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Relationship Issues- Are You and Your Partner Meant to Be?

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I’m excited to get right into today’s topic because it’s a big one.

Have you ever wondered whether or not you and your partner are truly meant to be? Even if you have the most loving and healthy relationship, this question is bound to cross your mind.

In today’s episode of MarieTV, you’ll hear from a reader who is struggling with not being on the same page as her partner in terms of their life goals and ambitions.

She wonders…

How do you know if you’re meant to be when your life and career ambitions are totally different?

What if you have dreams to launch a business and travel the world while your partner (who you love and respect) dreams of a different life, one that’s built around a set schedule and staying close to home?

Click play to discover four key questions to ask yourself that can help you uncover your deepest truth and know the best way to move ahead.

*Muy Importante: In short form video Q&A, I don’t have the benefit of two-way dialog to go deep. My answers are my most loving effort to provide insight and guidance based on the limited info that’s been provided, and to keep this video short and sweet. This is a big topic and there are many other important factors to consider as well.

That’s why we love to continue the discussion in the comments below!

If you’re in a great relationship right now, but you’re starting to feel the strain of too much work and not enough connectedness, make sure you start using the Hip-Hop Shabbat technique. It works like magic.

I know today’s topic is one that many of us can relate to and I’ll bet you have stories, experiences and insights to share. In the comments below, I want to hear from YOU.

Specifically, let me know:

1.  Do you and your partner have different life goals and ambitions? If so, how do you stay true to yourself while honoring and supporting each other’s differences?

2. Even if you’re not in a relationship right now, what’s the biggest insight you’re taking away from this discussion?

Of course, if you have other insights to share on relationship issues like conflicting life goals and ambitions, I’d love to hear that too.

As always, thank you so much for reading, watching and contributing!

P.S.  Big update on RHH Live: we’re now 70% sold out so if you’re planning on joining us in October, grab your seat now.

Love,

Marie Forleo

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Read the comments or Add yours

Suzie

Ohhhh….been down this path and the ex who wanted to do his thing and only his thing… I thought it was my thing too. After many years of trying to be happy I realised I was making him happy and not me. Fast forward 17 yrs found the the right man, our relationship is amazing and makes both of us happy and fulfilled.
Marie your question “Why are you staying in the relationship?” is fantastic because deep down I believed I needed to stay in my previous situation because of finances, kids and commitment. I was wrong, my life now is fantastic and I have a man who supports me and my kids through everything and I am behind him 100%.

Anonymus – Look at what you want and go with your gut! Travel, have fun and be happy in what ever you decided!

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Tara

Thank you Suzie! You’re words are EXACTLY what I need right now!

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Suzie

You are so welcome Tara, good luck and go with your gut

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Rosa

Thank you for what you wrote it has given hope. I know that all I have to do is be patien and do not settle. We all know deep down what is not right and doesn’t make us happy.

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Laura Hames Franklin

Brilliant & great questions!

I am blessed to have a husband who has goals and ambitions that totally match up with mine to the very core… but even so, we are so different and our truths and paths remain so individual.

One of the most important things as I’ve living me more brightly and nurturing our relationship really trusting that clarity with myself is #1 imporantae. If I am slightly shaky in my vision he will beautifully mirror this back to me like whoooopaaahhhh.

I know that for me the one question that I asked myself before stepping into this relationship is: Are our core Universal-Spiritual-Life values matched & are we both willing to go within ourselves to discover every key to the success of our relationship.

That was a clear yes… and so was the rest :)

When you can share with someone who really gets it… there is nothing so deeply unifying.

I hope that helps & thanks Marie for really shining your light so clearly.

xo Laura

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Alexandra Mates

Laura, I completely agree – clarity with ourselves is incredibly important in a relationship – with what we exactly feel in stressing moments or with what exactly our life vision is, to know how to proceed.
Also, I find it very useful to read on such topics on the internet to gain this clarity. It’s also so reassuring that one may find out here some good quality, critical inshight answers such as Marie’s!

Sincerely, Alex

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Aziza

Oh Marie! Why weren’t you around when I was trying to decide whether or not to break up with my boyfriend several years ago?!

Seriously though, I loved the tip about imagining yourselves together at age 90 and seeing how your life fits together in the future. Lots to consider here… especially for us single girls who are still looking for our partners. Another great episode Marie!

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Tracy Hall

What a terrific topic, and as usual, fantastic answers Marie! This is such an important decision and one that is so easily swept aside to be decided upon in the future, like so many other important but tough choices in our lives.

This one is getting bookmarked :)

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Amber Goodenough

Wow this IS a juicy topic. I feel like I could write a book on this topic. My husband and I have been married and business partners for 12 years.
We are very aligned, but sometimes one of us has to sacrifice so that the other can live their truth. Being with someone who has the same wants and needs is pretty important and makes life and love amazing.

The way I see it, you have 3 options.
1. You go travel alone and he stays home waiting for you
2. You stay home and don’t get to travel and experience life
3. You evaluate what issues are deal-breakers and make a hard choice

If he doesn’t want to travel and see the world with you, forcing him is probably not a good option. But neither is staying put just to make him happy. Trust me.
Good luck with this decision. It’s a tough one. Great video Marie!!

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Laurel Anderson

My husband did not like to socialize, go to parties and we often traveled separately. We waited 10 years to have children in our thirties while we built our little empire. In the meantime I created wonderful relationships with women who I now travel with. I am in a new relationship and he doesn’t have friends to travel with, only me. And as much I love to have experiences with him I also want the freedom to travel with my girlfriends. I think you can have the exact relationship you want, the important thing is to be clear on what you want. If you don’t mind traveling with other friends or alone it’s ok of your partner want to stay at home.As long as you don’t have resentments, because we are all responsible for our own lives and no one can keep you from your dream, except for yourself.

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Cecilia

Ooh, this is a tough one. I can totally relate to this reader’s question, and have bumped up against this wall many times in my own relationship. I wish I could say that I’ve come up with a satisfactory answer or solution to this dilemma, but I’m not quite there yet.

I am reluctant relationshipper (word?) and it took me awhile to really allow myself to be in this relationship. The moment I felt really secure, loved and loving, was the same moment where I felt like I could stretch and explore beyond the boundaries of my partner’s comfort zone.

I can’t say it’s been easy. There has been a lot of negotiating, tears and frustration. But there have also been some beautiful experiences of growth and love, both personally and for us as a couple. PLUS, I’ve been doing way more of what I really want to do in my life, including spending three months last summer at a meditation centre.

I had been saying no to myself before asking for what I wanted which was making me feel resentful and not really helping either of us. Now I ask for more of what I want, and although it’s often not what he wants, it’s becoming easier and easier for him to accept our differences.

Thanks for the questions, I’m going to keep those in my back pocket for when I need them.

ox
Cecilia

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Tara

Cecilia I’m glad you wrote this. Your last paragraph is exactly where I’m at right now and it’s comforting to know it’s not just me (although of course I know it can’t be!), and that it gets easier! I look forward to that part! Honouring myself is a new one for me and is certainly challenging after a lifetime spent NOT doing it. Thanks for reassuring me this morning. :) xx

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Nige

Hey Tara,
I fully support you in honouring yourself. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You are well on your way to becoming a butterfly. I wrote a post recently that you may find helpful.

http://nige-atkinson.co.uk/running-for-my-life/

Onwards

Nige:-)

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Nige

Hey Tara,
I fully support you in honouring yourself. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You are well on your way to becoming a butterfly. I wrote a post recently that you may find helpful.

http://nige-atkinson.co.uk/running-for-my-life/

Onwards

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Tara

Thanks Nige. I just remembered this morning about the need to keep walking, and I enjoyed your post; it’s so easy to forget sometimes that you CAN just choose. Onwards indeed! :)

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Cecilia

Tara, I know it’s hard. I’ve done SO much work on asking for what I want, not only that, but figuring out what I want in the first place.

Knowing what you want is half the battle. Asking the question, “What do I really want?” and listening for the answer. If that’s too hard, start with “I want to know what I want”. I spent so much time in “Why don’t I know what I want?!” and it kept me stuck for years.

Asking for what you want is a risk, but every time you ask, you’re saying yes to yourself. Start with the little things, where you want to eat dinner, what movie you want to see and then move toward the scarier asks. You might be surprised at the response.

It does get easier! In the beginning, just choosing a place to eat was a big drama for me. It was so much work to just figure out what I wanted for dinner and then ask for it. To hear “no, I don’t feel like sushi tonight”, was devastating. That’s when I had to embrace the idea that there is power in just asking, first yourself and then out loud.

Good luck Tara! Following this path is soooo worth it. Scary, but worth it.

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Tara

I know exactly what you mean Cecilia, about knowing what you want in the first place! If you’ve never actually sat down and asked yourself, it can be so scary to even contemplate it, never mind then asking someone else!

I am finding that because I am literally learning a ‘new language’, I quite often use words or a tone or energy that sound defensive or stubborn when I don’t mean to, because I’m scared, which provokes a very negative reaction. Initially my big fear was ‘if I ask for what I want he’ll leave me’, but gradually speaking my truth is becoming more important than that (thank goodness! Wasn’t very proud of that one!).

I still literally get nervous stomach ache when I know I need to speak up, but you can only learn by the doing I think. It does help to have someone there who not only knows that you’re learning something new (and can therefore be compassionate when you are clumsy with your new language), but who wants you to grow and learn as much as you do, and wants you to live your truth.

Sometimes he shows this, sometimes he goes straight into his stuff and there’s a row. But we keep walking forward (so far, despite plenty of insinuations to the contrary!), and it’s so comforting to know that there are others who can relate to this new way of being.

PS. I’m really enjoying your blog! I’m adding it to my reader. :) xx

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Cecilia

Tara,
I love the ‘new language’ analogy, it’s so true. It’s also true that the more you can practice asking, the less charged it will be when it comes out.

I can totally relate to the nervous stomach ache. I add a lot of sighing in there too when I really need to say something. ;)

I think it’s beautiful that your partner knows that you’re learning a new language and is attempting to stay open. Of course he’s going to have his reactions (you wouldn’t want to be with a robot), but it sounds like you’ve agreed to an experiment, one where you’re both allowed to make mistakes and then try again.

p.s. Thank you for adding me, you have a very sweet little blog too. I love the story about selling your place and finding the perfect place to move you forward. Exciting!!

Yary

Thanks for this Cecila… I think you’ve said it all in the word “negotiation”. I think there will never be a perfect match with one perfect.. its about negotiating, learning, and growing.

May I ask how long you have been with your boo? lol

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Cecilia

Hey Yary,
Yes it’s all about the negotiating. Going away for 3 months took a lot of negotiation, but at the end of it I had gone through a big transformation and I could see that he had too.

I think the key that I sometimes forget is that is that it has to be a conversation, not something to “win”. Ha!

It feels like it’s getting a little lopsided, because I’m getting so good at asking and he’s not totally there yet. I worry that just as not asking was leading to resentment on my side, that it’s going to do the same to him. I keep asking him to think about what he wants and let him know that I’m here to help support him in his dreams too.

I’ve been with my guy for 6 years now. :)

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Natalie Sisson

I’m coming at this important topic from a single stance. A big focus on my business and lifestyle is to create freedom and adventure.

As a full time traveller who’s never in one place for long I get to meet amazing people along the way and have fun with the special ones from time to time. That said I know it’s personally difficult to try and be in a relationship at the place I’m in right now and I don’t actually want to be in one as I’m loving my life my way right now.

However those people I do meet on my travels that can relate are the ones I’d see myself being in a partnership with long term. It’s sooo important to pick someone who encourages and supports you and challenges you. Who believes in what you do, and the choices you’re making and is there on the journey with you – just as you are for them.

I’d never stick with someone who downplayed what I did, asked me to stop being who I am or doing what I do, or tried to make me settle for less.

I hope that I’d never do that to someone either!

Natalie

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Suzie

Touche’ Natalie well said!

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Cindy

Natalie, I dream of doing what you are doing!! Travel, explore, being with special people, etc. :)

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Dayse Oliveira

Wise words, woman! Bottom line that´s how it´s done.

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Maria Ross

Great outlook Natalie! There’s also the inbetween phase that no one talks about: someone who doesn’t bash or belittle your dreams, but doesn’t get excited about them either.

I was engaged to a boyfriend of 9 years who was wonderful. We just had different energy levels and emotional needs so it was always challenging. Our long-distance hid problems for a long time. When we broke off our engagement, after the initial grief and fear, in the end it was a huge relief. I loved Marie’s “guilt free gut check.”

In the end, I found someone who more closely matches my energy level and who nurtures my emotional needs – and I married him!

Deep down with my first fiance, I always knew something “didn’t feel right” but I squelched that because I had invested so many years into the relationship. Here’s some advice for any woman: don’t let the amount of time you’ve been with someone dictate if they are good for you or not. Act now. If you don’t, in 10 years, you’ll say, “Geez, why didn’t I break up with him sooner?!” It’s never too late!

You can’t be afraid you’ll never find that “right person” or that “no one else will ever love you.” Staying with someone who’s not right for you is not the solution to that and yes, it’s better to be alone in your truth and not settle than simple be with someone out of fear. You have to be better to yourself than that!

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Erika

I agree, Maria!! When there’s nothing really “wrong” with the relationship, it’s hard to make those tough decisions about whether or not you’re right for eachother. There were several times I wanted to break up with my exfiance but I always thought that the time I had invested was worth saving. I ignored my gut and kept trucking through the hard times even though I felt like he wasn’t even meeting me halfway anymore. Luckily he found someone he was more closely aligned with and left me….and I never felt better!!! It was shocking but I really wish it had happened so much sooner. Being alone can be hard but once you start living the life you want, guilt free….well….there’s nothing better!!!

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juls

I’ve been married for 22yrs and I will always love him but I’m no longer in love. We have totally different dreams and ideas. I put one of my biggest dreams on hold and boxed up for 20 of those years to raise our three kids. I’m extremely talented in that dream and want it to be a career and quit college to be with him and get married all those years ago on the promise that I could go back once we paid off his schooling. That never happened and now that two of our kids are grown and the third almost grown, I’m expected to continue running our family business that keeps us confined at home that I don’t want to be involved with anymore and just keep my dream a simple hobby. it’s driving me crazy!!
He quit his job last year that made a lot of money to be home with our family and run our business full time. He wants to run it together, I don’t want it anymore and he wants to be by my side 24/7 and I want to go do things and visit friends and family and pursue my dream. He’s driving me crazy!!! The only thing we have in common anymore is that we’d both like to travel which seldom happens (he’s mainly a homebody and I’m not) and I appreciate that he’s always there for me and I try to be for him. He only in the last two years started spending time and paying attention to me where he didn’t much before when I had to beg for it. This was only just before I packed my things and suddenly left when everyone was gone and went into hiding for two weeks with intent to file a divorce. He convinced me to come back home and try again when I finally let him know where I was.
I’m still frustrated and know this isn’t what I want in life but counseling and marriage conferences haven’t even helped and he’s turned my kids against me.
I have a gypsy wandering spirit and love adventure, he’s boring and likes to stay home for the most part. On vacation, he likes to sit around and rest while I want to go do, see, explore and photograph everything which drives him nuts because I’m not paying attention to him.
I am afraid of not being able to survive on my own because I have bipolar and have difficulty finding and holding jobs on my own, I’m also afraid of what life would be like without him.
Any ideas?? Please.

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juls

I think the biggest thing that keeps me here still is (well two things) I’m a Christian and believe marriage is for life, the other thing is I know I’m always taken care of.

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Irene

Love the no guilt gut check. This is applicable in many more situations than just love relationships!

Loving the comments here as well. Thanks everyone for sharing your wisdom and experiences!
xo
Irene

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Rachael

WOW! What perfect timing for this. I’m having the exact same dilemma. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years (2 years today actually eek) and we are SUCH different people and want such different things that I’m just not happy. I kind of go along with things a bit because I’ve just gotten too deep with it – does that make sense?

I love to travel, I like time on my own, I love the beach – he’s the total opposite – hates seeing the world (we actually had a huge row about it on the weekend), wants to settle down with a house, kids, marriage – I so don’t. But I just feel really bad finishing things. I think that because I get on so well with his family etc and there are certain things which we really gel on I just can’t do it.

SO anyway, now I’ve told you my life story, I’ll be taking your words on board!

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Lauren

Rachel,

I’m going through the same thing. My boyfriend and I decided to break up. It’s scary, but you just have to trust that living the life you want is better than living the life someone wants for you.

I hope this turns out in the happiest way!
Cheers,
Lauren

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Victoria

Marie, I was so distracted by your hair that I almost stopped focusing on the video.
I think the gut check is essential- your gut/instinct knows more about you than you even realise. I’m a big believer in partnering/marrying someone who is in-sync with you. Whilst your passions can be different, your life & career goals need to be aligned in order for you to both be happy. That doesn’t mean he has to have the exact same business/interests that I do (that would be slightly creepy in fact) but that our values about life, morals, ethics, drive etc, need to be aligned.

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Cecilia

That’s funny Victoria, I was distracted by the hair too! ;)

I love Dan Savage’s concept of the price of admission in relationships. Not any two people want the exact same things and there are going to be habits that your partner has that drive you crazy. You just need to decide how much you’re willing to pay for the price of admission.

Here’s a little video of him talking about it. I love this, so helpful! http://youtu.be/r1tCAXVsClw

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Lara Dalch

LOVE the Dan Savage video! Thanks for posting, Cecilia.

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Katie Peck

Really good topic. I started my own business in 2007 and left my marriage – it was really hard but now 5 years later, I’m really proud of myself. In the past I was too scared to live my truth!

Thank you for keeping it real. Your hair looks amazing Marie!!

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Amy Grams

Katie, thanks for sharing. I’ve just left my marriage and am starting my business. SCARY!!! Glad to hear that it worked out for you – it helps me feel a bit better.

And Marie, loved the suggestion to imagine you could leave without any hurt or negativity and then what would you do? I struggled with this for years. I knew I wanted to leave, but didn’t want to hurt my son. Unfortunately, you can’t avoid the hurt but you can approach a divorce with compassion. My ex and I are still friends and my son is adapting well. The best I could have hoped for.

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Johanna

Morning!

This is a juicy, juicy topic. And Marie, you always seem to know just what is going on in my life.

This is something that I’m in the midst of dealing with right now. I met the most amazing man – 3.5 months after we met, we took off on a trip around the world together for a year and then moved to Barcelona for a year.

Everything seemed to be perfectly synched and peachy. We talk a ton about our dreams and visions and life together and it all jives up. Fast forward to now (3+ years after we first met) and it’s been challenging. We are still on the same page about how we want to live our life and the lifestyle we want, but he hasn’t done much (anything) about it. His words and actions aren’t jiving at all. It’s as if I am dealing with two different people making things incredibly fustrating for me.

I love him dearly and believe in the possibility of things – especially knowing how connected we have been in the past. We’ve had some tough tough conversations lately (which I am never good at, but I have been quite proud of myself for having.) I finally realized that I need to stop worrying about saying things that will hurt him/make him upset when his actions have been doing that to me for awhile now. Ultimately, I have to look out for myself and can’t hold onto to what he says all the time.

I’m cautiously optimistic about things and realize the ups and downs are part of a relationship. Only time will tell. I know that ultimately I do want to be with this man and in this relationship but only IF things get back on track.

So we shall see. But I know that I couldn’t walk away without having the convos that we have had as of late.

Keep the great videos coming.
xo Johanna

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Nige

Hi Johanna,

My intention here is to be helpful.
I just want to acknowledge you for taking a step and having that tough conversation with your partner. Bravo girl! I also hear that you love this man and want to be with him – its just that things are a bit messy at the moment. You are not alone;every relationship on the planet goes through this honeymoon period which usually lasts anywhere between 6 months and 3 years – and then the real work of healing our wounds begins. In other words you and your partner are a perfect fit. Ouch!
The only question that you need ask yourself is are you willing to use the relationship to heal YOUR wounds? In my experience, when we are willing to take responsibility for our part – in other words our 50% of the relationship – no more, no less, only then can we truly be in relationship. You are not responsible in any way shape or form Johanna for how your partner reacts. He is entitled to his pain. Just keep stepping towards him with an open heart and speaking your truth, and invite him to do the same. Only then will you discover if you are meant to walk this path together, or go your separate ways. I wonder what you will choose?

I believe in you.

Nige:-)

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Hayley

Nige, well said. Speaking openly and with truth, and allowing your partner to do the same. No responsibility for how he reacts. Love it. Thankyou =)

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Mira

Oh Johanna,
It sounds like you’re describing my life and the man who is in it!
I totally believe in every person’s potential, which I think is what makes me a good yoga teacher, but what cripples me in relationships. I believe so much in what I see as possible that I don’t see what IS. I am a person who says what she means and means what she says. If I say I’m going to do something, I do it. I’m realizing now that not everybody is like that. My man is one of them….

Of course your relationship has to run its own course. But, if from my own experience–now married for 10 years–nothing has changed and. I still hold on to my vision and support it with action and he has yet to take any action…

All the best to you
<3 Mira

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Tara

just what I needed to hear RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! thank you everyone! <3

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Sally | Artbase Graphics

Another Good one Marie, Ta

When it comes to identifying Mr Right for both me and my business, I use a couple of tried and true methods.

No 1. There is a saying about three kinds of people. The ones who ‘make’ the waves. The ones who ‘ride’ the waves. And the ones who sit on the beach complaining about the temperature.

I am a wave maker/wave rider, so if a man is too timid to jump in the water just for fun, I doubt that I could rely on him to be the man, in a storm. Better let that fish go!

No 2. Opposites attract, but, it is similarities that keep a couple together in the long term.

If a man is way too different at the start, better to recognise the signs of imminent disaster let him go asap. Better let that fish go too!

And incompatibility is not just restricted to spouses etc. If a business partner, employee or even contractor is not on the same page, so much time is wasted trying to explain the dream/reality. A kindred spirits just get it.

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bittersweet 16

I loved your “3 kinds of people”!
I feel like I make the waves and he just sits on the beach complaining it’s too hot! Literally!
Awesome perspective – Thank you ;)

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rebecca campbell

Hey Marie, that dress is freaking awesome. Where’s it from?

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Sonya

I love it too. I want one!

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Elsa

Hey Rebecca!

Marie’s dress is from Zara :)

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Hayley

Elsa, YOU ARE AMAZING!!!!!! Thankyou for being you, I love your blog, and what you do with Marie! x x Love all the way from Australia! When I do come to NYC one day, I am going to hunt you down so you can take me shopping!! =)

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Leah

Hey Marie & Anon,

I learned pretty early on that there can’t be two of me in a relationship. I love to travel, bounce around locations, change jobs, start businesses (yes, multiple!), and all that world-changing jazz. I thought it would be my dream to have my fiance want the same. But after a while, I realized that my fiance’s groundedness and consistency in my life is such a great yin to my yang.

And we’re really better together. Because I can get him to go out on an adventurous limb sometimes, and he reminds me that the day-to-day moments can often be way more satisfying than big vacations and trying to change the world.

Just food for thought!

xoxo,

Leah

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Vanessa

I agree with you Leah, I always thought I needed someone with the same ambition and imagination as I have. But in a relationship you need to have some things in common and others that compliment.

My gorgeous man is happiest to make the most of every day and share it with me and the kids. I want to run my own successful business, contribute to the community and create financial security and freedom for us. Time will tell how much these differences will affect our path in the future, but while I’m working for tomorrow, he makes sure I live fully every day.

Maria, great to hear you are a fellow step mum, my parter has three gorgeous kids and I adore them… just need to decide if I want to have any myself!

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Rachel Anzalone | Holistic Entrepreneur

Great topic Marie ~ I absolutely love the “no guilt gut check”!

Navigating a relationship while you’re making big life changes can be a challenge for sure. And I think we can get “the grass is greener” syndrome from time to time, which only adds to the challenge.

Single friends say to me, “If I was married and had someone supporting me then I could start my own business too.” At the same time I catch myself thinking, “If I was single I could travel more, invest more in my business… if, if, if…” Sometimes you just need to look at what you have and appreciate it for what it is, even if it isn’t perfect.

And I love hearing your mission to find a man who didn’t want more kids. I too was thrilled to find a guy who had kids (that I love) and no desire to have more. I still get asked (all the time & by random people!), “don’t you want kids?” Nope. Thanks for asking. Have a nice day. I’m thinking travel and entrepreneurship, not diapers & day care…

xoxo
Love ya girl!

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Nige

Hi Marie,

My wife Elloa is my best pal and mighty companion. We are both committed to walking side by side no matter what happens. Yes, we have our differences and our goals vary slightly but we respect each others differences and try and give each other a soft place to land along the way. In other words, we use the relationship as a conduit for healing our wounds. Growth can be messy, but the love that waits on the other-side of fear makes it all worthwhile.

Love Nige

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nidhi

nige,

“growth can be messy, but the love that waits on the other side of fear makes it all worthwhile.”

absolutely beautiful and well-put. thanks for sharing that! :)

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Alex

Great, juicy topic and fab advice as usual, thanks Marie!
What I particularly love is the focus on going inside yourself and asking these questions. Too often I find with dilemmas like these we can turn to friends for advice and even our partners (!) and in both cases whilst they may have our best interests at heart I feel it is a mistake to listen to other people’s advice about your relationship. As you say Marie, every woman knows deep down in her gut whether it is working or not, and what they are willing to give to make things work, and so for me the focus on gaining clarity around what YOU want your reality to be, is key to being eventually happy and complete with your choice.
The No Guilt Gut Check is genius, I am going to apply that to my business decisions too!

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Marinda

Sounds to me like he’s holding her back, and in my experience that usually only leads to resentment. My heart goes out to you Anonymous!

But if it’s any consolation, if I didn’t let go of a “dead” relationship back then, I wouldn’t have my dream man right now. You gotta open yourself up to the possibilities of something better until you catch yourself thinking “it cant get any better than this”.

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Hollie

oooooohhh Miranda!

That’s powerful…..catch yourself thinking “it can’t get any better than this”…. that’s what I want!

I believe if you are even thinking “is this right?” — then it isn’t.

Some things are hard and challenging like periods in our business, but if it is right and in alignment we say, “I’m IN! Whatever it takes. I love this business, I believe in it. I’m willing to do the work.”

I believe the same is true for relationships. We have to feel that “this is so right” and “yes, there will be growth and challenges” and “I am so IN!”

Thanks for sharing everyone. What an awesome topic to give and receive support around.

xo! Hollie

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Rhea

Hi Hollie,

I have to disagree somewhat with that. I was in a 5 year relationship and I was ‘SO IN’. I was willing to face the challenges. My ex-boyfriend was not. I spent so much time being IN, that I was doing -whatever it takes- all the time and rarely getting anything in return. It took me a very long time to look at the bigger picture and realize I could be out if I wanted to. I was fully passionate about the man and it was heartbreaking because I believed in him and our relationship so fully. So even though I FELT -IN- … it didn’t mean that it was right. But a career is easier to be IN with because its just you and your career. Making changes only involves one person. I think some people just have a psychology that falls in love with and feels passionate about the wrong people.

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Danielle

Hi Marie,

thanks for tackling this. (I’ve discovered harmony at home can massively impact productivity and success.)

I thought I’d share this nugget which completely flipped my perspective on relationships and marriage. I found it in a great book called Wonderbox by Roman Krznaric. He talks about love through the ages and how the idea that our Significant Other has to match all our desires is just a recent romantic notion. In Ye Olden Times, people would have many and varied relationships, each one meeting a different need.

So in Anonymous’s case: perhaps she could find a good travel buddy to explore that side of life with. Her man gets to stay at home (he’s happy) and she gets to wander (so she’s happy too). Plus, when she gets back, she will have less resentment over stifled dreams etc…. She may even spark his wanderlust with her travel tales and pictures.

If you think about it, even though it’s the norm, it’s asking a lot to expect one person to match our interests on every level. Taking this kind of pressure off made a huge difference for me!

Danielle

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Ellen Silverman

Marie –
This was excellent. You have provided so much clarity. I have chosen so many relatinships for passion, excitement and romance. I never thought about my goals or life style. I have been side tracked by relationships all my life. Now I am single and playing it VERY slow. I will think about your four questions before engaging with the next man and prevent getting side tracked again. It is time for alignment in partnership.
You are so awesome. Thank you!

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Robin Hallett

Don’t be afraid to name what’s happening for you, Anonymous.

Happiness and peace are your birthright.

You are here to do something amazing with your life and sometimes a relationship can hold you back by distracting you from what you’re really here to do.

Rather than wondering IF you two are meant to be, sit with your own truth of what you feel about the relationship.

Wishing you all the best :-)

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Elizabeth

I am in this situation right now. After being single for many many years I thought I found the right man. He has a great job, owns his house, never been married, no children and NO DRAMA. Sounds perfect right ? No. He’s so tired from work we never go out. If we do it’s to “his ” friends house to sit around so he can have a few beers with the guys. We don’t go to dinners, movies or do anything really except sit in the house. He likes to stay close to his home and work on it, or spend time hunting and fishing. I on the other hand love the beach, traveling, dinners and movies. Throw in the farmers market and Sunday drives with no agenda and I’m one happy camper. We hardly ever have a serious conversation and this drives me insane. He always responds with some smart ass comment. He’ s not romantic and never just lay on the couch and cuddle. When it comes time for sex, he just seems to jump right into it. NO foreplay or romance. The thing is , he has such a good heart. He is kind and thinks of other people. He would do anything for me and always helps me around my house. At 45 I wonder if I’m hanging on because it’s routine . I want a man to take my breath away. I don’t want to be 90 and look back and realize that I have lived someone elses dream and not mine. I really needed to hear this topic . Thank you.

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Marinda

Have you told him how you feel, Elizabeth? If he is as kind and considerate as you say, he wouldn’t mind going out of his way for you in the bedroom or anywhere else, for that matter. He will do anything for you, but are you TELLING him or HINTING at him? Men are stupid with hints!

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Elizabeth

Marinda,

I have told him. But because he responds with no emotion I just hold it in. I can feel the frustration building though. And, he did cheat over a month ago with his ex girlfriend while I was in Cape May, NJ with the girls. I never even cried over him cheating, nor did I ever raise my voice to him. Funny thing is, in no way am I a pushover. I worked in the prison systems for the last 20 years. But when it comes to him, ( or perhaps relationships in general ) I feel like I’ve just given up. And that makes my heart so sad because deep down I truley want a relationship that nurtures my soul. His response to everything I say to him is ” Oh,no shit “. In fear of hearing that one more time I’ve just shut down.

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Marinda

YOU DESERVE BETTER.

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katie Adler

Get Out!!! Really!!!

Candace

Honestly, it sounds like he’s not holding the interest in the relationship anymore but doesn’t want to be the bad guy who ends it, so he’s doing everything possible to make you end it.

Regardless of whether this is is reasoning or not, and whether he’s a kind person or not to everyone else, you don’t deserve to be treated like this and you definitely shouldn’t stick around so that you’re there when it’s convenient for him.

If you’ve given up on the relationship, wouldn’t it be better to be single? Then you could a) do all those things you want to do without issue and b) put yourself in the right place to find the guy who DOES nurture your soul.

Good luck with everything!

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Heather

Elizabeth, I can really relate to where you are at. I am just getting out of a marriage that was similar to what you are describing- I was in a relationship but he wasn’t. I got the chills while reading your post because it sounds like his behaviour has now crossed in to the territory of verbal and emotional abuse, which is sometimes more damaging than physical. Facing it is hard, and I am SO sorry that you are in this situation, but believe me that this stuff doesn’t go away or get better by leaving it alone. It hasn’t been a fun process, but I am now on my way to living a true life and not being dragged down by someone who thinks it’s OK to control and manipulate situations and people to suit his insecurities. Two books that have been very helpful to me have been “Why Does He Do That?” and “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” By Lundy Bancroft. Stay strong, lady.

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Elizabeth

Isn’t it amazing how we have our own answers all along ? Just like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. While explaining all this I finally heard myself loud and clear. In the process of writing on this blog, I saw a picture on his FB page that another ex of his posted last Thursday saying she was with him. I called him on it, since we live 45 mins away and can’t always be together. What I found out , is that each Thursday he go’s to his friends house to have a few beers, and his wife has her friend over who is his ex. Nice to know he’s been having dinner with her. So I spent the last few hours asking myself what will fill my heart right now. I leave Friday morning for Madrid, Spain …then to Valencia….Rome….Anna Capri and back to Madrid. Perhaps when I get back in a month I’ll have figured out what it is I need to say to him. Or perhaps, I’ll find my future somewhere in the Mediteranian. Ciao everyone :)

rowan twosisters

Elizabeth ~
nonononononononononononononoononononnoonononono!

45 is the perfect age to find a better fit. I think once you are out of this and have a little room you will have a better perspective.

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Marinda

Your traveling adventures sound so much fun! Best of luck to you, Elizabeth. We’re all rooting for ya :)

Dawn Gibson

Elizabeth,

Time is too precious to waste! He cheated AND he does not consider your feelings! You are saying he has a great heart, but all of his actions and other issues point in another direction.

Sometimes I wonder if being alone is better than being with someone who is unable to truly connect on a deeper level and who never “hears” what their partner has to say.

You are worth it and do deserve better. Time to move on!

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Kalpana

Hi Elizabeth,

You’re post got to me. I can understand having silly boyfriends like that when you’re in your 20s, but if you can’t speak your TRUTH about your concerns with the relationship without getting smart ass quips – then it’s time to duck out.

Kalpana

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RHea

Correct you are. Telling not hinting!

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Nancy

Since I’m a widow, and have no significant life partner, my take was how much this can apply to business situations too. Not everyone will have the same goal, yet relationships exist within the business. For instance a manager may want to move up as far and as quickly as possible, yet his/her secretary may have no desire to be anything other than the very best secretary s/he can be. Will it work…yep, if the secretary’s goals also include supporting the up-and-coming manager in his goal. On the other-hand if you have a secretary that only see’s their work as a 8-5 job, even if they are competent, if they can’t support the supervisor’s goals the relationship will probably fail. So, Marie, can we have a Q&A Tuesday on how to make a business relationship work if personal goals don’t align?

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Chinh

I love this Marie!!!!! Thank you thank you thank you for making a video about this. Just a few months ago I was in the exact situation as your anonymous reader. So I figured out that the relationship needed to end for a whole slew of reasons, not just the fact that I have big goals and ambitions and want to travel the world, and he was more settled and okay with working his day job for the rest of his life. So I love that you broke it down into 4 concrete questions… it really helps put everything in perspective. You are da bomb girl! Love you Marie.

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Cheptiony Mutai

That’s genius Chinh. Motivation is what keeps us alive today..being around a person who motivates you is very important. Someone who tells you are da bomb!

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Kimberly Houston

Great, universal topic, and one I know alot of us struggle with.

I love the gut check test, and especially the seeing yourself together in old age and what that looks like test. That one will give you some clarity! : )

I’m not in a relationship right now, but I was in one that ended a couple of years ago, which I was really, really sad to let go. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted something to work out more than I did that relationship.

One of the things that I so admired and respected about this man was that he built a successful 7-figure business from scratch, and seeing that really inspired me to start my own business. We still respect and care about each other and we keep in touch, and though I still feel sadness it didn’t work out between us, I often wonder if he was brought into my life to show me the vision of what a successful business and lifestyle can look like from the inside, and that maybe the romantic relationship, as great as it was for a while, wasn’t why the universe put us together. Because honestly, until I spent time with him, I’d never known anyone personally with a business that successful. It was such a great inspiration and education for me, and made me believe it was possible for me too. And I know that I wouldn’t be as diligent and committed to my own business as I am now, if it had not been for that relationship, mainly because I now know it is absolutely possible to create something like that for myself.

So Anonymous, maybe you could stop and ask yourself what this man and this relationship is here to teach you. Maybe that will help you figure out your next step. I find that the greatest breakthroughs tend to come around the greatest struggles, and you’ll know in your heart of hearts what you must do. I wish you much good luck with your dreams and goals!!

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Jennifer

This is something I’ve been struggling with the past couple years. My boyfriend and I have very different life goals and ambitions. I dream big, want to travel and make things happen. He has no idea what he wants and don’t have any motivation. Although, I’ve tried to help him find his passion. I’ll support whatever he decides.

I love him but I know what I need to do. Finances are the only reason I stay. And I feel like he’s holding me back because he’s scared.

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Nige

Hi Jennifer,

Its understandable that you would be struggling with this especially with it being such a loaded topic. It’s never easy when partners have different goals and ambitions. Its like you are broadcasting on radio 1 and he’s on radio 2 – its the perfect ingredients for a good ol finger pointing row. I would be willing to put money on it that he is feeling threatened in some way by your willingness to step up. You are probably right when you say he’s scared, but is he holding you back? In my experience; it isn’t possible for anyone to hold another person back without their consent. Somewhere along the way you have agreed to this, but the good news is that you can change your mind at any time. Such is the power of free will. You know in your heart what you need to do. I encourage you to stop whatever it is you are doing, take a deep breath and take a step afterall, this is your life we are talking about here.

Its safe to let go.

Nige:-)

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Ildiko

OMG,
this was priceless. I really had those hunches as I was deciding to leave my relationship that lasted a few months short ten years.
It ain’t easy, but is your life, so if you are thinking about leaving or staying, my god, just do as Marie says, answer those questions and trust that either way, you will be OK!
Thanks Marie for this awesome, awesome video!
You rawk!

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Jenny

I am happy to report that I am part of a loving relationship that is totally defined by the two of us having different life dreams. While it is definitely a struggle at times, both of us are often touched by how we can go out of our way to help the other get what they want out of life. I don’t ever want to control someone else, be controlled, or live with a carbon copy of myself.

All of this being said, I think the bigger issue here is the partner sleeping away his free time – sounds like no one is happy, which is heartbreaking!

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Candace

I’ve definitely been there. My ex husband was one who wanted what he wanted and only what he wanted, and had no real interest in participating in things outside of those interests. I knew we were different people from the beginning, but thought since we loved each other it shouldn’t matter. I could not have been more wrong. You can love someone with all your heart, but if you have no interests in common and you aren’t both willing to go alittle out of your way for the other person, it’s going to be difficult to make it work. Marriage/LT relationships are alot of work, and like any relationship, both people have to be getting something out of it and feeling like the other person wants them to be happy in order for it to work out.

Ultimately, going our separate ways was the best thing we could have done.

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Megan Potter

Your description of his life sounds like my husband when he’s miserable, unhappy, feels trapped and has no idea what to do about it. Sounds like he’s given up and can’t see another way. The stinky thing about that is, sometimes you being your vibrant, alive, living life self can help to shift things for them, and sometimes nothing can. I always ask peeps who ask me about relationships:

If he never changes. If this is who he is until he’s 80, can you life with that?

Cause we need to be in relationships with the understanding that WE are the only person we can change. So, if you can’t change him, is this relationship still giving you what you need to live joyously?

Love,
Megan

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Sarah E.

Hi Marie (and team),

I think you’re right on with the advice here–but would it be so tough to say “partner” instead of boyfriend or husband when giving hypothetical advice to “all women”? You’ve got more lesbian/bisexual/queer women fans than you might think!

Love,
Sarah

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Jan

Thanks for speaking up, Sarah. I had the same thought as I was reading.

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Stacey

Wow – this is a juicy subject. I’m talking marriage and commitment, not a non-committed, boyfriend/girlfriend situation.

Getting married, to me, is not like buying a new pair of favorite shoes that you discard when it gets uncomfortable, or you discard because you’re bored because they are too comfortable.

Commitment in and of itself is one of life’s most difficult and rewarding challenges. I’ve been married for 28 years. In that 28 years I’ve had periods of time where I have felt EVERY SINGLE ONE of the emotions, negative and positive that you describe, Marie. I’m SO glad I didn’t quit or give up when my feelings for my husband were on the down end. My relationship has been the clearest mirror into my soul, challenging me to become kinder, more forgiving, more loving – oh, just MORE.

To me – the real questions are a little deeper than what you’ve expressed. To me, these are the real questions.

1. Am I brave/strong enough to forge ahead with my dreams and desires if my partner doesn’t match my energy about these dreams and desires? Letting them work through their jealousy, fear, recognizing their manipulations as devices of said fear and jealousy?

2. Am I brave enough to allow my partner to forge ahead with their dreams and desires if my energy doesn’t match their dreams and desires? Doing so without jealousy, fear, or manipulation?

3. Is my partner abusive in any way, emotionally, physically or spiritually? When lovingly confronted with such issues, are they willing to examine the issue and earnestly try to quit?

Yes, there are times when shoes become too hurtful and must be tossed. But goodness sake – learning to become a great partner is more important than finding ‘the perfect partner’.

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Sara

Stacey, I 100% agree with you. I believe that while finding the best partner is most important while you are dating, it is crucial to be the best partner you can be once you’ve chosen a life partner or spouse.
I had many failed relationships, including a broken engagement, before meeting my husband. When we met neither of us knew what we really wanted out of life, we simply knew that we chose each other and agreed to be each other’s biggest cheerleader. I didn’t know 10 years ago that I wanted to be an entrepreneur, he didn’t know that he’d hate his job and feel stuck, staying only for the paycheck. We have 3 small kids, and as much as we’d like to reinvent ourselves every 5 years, we have to choose our family, first. That means choosing each other, and love, before financial or travel goals. I feel like I was able to talk to him while we dated, and we discussed what we wanted our forever to look like. It doesn’t match what we had in mind, but we are happy clams, just waiting to see what life brings us next. The Rev that married us gave us both great advice, he said, “Save your very best you for each other. Don’t give all your patience and kindness away to strangers or coworkers, bring it home and share it with your spouse. You chose them for a reason. Remind yourself to love them as you want to be loved.”
10 years, 3 kids, a blossoming business, and more , have come up in our journey, much of that has been difficult, but I wouldn’t have chosen anyone else to share my life with, even if it meant I could have everything exactly as I wished it would be.

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Lisa

Such a great topic and one that is really crucial to accomplishing your goals and creating the life you want to live. (Marie, I was so distracted by that incredible dress you were wearing, I just kept wishing you would stand up so I could see all of it. But I paid attention to the message, really I did!)

I am so fortunate that I met the man that is perfect for me when I was only 20. We’ve been together for almost 16 years, married for 11. Even though we are very different people now than 16 years ago, we have moved in the same directions, side by side. Three business start-ups, 2 young kids and 2 countries later, I am so happy to say that our goals of travel, education for our girls and lifestyle for our family are in sync.

Of course, we each have personal goals that are different and we don’t ALWAYS see perfectly eye to eye but we compliment each other well. The toughest thing right now is being in a foreign country (with an infant) and being away from our support network. That being said, we both enjoy stepping out of our comfort zone and exploring new possibilities together. It is when the most growth happens.

While I don’t believe that you can change people, I do believe that you can bring out different aspects of a person’s personality. My husband and I grew up in very different families, his being vibrant, boisterous and crass Irish-Italian and mine a very reserved passive-aggressive Dutch-Polish. In the last 16 years, I have become more outgoing and he has learned to have a filter when one is needed. Maybe it’s just growing older and more mature but we’re fortunate to have moved closer to center together than further apart over the years.

Common long-term goals are crucial for us. It gives us something to work for and to push together towards.

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Geneviève

Love this video, definitely questions I give a lot of thought to, deep down I know the answers….but not ready to deal with the consequences included with my decision.

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Shea

I am a die hard people pleaser and it has cost me very dearly. I have promised myself deeply that I do not need to take the shaft in every relationship. I am learning to tell my husband what I need and to be comfortable with fulfilling them. In my opinion, it shouldn’t be one person in a relationship giving up their dreams all the time. Healthy relationships understand that there are times when one or the other grows and sometimes even grow together. Happiness comes by learning to say, “No, thank you, that doesn’t work for my life right now.” and , “Sure honey, I’ll support you in your dreams.” Balance.
Thank you, Marie for a great episode.

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Selena

The only thing that is keeping me with my husband is that we have a 6yo. My mother stayed with my dad unhappily for 24 years till my youngest sibling was 18. Then she was old and the bulk of youthful years of her life were gone. I don’t want to wait 12 more years to do that. I think I know my answer. Thanks Marie. xo

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the get in shape girl

I swear everything happens for a reason, and I believe this video was emailed today for a reason. I’ve been back on and forth on this for a long time, just waiting things out because it’s never the “right time.” We have a business together. Our website launches TOMORROW. We both have major tasks that we handle and he cannot do what I do (I am the face, I am the one who has the relationships with the clients.) He does all the behind the scenes work that I have had no interest in doing or learning. Well today, I am learning and I am doing because failing or quitting is not an option.

There will never be a good time to break up or end things, so sometimes you just gotta do it.

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Melodie

Best part was her dress :)

LOL but yeah, content, completely true. Gotta be on the same page.

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Aimée

OK I haven’t even watched the video yet, but I’m already laughing at the screen grab image at the top with all the babies! On to the video…

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Tammy Perry

Thank you Marie

Long story short – I was unhappy making him happy – so I left – he was devastated. Now, 4 years later – he is happy and grateful we are no longer together. The kids are happier and yay – Win, win.

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Cathy Sykora

I have been married for 30 years. Most of the time…he is the love of my life, other times not so much. One thing is for sure, nobody but my husband would put up with me…so that could be another one to add to your list. Who will put up with all your shenanigans.

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Carisse

Great topic! It is also my first time to comment after following MarieTV for about 6 months now. HI EVERYONE! Thank goodness no trolls!

Those are fantastic questions indeed, and I’d like to add my 2 cents to dear Miss Anonymous who is so brave for sending in her question.

There truly is no formula for love and relationships. Some people are super alike, some are polar opposites. Some live on two continents. Some are inseparable.

I think the point of it all is that you find someone who will STAY. Through hell, bankruptcy, illness, difficult relatives, drama at work, success, failure, embarrassing moments, painful rumors, no make up and a runny nose mornings, and listen to each and every daydream, crazy thought and passionate rant. They will stay with you NO MATTER WHAT.

As Marie says, its not a simple topic at all and she asks you some amazing questions!

After you answer those questions for yourself, I suggest perhaps asking yourself a couple more about HIM. In our quest to find our “best life ever”, we sometimes forget that real relationships are about the other person too, and how we can contribute and give back to THEM. Might I suggest that you ask yourself questions like,

1. Is he really just CONTENT and at peace with his place in the world and I am comparing him unfairly? I have seen men who are ON THE MOVE and they are insatiable. At the end of the day, many of them will choose the career over you because they are on a different page all together. A content and peaceful man has MUCH to offer and give.

2. How does he support you? Do you feel he loves you and can you respect him and what he does (assembly line or not)? Are the communication lines open, is the trust deep and free flowing? How does he express his love for you? It might be that he communicates his love, and it might help if there was a nice peaceful, neutral conversation about what you are feeling. If he loves you and wants to keep this relationship, he will do whatever it takes to make it work. But at the same time, there must be room for compromise. What that looks like is up to the two of you :)

3. Do you think you can support HIM and what HE wants? Do you get excited at the thought of encouraging and supporting him? It might not be his job at the assembly line, but perhaps he’s passionate about vintage cars, baseball cards, serving the less fortunate, or collecting cream cheese. Whatever it is, do you think you can truly support him in the same manner he will and should support you?

4. Ask him in the most sincere, honest and loving manner, “How can I love you better? Do I listen? Am I supportive? What are the ways I can show you love, respect and support?” Then maybe he can answer the same questions too! ;)

Take all these questions, answers, thoughts, and maybe take off by yourself for a day to be still and listen to your heart. To me, he sounds like a keeper, but of course that’s just me. There are no perfect relationships out there, and if you both think each other is worth it, you’ll make it work. NO MATTER WHAT.

Bless you, and bless your heart. May you find your peace soon and may it be abundant and overwhelming!

xo

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Tara

SO beautifully put Carisse! Thanks for deciding to comment today! (I made my first one too. What an amazing community.) x

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Ella Leché

Beautifully said Carisse ;)
Yes, sometimes we get very selfish and forget that a relationship is about teamwork! It’s not all ME ME ME!!!
Loved you input ;)
I think he’s a keeper too, and you can take a couple of vacations together throughout the year and travel the world.
Sounds like he’s maybe more responsible with his work ethics (which is great!) ~ let’s not fool ourselves a life of being a traveler is lovely – but it needs $$$.
Good luck in your decision.

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Nina

I met my husband when we were 18, we married at 25 and at 44 I am still happily married. Why? We have the same basic core values, we talk out what we want/need, what is an absolute and what can be a compromise.

I am much more spontaneous and want to go out and experience things than he is. He’s willing to come along and I pick days where I’m willing to stay home. We balance each other out. He was there for me when I started my business and I was there for him when he was laid off.

If you can’t be supported in what truly matters to you then you need to find someone else. What are you willing to live with and not feel resentful?

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Dana Carmel

I was with my boyfriend for 4 years and struggled with this question for the last year we were together. I loved him so much and still care for him deeply. I think the “no-guilt” advice would have come in so handy at the time. I felt (and still feel) so guilty about hurting such a great guy. If there truly was a guilt-free guarantee that he would have felt fine (and even that I would have felt fine) it would have made the decision easier.
But that goes to show that you can’t base your decision based on guilt.(Marie you should do an episode on guilt! It’s such a powerful yet unhelpful, and debilitating feeling:)

Anonymous, the one thing I can say is that you really do know the answer in your gut. I knew for quite a while before I admitted it to myself and then my body started screaming it at me when I didn’t listen.
Apparently it needed to get to that point for me before I knew it was the right thing to do. It’s different for everyone.

Good luck!

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Isabelle Jeannet

These are great questions, Marie and they touch one of the most vulnerable topics. I’m living in Switzerland, just met a man from Sicily who’s touching me deeply and asking myself why I’m still not in a so called “normal” relationship. Being a musician takes a lot of space in my life and until now I “chose” man they didn’t come to close. Right now everything seems to break free and all the questions around my femininity, the pattern of doing everything on my own comes to the surface. It’s great to work on a career; I did it for more than 20 years, but how little could I live my feminine side. And how much harder is it without support from a partner..
I think that with a clear commitment we can change a lot and come bit by bit closer to our dream. But do we have in the end the choice, whom we will attract as a partner? My own life experience often brought something surprisingly different than what I seemed to want.

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Big L (aka Laura)

While I typically really value your biz advice, you nailed this piece of life advice, Marie! I’ve been in a similar place myself and after some careful reflection, very similar to what you recommended, realized I was blind to how important my relationship really was to me. In my opinion, you don’t necessary need to have all of the same life and career goals (although some overlap is important, of course), provided that you have unconditional support and oodles of understanding in the relationship. I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for my man always being in my corner, believing in me and keeping me grounded. In our case, our differences are what make us stronger, both as individuals and as a team!

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Positively Shamika

Yup, been here before. When I was younger, late teens/early 20’s I was focused on finishing college, being successful, starting my own business some day, traveling, enjoying life and someday in the future tense, starting a family. My ex fiance on the other hand wanted to get married before I finished school, although school at that moment was my focus, and wanted to start a family asap. This is when things started to go down hill because he was settled with what he was doing at that time and for me it wasn’t enough. The end result was that we parted ways and my now lovely husband and I are on our way to a happy future with the same goals in mind. Yay! :)

The best thing is to really sit down with your loved one and figure out why you are there and what it is you both want because without communication it just will not work.

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Ella Leché

Love you Marie ~
but I sense that you really go against family life and for women to prioritize having kids.

I have had a successful business for 10 years this year – and have a 5 year old now. And you can have happiness and success with both!
I know that this isn’t a priority for some women – but glamourizing a child-less life isn’t ideal either. Not many women look forward to changing diapers when a rewarding career opportunity is next door. But you can have both!)

I just feel your comment about meeting guys who just wanted to impregnate you and drag you into the suburbs was unnecessary. (I know it was meant to be funny – I get it! ;) But some women here may want what you have – because well, it is certainly glamorous) and miss out on a great opportunity with a guy who wants to to settle down. I think that’s the best thing a guy can say is that he wants to have kids with you ;)

You know it’s ok to travel with kids – it can be done! And you don’t have to be in the suburbs either.
Changing diapers isn’t fun – but becomes incredibly rewarding when you hear your little one say ‘I love you mommy’ the first time…. And unfortunately, we women have a biological clock ticking also.

If you’re in a happy relationship that is balanced well, that you both share similar interests…… closing the door on a partner for the reason that he wants to settle down and have kids with you may be hurting you in the long run. It’s really quite natural for humans to settle down and to add to the circle of life….
For me having had both, a rewarding career and a child – I would much rather drop everything, live in a small apartment but have my baby girl to hold my hand…. and I would still call that a life success! ♥

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Tammy

Sometimes people simply do not want to have kids, it isn’t for everyone. Have you ever said “Some people just shouldn’t have kids.”? Well, that is very true. If your heart/soul isn’t into it then you should not have kids. There are many ways to have a successful life – you don’t have to pop out your own kids to do it. Procreation is not for everyone!

On the other hand – if you do feel the natural desire to be a parent, as I have, then you certainly can travel, have a business, NOT live in the suburbs and, in my case, do it without a spouse.

It is all possible! As wonderful as my 3 kids are, I can totally understand and support another person for not wanting to have kids. (I secretly want more “aunts and uncles” for my own.) :)

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katie Adler

Hi!!

I maybe would watch the episode again. I found that Marie was talking about her situation. She had introduced the topic of how important the having babies conversation is and then dealt with her situation in a very humorous way. I did not hear her weigh in on what women should or shouldn’t do—only that this conversation is really important!

Part of maturing is deciding what it is exactly that I want in my life—and if I am being influenced by what someone says—that is my responsibility—not the person who is giving an opinion. And an opinion, is what Marie is doing with Q&A Tuesday.

It is fabulous that you are living your great life!!!

Sincerely,

Katie

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April Kihlstrom

I finally realized, after way too many years of marriage, that my husband deserved someone who would adore him and share his vision of life and that I deserved someone who would adore me and share my vision of life. That’s how I got past the guilt–to focus on leaving in a way that would maximize the odds for both of us.

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Denise Antoon

This is how I am feeling. It is not fair to either person to be held back because the other person does not want the same life. Of course there are compromises, but when it comes to not living a life you love you have to make the choice to stay or leave the relationship.

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Sheryl Kurland

My work & passion have revolved around interviewing HUNDREDS OF COUPLES MARRIED 50 YEARS OR MORE, and based on the widsom I have learned from them, there is a MAJOR problem in this relationship that will eventually cause it to destruct: BOTH people are NOT SUPPORTIVE of each other; this relationships sounds like a one-way street. Being “supportive” does NOT mean agree with each other in opinion, life values, preferences/choices, etc. (although agreeing can certainly be beneficial). You can be two totally different people (example: I met a couple and the husband was a “mountain man” while his wife was a “corporate professional”) but as long as you SUPPORT each other, you can have a loving, lasting relationship. In a healthy relationship, DIFFERENCES can add gusto and excitement.

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Anna

Dear Sheryl

You made an interesting point to an already interesting topic. I guess that you can be different, if your partner is different in something and you can VALUE his difference.

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Bianca Jade

This video couldn’t have come at a better time for me. I’m going through a really terrible breakup right now and even though deep down I know my ex is not right for me, I keep making passionate appeals to save our relationship. Why? Because I love him. But I’m learning that love alone may not be enough. A relationship is a partnership that needs balance and we never had that. He just wanted me to sit pretty, behave and let him pet me. Like his dog. I had no voice. And as I started to speak up, problems escalated. I know the relationship wasn’t going to work but I am very sad. Still dealing. Still trying to do my best to feel better. They say time heals…I’ve thrown fitness into the equation too. I just wish I could fast forward to when the pain goes completely away. In case you’re interested, I made this video about what I’m going through: http://youtu.be/7CiT312W87w

Thanks for the video, Marie. And for all the other comments posted above that remind me that I am not alone nor will I ever be.

Bianca/MizzFIT

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Rachel

Such good stuff, Marie! I think that as cheesy as it may sound, being amazing friends with your partner is the absolute most important thing for the happy longevity of a relationship. Having said that, even though anonymous said she and her partner get along famously, it’s hard to square that with the fact that she and her boyfriend seem to enjoy different things. The questions you asked were spot on, though! Loved it.

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Elly Klein

To the Anonymous Reader,

Before you make your decision, you might want to read Marry Him – A Case for Settling for Mr Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb.

Ironically, neither Lori or I have settled (I’m single and I believe Lori still is, too), but I definitely think it’s worth a look.

Even better would be a course of counseling. Talk it through with a trained professional. Whether or not to move on from a potential life partner is a big decision.

Best wishes,
Elly Klein

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Ramanprit

Hello lovely people

Synchronicity is alive and well as I am working through this issue in my relationship right now. Thank you for such fantastic guidance…time to answer those questions….honestly :)

Big love, Raman

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Christy

Great topic, and such a tricky one too! Actually, it wasn’t so tricky once I got in touch with my gut truth instead of trying to “figure things out” in my head. I stayed in a decade long relationship with a great guy that was SUPER supportive of me and was my best friend and yet, we were ultimately not a good match. We may have even shared some similar visions about what we wanted from life, but the difference was in his lack of action and taking steps towards building that life even though he always encouraged and supported me in whatever I was doing.

It took me awhile to finally admit what I knew deep down and what sealed the deal for me was when I asked myself two questions: 1) If in 5 years nothing had changed … would I be happy? 2) Would I want to have children with this man? My gut response was overwhelmingly strong that I could not ignore my truth any longer. It was one of the most heartbreaking and painful choices to make and there were many times when I felt like everything around me was falling apart. Our hearts and lives were so enmeshed that it was messy and difficult to untangle and go our separate ways. The only thing that kept me strong was being absolutely 100% certain that my gut could not steer me wrong. I had to trust myself.

Six months later I met the man that I am now going to marry (even though I wasn’t even looking)! He is my perfect counterpart and companion and our life and love is better than I ever could have imagined. It’s like having this great relationship has elevated all the other areas of my life too and I didn’t know it could have such a profound effect. I’m super grateful and even more excited about everything that is in store for me, for him, and for us.

Thanks for giving me a space to share my story :)

p.s. – One of the things that helped me feel better about the breakup was trusting that there was some other girl out there who was just perfect for him and that by staying, I was preventing both of us from having our best life.

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Anna Long

I love you advise today Marie (thank you as always!).

I was in a very similar situation a few years back. Great guy, great gal (me!), but very different goals. I kinda felt “crazy” all the time because well…I didn’t want what he wanted…what he wanted was more “normal” and what I wanted was a little more off the beaten path.

the decision to end the relationship was not quick or easy, but once that energetic string between us broke, I had the courage to make the jump towards something scary and unknown…but something that in my gut I KNEW was more right for me.

I was single for about .2 seconds and met the love of my life our salsa dancing one night. We are on the same page, newly engaged, and planning our “crazy” adventures together.

I wish you the same luck reader. Not to break up, but to find your truth (whether that is leaving this relationship or sticking with it).

Anna

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Lisa Cash Hanson

In any relationship no two people are ever a like. It’s really the greatest myth ever told. “We are so compatible” Until after the marriage then you realize how different you are LOL. I find fear plays a part in miscommunication at times. I am on the verge of a huge opportunity. My husband started tripping out. We talked and realized it was just fear based. Sometimes staying calm, and truly walking and talking it out makes all the difference in the world. Now we are back on the same page.

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Tifanie

Great advice, Marie…and, everyone here in the comments. :)

Gosh…what an important topic!

I think the best advice you can takeaway here, anonymous (or anyone) is getting really clear with yourself about what YOU want. What does that ideal image of your life look like. And, then, like Marie said “follow your gut”.

And remember that you’re making the best decisions you can, from where you are, and with the information you have. Whatever you decide is what’s best for you and no one else. No one knows how anything will turn out. So you just look for the best way to move forward and have faith.

I wish you lots of luck and happiness

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Erin

Thank you Marie for such a great video! I have been dating a man for only 4 short months and he got a job offer that he is probably going to take across the country. I am pretty sad, but know that it’s the best thing for him, so I am letting him go. There are okay moments and down-in-the-dumps moments, but I just need to tell you that I have been looking forward to Q&A Tuesday all weekend, because your contagious, go-getter spirit always reminds me that my own happiness is important, creatable, and crucial to my success as an illustrator.

Thank you!!!

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Hadley Gustin

Love this video, Marie because it just reaffirmed for me what I already felt in my heart. When I’m in a relationship with someone, we have to be on the same page about where we want our lives to go in the future. That doesn’t mean we have to have the same goals and ambitions or be the exact same – absolutely not. However, we need to have an understanding and be in agreement about major life choices like marriage and kids to sustain the relationship and maintain that positive energy between us going forward.

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Cheptiony Mutai

I am a single guy and after reading all these comments; I understand how a happy wife needs to be treated…that she needs FREEDOM to make a choices..that she needs someone to motivate her to pursue her goals to success.
I will treat mine the same way once I get married.

Cheers Marie for bringing up this topic.

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rowan twosisters

My partner and I are vastly different, and he’s coming into a time in his life where he wants to travel and experience lots of new adventures.

I wanna stay local, lay the foundation for an urban farm, and launch my next project.

We talk about it a bunch, goals of our marriage, and support and root each other on.

I tell him all the time, “I don’t care where you go, as long as every three weeks or so you come home to me.” :-)

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Jenn

I always dated nice guys, which made it very hard to break things off when they weren’t THE right guy, and it was hard for other people to understand when things didn’t work out.

I married the one who loves me for my weird quirks and passions. He’s my biggest supporter and he’s happy when I’m following my bliss, which makes me love him even more. Then we repeat the process. Of course, it also works in reverse too. I supported his dream when he was in college and I love it that he’s fulfilled by his work too.

It wasn’t until I had this kind of partnership that I realized it was sooo worth the wait. It’s a “next level” love and I wish it for everyone!

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Denise Antoon

Thank you for making me realize I am not alone in the feelings I have. This was a great video for today that confirmed what I had been thinking. Thanks again!!

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Frani

I thought this would be a great read for you guys! It truly goes along with the topic Marie was talking about in the video. Enjoy!

http://www.rocknrollbride.com/2012/05/if-you-love-her-let-her-grow-a-guest-post-by-gareth-williams/

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Andrea

I think I’m from an earlier generation than most of the commenters. One of the things I envy in young women today is the lack of angst and guilt about the whole question of family vs career. I love that we are to that point for many women. I’m from the time of exhausted superwomen trying to “do it all” – and do it perfectly. I ended up defaulting to suburban housewife/mom for 20 years then divorced and went into career mode. Now my career is established I would love to share my experiences with someone I could be close to. Travelling alone for business is ok – but it would be so much nicer to have a personal side to it. I ended up flipping back and forth between these two parts of my life because I couldn’t get a vision of how it would work together. I see young women/men today being much more successful and creative with that. Good luck to everyone trying to find their own balance.

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Sharon J

Great advice as usual Marie.

One thing I’ve learned in my life is that it’s important to support each others dream. When you love someone, you are willing to do things that are outside your comfort zone.

My ex-boyfriend was a home body, but whenever I mentioned taking a trip or going out he was always on board. I also didn’t mind lounging at home.

I think this is very relevant to single people. One thing I’m taking away is not to be afraid to ask questions in the beginning of a relationship. Also to check in every so often.

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Darris

“Why do you want to be in this relationship?”

GREAT QUESTION! Be BRUTALLY HONEST with yourself on this one. You don’t want to ever feel ‘stuck’ in a relationship for ANY reason . . . been there, done that . . . not good. Life is too bloody short!

Cute, cute, cute dress Marie!!!

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shinazy

When I was ready …. READY … I sat myself down and determined my 5 needs:

What were my NON-NEGOTIABLES?
What MUST I HAVE in a love relationship to be happier?

Once I identified my big 5 and felt ready …. READY … to find my man. I knew I was looking for 1 in a million; so, if I had to date 99,999,999 men I would.

Clarity and determination kept me focused.

And, when I found my honey, we talked about what was most important to our individual and mutual happiness.

BUT, be prepared for change AND talk it out.

Can we have it all? Yes, we just need to REALLY know what the ‘all’ is.

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Darris

So glad you brought this up shinazy! When I divorced my first husband after 26 years I decided that I would focus on getting to know ‘me’ for a year before I began dating. I also needed to focus on my then 6 1/2 year old son’s needs and keep him grounded. When the year was nearly up I sat down and wrote down everything I wanted in a mate and then narrowed it down to about 6 “must have’s”. My husband entered my life about 3 weeks later. He was the first, and only guy I dated. I was clear, focused and ready. We sat down for two days before we made a commitment and wrote out everything we thought might be a detriment in relationship. We talked through a couple difficult issues . . . we’ve gotten through them because we worked them out together. There were no ‘deal breakers’.

It’s been over 8 years and we’re in love and loving life. That said, it doesn’t mean we don’t have bumps and wild rides now and then . . . but our commitment is to never threaten our relationship. When we do have issues we work them out or get help. We don’t let things stew and drag on. Too much life to do!

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Catharine

My partner and I have many differences in the beginning of our relationship. He is an outdoor person, he likes doing a lot of activities during the holiday, I like to be at home, and relax and lie down by the beach on my holiday. He hates malls and “allergic” with shopping and I love browsing around and do some shopping :) I can have long list for this. We fight most of the time because of these differences. Nevertheless he’s always been my bestfriend and vice versa. We can laugh our ass off and make jokes of ourselves…

Over time (15 years now), we influence each other! In short, there was a point where we stopped pushing each other, I do what I want to do alone, the same with him, then we share it when we are back home, but we also spend some time to do what the other person want to do, together. I spend all heartly trekking outside (i did not like it before by i like it now) and he can go to the mall and shopping with ease now.

I think you should just try it out by just do what you want to do. If he doesn’t want to travel, you go alone or with your friends/ sisters, and explain to him you really want to do that. You might influence him when he sees you in action doing what you want to do, with a lot of energy, and passion.. you never know. Or maybe you might not!

By then, I think you will know what you need to do.. :)

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Amy

Mmmmmmmhhhhmmmmmmm. Too bad I’m one of those “I don’t want to hurt your feelings” kinda gals. Sometimes being nice doesn’t benefit you at all if you are nice to a fault. Always look out for your interests too, girl. Or else you’ve compromised your life away. Been there a time or two… or three.

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Tasja

I like your video very much, Marie. The sound however could be better. I hear an echo a lot of the time, and it sounds like you are in an empty, cold room. Not exactly the right environment for such a warm advice!

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Leigh Ann

I swear the link to this video showed up in my Facebook feed as a sign from above!

My husband and I are totally meant to be — that’s not in question. However, he’s stuck in a dead-end job and he doesn’t know how to get out of it (and I don’t know how to help him). He is a naturally creative person who went to school for fine art/illustration and got a second degree in graphic design. When we first lived together, I brought in the money so he could explore the idea of creating his own business. He tried HARD, but he ended up making less than $100 for design/illustration in a whole year. He is not a people person, he thinks marketing is scummy/unauthentic, and he has a total lack of confidence. I support his desire to be self-employed, but I’m having a hard time seeing how he’s going to make it happen. For now, he’s stuck in a low-wage job that’s hard on his body and on his spirit. Every day, he comes home looking more downtrodden, and neither of us knows how to fix it.

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Rowena

Oh boy is this a can of worms…………we as women know deep down what and who is right for us. We are soooooo smart it isn’t funny. Love the questions to ask yourself. They are brilliant. Maybe even scary to answer cuz then you have to make change unless you want to stay the same. Who wants that?

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Rebecca

Hey my boyfriend and I have some similar life goals and ambitions but we do have a few big ones. We both me with mine! want kids – I want to bring them up raw, he doesn’t want that effort we decided we could cross that bridge when it comes. I love my self development and it doesn’t mean as much to him but he is willing to come along for the ride. He wants to wait to run a biz and I want to do it all now so hes helping me build mine. Relationships are all about building your own lifestyles rules and win win compromises.

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Dawn Damico

Great question and great answer….however….

Anonymous says that she decided a year ago to start a business and change her life. That is AMAZING and AWESOME!

You wanted to change you and you did it…or are in the process of doing it. This is all new to your boyfriend..in a sense, you are becoming a different person from who he started dating, right?

So before you cut out someone who could be a very supportive person from your life – relax, the sky is not falling…check your gut (as Marie says) and give the guy a chance to catch up! You know, if he is a 9-5’er then this whole business-starting thing is completely out of his area of “knowing”.

Be honest though, if you decide to walk away. Don’t blame it on what he’s not willing to do or be – after all, he is the same person you started dating in the first place, right? If you changed focus and goals (and there is nothing wrong with that)…just say that. We’re all grown-ups here!

Good luck in your business!

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Amanda

This is such good advice. I too feel as if I am growing and changing into a much different person than my partner. This is not necessarily a bad thing – it just is!

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Amanda

I’m usually a total lurker here, but decided to come out of the woodwork today because this video really spoke to me and is completely relevant to the struggles I’m having in my life right now.

I’ve been with my partner for almost 6 years and like you, Marie, am not interested in the whole marriage/babies thing. We are on the same page with that, and he is smart, funny, sweet, and oh so good looking. Score!

We are both really focused on our careers right now, but we value vastly different aspects. He works 14 hour days and beats himself up about “not doing enough”, he never relaxes, doesn’t travel, and is constantly stressed. While I am currently working long days, my ultimate goal is to set my business up so I can work shorter days and enjoy more time off to travel and relax while collecting passive income. My thoughts about this are usually met with eye-rolls from him.

I’m afraid that he will always be a workaholic and we will never be able to enjoy any of my much coveted downtime together. I feel like we can never relax together and this drives me crazy. Every other thing in my life is beginning to fall into place and I feel like this is an issue that really needs to be addressed sometime soon. I don’t like feeling guilty about time off that I have worked hard to earn!

Thanks for this video and thanks to all the commenters – I don’t feel so alone now!

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hillary rubin

love this video. my husband and I sat down and asked each other these questions. it was tough and worth it at the same time. we both want the same things in life and are dedicated to meet each others needs. one thing that was useful was to step aside and put the others needs first – of course knowing we are in it to win it. otherwise we both new we would probably repeat old stuff in a new relationship. so hope this helps.

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sarah

Wow this is similar to the story of me and my ex. His goals were to buy a house in a residential area, settle down and have kids. He was not big on travelling or living life in technicolour. I, however, was chomping at the bit and knew that kids/stability was not on my to-do list. He was an amazing guy, loving and loyal, but I knew that i couldn’t give him what he wanted, and also knew that if i stayed with him my sparky soul would start to die unless we had very independent lives.

It can be a super super tough decision. What swung it for me was that I had a constant nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that there was more to life (and love!) than what was going on in our relationship. Despite efforts to work things out in the relationship, both of us fundamentally had different needs that neither of us could satisfy, and so we broke up.

Whatever decision you come to, make sure you follow your passions and don’t dilute them for anyone – in my experience that’s when you start to lose your lust for life and your core ‘self’. Good luck girl x

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Cheryl

Interesting topic. And sometimes the differences are what work. I, being an author, had a tendency to go for dramatic, passionate, creative men … similar to my temperament and needs … But boy did the explosions happen when we were BOTH needing someone to anchor us ( which was a regular occurrence). I finally allowed myself to start seeing an interesting engineer/manager who, being more corporate, conservative, and largely not artistic was certainly not my usual “type”. However, it soon became clear that his calm strength ANCHORED ME and kept me happy and stable, and in a loving environment I could work in … I in turn added the colour and fire he was craving. And I have never been happier. I love and adore this man. Our core values and spiritual/philosophical outlook is similar, which is what is important, even though personalities are very different. And even though he is more pinned down with his role and I will travel more overseas with book promotions etc, we also respect and nurture each other’s independence, which is also key. keeping ou relationship paramount is the critical thing, as someone else mentioned: making sure that our relationship is nurtured and protected above everything else. This is what works for us. Cheryl xx

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Deborah

Ouch, I’m in that sticky situation now. I’ve been in a dead-end, loveless marriage for 14years. I am suffocating and want out desperately and am starting to look at how I can get on with my life asap. I stayed for my daughter and the financial security, now my daughter is grown up and ready to leave the nest, and I am ready to be my own financial security. Wish me luck.
PS
Marie, thanks for all your great advice/videos & . . . girl you are stylin!

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alison

Dear Anonymous,
You’re not crazy and you’re not selfish for wanting to live your life on your own terms. As a matter of fact, it takes a lot of courage to even consider letting go of the way things are now and going after more. Kudos to you for thinking about change.

If you decide to go your own way — but have trouble actually doing it — here’s a tip that might make it a little easier to follow your heart. Ask yourself, “What will be bad about leaving my relationship?”

Fear of dealing with these bad things can keep you stuck in an unhappy situation.

Make a list of all the barriers — big and small — to doing what you want. List the guilt, possible financial issues, the grief your mom’s going to give you, the fact that you’ll miss his cooking, who’s gonna walk the dog. List them all.

Next, tackle your list. Go through each item and list ways that could deal with it. You don’t have to completely solve every issue. But find a first step for each. When you’re facing a challenge, just knowing where you might start can be the difference between stepping up and not.

You’ve got some big decisions ahead of you and some work to do. But hey, you started your own business. With a little confidence and support, you can handle this too. Good luck.

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Anthony

Wow..this has really hit a nerve with me. Similarly to some of the comments here, I am in a marriage of 20 years where I have been unhappy for many of those years. After the first few years I really felt that she might not really be the one.
My big thing is that whenever I tell my wife that I really dont think we are suited, and maybe there is someone else out there that we both can be more compatible with, she is adamant that we are put on this earth for each other. It is her opinion that any issues I have will only be carried onto the next relationship.
She truly thinks that ANY 2 people can make a marriage work if they want it too.
Personally, I feel that I am wasting my life, and we both could be so much happier. We have 2 kids. One has left the nest, and the other is only 14, so there is a few years left. My 14 year old daughter is my heaven on earth. She is what keeps me alive and sane.

Thanks for the opportunity Marie.

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Ron jaymson

I was going to post very similar question, but you did it. I have 5 kids. 9 years until the youngest is 18.

I am for marriage and happiness. I believe anyone can make it work, but there might not be happiness. My emotional needs are not met. Hers are not either. The biggest for me is different sexual needs. What is difficult is her needs can be met from outside of me. #1 is financial security. I make 150k, but with 5 kids, her in school, and a very wasteful family, we stay broke. I explained that if her mother won the lotto, and gave her 10 million dollars, her #1 need would be met. End of story. But for me to have my need met in my marriage, I must get it from her. And she has gone without, can do without, self pleasure repulsed her, and she does not maintain herself for me. I am the opposite, on most of those things.

But we have one life. Only one. My kids will have theirs. And I do not want to be old and bitter and not have loved or feel the love than meets my needs. I’m not saying to split, but time, health, and life are precious. Marriage is a two way partnership. I believe people would look at us with a far less critical eye for leaving. Especially if your needs are met and you grow into the whole person you know you are and meant to be.

Good luck fellow fighter!

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Alyix

I’ve often wondered about this question, as relationships would come and go. We are always asking whom is to blame, am I being difficult, or not going after what I really want? In universal reality, it is both parties’ souls who are sending messages this is not right. What are a life’s wishes or desires except a message from your inner self-urging you in a direction? All the while your partner’s is sending them a different signal. It is one of life’s more difficult journeys, learning to trust and believe in your own inner guide against all else but it is absolute and necessary. It is my belief that every person who comes in your life and who’s life you affect is temporary and in being so has a limited time to play a very important role. Sometimes it is at this point of irreconcilable difference that we must choose the strength to go about our path alone in order to continue to grow and evolve our own unique souls.

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Jenean

I am in this situation right now. I am just starting out with my business and have a great love of traveling and experiencing life. He tries to be supportive of my dreams, but he is fine being at home and working a ‘normal’ job. I sometimes struggle envisioning us together in 5 years; we’ve been married for 10. Such a challenging subject, but I am finding a bigger need and desire to live my best life regardless if I am alone or with someone.

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Mira

I hear you Jenean.
I’ve also been married for 10 years and I’m at a point where I absolutely have to live my best life, regardless if I am alone or with someone. For the first time, I’m able to entertain this idea and feeling without a sense of panic. Instead, I’m energized by the vision of living the life that I was meant to live.
I think so many women are right there with us.

All the best to you,
Mira

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Linnette Dooley

Something that wasn’t talked about but is very real issue is that women stay because they don’t want to be alone. Women leave when they are not afraid to be alone. Being alone doesn’t mean you are going to be an old maid. (I was playing cards with my niece when she was young (~7 or 8), she drew the old maid card and immediately quit the game – there was just too much energy on that card for her!) A lot is learned in relationship and a lot is learned in time alone.

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Sherelle Johnson

I had this experience with an ex where one of the reasons I finally left was because I knew our directions were different and that if he didn’t change, I would be desperately happy and unfulfilled 20, 30, 40 years down the line. And I sure as hell couldn’t fix or change him! It was one of the best decisions of my life because my experience with him led me to work hard to figure out what makes relationships work, and now I am in a crazy supportive, rock-solid marriage and launching my website as a love design coach. I am happy to report from experience that it’s possible to rock your love and your biz, and where ever you are right now is not where you have to stay.

I’m also giving out FREE 30-minute Conflict Killing Sessions this month to the first 20 people who email me. So let me know if you’re interested!

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Diana Dorell | The CEO Psychic

Love this! I wanted to share a technique I use with myself and clients specifically to help them tune into their “gut” feelings and see what the Truth really is!

1. Close your eyes and say a lie to yourself. It can be super simple. Ex: I am a man. I am a man. I am a man.

2. Pay attention to where specifically in your body you feel it.
Does your tummy get tight? Throat? Make a note and write that down.

3. Now say your relationship scenario as a statement.
Ex: I want to be in a relationship with this man (use his first name).
If you get the SAME physical reaction as you did with the lie, on some level you know deep down that you’re staying in for the wrong reasons. And if your body feels EXPANSIVE, that’s a GREAT sign that things are aligned and you may just need to have a heart-to-heart about what you want.

Hope that helps everyone!
I’d love to offer a free 20 min consultation to help you trust your gut in love. This is my area of specialty!
Love,
Diana Dorell
http://www.dianadorell.com/package/
The CEO Psychic™

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Yarmila Bruyevicz

I don’t have any partner, I’m single…… so this topic is not really for me….

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Laura

I recommend returning to this post and its comments when that changes.

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Emma

So if your gut is telling you that you’re really not happy, how the hell do you tell your husband that?!

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Angela

Wow. The timing for me couldn’t be better for this. What if you’ve been with your spouse for 15+ years, have kids and YOU have evolved – wanting something different? (“growth” / “evolving” is something I indicated as a key value of mine a while back)

Over the past few years I’ve stumbled upon what I now know is my life purpose. Starting a business was never something I dreamed of but building it has sparked something in me I can’t let go of.

It’s brought quite a bit of friction into our relationship. (Actually, me becoming more empowered / stronger – thanks in big part to confidence business has given me – is what’s causing conflict.) I indicated “growth / evolvement” as a key value a while back and want so badly for my husband to support me in what I have such passion for.

I’m trying my best to make everyone happy – but am realizing that by “keeping it together” and trying to keep vibes as calm as possible may not be the best in long run.

Marie, this video was amazing (love the “no guilt gut check”). And I’m making my way through everyone’s comments – nice to know I’m not alone + so helpful to read others’ insights…

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Amy

1st and most important, Marie, Thank you from the bottom of my heart for showing up in my life. My father always said (and I would role my eyes) “when the student is ready to learn, the teacher will appear.” This couldn’t be more true with my current life and the wonderful women that have showed up for me. I only found you 2 weeks ago and I am hooked! Where were you hiding??? BTW, I am signing up for RHH this week and look so forward to it.

Angela, we share so much! 14 years, 2 kids, I have evolved and then some. He has atrophied in my shadow instead of cheering me on and joining me by my side. He has so much misplaced anger, guilt and shame…. The past 6 years have been bad with major emphasis on the last 2. Sunday, it was decided to do a 30 day trial separation, but my gut tells me it is not a trial.

The funny thing is that I did everything possible (other than a BJ) to try and convince him to work on our marriage. His negativity overruled and he wanted the separation.

I turned 40 this past May and my angel’s sent me a birthday message “Life is Change, Growth is Optional, Choose wisely”. I was stumped by this at first but now I understand.

I know in my core that I want and need to grow, evolve, give back, have purpose and true happiness. My husbands core does not desire those options. He says he wants the outcome, but doesn’t want to do the work to get there. I tried to make him happy, I tried to get him to see the light. Reality is, only WE can truly help ourselves. Now one can force us to drink. We can’t make people happy, only they can make themselves happy.

Getting back to Marie and everyone else. The real message here was not what the anonymous person should do regarding travel. That is just surface. Marie, you asked “Do you and your partner have different life goals and ambitions? If so, how do you stay true to yourself while honoring and supporting each other’s differences?” Answer: It ONLY works if both people honor and support the differences. Once resentment or any other negative emotion comes into the mix it’s done and the person that has the goals and ambitions to grow, flourish, learn, expand, etc. will ultimately either feel trapped or loose their light if they stay.

Sorry ladies, but I have lived it. It isn’t about if your ideals are different, it’s about do you support each other to have those differences!

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Robin

Great topic!!! I wanted to add a number 5 to the 4 key questions. Do you like the way he drives? I know this might seem very silly but I’ve been analyzing relationships FOR YEARS. I have concluded that how one drives is a tell tale of a persons authentic self. In addition to marriage, kids, and lifestyle, your going to be riding along side this person hopefully for years to come make sure you can stand their driving!!!!! These traits will surface in other area’s as well…mark my words.

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Renee

Marie…this is so much of what I needed. I love the “go with your gut” phrase.

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Brittney

Marie,
Your timing is perfect on this one. My bf and I have been together for 6 years and are now in a period in our lives where we are allowing space in our relationship for us to discover if we both truly want to be with one another. We have both been focusing so much on our businesses and personal growth over the past 2 years and now I think we just need the time apart to truly understand our deeper selves and wants out of life. Ultimately we both love and respect one another and are viewing this time in our lives as an opportunity to growth even further. In my gut and heart, I do still want to be in the relationship. However, being here, right now, in this moment, is allowing me the time to really grow and be fully aware of the magic of life. Thank you for all that you do.

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Lauren

It is like this episode was written for me. Last week, my boyfriend of three and a half years and I broke up because, as Marie said in the video, he wanted to marry me, move to the suburbs, and have me start popping out babies. I’m more of a studio apartment in the middle of a city, travel the world, sleep in late on the weekends kind of girl. This realization was even more devastating because we were in the process of moving across the country together. (Seriously, to say this is an inconvenience would be the understatement of the year.) And it did result in me, at age 27, having to move back in with my parents until I can find a job and apartment in New York City, where I’ve always wanted to find myself. It is a daily struggle to not pick up the phone, call him, and say, “We can make this work!” but deep down I know that living the life he wants for us is in total opposition to my authentic self. I’m terrified that I won’t be able to find a partner who doesn’t want kids and a big house, but living a life that fits me well (even if it means I will be single) is still the best, most honest option. It’s helpful to focus on the goal of long-term happiness instead of avoiding the short-term pain that comes with it.

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Cindy

Oh Marie, I feel compelled to comment given I’m a couples therapist :-) It takes a lot to compel me to take the time to comment, so you got me here.

I first just want to say you have great wisdom, tips, and questions for your listeners. Those are great for helping clarify your needs vs desires in a relationship and life.

All I’ll add to the many good comments posted is that one of the biggest challenges of long term relationships is growing and changing together. There are times of nurturing ourselves, and times of being patient to support the other. We definitely could find ourselves shopping for a new partner quite often in life if we felt we needed to change every time our dreams or life styles don’t match. We all change so continuously as we mature, experience new things, etc. We also could find someone perfect on paper, but really feel no spark or love.

It seems we often gravitate to differences because they shake up our world and stretch us out of our comfort zones, hopefully in a good way :-)

But ultimately, yes it’s important to determine if you’re unable to find happiness together with your differences so if not you each can be set free to find a more rewarding relationship. Like Marie said, no right answer, just find the best answer for you.

Warmly,
Cindy

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Olivia Chadwick

Marie,

Have you any idea how good that video is. I mean truly insightful. And the fact that it popped into my inbox after the relationship ‘aha’ weekend I just had also means that it has been spiritually guided to me.
Man have you got my attention.

Heart check in has been established.

Questions have been answered honestly.

And you know what. I feel, know and believe it what I have to do. But the best part is I don’t feel angry. I don’t feel like I have to blame someone. Now I know myself better I am going to do, a least a little bit better (thank you Maya Angelou).

I feel relief, hope and joy.

You gave that to me.

I want to say.

Thanks for continuing to do what you do! (Just one exclamation. That’s ok right?)

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W

The problem, Marie, is that you have sold this lady a bill of goods, and now she wants your life instead of her own. You’ve sown discontent — think of it as your own form of “creative destruction.” Definitely a risk in the guru-ess biz.

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Kelly

I do actually have an experience to share on this. I have struggled with something really similar. My husband is also just not interested in pursuing a career that he is interested in – he’s very much a clock-puncher, and would rather make a lot of money to pursue his interests outside of work. I’ve had the conversation with him about how I can’t live that way, and he is fully in support of that (it sounds like your boyfriend feels the same way). It was important to me to understand just how fully supportive he was – will he move so that I can follow a dream? Is he willing to take a hit in finances if I take a lower-paying job (this was key, as I knew that being financially able to pursue his own interests outside of work was critical to his own work and lifestyle choices)? He is willing, even if he doesn’t fully understand what is driving that need in me, is what I’ve found. Here’s the hard part…as a wife (or in your case, girlfriend), to actually pursue a dream that may not fit into his worldview 100% is really kind of hard, because deep down I am a people-pleaser. It requires a lot of faith in myself, in him, and in our relationship to remember that he is responsible for his own happiness and choices – and so am I. It is his choice to fully support and stay with a woman whose life choices he may not fully understand – that is where I need my faith in him and in his deep, sometimes tactless, honesty (which is part of why I love the guy). Sometimes I’m tempted to take the easy road and make the conventional choice that he will understand, but I have got to remember that I’m not actually doing him any favors by staying in a life that is not true to me; otherwise, I’m just going to make myself and everyone around me miserable. If at any point he decides that he can’t live with the things that I need in my life, then we will have to revisit it – that is where the faith in our relationship, and ultimately in myself, comes in.

On a more specific note, we each also enjoy doing very different things with our free time (this, to me, is a separate issue). Am I willing to do some things on my own, or with friends rather than with him? What I found is that I actually prefer that. I’m a pretty independent kind of woman. I enjoy my alone time, and the thought of committing to doing everything with a single person for the rest of my life makes me break out in hives. So for me, this is great, this works, even if other people try to make me feel like I’m crazy for wanting it.

Not that we don’t need connectedness and shared experiences for our relationship. We need the shabbat, we need time at night to jam, and we need to have some vacations that we take together. Every relationship requires compassion for yourself and for your partner, and I believe this kind of relationship is incredible for that – I am surprised, every time I doubt us, by the depth of compassion he has for me and I for him.

But this is my relationship, not yours, and I don’t know your boyfriend. I just wanted to share with you that I believe it can work. If you believe it can work for the two of you, then do not let anyone make you feel crazy. But it requires a lot of strength, compassion, and faith, and it won’t be easy, so make sure you are up for it before you sign up for the long-term.

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PhoenixRose360

Aaaahh thank you so much for this video. I recently ( well 4 months ago) with a man who was into fulfilling his goals. The minute, I started pursuing my own, and wanting more, I was selfish. Got ya, so it’s ok for me to sit and spend my life waiting for you to get your ducks in a row with no ring, or true commitment (he cheated), TIGGER PLEASE!! Deep in my gut, I knew he wasn’t right, so I got the hell out of dodge and onto living my life for me!!

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Lola

Wow- this has hit me hard. It’s like a big old can opener has unearthed all the truly great possibilities of being in a truly loving and aligned relationship- and I realise I’ve never had that. After a hideous divorce and a briefly happy relationship a year after, I’ve now been single for three years. I know it all comes down to self worth and I’ve been working on that a looking after my son these past years. Life is going well in every area except this one- the best I’ve been able to do is to not be in a relationship as the only alternative to being in a bad one.
Its just hit me like a ton of bricks of how much I long to love and be loved other than as a mother- though I am so blessed to be a mother- there are other dimensions that I’ve ignored. The thing is I have no confidence as a woman anymore, I need to find a way to create that…

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Jen Shultz

Wow! While I’m not in a relationship after watching this video I got quite clear on how scared I am that I won’t find a man who does not want kids. I’m pretty sure I don’t because I want to really focus on my business. I am looking for a man who wants to do the same, travel, work on projects together, and really shift the world. Are those men out there? Yowza!

PS: Great video cause’ this topic is eye opening!

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Jen

Oooh. Nail. On. The. Head.

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Ariana

The BEST book I have ever read about relationships… their levels… and many more “In quest of the mythical mate” – helped me understand the relationships process ..path ..game ..dynamic :) …call it whatever you want like

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AlexandraRS

The part of this clip that meant most to me was the “no guilt gut check”. I totally get stuck in the guilt cloud and am so worried about hurting people’s feelings. The “no pain” scenario really helped me see that I might be ready to move on from my current relationship. Now the problem is the next step… actually ACTING on this new insight. Thanks for this!

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Aradia G. of Aradia's Hand

Here’s a topic that’s been on my mind and I feel like Ms. Anonymous just jumped in my head and pulled some of the very mental conversations I’ve had about it with myself. Can I just say WOW!

I can definitely attest to having different life goals & ambitions. My other half works all the time (I barely see him) and part of it is because I’m a WAHM and I’m trying to build my biz. While I appreciate the support and the lack of pressure to perform “like a trained monkey” or feeling forced to go back into a field I utterly despise for the sake of the dollar, other things come up.

I have taken solace in connecting with those people who I feel on more even ground with, which includes many a chat session with a gf and connecting with other entrepreneurs in my industry. I also punctuate this with time out and away from the house so I don’t personally stagnate & get overly bitter.

I too think this is a great, juicy topic. But I recognize the sensitivity of the subject and how hard it is to deal with when you start to realize that “maybe this isn’t going where you want to go”. So Ms Anonymous I wish you the best and I trust you will find your solution if you follow your heart!

And a big thank you to Marie for addressing this in your succinct and fantabulous way!

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Mira

OMG Marie,
How is it possible that this video addresses exactly what’s going on in my life like right now???? Oh Lord, I’ve got some deep reflection to do.

Thanks so much,
Mira

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Audrey

I don’t know how to express my gratitude to magic and spell cast. I have been a single mum for two months when my husband left me for another woman. I couldn’t stay without him. I was devastated and so lonely. I tried to beg him to come back but he wouldn’t listen to me or even pick my calls, then i decided to take to bringing him back at all cost. I tried a couple of spell casters but no evidence that my husband was coming back till i came across this man online. I didn’t expect anything to happen but i kept my fingers crossed and just as magic is unbelievable my man came back to me some weeks ago begging me to take him. making promises of never leaving me and my son. Thanks Dr. Imogire of the Iseselelovetemple@gmail.com

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Brittany

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 3 years. That being said, we’ve been dating long-distance for 2 of those years, in an effort for us to pursue our own career goals.

In fact, our relationship started off long-distance. Not long into dating, we had to have a serious talk about life ambitions and career goals (to make sure all of the travel expenses were going to be worth it lol).

Turns out, we both are extremely career-driven, LOVE to travel, adore our families, and want to settle down and have a SMALL family… eventually (we’re talking quite a few years in the future). Most important of all, we value each others’ individual needs. We don’t mind being apart, as long as we have each other to come back to.

We are regularly separated by business trips, but now I started working for myself, we have just moved in together full-time.

In a way, it was a relief putting everything out on the table so early on. The time we spend apart now seems like a drop in the bucket compared to what we’ve gone through up until this point.

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Carly

This really hit home for me too!
I’m a college student right now, and my best guy friend and I are considering starting a relationship. There’s always been chemistry between us, and we dated on an off in high school, but now there is definitely an undeniable connection.
However, I’m a country music artist, hoping to move to Nashville after graduation to pursue my music dreams (which certainly involves a LOT of traveling), and he is set on staying in our small hometown making a career in the financial advising field.
He has always been the love of my life, and my other relationships have never worked out because he’s always in the back of my mind (same situation for him).

Any advice for this situation? We both want to test the waters and start a relationship again, but why bother if our dreams just don’t align?

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Tina

You guys rock!! Just sent a huge comment but it didn’t go through…

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Katie

I am 19 years old, my boyfriend 21. We have been dating for 3 years. I love him to absolute peices and would do anything for him. However i am worried that we dont share the same future plans. We are both so young but i want to travel and be crazy and he is focused on uni then full time work and then a house and then maybe when he is 40 travelling! i am absolutely lost. on the one hand i have no ‘real’ reason to leave him (although i kind of wish i did) on the otherhand i dont want to be 70 and look back on my life and resent him for things i didnt do. Leave him or stay i have no clue :(

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The Real Truth

Many men and women were certainly Very Blessed By God to have met the love of their life, and many of us are still wondering if God is really Punishing many of us that would had certainly wanted a Love Life as well.

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kelly

We are struggling with selling my condo and moving into my dads nicer more expensive house.My boyfriend and I decided this would be a good thing, so we have moved half our belongings, I have made financial arrangements with siblings,and have been living in the house for bout a month while I prepare the condo for sale.My boyfriend has now decided that he doesnt like the house and wants to move back.I am exhausted from all this moving and dealing with my dad s estate. He is harranging me on a daily basis , and it is affecting my job,etc. He decided to quit his job a year ago in the hopes of getting a better one, that hasnt happened yet, so I am the only one working. I am hearing alarm bells like crazy. What do I do, give in and move back or stay the course?Seems like either option we are doomed. I can t take the constant arguing.I cant think straight.

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Ronda jones

What action do you take when the answer to the last question tells you that you need to move on from your relationship. However there are 4 children and 16 years involved? Torn and smothered.

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MsConfused

I was reading your posts on “Are We Meant To Be?” trying to search for answers to how I am feeling in my relationship and couldn’t quite find the answer. I was in a physical, mentally, and financially abusive relationship for 4 years. When I finally was strong enough to get out of it, a guy i have like for longer dropped his life and moved from FL to Wi to be with me and my kids. I thought life was going to be so good.. so happy.. with a man that said he would treat me like a queen and take care of me mentally and emotionally. It has been almost 6 months and i am miserable. We are so differnt. I am a mother of 2 girls.. i want a family, do family stuff, be able to count on my man to help out when needed and put me before his friends. This is not the case. He acts like he wants to be single with me at home for support. I am ignored all the time for his friends and family (he texts all day every day to them) the only time he loves me is when he wants sex. I try to bring up things to him that bother me and he dont wanna hear it. I am pushed aside to the point where i just sit and cry all the time… He has all these people on facebook and finally for my birthday he put me on there and said that was my bday gift… if I tag him in something he wont post it to his timeline but he will post a girl twirking on a fat guy cause that is hot. He wants to run wild and not tell me where he is gong or when he will be back.. says it is none of my business. If i ask him who he has been texting all day he says it is none of my business. He admits to love watching movies with people having sex cause it entertaining to him. It made me uncomfortable. I am a 33 year old mom of 2 girls 12 and 10. I need a family man not one who craves watching sex in movies and college girls all day. He keeps telling me he dont wanna argue, he loves me, and he just wants a future together. I dont’ want a future with someone like this. He has lived with me for 6 months, I pay all the bills and pay for everything else cause he is having a hard time finding a job in his degree field. I have been more than supportive, helped him pay some of his bills, trips back to FL to see his family, all me. In return I am just the GF thrown to the side. I dont’ know what to do. I try to talk out how I am feeling and he walks away. It is affecting my work, my school, my kids, and me. Please guide me.. I am sad… depressed.. and miserable.

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Zach

Oh my God, this sounds horrible! You aren’t happy in the least, you aren’t supported emotionally, and he’s essentially having an emotional affair with anyone who happens to be naked. You clearly don’t need how for financial support and he only seems to be a drain on you – and more importantly – your kids. I’d say give him an immediate wake up call, but I feel that he would never change his ways long-term. Get how out of there now!

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Zach

Him* not ‘how’

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