ statement is brilliant : ) Thanks for sharing.

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Gloria Owens

Oooh, Marie, This is a juicy topic and a hard one for many people, as it’s so easy to default to defensiveness. As a Yoga Instructor & Graphic Designer and Visionary Artist, I deal with a multitude of clients, students & staff (and the inevitable conflicts) I’d also like to offer these tips:

1) Stop, notice and breathe! If you can be aware of your heartbeat & emotions and take a breath before you respond… you have a choice in that moment to disarm the re-activeness and make a new choice. And if you have the luxury of taking an hour or a day to respond with more equanimity… do so. I find that often gives me more perspective and diffuses my initial reaction.
2) Go to the “WE” place. In other words find the common ground or common goal in a situation, even if you’re coming from different perspectives. “I can see that we both are wanting XYZ in this situation…”
3) Choose compassion over righteousness. Often conflicts are about someone not being heard/valued or someone needing to have power over someone. This is where you suggestions are perfect; to help the other feel seen and heard and also offer another perspective. All good stuff, Marie!
4) See the conflict as a chance to learn something about yourself. This is sometimes easier in retrospect… and I find if I can be aware of my patterns, similar situations, etc. then there’s always something I need to learn (and the other person the other person just happens to be my teacher). Again, it’s less about being right and more about being whole.

Would love to share more on this subject as I know one of my true gifts is creating Peace & Beauty in this world.

Blessings to all, ~ Gloria

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Hadda

I use this:
- yes, you are right,
- yes, I understand you

Immediately negative energy in the aircome down, tension body come down.

I open myself to receive the point of view of others without trying to argue or thinking in my head what I can say to make him shut down or win as the other speak.

It’s really magic when It really come from inside, you let the weapons on the floor. It really need to come from the heart and not with anger or hypocritical, it should not be faked.

I experience more than once a change in behave of my interlocutor, tension get down, compromise can be made.

Sometimes is good to ask the question do you want to be right or to be happy?

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Deirdre

I used to work for a very angry and volatile woman, and whenever she would start going off I would say, “I understand what you’re saying.” This immediately calmed her down. What I realized was that she was screaming because she felt that no one was listening. But by me telling her I understood her, she no longer felt the need to yell.

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Marie Forleo

Great story Deirdre, we all want to feel heard!

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Idun Slevikmoen

I agree to this way of handling the situation. Simply say; OK, I hear you and I understand you. Lets talk about the issue and find different perspectives so we can solve problems together and get the experience of doing good. Its not dangerous to disagree.
And remember – use the AND word.
:-)

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Nancy Vala

Good advice, as always, Marie. I love all your clothes but this dress is omg! beautiful and so are you! It’s just Summertime here! (Saint Paul, MN) And good advice to take rest whenever you can, let things simmer and bubble up for a day (as in the B-school launch video, thank you!) That’s what I’m doing today. Hope y’all will get a chance soon! Nancy Vala

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Ando Mierzwa

Great words, Marie! I also like to say:

“Good point.” That’s like saying “you’re right” about one piece of an issue, but allows me space to comment on the rest.

If that doesn’t work, I have another two words I love to use. But it wouldn’t be appropriate to type them here. ;)

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David

It’s not only what you say but how you say it. You’re right…said quick and snappy means to me you just want to end the conversation and don’t care about my point of view. You’re right with sincerity and maybe an explanation (especially after a heated debate) as to why you are saying it will be taken a whole different way.

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Cathleen Campbell Stone

Oh Marie…you got it! In our house “Peter Dinklage” does the trick! Thanks for being so adorable, so fun and so inspirational. :)

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Allison

OMG Marie!

Literally 5 minutes after I watched your video someone stepped in my office for some advice on how to resolve a conflict at work with their boss. I employed my new little Marie-ism a light bulb went off and she got it!

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Kris

Clown biscuit! Hahaha! I love that, Marie.

Seriously, I do love the idea that winning conflicts = actually resolving the issue at hand, rather than being “right”.

Beauty!

xo
K

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Alina

Clown biscuit, hilarious :)

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Lindsay McGuire

Made me laugh!

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Andrea

You’re right…I am definitely going to try this. ;)

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Cindy

I learned something along this line with my husband. I used to want to
win at any cost…of course that cost would be my husband’s dignity or feelings and he got used to losing when I went to ‘battle’. I eventually got some insight about what ‘winning’ was costing me and wised up. When we disagree I no longer feel the need to hammer my point home, I prefer diplomacy and whatever I can do to preserve my husband’s dignity. This also applies to whomever I may have a disagreement with of course. I take the time to get out of my head in a disagreement and really listen to what the other person has to say in order to be responsive rather than defensive. I think the two words ‘you’re right’ are so perfect in calming and defusing these types of situations and will add this to my other strategies! Thanks Marie!

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jpsp

I’m a big fan and regular viewer and I agree completely; you’re right about you’re right. Another perspective to consider is the word defuse where you placed the word diffuse.

From another Jersey-raised girl.
jp

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Nancy Vala

Yes, yes to all of it! Especially love the singing and the outtakes and Jersey girl. I always love your clothes, every single time they are beautiful and suit you so well but this time was omg! gorgeous. Summertime!

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Nancy Vala

Thought my comment was lost & commented again. Sorry! Have a fun day soon! Picnic in the back yard, Paris, whatever!

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Kathy Brewster

The point of saying “your right” or “I understand your… point of view, opinion, feelings…” is about letting the other person know that they are being heard. Most arguments are caused from the feeling that your message is not being truly heard. Acknowledge the other person’s thoughts and feelings before sharing your own thoughts and feelings this way they feel heard and you get the whole picture which allows you to formulate a calmer response. Remember, you can agree to disagree!

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Jennifer

Love this! Going about it this way follows along with the philosophy of “No one can ever be 100% wrong”, which is something I’ve been keeping in mind for the last year.

Generally, in my conflicts I’ve always used the whole “I understand…” and that normally diffuses any tension getting built up. I will have to try out saying “your right”… particularly with my boyfriend cause, of course, there’s always plenty of opportunities to use this technique then. :-)

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Roberta

You’re right – that’s 3 words, not 2, but I still loved the episode and agree TOTALLY :)

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Hussam

Didn’t work with my wife :) seriously it doesn’t always work especially with people who use this same technique, or when other party is inaccessible or his her views are implicit. Listening can sometimes work without necessarily stating who’s right or wrong. It very much depends on who are you arguing with, thinking & deciding what works best with him, to win him or to win the argument! Thanks for an interesting topic anyway, keep the charm you’re being wonderful and inspirational, thanks & kisses

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molly hahn

Great vid Marie! How funny, Ethan and I were just on a vacation for the first time in forever and ran into a hot moment on the way home from Yosemite.

We practically have a script at this point that we both automatically jump into when things get tense and defensive on both sides. What came up? An issue that was closely related to a super core issue.

You know, the real shiz you dig through in couples therapy.

Rather than engage the script, I said “I can’t do this right now, let’s take a pause” and shut my big trap {I’m not from Jersey, but was raised by a New Yorker}.

As I stared out the window, I began to notice the beautiful Joshua Trees whizzing by. I also noticed how freaking angry I felt. “That’s okay” I told myself, “Anger is okay. It’s fire. Keep breathing into this.”

What’s cool about embracing anger is that typically what’s underneath it is a tender and fearful heart. As I began to bring some love to that space, a shift happened.

I think my boyfriend could feel it, because after about 7 looooonnnnnnnnng uncomfortable moments of silence, he softened up and apologized for being defensive.

Rather than reply with any sort of vindictive or restimulating energy, I pretended that I was teaching my yoga class. One soft and authentic word at a time I explained how I was feeling while trying to soften into his experience.

I also proposed that it would be healthy for us to begin to start labeling our issues that come up. Like, is this a core issue? If so, let’s not rekindle the crazy, instead lets try to bring some compassion and space to it. He said that that meant a lot to him to hear. When he said that I could feel that we were back on the same page.

The end result?!? Rather than another dumb argument that lasts an hour, which totally a waste of energy, we ended up laughing about our silliness of reciting our scripts.

There are a couple more tools that I have up my belt that are far more comical and have worked for me too. So real quick:

1) Drink a glass of water and gurgle into the glass “I need to do this before I say any more stupid shit.”

2) Ethan and I have a game we play called “Couples Challenge” where we turn a potentially triggering challenge/issue into a gameshow. We’ve even verbally scripted out a couple videos for this! Even though we probably don’t have the time to actually produce them, it gets us engaged with our imaginations and creativity.

It’s hard to be empathetic and compassionate when we’re fired up. A gentle pause and practicing noticing what’s going on inside helps shed some of the crap that keeps our hearts closed. I grew up in a really violent and abusive house, so working on my “shit” in my relationship has and continues to be where my real healing happens. And our loved ones typically become the mirrors for what needs the most healing.

Thanks for the opportunity to share Marie! Love ya bunches!

xoxoxo molly

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Kamila Gornia

These tips are great and thank you for sharing the story!!

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molly hahn

awww thx Kamila! Glad it could provide some assistance :)

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Amy

***clown biscuit***
I’m laughing so hard at that new (to-me) term that I’m not sure I can get thru the video…

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jpsp

Yeah, I loved that one too :-)

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Christina

I think this is true when dealing with someone you know like and trust, but with whom you disagree. It’s terrible advice when dealing with bullies or people who are just making stuff up. If someone is calling you names or blaming you for larger problems saying “you are right” is not a good idea. I find going straight to asking questions to be much more helpful in defusing those situations. If the bully says “nobody likes you” or “you are ugly” then you can ask questions to defuse the situation. I find saying, “really, nobody…like who?” or “what exactly do you think is my worst feature” disarms bullies. Even when the argument is politics, asking questions without engaging brings the temperature down.

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Linda

I am going to try it on my teenage daughter. I needed to add to my bag of tricks. Thanks!

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Marina

omg YOUR RIGHT Marie!

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Kamila Gornia

Oh yes. Thai is great, Marie. we all know how amazing it feels to be right. Using these two simple words is sure to make the whole thing more neutral. But since we LOVE when others say that to us, it may be difficult for us to sometimes say it to them because in a way it may be seen (or feels like) defeat. Especially when it’s an intense argument. But yes, I love this and I hope more people start using this tip too. I never have trouble admitting people are right, if they’re right (my dad needs to learn this haha) but when I don’t think so, it’s not AS common but it happens. At least In professional relationships it does. But not so much personal. I’ll be sure to do this even more in personal relationships. Thanks Marie!

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Debbi Sanzo-Davis

I have used the two words “you’re right” for years. Working in passenger services for the airline industry these two words saved me many times from confrontation. It also helped my customer cope with the bad situations that inevitably arise at airports….

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Karen

I use three words… “You’re Probably right” and leave it at that. Especially when I’m angry or upset and reason has flown out the window. Otherwise I tend to dig myself a deeper hole haha.

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nakeia

You’re right Marie (and I really mean that.)

After almost 13 years of marriage I have have finally figured out how to disagree or get my point across without totally pissing my husband off- and ultimately causing a riff in our marriage.

Honestly, even though I have figured this out, I have NOT mastered it. I have a “slick tongue.” And, when I think I’m right about something, I use that slick tongue recklessly at times. But, I have been practicing.

When in a heated discussion, I say one of two things:

1.”I understand how you may feel _________. That was not my intention.”

2. “Can you appreciate that I feel __________. I know that was not you’re intention.”

It definitely helps.

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My Gentle Look

Dear Marie, Dear All,

I discovered the “you are right” rule few years ago and I must admit it changed a lot my business and personal life. I live in Poland where such a statement is very rare to hear. We are very much confrontational here and when I say now “you are right” it is so unusual that people usually just get so confused… It is even hilarious sometimes;) I can’t tell you how many deals I won thanks to these two simple words:)

Thanks as always for a great video – I am learning from each of them!

Best,

Jo.

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Mukhya Khalsa

This is one that I learned from a 7 year old when there is conflict or unintended harm: Are you OK?

I use it when someone is already angry for something that is not under my control. (Or maybe just something that I don’t feel like I will change.) It gives them a moment to reflect on themselves and start over again.

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Kelsey

I love this! So much humor and truth. I try to remember that “the opposite of what I believe is also true”. Thank you!

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Melody

Those two words are essential to learn to say diplomatically when you have a customer service job. If the customer is reasonable, you can work out a win win solution. If they aren’t, then chances are they got what they came for when you told them they were right. Now you can get on with the rest of your day! :)

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GL

Right on the mark Marie.
To consider the other person’s position to defuse any potential friction
or an argument. Allowing another’s point of view and addressing yours
as well without any trouble. Interesting and it does work.
But I’m not always alert to things and stressed and just want to argue sometimes. Especially when I know I’m right… Ha Ha. The Boss thing steps in the way. But I know better. And this is a good reminder for me. Thanks Marie.
Always good to drop and share with all these great people commenting here on Marie TV.
GL

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Mikey

Lemme tell ya something Marie! You’re right.

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Glenda

To stop an argument in its tracks, I love saying “From your perspective, I’d agree with you.” The other person usually has to take a breath and think about what I have just said and it provides an opening to diffuse the combative energy and come to the resolution that we can both have different perspectives and it is OK. Neither of us has to be right or wrong. We are just voicing what is true of each of us.

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Kristine

I agree completely with “you’re right”! I have learned this a long time ago from dealing with an overbearing husband and I believe that it has helped me at work many times. However, I have recently been challenged by another similar situation. The person I am having a conflict with is refusing to talk to me – except to put a few digs in now and then or report my incompetence to my boss. I have been treating her as kindly and normally as I can. I have told her that she is right. No response or a very curt “I will leave you alone to do your work”. The reason for the conflict? Because my manager decided to distribute the workload differently, giving me one of her previous responsibilities. I feel as if I cannot change this. I have requested a meeting with all of us but there was no response to that either. How would you handle this situation? Being at work for most of my day, I refuse to accept an angry uncooperative atmosphere and I believe that one or the other of us will go our separate ways soon enough. But I was wondering if there is another way for this conflict to end?

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PollyAnna

I use these words all the time! I love it! It is so important for people to know they are being heard, not just combatted. If you can calm yourself down and take a step back, it’s really hard to keep the argumentative momentum going. When you open up, it’s easier for the other party to take a step back and see things from your perspective too. It’s not about attacking to gain the seat of power, but rather communing and collaborating to thrive together. :)

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Terry

what if I say, let’s just agree to disagree? Ok, I’m admitting that we’re just not going to see eye to eye. I’m very much okay with that and just let it go. But, I always seem to come to this conclusion with my husband, and he will not accept it. He will absolutely NOT agree to disagree with anybody because he says that makes him wrong and he’s not going to be wrong. What do you think about that? I can’t always back down because Im just entitled to my opinion, and that can’t be wrong, but If I don’t agree that his way is right, then I’m wrong, no matter what. Is he a bully? Why does he have that need to be right? What can I do to convince him that sometimes we have to disagree and be okay with it?

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Hadas

Here is an alternative way.
(English is not my native language so I hope this will be understood.)

Understanding that most people are mostly wrong most of the time :) due to wrong assumptions, there is a way to help them realize that without confronting them.

This is done by setting aside your attitude and joining the other side (metaphorically) in an exploration for understanding whether he/she is indeed right or only believe in something which might not be based on anything solid. The technique is based on asking questions rather than suggesting opposing point of view.
If I wanted you Marie to understand that your suggestion here is not the best one. Instead of bringing arguments such as: “your suggestion leads to avoiding the conflict but not helping the other one to make a progress”, I would start asking questions.
The conversation could go something like this:
Marie: The best way to win a conflict is….
Hadas: Interesting. Are you sure this is the best way?
Marie: Yes
Hadas: Can there be another way which is as effective as what you are suggesting?
Marie: No
Hadas: OK. Can there be a way which is not as effective but might be interesting to have in mind?
Marie: Not that I can think of.
Hadas: Do you want us to think together and see what we come up with and explore what might be the cases we want to use it and what are the advantages of this technique?
Marie: We can give it a try.
Hadas: You know, from my experience when someone is wrong its not because they are not intelligent but because they base their logic on assumptions they did not verify are right.
Marie: No. Its always because they believe in something that is wrong and are too afraid to let this belief go.
Hadas: So afraid that they are unaware that this is not true but they only believe it is true.
Marie: Exactly.
Hadas: Great. So the problem is not with their logic. They can think. The beliefs and their fear to let go of those, well you call it beliefs, I call them assumptions, won’t let them think.
Marie: We have to make them stop believing in those stu..beep things.
Hadas: Without evoking their rejection.
Marie: Indeed.
Hadas: You know what I have learned the best way to do that?
Marie: I am eager to hear
Hadas: I have learned the best way to do that is by pointing them to think about their assumptions. What they believe is true but many times is not. And an effective way to do that is by asking them questions about it that makes them think.
Marie: Yes, but what questions?
Hadas: If you don’t find a particular question for each case you can always start with the two basic ones. Either ask: are you sure? and you can ask that as many times as you want. Are you sure? Yes. Are you sure that you are sure? …. The other question is known as the 5 whys. You ask 5 times why to get to the core of things. Like, I am right – why? Because they are wrong. Why are they wrong. Because they base their knowledge on wrong assumptions. Why? Because they believe it’s true. Why? because they never bother the check it. (That’s the root of the problem)
Marie: That’s awesome. You are awesome Hadas.
Hadas: Oh, Marie. You are telling this to everyone. I have seen your mails and videos.

What do you think of this way? Could you relate to it?

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Robert M. van Deusen

Instead of a “right/wrong” paradigm where in order for someone to be “right,” someone else has to be “wrong,” consider changing the paradigm to “it works/doesn’t work.” Now when you say “that doesn’t work for me,” it’s much easier for someone to ask what might work because no one was made to feel wrong or defensive.

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Mikey

Also, very good points and a good lesson on maturity and how To carry yourself professionaly and with class.

In all honesty, this is really uncomfortable for me to practice and act like a gentlemen by not resorting to what I really love to do in a good solid argument that’s going my way, when as usual I’m looking good in the discussion, tearing it up like a courtroom litigator on wheels, then finally ending my victory with a “BAAAAMMMMM!!!!!! How ya like me now biotch???” and a chicken dance might be in order too. But seriously, sooner or later you gotta grow up right? I’m committing to your videos finally and giving them a shot niw so thanks again Marie. You’re videos are funny too btw. Whole other topic.. Valuable stuff though :D

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Jeff

Ha! I loved it!!!!!! Thanks for sharing!!! :-)

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mellie

On perusing Marias’ impressive helpful list of comments, I cannot help commenting on this subject. Ultimately, to one

extent or another,”You’re right” is a soothing sound to anyone’s ears..It acknowledges to the other person you are really

listening, engaged, so hopefully both are leaning toward a resolution. “Let me think about it” “Saying I will get back

with you” when not in the heat of the moment can help diffuse. Knowing lots of people who rail on and on creates

pressure and confrontations to reach an immediate remedy as these type of people want always to be right. Mentally

exhausting eh? When one has grown up in an environment who rather avoid confrontation,(Love and Tolerance are key words).

These confrontational people who I like to phrase “Rageholics”,”addicted”, “thrive on it”, to love to vent as it seems to

get out their fustrations and relieved. It is the one on the recieving end of it to use coping skills. Flightvsfight

for those moments helps to refocus and come to rational decisions given time. Many lessons learned. “Hugs”

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Malia

Excellent tool when you must “pick and choose” your battles. aka: The pacifier. Very effective!

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vicki

I recently had an experience where someone turned MY aggro around. Someone parked in my car space – a common occurence and a source of MUCH frustration. I left an angry note on their car and parked mine as close as possible to theirs. When I returned to my car I could see they had left a note and I prepared myself to be abused back. The note was an apology and she left her number with an offer to pay for the parking. This totally took the wind out of my sails and made me feel terrible for reacting with anger and not considering her side (which was that she didn’t realise it was a paid for spot). I actually texted her back on her number and thanked her for offer and told her she was kind to apologise – then I apologised for over reacting. She messaged back thanking me and wishing me a nice week. She really made my stop and think about my actions. She also turned an angry negative into a lovely positive because I felt uplifted by the end of our correspondence. In this instance her “I’m Sorry” was a version of “You are right” and it immediately stopped any negative feelings escalating and completely turned them around

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Eve Soban

Marie,

You’re right! But you crack me up, chica :D That’s 3 words, LOL

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Marisa Moreira

You’re right, Marie! I’m willing to give it a try!
Thanks!

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Jeanne

Perfect timing…cuz I was about to lose my mine’, up in here, up in here.

Sometimes when you do everything above-board and as right as conceivable but still are under the attack it’s super-hard to consider another perspective.

This makes me so happy I didn’t reply to a nasty email today with snakiness…thinking I’d better take a step back.

“You’re right,” is the LAST thing she’ll expect to hear after her venom.

Sometimes losing is winning. :) Thanks, Marie!

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Danny

Ever since I’ve stumbled on Marie’s website, absolutely love the videos which have been produced thus far. Keep it awesome~!

Yesterday I was on the phone with a frustrated (dare I say angry) friend who was telling me her side of the story to a matter which needed my assistance and the 1 life lesson I took away in handling the situation was… I listened first, before acknowledging her side of the story.

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CJ Schepers

Gawd, I love ya, Marie! Wise, straight-up advice. And, I too, had a mad search for that purr-fect Chocolate Croissant — in Paris! I mean, how hard can it be, right? Turns out, not so easy! Me-OW. Should’ve checked in with homegirl Oprah ‘cuz I remember reading years back about her passion for Paris chocolate croissants! Oh well, next time… Pure Heart, CJ (P.S. Thank you for all that you do, angel warrior!)

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Tatiana Escalada

From someone who’s always right boy was this hard ;-)

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Rohan Sarker

Dear Marie,

Thank you for the Video Tutorial. Another situation to break a tense situation is by Team based Voting to select or reject views.

You are right diffuse tension and adds my perspective to the discussion.

I wish you all the best in your TV Shows for all the years to come. May Jesus bless us all.

Regards
Rohan Sarker

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Patty Ann

Your right Marie.
Flattery will get you ANYwhere. :)

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Katie

I’ve got to say, I instantly bristled when you told us the magic words. BUT, I know you Marie, and as you told us more I totally got what you were saying.

Diffusing the situation in itself is sometimes a hard thing to do, but this technique is darn right miraculous in its simplicity and effectiveness.

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Maudie

Hi, just taking a moment to say that I love your short videos. So fed up checking others where they spend ages going over an issue from every conceivable angle before coming to the point. They seem to think this will catch your attention but I am bored after just a few seconds and leave. Your videos are fun and to the point. Like a fresh breeze. Thanks :)

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Travis

“Clown Biscuit” That’s definitely my two word take away. ;)

Loved the vid and the awesome advice! Perspectives, FTW!

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Christina

uhm…”You’re right” is actually three words, but who’s counting right? Because, you’re right, it looks like two words ;-)
Thanks for another great video – I love your work.

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Deniz

A year ago after realizing that I was a ‘yesbut’ person, I have recovered from this attitude and started saying AND instead of BUT. That made a huge impact on my conversations as well. Basically I have started to go with the flow and move on with the conversations instead of interrupting them constantly. Indeed we need more connection so that would help us more to use connecting and flowing words, especially when we talk to ourselves actually that’s how I practice before I come on stage.

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Naware

I know this feeling all too well! Getting into verbal confrontations and feeling like you’re admitting you’re wrong (thanks for the tweetable btw!) can be a major blow to the Ego. But in that that’s where my own personal way to deal with conflict comes up.

Our Spirits are part of the Divine Essence and really only seek peace and harmony with all around us. The Ego however wants to label and separate us from this Divine Connection. So to help me cool down & stay in the moment, remembering our interconnectedness I saw the following mantra:

“It’s not about you, It’s not about me,
I release all anger & frustration.”

Simple, yet affective! I also highly recommend this to all my clients, especially those who may be more along the line of being hotheaded! We must all remember that the problems and issues we have have more to do with ourselves than anyone else!

Thank you Marie & Co! <3

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Jennifer

It’s not quite the same but along a similar vein… I live in Paris, France & customer service is almost nonexistent here. So whenever I have to ask for something my normal American “The customer is always right” motto wants to rear its ugly head. We all want to be assertive & not get walked on like a doormat. However I’ve learned not to charge in & be all demanding or accuse the other person of wrong-doing because the majority of times I’ve done that here it has backfired & the person gets all snooty & tells me whatever it is that I want is not possible & sends me away. But, and I learned this from a book, if I say, “I have a problem & maybe you can help me with it,” it puts them in a position of power. They can now “rescue” me from whatever the problem is. And I almost always get my way. And if my request is not in their power to handle then at least I get a smile instead of a sneer & a turned up nose.

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Maria Maragoudakis

Ahh, Jennifer I sooo agree. I live in Greece and there is a unique Greek word that describes exactly the “technique” you employ. The word is “Filotimo” and it is my secret weapon in dealing with my everyday life in Greece. Tell a Greek to do something and it will either never get done or will result in a conflict, but play off “their Filotimo”, their sense of honor, that “only they can help you” and they will drop everything to help you achieve your goal. This virtue has marked my life in so many ways that I named my online boutique Filotimo Gifts!

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Erika Madden

I love both of these stories!

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Catherine

Sometimes even the fact that two people can agree to disagree is a step forward before one can actually say: “You’re right…”

Thanks again for reminding us that saying “You’re right” is not a mortal sin and will not send us to hell but maybe actually create a bit of this heaven on earth we all seek.

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Steve Arnold

Marie, You’re Right!

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grahame

I think there is a small but important word missing and that is MAYBE as in maybe you’re right.
I think this way because if you say “you’re right”, it will invite the other person to come back with “now you are just agreeing with me to shut me up”
If you say “maybe you’re right” it is less confrontational. Then again MAYBE I am wrong lol

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Kathy

Marie,

You’re right! Who farted? is an excellent way to diffuse the tension during an ‘animated’ discussion, but in my family we use the term “Hoof Hearted.” It comes from the combination of an unfortunate choice of name for a horse with an infamous call made by the announcer during a race in the 70s. We immediately recall the event and the ensuing laughter makes any tension evaporate.

For your viewing pleasure: http://youtu.be/6NPKuyDWt4k

And, yes. We know we are…special.

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rj

When my daughter got married, I had some advice for my new son-in-law.

“In your marriage, you can be happy, or you can be right, but you can’t be both. Oh, and this only applies to you, not my daughter”.

Whenever I see them, I ask him if it’s true and he laughs and says “always”.
—————————————
A technique I use (especially in marriage communication) is three steps:
1. Take turns expressing your point.
2. After one person talks, before responding, you have to repeat back what you heard. It’s incredible that almost never do you get it right. Repeat this step until the person agrees they have been heard completely.
3. Ask for you true needs. Once I know exactly the other person’s issue I ask them what they truly want. Most times, it’s not what they said but something like what has been said over and over above. “just to know you listened”, “to be understood”.

Or, they might actually want me to do something and they ask for it. “Could you take out the trash cans each week?” Almost always it’s not some big thing. But if it is, we then work on it using the “negotiate and compromise” method.

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Linda

Don’t forget the correct tone of voice…. I use this technique all the time when my husband and I are bickering and I’m getting tired of it…
I say – rather snidely, I might add!!… “Yeah, you’re right!”. Then I stop bickering with him and he knows its my method of shutting him down!!
He knows darn well, I don’t mean he’s right at all – I’m just saying “OKAY! Whatever!!”

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Jacinta

I love using the line “I’m not angry at you, I’m just angry at the situation” to defuse an argument. This because 99% of the time it is true.

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Haller Nathalie

That’s a good one! Thanks for the input

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Oliver

In order to disagree…with u right now..I am not right or wrong..

I simply am motivated by different objectives.

Concerning the perspective presented today with how to deal with conflict, I think it’s best explained if prefaced with the phrase, “in a loving relationship”, followed by, ” to win an argument, simply start by saying you’re right and then explain why u feel differently.”

In any other relationship, it may not be advantageous to say, “you’re right unless u are under some form duress or the party involved is not sane or is willing to threaten u with bodily harm.”

In law, there is the interpretation of law to decide cases. The interpretation changes according to meet evolving trends of what are considered social norms.

When I have a conflict, usually I will state a case, and if the person is not able to calmly understand the perspective I present then I defer to hearing there opinion and accepting that my will remain misunderstood.”

If an opportunity comes to disprove the other’s person stance, I wait for it to make itself know through the course of natural events or they may prove their own theory wrong when putting it into practice. ”

That being said, when people are wrong, very often they will not admit being wrong. What they end up normally doing, is ceasing to argue to prove their case is right.

I wish things were different. Most often, human nature does not always operate at the highest ethical and moral standards.

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MARIE

You are so right Marie! Right Now these two words will pretty much be in my vocabulary on a daily (all day y’all) basis. I am at a crossroads in my business and personal life, all happening at once. Of course my decisions of both and rebranding, re grouping my business are not going to please many people. It has been making feel uptight and sometimes incensed with some of the comments, emails and observations I have been getting. I sense that people are feeling fear for themselves and the changes and from their point of view how they are going to be affected.
I am cleaning up my camp and sticking to my avatar now i have finally nailed it.
Of course everyone is RIGHT, and free to voice their opinion. Me? I am right too but we are all moving forward and the path is ready and so am I. I am really excited now that those simple words which I have used often now came from you in such a great episode. thank you. it’s all good from here on out…

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MARIE

forgot to say i love clown biscuit.! made me giggle. when i think about someone making me made, those words will come into my head and diffuse everything.

loved B school second time around even more!

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Anna

Hi marie. Thanks for the post. Interesting commentary for sure. I find sometimes saying “You’re right” is actually the wrong thing to say. It can create distrust or a sense of being dishonest, especially when facts, follow-up actions/behaviour contradict. I find “i see what you’re saying” to be more effective -mostly when prefaced by “let me see if I’m understanding you (insert the last thing they said -word for word). Most people don’t want to be right, they want their voice to be heard. Most people… Some people don’t realize what they have just said! Replaying it back to them usually gives them enough distance to start disarming them. (Working in Customer Service Complaints – you develop tools to deal with conflict.)

The ones who absolutely want to be right despite all evidence to the contrary, I usually (politely in a calm voice) tell them what I’m feeling/thinking, how I am able to deal w the situation, offer them different outcomes and let them decide which course to take. That always does the trick because I empower them to decide rather than make the decision and impose it. Follow-through is key-do what you say/say what you do. Being honest is also key. I never say something that isn’t true: especially when “you’re right” is one of them.

And you’re right (!!!) nobody wins in an argument. There is either peace or bitterness at the end of it.

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Ryan Biddulph

Let go :)

Thanks Marie!

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Ashley, the Italian Travel Expert

I have to be careful with clients because when there is conflict, I tend to get nervous and flustered and then end up promising the moon and stars. I have learned to listen and say nothing. I have gotten used to the uncomfortable (for me) pause and it gives me time to really formulate what I want to say in my head. It is something I have to practice and continually remind myself about but I find that it has helped me from saying things impulsively.

Welcome home Marie – thanks as always for the insights.

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Paula

Hello again Marie!

Although it never comes easy to me, I smile like the Dickens, whatever I say seems to come out soothing and real. I am not normally a cheerful person when I want to shove my point across but a happy face makes it all better.

Cheers!
Paula

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Elle

What are a few examples of how to use “you’re right” when the conflict involves false accusations you need to deny?

For example, once a boss falsely accused me of stealing. I think any statement involving “you’re right” at the start could have been dangerous. I said, “I want to work to find out what happened because I did not steal.” I’d love to know how to use “you’re right” in a similar situation b/c I think it’s great advice. – Thanks, Elle

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Haller Nathalie

First I try to “meet” them by letting them know I understand their position. Then I bring in the contra argument, highlighting it as an “evolvement” thought to their first argument. And finally I repeat my understanding of their position. …

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Haller Nathalie

But I wouldn’t say “Your right, BUT…”, oder “Your right..” “Another point of view would be….”. They are kind of disarming, but make it obvious the speaker is just up to get HIS point of view across. I personally don’t buy these sentences.

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Haller Nathalie

I also try to speak of me, my feelings ect. and avoid assumptions about the other person, their feelings ect. In discussions over text messages I edit my sentences regarding their subject trying to use “I”/ “one” and not “you”.

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Amit

Spot Willy, Nilly n Silly stuff to stay happy.

1. Come from a place of comprehension:

Say, “Ok. Make me understand your point of view (…without shouting / being rude / sarcastic.)”

It says you are open minded and surely not biased. If shouting continues… say, “Time Out. Let’s revisit this topic when we are calm ( / not rude / sarcastic.)” Super for debates on matters of society and (inter-)national importance as well as with office colleagues (matters of misunderstandings, got the wrong perspective.)

Spotting Willy prevents bull-dozing and shoving of things down someone’s throat.

2. For stuff you know for sure both are right (and consequences do not lead to harm eg. eye for an eye,) come from a place of equality:

Ask the person, ‘Ok. How can we have a Win-Win?’

3. For silly and familial stuff, come from a place of ‘ N o M i n d ‘ : )

We all have a mind of our own. For all the good things our mind gets us, sometimes it lands us in a rough spot. For such times, its blissful to say ‘no mind’ = Space, smile and lotsa hugs / respect : )

Lots of love n respect,

Amit.

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Renee @ Renew Your Space

You’re SO right Marie! I LOVE when my husband says those two words to me :)

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David

This works because when people are caught up in being right, what they are really needing is to be validated. As far as adding your perspective, it goes back to Steven Covey’s point of “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

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Tonette

My man and I usually take turns speaking our mind when we have disagreements. It has worked for 4 years now since we agreed that only one person will speak at a given instance and the other will listen with the full intention of really listening. I think it has saved our relationship from a lot of drama. :) I’d love to try the “you’re right” tactic, I think it’s a really smooth way to calm the air.

On a lighter note, my man also watches MarieTV. I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he realizes I’m using a Marie-ism on him. Hahaha!

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Claudia

Hey,
Awesome topic, and yeah we may as well get great at this.
I was recently in a fast escalating argument, in the heat of it I saw that we both were the same thing just different ways. When I acknowledged this (saying You’re Right is much more powerful) the other person got more upset. So I responded: I am detaching emotionally from this and letting the chips fall where they may. It did stop her from responding and there has not been a need to re-visit it :)
I like your way better, feeeeeeling Awesome about this Tip xxxxxx

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Sanchit Khera

This kinda reminds of this interesting old e-book from Stuart Schmidt. Its called language of persuasion. The most interesting thing I picked up from this is the fact that people use a HARD tactic when resistance is anticipated. Bosses anticipate anarchy, and order their subordinates to comply.

I’ve got it here, its really pretty interesting – http://www.fivemv.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/The_Language_of_Persuasion-libre.pdf

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jeanique

Thank you Marie,

That was awesome and true no one whats to hear that they are wrong, one of my technique if i am in front of somebody i really stay quite and allow them to state their facts and listen to them because sometime their words may hit something in me that gets my shaking inside so by being quiet and in the moment and listen, i get less tense and the right words automatically comes out of me with calm and to the point and it also helps them see my point.

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Wanda

Liked this episode very much it was very honoring of different view points to a given situation! :-) It doesn’t make the other person wrong or weak (which some could view it as) for saying “You’re right” to me it’s being detached from ego which takes time and maturation! The person is “right” to feel how they feel as long as it’s mindfully stated! I personally can always handle things easier or listen to someone easier if it’s coming from a mindful place vs. a hateful in your face kind, neck rolling, finger pointing ego centered place! The biggest thing I’ve learned over time is checking the “egos” at the per say the mental door (in my own personal/professional relationships) and listening with your heart vs. listening with your ego! Takes a hell of a lot practice but better resolutions, less time wasted on whose right and whose wrong and honoring of each person’s view points!

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Henry Africa

***** TO HUSBANDS ESPECIALLY ******
Marie Forleo is 100% correct….
You want to stay married forever then look at the following:

HERE ARE THE 2 ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY SITUATION YOU WILL FACE IN YOUR MARRIAGE… “You’re Right”

EXAMPLES:

You didn’t take out the trash…… Honey you’re right
You didn’t mow the lawn… Honey you’re right

You didn’t get me flowers on my last birthday… Honey you’re right
You forgot my birthday again… Honey you’re right

You forgot to pick me up after work today… Honey you’re right
You EFT’d the rent payment into the wrong account… Honey you’re right

Then I grabbed her and pinned her against the wall. I kissed her long and hard. When she came up for air I said… “THERE IS ONE THING YOU WRONG ABOUT”…
Totally confused she says…”And that is?”

” I WILL NEVER STOP LOVING YOU…” And I hope you never forget that…

LESSON: Be creative in the way you ‘RESPOND’ not ‘REACT’ to a situations. Every person in ‘your world’ is unique and wants to be appreciated…

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Sebastian Aiden Daniels

That is definitely true. You’re right completely disarms them because you are validating them. You acknowledge that their is a truth to their perception and as you said, it is then easier to make them look at it in another tone.

I like how you have ‘win’ in parantheses. I personally don’t like the word win and prefer the wording how to get someone to agree with you and you’re right your title also works and kicks butt. ; )

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Maree Randle Coaching and Consulting

You are so right Marie! This is a great video. I practice this myself. Great advice and topic as always.
M
x

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Piet Hein Bredero

You are a wacky chick Marie, I love how you do your video’s and get your points across. Very good point by the way…:-)

Greetings from Rotterdam,

The Netherlands

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Lynne Quintana

I love this advice. I always felt in my heart that saying “you’re right” will help me get through my husband easier. It came to a point when he was already expecting me to say it hehehe… so I change it up sometimes with “You have a point” or “I understand what you are saying” or saying “yeah, exactly!” hehehe.

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Shyralee

I love this question! One of the tools I use in my business is reading hands as it cuts through chase. There is a mark in hands for taking on the desires of others called “desire pollution”. The hands also expose your souls trajectory, as well as personality and gift markings.

I can see that lots of the people’s out there have had there desires polluted by this new American supersized dream. I however am someone who actually has a very large…super sized dream and that dream has a purpose (or a reason for existing).

My dreams are very big and very needed in my viewpoint. And even when I share one branch of my dream I get a talk that in not so many words is designed to help me to understand that my dreams are fantasy. I get shamed…as though I am wrong for whating what I want.

I feel this dream is right for me because its mine. But I am questioning all aspects lately. Is this dream really mine? Did this dream come from lack or out of the true abundance of my soul?

These questions feel “in-tune”. Keep them coming Marie and Co.

I wonder if you dreamed you would be where you are or if it just happened organically?

I feel like I have the end of the story and I keep talking about it mostly to make myself believe its possible. Maybe I get shot down by others because they don’t understand it and it is far fetched from what they can see right now?

Scary that I have to find the faith for my own dream.

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Tatjana

Thank you, I’ll try it out. In my experience, motivation behind the words is what counts the most. If you don’t mean it, it won’t fly.

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Leslie Johnston

Great Advice Marie! It is important to remember what we value most, “being right” or our relationships. Most of us don’t want to damage our relationships, so if we can let go of our pride & our ego, and not have to “be right”, we can stay in alignment with what’s truly most valuable to us – our relationships!

Opinions are opinions, and realizing we don’t have to agree with everyone on everything is liberating. We don’t need “approval” for our own opinions, and in a sense we are allowing others the same liberation as we allow them to “be right” for themselves.

I’m a single mother of 2 daughters (ages 3 & 7), and I have found that sometimes I offend them without intending to when I get caught up in the emotion of a situation…. what has worked for me in those cases is saying:

“I’m sorry. Will you please forgive me?”

They are so adorable as they pause for a moment, think about it, and then say “yes”! I love how children are so forgiving! Saying sorry and asking forgiveness also allows us to let go of justifying ourselves, keeping our pride and ego in check as well :)

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Llyane @FrenchOnSkype

Oh, yes!
These words are magical :)
And, indeed, you don’t need to be in an argument to use it.

Merci, Marie chérie ;)

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Adrienne

How about “hmmm, interesting”

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Jason Hull

I often tell my kids, “quit trying to be right”.

It costs nothing to be willing to be wrong… It is so easy. But holding onto the need to be right costs you a lot in terms of fighting and stress and missing out on fun. Let them be right, it costs very little, and saves you a lot.

Another tip I use to disarm situations is to use the words “let’s” and “we” to include them and let them know I am on their side… That I want to work out a solution with them. “I hear you…LET’S figure it out together”

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Roxy

I gotta say/write this totally doesn’t work for me. The words ‘you’re right’ has lost all value to me in the place where I live. I’ve had numerous calm and rational discussions about topics and I always hear the reply ‘yes, you’re right’ but it honestly doesn’t mean anything anymore because unfortunately there has been NO action behind it (usually it’s been in regards to something that has to be action-oriented).

Love Marietv but this episode doesn’t resonate deeply with me.

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erin eskridge

And if all else fails… “You know I love you. I’ve gotta go. Bye.” Always works. Of course, I have to be willing to leave the situation saying nothing else.

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sfsggs

Just put the words in the article. Who’s going to sit through a four minute video to hear two words?

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